Mark Greene asks, “Why is there a cultural bias against single men raising children?”
Did law enforcement officials who wrongly arrested celebrity photographer Paul Rusconi for child molesting and rape do so because he is gay or because he is a single male parent? Either way, it shows how quickly a man can have his children taken from him in our culture.
Rusconi had his twin daughters taken away based on the word of distant relatives and the girl’s nanny and her husband. The charges were based in part on a portrait Rusconi took of himself and his daughters in the bathtub. This intimate and loving portrait of the two infant girls resting on his chest triggered action by the authorities.
KTLA reports “The day he was arrested, June 17, 2011, Rusconi’s two daughters were taken away from him and given to his accusers, who had convinced authorities they were the best caretakers for the twins. Rusconi was held overnight in jail and then released on $220,000 bail.”
It took months for Rusconi to get his daughters back. He is now suing his accusers after being cleared of all charges.
KTLA reports, “Rusconi believes his situation as a single father made him vulnerable to the suspicions of others. And Rusconi believes the malicious accusations may have been motivated by the fact that he is gay.
‘They all called me a sexual deviant and a pervert,’ Rusconi says. ‘That’s all stemming from my sexuality.’
♦◊♦
Now we all know that 99.9% of parents, both men and women are great. We know this. But in the child welfare system of any major city, we sometimes hear of children who suffer horribly at the hands of mothers who are unfit to keep their children and yet were allowed to even though there were big signs of trouble. When reports surface of children dying, often it is after repeated visits by child welfare workers who failed to remove the child from the home. Paul Rusconi takes a loving photo with his daughters and has them yanked. What does this say about how we view single fathers in our culture? How quick are we all to a be skeptical of men as full time parents?
And even more chilling, what happens to single fathers who don’t have Rusconi’s resources and connections?
• Is there a guilty until proven innocent standard applied to gay or single male parenting?
• Are single fathers allowed to show physical affection toward their children in the same intimate ways women are?
• Is male comforting or holding contact with children presupposed by law enforcement to be sexual?
Read and view the horrifying story at KTLA.com
Did law enforcement officials who wrongly arrested celebrity photographer Paul Rusconi for child molesting and rape do so because he is gay or because he is a single male parent? Probably because he was a gay male parent. From the get go nudity is sexualized so when nudity and children intersect that’s when the crazy accusations come out. Also from the get go is that men are just basically waiting around for their next rape victim and when that intersects with nude children people flip the fuck out. And again from the get go there is the presumption that dads… Read more »
“Probably so. His accusers didn’t want those girls being raised by a gay guy so they reached for a favorite weapon, the false accusation. Because who would dare think that there exists a man that would not abuse his own children?” Excellent point. He’s facing prejudice both as a gay person AND as a single parent AND as a man. I actually wonder how much worse his experience in this has been compared to the experience of hetero single dads of daughters. I’d guess 10% worse, but fairly comparable to what he might experience even if he weren’t gay in… Read more »
The assumption of guilt for any man (gay or straight) is really out of control. A few years ago a friend of mine and his wife started providing short term foster care for teenagers. A pretty significant undertaking given they had three kids of their own (two girls and a boy) all under ten at the time.
They ended it pretty abruptly and in disgust when the child welfare officer told them that the husband should never be home alone (i.e., without the wife present) with the girl they were fostering.
Eh, substitute “The assumption of guilt for any man” with “The assumption of guilt of all men”.
Sigh.
Anyone who has raised a child knows there is a period of time in between giving your baby a bath in the sink and sitting outside the tub, leaving your child alone in the water, where you spend a year or so, getting in there with them. Otherwise the little scrappers sink.
I’m guessing you’re a dad, did you feel more uncomfy doing that after all this pedo-hysteria? I don’t have kids myself but I am extremely aware of the climate here in Australia regarding men and kids, I find it difficult to even play with cousins over the fear of that hysteria.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m very comfortable being physically affectionate with my son and even making respectful contact with other people’s kids. I practice attachment parenting. I believe children need consistent physical contact with their parents. It would be a terrible thing if we let fear govern how we nurture our kids.
I’m hoping it’ll dissolve away once I have my own kids. Thanks for the reply.
