Amy T. Schalet is an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, and the author of “Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens and the Culture of Sex.” She has an interesting oped in today’s New York Time’s today that begins:
“WHY are boys behaving more “like girls” in terms of when they lose their virginity? In contrast to longstanding cultural tropes, there is reason to believe that teenage boys are becoming more careful and more romantic about their first sexual experiences.”
Historically boys have reported loosing their virginity far earlier than girls. Self reporting has always been suspect because boys are pressured to prove that they are “studs” and girls to deny that they are “sluts,” a double whammy for both genders that does plenty to distort an already very confusing teenage sexual landscape. I admit that there were times as a young man that I did not tell the truth with regard to my sex life. And I’m sure I am not alone.
If you pay attention to popular media on the topic of teenage sexuality, you could easily come to the conclusion that this issue has gotten worse not better. The “hook-up” culture castes men in the role of sexual beast with no capacity or desire for emotional intimacy and young women as the powerless victims who must get their sexual needs met in one-off encounters with no strings attached despite their deep seated desire for romance of a more enduring variety. That, at least, is the popular story told about kids these days.
According to Professor Schalet nothing could be further from the truth when you actually look at the data.
“The proportion of all American adolescents in their mid-teens claiming sexual experience has decreased, and for boys the decline has been especially steep, according to the National Survey of Family Growth by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Today, though more than half of unmarried 18- and 19-year-olds have had sexual intercourse, fewer than 30 percent of 15- to 17-year-old boys and girls have, down from 50 percent of boys and 37 percent of girls in 1988. And there are virtually no gender differences in the timing of sexual initiation.”
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Sexual education certainly has a role. Boys are a lot more aware than they used to be about the perils of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease. But there is something deeper going on here. Something that cuts to the very core of the male psyche and the misconception that we are, from our very birth, nothing more than phallic symbols with no brian…and no heart.
In a large-scale survey and interviews, reported in the American Sociological Review in 2006, the sociologist Peggy Giordano and her colleagues found teenage boys to be just as emotionally invested in their romantic relationships as girls.
The American boys I interviewed, having grown up in a culture that often assumes males are only out to get sex, were no less likely than Dutch boys to value relationships and love. In fact, they often used strong, almost hyper-romantic language to talk about love. The boy whose condom broke told me the most important thing to him was being in love with his girlfriend and “giving her everything I can.”
Such romanticism has largely flown under the radar of American popular culture. Yet, the most recent research by the family growth survey, conducted between 2006 and 2010, indicates that relationships matter to boys more often than we think. Four of 10 males between 15 and 19 who had not had sex said the main reason was that they hadn’t met the right person or that they were in a relationship but waiting for the right time; an additional 3 of 10 cited religion and morality.
I have a teenage daughter. Without naming names or embarrassing her, she has had a devoted boyfriend for the last two years. I have seen the texts. The kid puts my attempts at romance to shame when I was his age.
But my instincts even as a young man were very much the same as his. Sure I was intoxicated by the female form. That is hardwired into the reproductive instinct in us as animals. But we are not animals. Even us males. We are human beings with souls that cry out to be nourished by poetry and lingering dinner dates and the look in the eye of our beloved. The idea that sex for sex sake is the goal–especially to prove your “studliness”–is a losing argument hammered into us as men with no grounding in actual experience.
It seems like our boys may just be setting themselves free of the need to prove anything, to lie about their sex lives, or try to give up their virginity as part of some sick scorecard. Maybe, just maybe, our boys are a lot more sensitive than we are giving them credit.
But We as humans are animals, Culture, society, custom etc… all have to ride upon that basic foundation. Can we rise above instinct to be more empathetic, loving and caring, can we suppress the red tooth and claw aspects of our basic nature……surely we can, but that also shows why as a group we can never push others into that corner/cage where basic humanity is stripped from them……because to many times doing so frees a Darwinian breast that we all have lurking near our core…. in them and in ourselves.
Sure I was intoxicated by the female form. That is hardwired into the reproductive instinct in us as animals. Responding to something very specific in Tom’s original post, I am troubled by the way in which romantic/sexual desires are naturalized as part of reproductive “hardwiring.” Where does that leave young men whose sexual desires aren’t necessarily born of a reproductive instinct? Why do we need to naturalize desire for others’ bodies as having a reproductive impetus at all … can’t it be honored as physical desire per se? Our physical response to other human beings is a complex mix of… Read more »
So true.
Where did “friends with benefits” come from? It’s a recent movement where people can have sex without strings. No such thing as sex without strings. If anyone did the research, they would find that there are emotional strings attached to having sex, especially sex at a younger age. I looked through the responses and what I’m seeing is that there appears to be more interest in justifying sex then there is acknowledging that men/boys want love over sex. Guys struggle with talking about such things because they are insecure about their virginity. Guys are supposed to be sexually active, the… Read more »
“The “hook-up” culture castes men in the role of sexual beast with no capacity or desire for emotional intimacy and young women as the powerless victims who must get their sexual needs met in one-off encounters with no strings attached despite their deep seated desire for romance of a more enduring variety.” What is that supposed to mean?? Hook up refers to indulging in casual sexual activity. Both partners in such activity are there for one thing, i.e sex. Why there is different perceptions for men and women when both of them have consented to the act?? It is plain… Read more »
I think Tom is saying that’s the message we might get from popular ideas about ” hook up culture” — he’s not saying that’s what’s really going on.
