Advice blogger Eli Kaplan bemoans Esquire’s “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think”, which tells women how bad they are in bed.
Recently, I read a bizarre article in Esquire by Chris Jones called, Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think. The Chris Jones I’m familiar with is the quirky young man who starred on this season of Top Chef (Texas), and is the Chef de Cuisine at Moto Restaurant (Chicago). MY Chris Jones is known for his risky and original/strange food, as well as equally original/strange personality and style choices – top ponytail, sandals with socks, and two sets of glasses on the head at the same time. That Chris Jones is a talented chef, and he seems like a funny guy and good dude.
But, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why he would be writing sex/relationship articles for Esquire. Still, the strange taste that was left in my mouth, after reading “Ladies: You’re Not as Good as You Think”, made me believe the author really could be MY Chris Jones.
Well, as it turns out, I was wrong. Chef Chris Jones and Esquire’s Chris Jones are two totally different beasts (I guess it is a pretty common name). Chef Chris Jones is a wacky chef. Esquire’s Chris Jones is just wacky—at least in this particular case. Chris Jones’s (Esquire) article is mainly about how women think they’re much better in the sack then they are, and how if you want better sex, you (as a woman) have to look at yourself, take ownership of your insecurities, and loosen up.
While Chris Jones (Esquire) makes some good points—promoting communication with your partner(s), taking responsibility for your own choices and actions, become the master of your sexual domain—his article (advice column?) still misses the mark… badly. Not only does it read as mostly a blame piece, and a condescending warning to women to get their acts together, or no one’s ever gonna enjoy having sex with you… it is also socially irresponsible.
Women and men are not equal beings when it comes to sexual liberation. In a perfect world they would be equals, of course. Unfortunately, we live in a society that applauds men for their sexual conquests, and shames women for the same type of behavior. Wilt Chamberlain was hailed equally (in most circles) for his scoring prowess ON the basketball court (31,419 career points, and 100 in one game), as he was for his scoring prowess OFF the court (allegedly sleeping with over 2,000 women in his lifetime). On the other hand, Jenna Jameson is just a lowly, trashy pornstar for fucking her way to the top (the top of what, I’m not certain). Monica Lewinsky (and her reputation) left the Bill Clinton sex scandal, much worse for the wear compared to what our president—the leader of our country at the time—suffered. Men (in many parts of the world) are (societally) allowed to be polygamists. Women… not so much. The examples can continue (the list is long), but that’s not the point.
Chris Jones’s article urges women (for their own good) to loosen up. It’s not a bad idea. Unfortunately, society constantly warns women of the severe repercussions of being too loose. To complain about women being too guarded in the bedroom, without addressing this societal pressure and gender expectation inequalities (at least, in passing) is very short-sighted.
Perhaps Chris Jones was watching “Fight Club” recently, and he had a bitter moment where he realized he wanted to be the sex-god, warrior, and dream boat -Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt), but in fact he’s really more like the insecure/average Ed Norton’s character. Apparently, Esquire readers had to bear the brunt of Mr. Jones’s jonesing,by being subjected to “Ladies: You’re Not as Good as You Think”. I’m not even sure I want to know what that title implies (even though it’s extremely straightforward). Would Chris Jones feel better if all sexually underachieving (or overconfident) women were forced to wear a scarlet “U” or “O”, so all of society would have knowledge of their intimacy issues?
Such blame is counterproductive and unnecessary. When I want those around me to improve as friends, lovers, bandmates, blog partners, etc… I first look at myself to see how I can inspire and lead by example. As a sex/dating/relationship advice writer, the “He Said” of She Said He Said, I (along with my writing partner Josie Schroeder) have to make it my job, business, and passion to care enough about the parties involved to genuinely investigate all sides of the story/issue.
I’m also often struck by how different, eye-opening, and equally legitimate Josie’s “She Said” perspectives are from my side of things. That doesn’t mean that sexual intimacy is no place for joking, it just means that (in this case) Chris Jones’s jokes aren’t funny. Telling someone they suck, especially at something as intimate as sex, and insisting a woman loosen up (or else), without recognizing the internal dialogue a woman must constantly wrestle with (between her desires and societies desires for her) is in poor taste.
