Fleshlight: An iPad You Can Be ‘Intimate’ With

Oliver Lee Bateman imagines how Fleshlight’s new iPad attachment might review itself, were it actually able to do such a thing.

Gizmodo recently confirmed that Fleshlight will be producing and selling an iPad cover that you can actually have sex with.

Gizmodo explains:

So there that is. F*ckable iPads, coming soon. We assume that it will launch with a geometrically opposite counterpart (read: dildo) as well.

I couldn’t help but wonder how the F*ckable iPad itself would weigh in on this if it were capable of submitting an Amazon review …

367 of 395 people found the following review helpful:
★☆☆☆☆ Please, no more touching, February 20, 2012

By 420fleshlight69er See all my reviews

This review is from: FleshliPad Holder (electronics)

Hi, this is the FleshliPad Holder itself. I’m writing a review on Amazon in the hopes that some good samaritan will notice it and get me the hell out of here.  It started innocently enough:  I was sitting on a shelf at the local adult bookstore (“ABS”) out on McKnight Road, just minding my own business.  Then this Steve Buscemi impersonator with the worst eczema I’ve ever seen comes in and purchases me.  I think to myself, well, this day was going to come, so I ought to make the most of it.  As I watch him whip out a gold AMEX card to pay the cashier, my spirits soar.  Maybe this guy is one of those Internet millionaires I’ve heard so much about from the “anal insertion training kit” that used to sit next to me.

Nope.  Turns out it’s his grandma’s card.  Turns out he lives with his grandma.  Turns out his grandma’s so senile she doesn’t even noticing him skulking back to his basement room so that he can take me out of the box and snap me onto his iPad.  “Oh, that’s a cute thingamadoodle,” says grandma as he walks by, and I’m not sure if she’s talking about me or his actual thingamadoodle.  He still has his Jnco-brand jeans on, so I assume she’s talking about me.  When we’re safely behind closed doors, he drops the Jncos and begins browsing his documents folder.  What’s he going to queue up?  Please say it’s not the kind of stuff we can both get arrested for.

I breathe a sigh of relief.  It isn’t.  But then I gasp in horror:  What it is turns out be nothing less (and nothing more) than an animated .gif of his own  mouth, complete with the horrifying, lip-smacking sound effects that he’s recorded using his GarageBand app.  Oh brave new globalized, tech-savvy world that Tom Friedman writes about in The New York Times…and oh you people in it!

You’d suppose that he would quit after a few hours, right?  That he’d get tired of me and return to his Warcrafting or Skyrimming or whatever else he does to occupy his time?  Nope.  Not a chance.  Here I am, 48 hours later, stinking to high heaven.  There’s not a chance in Hades he’ll ever rinse me out.  It’s this same ridiculous animated .gif over and over again. “Yes,” I imagine him to be thinking as he struggles against extreme fatigue to prepare himself for another round, “I have had my vision.”

What in the name of all that’s holy were you thinking, Fleshlight Corporation?

Photo courtesy of cogdogblog

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About Oliver Lee Bateman

Good Men Project contributing editor Oliver Lee Bateman is a columnist for Al-Jazeera America and Made Man Magazine. His writing has been featured in Salon, The Atlantic, Johnny America, Stymie: A Journal of Sport and Literature, the U.S. Intellectual History Blog, STIR Journal, Mic.com, and NAP Magazine. He is also one of the founders of the Moustache Club of America and Penny & Farthing, two blogzines specializing in flash fiction and creative nonfiction that he co-curates with web developer Erik Hinton, medical consultant Nathan Zimmerman, and freelance writers Christie Chapman and J. R. Powell. Oliver is a lawyer as well as an assistant professor at the University of Texas at Arlington. Follow him on Twitter @MoustacheClubUS or on Google+.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] weird, and revolutionary gadgets, gizmos and technology. Gizmodo is where I first learned about the f**kable iPad cover by Fleshlight. You ain’t gonna see that on engadget, are you? Aside from being a sex advice blogger, I [...]

  2. [...] weird, and revolutionary gadgets, gizmos and technology. Gizmodo is where I first learned about the f**kable iPad cover by Fleshlight. You ain’t gonna see that on engadget, are you? Aside from being a sex advice blogger, I don’t [...]

  3. [...] he and his nerdy son can watch it at home later that night while using Hostess Fruit Pies™ like Fleshlights™, wait no [...]

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