I think it’s wrong to say that it never goes on. There’s a whole host of sexual encounters, and to say that everybody does one thing or another is patently untrue. There are plenty of people who hook up, and there are plenty of people who are in committed relationships.
And there are plenty of people who do neither, but we as a society have decided not to give a s**t about them.
I think men often don’t understand how women are often socialized. For instance, when I was a girl, I was viciously nitpicked by my family about what clothing I wore. A simple sleeveless top would get me slapped in the face by my mother who called me a “slut”. I was a 12 year old girl who had never kissed or had sex, but I was treated as if I were a street whore for wearing very tame clothing. If you did make out with a boy they would tell their friends who would then harass for sex. If I… Read more »
I have a number of teenage and young 20ish female relatives. What I hear is that the “hook-up” culture more or less gets forced on them. That all guys want to do is have sex with no strings attached. And as a young women you can choose to participate in that or go hungry in the romantic department. That consistent on the ground report frankly depresses the hell out of me. I keep thinking there must be more to it than guys looking to get their rocks off and move on. Young men must have some emotional needs that aren’t… Read more »
With all due respect Tom, I have a ton more experience in this area (being that age myself). I’d say this whole hook-up culture thing does exist, buy by and large, guys are much more interested in love. For most guys, the hook-up culture is the secondary thing, because by and large, that is all they can get. For sure, they’d prefer a long term relationship, but at that age, many girls are either unwilling, or they simply haven’t found a girl. I also think that most girls at that age assume that guys aren’t willing to be emotionally invested,… Read more »
Thanks for sharing your experience Kaleb. I don’t know the answer here and my information is spotty as best. The author of the Oped, Amy, is basing her argument on pretty large samples of data. But it sounds like her conclusion is pretty close to what you are saying here even though I understand your concerns in terms of some of what she is saying. In the end I do believe/hope that men want to find love.
Kaleb, you have a fair point, but I think you’re misreading Amy Schalet’s larger point. There’s more interviews with her at http://www.amyschalet.com/media/ if you want to see where she’s coming from better.
I’m having a lot of trouble putting myself out on the line like this but that utter crap that you wrote about being not emotionally invested really pissed me off, so let me give you my story. I am a twenty year old male. I have never “hooked up” with anyone in my life. I have had one girlfriend in my entire life, and that was fairly recently. I have only done one sexual act in my entire life, and that was me giving oral sex to her, because I wanted to make her happy. She told me she couldn’t… Read more »
I’ll go out on a limb here and say that I feel pretty certain Tom believes young men (all men) love to love.
correct
That’s what I thought too, but his post was a bit scathing. Honestly, I get where his nieces are coming from. Sometimes I feel like all GIRLS are in it for the sex or the prestige or something else but they sure as hell aren’t in it for the emotional attachment, because when that’s what I offer them, they turn it down as if by instinct. But I know that just because some girls aren’t interested in being emotionally attached to me, doesn’t mean that teenage girls aren’t interested in everyone. I think Tom has to realize that for teenagers,… Read more »
Kaleb, I’m the same age as you. And frankly, a lot of women in our age group tend to think along the lines of “guys just want sex”. A few years ago I held a very poor view of men, I assumed that they weren’t even capable of love or emotions or attachment. Evolutionary biology solidified this view, since it kept saying “Men are hardwired to ‘spread their genes’ and therefore value love and commitment less”. Once I started getting into relationships I was continually shocked and astounded that the guys I was dating had feelings. It took some time… Read more »
Evolutionary biology also favours women who take the healthy strong males sperm to make the kid, and then to find some “nice guy” to raise it so it doesn’t really give a good impression of women. Both genders have reason to cheat, withhold love, etc.
Reasons I know of why guys don’t want a relationship. Well to be honest quite a few men recently have told me some troubling behaviour with the women they date, emotionally manipulative, “she’s always right” and attempts to control his behaviour. Relationships can be seen as scary for those who have been burned before, have trust issues, etc. Clingyness can also be a problem, some of the people I have known have had quite restricted free time where they can barely do a hobby and get hit with the “We don’t spend enough time together” line. In my own experience… Read more »
Love is the most used, abused and rarely understood term. In the present times when promiscuity is quite widespread, love is a loser’s consolation prize. It is a strategy of using emotions to lock down one partner for oneself. Players who can move from one partner to another with relative ease do not care about things like love. Most of the research done by sociologist is really crap. They do not move from observation to conclusion, but rather project their conclusions on the observations.