Chris Jones (Esquire): I love a risk taker, but I just can’t get on board with what you’ve cooked up. Check please!
For more sex and dating advice from Eli Kaplan, visit his blog.
Photo courtesy of kyz
And here is a comparison using a current blog post by Ali Yashar where he asks men not to burden women with their weak emotional performances. “Man” up under the emotional sheets! http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2012/03/05/treating-men-like-four-year-olds/ Head nodding in the commentary as well as the obligatory mentions of societal constraints. One distinction between the two is the using of ridicule and sarcasm on something of high value – women’s sexuality – akin to tearing up an image of the Pope on national TV – and the critiquing of something of low value – men’s emotional sexiness. The interesting thing to me is why… Read more »
As someone who has had only one sexual partner, I have to ask what is for me an obvious question. How is it that women are good (or bad) in bed. The only reference I hear from guys is that a woman who is more open to experiment is good versus less open is bad. Any other points that women can make?
Based on the title of the original article, I think there’s a misconception out there that women don’t have performance anxiety–that it’s only something that men have to worry about. When it comes to initial encounters, there can be a lot of that anxiety. The prep work (waxing, waterproof makeup, deep cleaning, letting go of body image issues) . Then there’s wondering whether you’re being too loud/too quiet and giving just the right amount of feedback. Knowing and being comfortable with the positions and angles that make your man happy. Making sure you don’t suck at blow jobs (pun intented).… Read more »
Aya, there is no widespread attitude that women’s bodies are incapable of giving men sufficient sexual pleasure _just as they are_. Or, at least, there is a significant difference in emphasis on sexual agency. No one thinks that a woman will get any pleasure from a man lying there and supplying only an erection. He has to take action because his body is not sufficient to secure her sexual pleasure.* Whereas it’s a nigh-universal ‘truth’ that a man still gets sufficient (if not superior) sexual pleasure from a woman just lying there, taking no actions. Access to her body should… Read more »
I’m totally with you, Eli, except for this bit here: “Women and men are not equal beings when it comes to sexual liberation. In a perfect world they would be equals, of course.” Actually, I’m in complete agreement with that statement too…it’s the underlying implication that women are fighting to be equal to men with regards to sexual liberation (and not the other way around) that I disagree with. Sort of. Like with pretty much everything with regards to gender equality, I think there are ways in which men are privileged (as you say about being able to have many… Read more »
The author follows a regular path: if I am less than good in bed, and only a cad would point this out even if true – by the way, then those bad bits are a consequence of my oppression.
Chris concludes with” “The bottom line is that if your sex life is bad, you bear at least some of the blame — maybe even an entire half of it.”
Seems fair minded..
I totally agree with your last sentiment.
But the tone of the article was incredibly smug. He could’ve written something that was empowering, that did offer agency to women (which is what I would’ve done) and that would’ve been more in line with that last line you quoted. But read the rest of it. That’s not even remotely what he did.
Pointing out women’s agency is pointing out women’s agency. Tone is irrelevant to the positive affect. In fact it may improve the positive effect by challenging women to do better.
What is vastly more sinister misogyny is removing women’s agency in the guise of flattery.
‘Women can do no wrong!’
Well, that means they can’t do anything right either.
“He could’ve written something that was empowering, that did offer agency to women” “Offer” agency? Agency is something a woman must be given? In this day and age? I may be misreading your statement, but I’ve come across female writers of m/m slash and erotica who insist that they choose to write m/m because it’s the only way they can explore sexual agency–through male characters. As if it is impossible for them to explore sexual agency through female characters, which is just the hugest cop-out. Agency in something as private as the bedroom isn’t something you’re granted by society or… Read more »
Personally, most of my issue with the article isn’t in what he’s saying but rather how he’s saying it. It’s all well and good to tell women to take control of their sex lives, but the article does it with a bit too much snark and a blindness to the problematic ways society discusses and conceives of sex.
