Jamie Reidy institutes new dating charges for women with relationship baggage.
Watching this CNN story on Spirit Airlines hiking overhead baggage fees to $100, I thought, Then somebody better be hiking her skirt for me!
That got me to thinking about women, which got me to thinking about being single at 42, which got me to thinking about why I’m single at 42, which got me to thinking about women and all their emotional baggage from prior relationships. (Note: if you are looking for an essay on self-blame, you are at the wrong kiosk.)
Henceforth, before I pay the bill on first dates – because I pay the bill on first dates – I will assess charges for relationship baggage:
Still have a tan line from your engagement and/or wedding ring? That’ll be $4.50 for your share of the spinach dip. I mean, c’mon, the ratio of tanning salons to people in L.A. is, like, 1:4. Or, in a pinch, just grab “light brown” from your kid’s Crayola Marker set and do some filling in.
Longingly mention eating at this restaurant with your ex? You owe me $13.50 for that salad. (Note: You’re lucky I’m not charging you extra for failing to laugh at my “I dunno why they call them ‘mixed greens’ when they clearly have red leaves in there!” joke.)
Still talking about your ex in a non “Listen to this idiotic thing he did…” or “You’re not gonna believe how small his penis was…” way? That’ll be $44 for the Surf-n-Turf. (Note: Listen, I’m anti-waif. I definitely want a woman who actually eats. That said, you might wanna leave the feedbag at home on your next first date. Or scarf a couple of Snickers beforehand.)
Talking about breakup specifics? That’ll be $12.00 for the creme brûlée. Not that I don’t wanna know how/why things haven’t worked out for you previously. I do. Just not before I find out if you’re a good kisser or not.
So, thank you for dating with us this evening! That’ll be $84. We do not accept credit cards. We also do not accept payment in goodnight hugs.
Important note: I will not charge a woman for having never been married or engaged, which some women see as baggage in single guys, a “red flag” that shows I can’t commit. Sooooper logic, Ms. Spock. So, having been committed and then failing is a better sign? “Yeah, hey, by all means, let’s totally get together and do something you have already proven you are not good at!” Ahem. Sorry. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest! Bitter…party of one?
Photo by: bsperan
About Jamie Reidy
Next time, I’ll listen to my instincts, which told me this piece would be a waste of three minutes as soon as I read this line: ‘I thought, Then somebody better be hiking her skirt for me!’
Now I mean this as no offence to Jamie…but it does take a bit of time to get used to his sense of humour. Or at least, it did for me…particularly when written. That’s the problem with all written humour, really…it is indistinguishable from the truly absurd opinions it is making fun of.
Ah, c’mon, Shannon. It’s clearly not meant to be taken seriously.
Yeah, because we men NEVER have baggage.
I met s guy recently who told me all about his recent ex. Run?
Why have her pay for her own food? I thought women were equal? Isn’t this 2012?
Yes, Natty, R-U-N!
Liam, that made me laugh.
Thanks for the support, Heather!
That was hilarious! Except for the joke about the greens. Nice try, though.
The best advice anybody ever gave me after my divorce from a woman I had called my wife for 15 years, was not to date ANYBODY for a year. It takes time to allow the emotions to settle. I did it, and then after I became a “serial dater” in year three, I did it again…I am pleased with these decisions. It is tempting to reach out in desperation immediately after the end of a failed relationship…it’s just not healthy. We often want to reach back for a “life preserver.” It takes hard work, and TIME to redefine your life, without him/her…and you WILL be a different person than you were with your ex. Life starts over, and after six years of divorced life, I can tell you, it may start over more than once, and you have to decide, “Who am I going to be?” If I’m reading Jamie right, I agree…we all accumulate baggage through time, and before one hits the dating seen, it needs to be checked. You may never completely LOSE it — but deal with it, and do so in such a way that you don’t allow or expect your future “significants” to help you tote it.
Funny stuff, Jamie.
Thanks, Kirsten and Copyleft!
I am kind of suspicious at someone my age, late 30s, who does not have any baggage. If you don’t have any baggage, what have you been doing?
Thanks, Jamie! This article provided some helpful pointers for me as I re-enter the very scary world of dating. It’s a good thing that I have no baggage at all:) Now I know what NOT to say or do.
It should be equal. You pay too. Who knows how big… kisser you are:)