I wonder why we have to go through so many hoops to get to a basic truth. Human beings like love. Human beings like sex. Men like both and women like both. Each individual person might have one they like more than the other, but that’s because individuals are individuals. All humans have feelings, and complex one. To sell boys short about love and relationships is to do them a huge disservice. To sell girls short about sex is a huge disservice. We shouldn’t be selling our kids short by teaching them sex is something dirty you save for the… Read more »
I’m sorry, but do you not see how this article espouses virginity for the sake of virginity? It shames the hell out of any teenage boy who wants sex! That’s the entire premise.
Which I disagree with. Do you agree with my actual points or not? I’m all for healthy open sexuality for teens when they feel themselves mature enough to deal with it. I also believe that if teens feel like waiting, that’s their choice. I don’t really understand why you are yelling at me about it. I’m on the men are sexual loving humans side of things, mate.
I’m responding to the article. I fully agree with your definition of sex-positivism, I just thought that the article was promoting something else.
This is my take on this issue: In her article , “Why are Boys Behaving More Like Girls in Losing Their Virginity?” Ms. Shalet sells both boys and girls short in her callous nature of describing the sexual interactions of boys. She refuses to look at boys for their own sexuality, and instead describes them the partners of girls. Rather than explore whether or not it is healthy or right that boys are living in fear, she notes that American boys are afraid for women. She seems to imply girls must be protected by boys, and completely ignores whether or… Read more »
So are you saying that it’s a problem that more teenage girls don’t want sex? I think as a society we should be glad that teenagers are waiting to have sex, it means fewer unwanted pregnancies, if nothing else. We definitely shouldn’t encourage girls to sleep around more for the sake of boys. I’m not sure that’s what you are implying, but that’s what it sounds like.
I’m implying two things. One is that we shouldn’t think about boys only for the sake of girls. You keep on fixating on girls. Can we talk about boys just as boys? Feminism encourages us to think about women as independent from men; why can’t we do the same for men? I’m encouraging you to think about the boys, rather than the girls. This article purports to talk about boys, but only for the sake of girls. Two, I think that as a liberal society, we have decided that sex is normal and healthy. Mainstream feminism has accepted sex-positivism, and… Read more »
How do you get that from what I said? I don’t think boys are “bad” or “callous” for wanting sex. We are all human; we all have sexual needs. There is nothing wrong with boys wanting sex. I’m just a little confused I guess by the idea that it’s “bad” somehow that teen girls are depriving teenage boys of the opportunity to explore their sexuality? Or maybe I misunderstand you? Shouldn’t we be happy that more teens are (apparently) being responsible?
I think we misunderstand each other. While yes, I am happy that more teens are being responsible I do not think that not having sex at all and responsibility are the same thing. Responsibility is safe sex, which is obviously a good thing. Not having sex is something different entirely. I’m not saying anything about teenage girls depriving boys. Again, you refuse to separate boys from girls. I’m sure you have read enough feminist literature to know that women’s self-empowerment with a purposeful absence of men is the buzzword of the day. Why can’t we do the same thing for… Read more »
I get what you are saying, the original article did focus on boys’ relationships with girls and maybe there are other perspectives needed. OTOH how can you talk about boys exploring their sexuality (by having sex wirh girls) and not talk about the girls too? I don’t think that’s denigrating to boys, obviously partnered sex requires that one have a partner and be a partner. Of course, it is possible for boys to explore sexuality without an actual girl – there’s porn and masturbation. But if you are talking about (heterosexual) boys having sex then the girls are 50% of… Read more »
I’m talking about the fact that the benefits of women’s sexuality are talked about exclusively, and again, the sexuality of men is ignored. When it IS talked about, it is only in the context of women. That article didn’t say anything about the boys. It talked about how the boys are getting better for the girls. It didn’t say anything about what was better for the boys. Shouldn’t they be considered to? Girls are considered, boys are not.
Point taken. What do you think is better for the boys, in that case?
Well there are several things to consider. If we’re talking absolutes, i.e. about sex vs. not sexually active at all, I obviously think the former is better for those who are willing. I think sex is normal and healthy, and for guys to feel ashamed because they have sexual desires is despicable. If you’re talking about hook-up culture vs. emotional investment, I for one prefer the latter. Nothing can compare to just being close to someone for the sake of being close to them. Most guys I know would give anything, and I mean anything, for someone to love. I… Read more »
“She jumps to the conclusion that most boys choose to remain virgins. When a teenage boy tells you he “hasn’t met the right person,” he often means he hasn’t met a willing person.” This is it. The truth is that hypergamy is a force even in high school. The boys getting most of the sexual attention in high school are the athletes, jocks etc—-these guys are not waiting to have sex or only having sex with one girl. I know because it wasn’t too long ago that I was in high school myself. The guys who’ve decided to “wait for… Read more »
Tom, again a great article and says what I’ve been saying for years. Looking forward to the responses.
Amen.
Good for those guys. Almost makes me wish I were a teenager today. But then I’d have to put up with Twilight, Glee, and today’s pop music. I think I’ll keep the teenage years that I currently have in my past…