It’d be a bit like me writing a sarcastic article about men receiving anal intercourse and completely ignoring how our society stigmatizes it.
The ‘tone argument’ is a method of retreating into victim-consciousness, IMHO.
Take what is useful, discard the rest. That’s having agency.
“It’d be a bit like me writing a sarcastic article about men receiving anal intercourse and completely ignoring how our society stigmatizes it.”
Sometimes snark is warranted. When it’s directed at stupid dynamics that people buy into. Plus it has the added benefit of drawing attention to stupid dynamics in a way that a measured tone does not.
“The ‘tone argument’ is a method of retreating into victim-consciousness, IMHO. Take what is useful, discard the rest. That’s having agency.” Um no…nowhere in any of this am I suggesting that women with bad sex lives are somehow victims. It’s not about victimizing someone, it’s about empathizing and sympathizing with them. I think, you tend to see people as being much more able to break away from their cultures than I do. And MichelleG, on the other hand, tends to view people as being perpetually stuck in their cultures (not to put words in her mouth, but that’s what I’ve… Read more »
Wow, so this guy has committed the unpardonable sin of saying that there are women who suck in bed. By comparison men are told constantly that one of their most prominent features as male-beings is that they, as a collective, as in every single male on this planet, are insufficient just as they are to provide women sexual pleasure. So we have one writer with the audacity to point out it’s possible for the female gender to suck in bed compared to an unending litany about how the male gender _as a whole_ sucks in bed. BTW, the fact that… Read more »
I’ve decided to unpack this. The idea that women can suck in bed is objectionable to the esteemed OP. Obviously in the OP’s world no woman is capable of sucking in bed. This is obviously because the female body, itself, is the most finely tuned instrument of sexual pleasure ever invented and no woman anywhere need be judged by her actual actions. So a woman’s body makes a woman a good lover and her actions are irrelevant. So a woman is simply an inert sexual object, not an active sexual being. Is this not objectification? “Women and men are not… Read more »
Typhon, you’re taking an extraordinary number of liberties with Eli’s original post. Wow. So many, in fact that I really have no interest in point them all out. But I will say this: Nowhere did he say that women can’t be bad in bed. He’s saying to the writer, “contextualize, dude”. And guess what? If we were to critique the sex habits of men, we’d do our best to contextualize. We would never say, “guys, here’s how you suck” EVER. If you can find me a single place we’ve said this on GMP I will apologize, but as far as… Read more »
“He’s saying to the writer, “contextualize, dude”.” The linked article does not, not once, say that he’s referring to all women. He even goes so far, in the first paragraph, to describe how he’s terrible in bed too. However I have read countless articles that referred to _all men_ being bad in bed. In fact there is a highly prevalent attitude that women as a group are sexually underserved by men as a group. Here you go for a universally negative appraisal of one aspect of men’s sexual performance published right here: https://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/the-lost-art-of-kissing/ It’s less direct, more meandering, but it’s… Read more »
So rather than diminish someone else’s point by saying “but the guys have it bad, too!” why don’t you do something about it and write a piece about how many articles shame men, sexually.
Contextualizing does not mean the same thing as pandering or excusing. It merely means, “listen, here’s what has traditionally happened in our society”… I would do the exact same thing if I were talking about men.
“So rather than diminish someone else’s point by saying “but the guys have it bad, too!” why don’t you do something about it and write a piece about how many articles shame men, sexually.” Maybe I will. Currently I’m working on a piece regarding male suicide in light of the recent spat of suicidal ideation in the mens’ rights movement as a result of the SPLC’s publication(and one confirmed completed suicide). Plus a bunch of other stuff that is likely boring. Until such time as I have time, I’ll stick to correcting misinformation in the comments. If Eli is going… Read more »
Holy heavens is this an extrapolation.
I’m out!
Okay, alright.
Apparently I misread this:
“Women and men are not equal beings when it comes to sexual liberation. In a perfect world they would be equals, of course. Unfortunately, we live in a society that applauds men for their sexual conquests, and shames women for the same type of behaviour.”
As meaning that women are more impacted by our society of sexual shaming then men. As meaning ‘women are the biggest victims, yo.’
“Not only does it read as mostly a blame piece, and a condescending warning to women to get their acts together, or no one’s ever gonna enjoy having sex with you… it is also socially irresponsible.”
So, in essence, a gender flipped version of every article on ‘sex tips for men’ that has appeared on Good Men Project?
How droll.
Moderator’s note: this comment has had a portion deleted because it violated our commenting policy.
Anyway, I really dont think that article was that bad. Especially considering the deluge of articles on the oh so fresh topic of “why men suck” in periodicals far more mainstream than Maxim. Does the guy sound a tad bitter? Maybe. So what? As I mentioned before, women feel more than free to blast their dissatisfactions with the male sex across the internet far and wide, I don’t see why men can’t occasionally return the favor.
Everybody needs a little ego puncture now and again.
and by Maxim, I mean Esquire… although they might as well be interchangeable sometimes
I agree with you there, 8ball.
“To complain about women being too guarded in the bedroom, without addressing this societal pressure and gender expectation inequalities (at least, in passing) is very short-sighted.” I am waiting for the first feminist in history to say: “To complain about men being too reserved as fathers, without addressing this societal pressure and gender expectation inequalities (at least, in passing) is very short sighted.” Women are not delicate pots of china that need to be protected. Most women are as selfish and utilitarian in bed as they are in the rest of their lives. Treating intimacy as a sales transaction (be… Read more »
What!? Anthony. First: Are you saying that women are selfish in both bed and in real life? Sometimes I’m amazed at how you don’t want anyone talking bad about men as a whole but you don’t mind absolutely shitting on women. You want gender equality? Then treat men and women equally.
Second, would you be cool with an article like this, but about men? Would you be cool if a woman wrote, “Guys, You’re Not As Great As You Think”?
Just curious.
Actually, I regretted my post the minute I pushed “send”. Not because I feel sorry for women, but because of a recent exchange with another moderator, who is afraid to talk to MRAs because we are so angry. What makes me angry (and many other MRAs) is the attitude that women deserve special protection, and men do not. I think any article that approaches this topic in a positive way is a good thing, and this article was not 100% positive, so it was flawed. However, this article is very much like 100s of articles in the news criticizing men… Read more »
>Not because I feel sorry for women, but because of a recent exchange with another moderator, who is afraid to talk to MRAs because we are so angry. Poke. Poke. Shove. Slap. Punch. Stop doing that! Waaaaaah, why are you soooooo angry? Seriously, if the OP considers the linked article to be horrible misogyny, how are people who are sensitive to misandry supposed to feel about the never ending torrent of articles about how men _as a group and to a man_ fail to serve women sexually and fulfill women’s sexual expectations? I’m perfectly fine, as a woman, being told… Read more »
Are you referring to me? Not afraid. Didn’t I use an emoticon????? ;(
I have not been clear. I am not saying that you are fragile. I am saying that the bridge building process is fragile. I have everything to gain from bridge building. I don’t want to sabotage my own mission. It is not a gender thing. TGMP has been encouragingly critical of mainstream “masculinity denigration.” I appreciate this effort by TGMP staff (including moderators). Therefore, I regret “throwing stink bombs” in this venue. Not because you are a woman, but because you are part of a team that is looking for solutions, and I don’t want to make your job more… Read more »
Understood.
After reading the article – it is clear that this author and I did not read the same article. The criticisms leveled at the post mentioned are more correctly aimed at this post/rant. Chris Jones (CJ) is merely saying that there is room for improvement on both sides of the bed as it were. Men are constantly told they are not as great as they think they are – most often by the same women screaming even a hint of criticism. Even the title of this piece conveys the message that men are not as smart as they think; nor… Read more »