I hope so, too. I can tell you that despite how suspiciously people tend to regard men around children, I’ve managed to still be comfortable and even physically affectionate around them most of my life. (I have a small stature and have never looked intimidating, so I’ve maybe been cut more slack, even though that shouldn’t make a difference.) That comfort level varies with the situation, though, so for example, I won’t give a second thought to hugging a friend’s kid that I know, or at a playgroup where even a strange kid approaches me with arms outstretched as long… Read more »
It would be nice, I know how the lack of human touch can really leave men like me wanting and longing. I cuddle the kitten, cat and dog quite a lot so I’m guessing I’d be an affectionate father as well, it’s great to hear there are still men who feel free to do so without the hassle I hear about. Thank-you!
Bathing my twin daughters has been one of my favorite routine nurturing things that I can do since they were born, and I give 99% of the baths unless I’m gone at bathtime. My girls started out in the NICU, so it was probably a couple weeks or more before we were allowed to even bathe them ourselves for the first time, and the first several were there in the NICU. From the time they came home, I’ve usually gotten in the bath with them, and while there’s a small tub I sometimes bathe them in without getting in, I… Read more »
That’s because America is wack when it comes to nudity and sex.
Good for you, Marcus. Rock on.
I have to admit, the thought of a taking a bath or showering with a child seems weird to me and I doubt I would ever do it if I had kids, even though I’m a woman. Maybe it’s just because I was raised in a family that was fairly conservative about nudity but, I mean, if you do it, your kids are getting awfully close physically to parts of your body that are normally kept covered by clothing. I don’t think there’s anything perverted or sexual about it, but it does seem, I don’t know, kind of inappropriate, at… Read more »
Eh, I used to take baths with my sister, and I showered with my Mom. I was young enough that I only vaguely remember…but it wasn’t a big deal. I mean, fair enough if you don’t want to do that with your kids if/when you have them. But it’s not necessarily ichy or weird.
I totally relate to that “icky” feeling, too. I do lap swims at a public pool, where the policy is that adults can bring any children under the age of 7 into the locker room with them, regardless of the gender of the child. I get why the policy is there, and intellectually I can wrap my head around it. But, I feel extremely uncomfortable about walking from the shower to the locker naked while there are 5 year old girls walking around the locker room or changing clothes on the same bench that I use. Or soaping up at… Read more »
Probably not quite the same feeling, until the boy in the locker room hits 7 or 8.
Women are allowed more freedom with their bodies and kids. “mom” bodies I suppose. But all of america has a real hang up about casual nudity.
While I accept on an intellectual level that there is nothing of a sexual nature in sharing the bath while bathing your kids, on an emotional level I personally find I have a high icky factor with it. I always remained outside the bath when bathing my kids. My approach has always been what was pragmatic while maintaining respect for my own and my kids privacy with regard to their bodies. When they were very young they could not bathe unsupervised so we made it a fun time for them and us. On the other hand, there’s never really a… Read more »
I can’t speak to this instance but there is a definite single dad bias. I was raised (female only child) by my father after my mother passed away (I was nine). My father was once nearly escorted from a sears when he wandered into the tv section carrying several training bras (I was back in the dressing room trying on round two). The security guard told him they don’t “tolerate perverts cruising their stores”. The security guard was calling for back up “to help remove a pervert” (because my father had explained and refused to leave) when I walked up… Read more »
“I have also been passively aggressively questioned about “how its weird/odd that my father hasn’t gotten remarried yet.” or “Is it weird that its just the two of you.” I even had an old women say “be careful he doesn’t think your his new wife!” – we were talking about the amount of chores I did.” Whole lot of offensive crap going on there in those horrible examples you cite, KT. Thanks for those. Times have changed enough that if you call someone out on the first question as a homophobe, they will at least know what you are acsuing… Read more »
There are many parts to this accusation that make no sense. I’ll just bring up one that seems completely logically obvious to me but may offend many people. If he’s gay (strictly homosexual, I mean), why would he be interested in sexual contact with any girls at all? Wouldn’t a gay dad be even LESS likely to molest his daughters than a hetero dad? It seems to me that his sexual orientation would raise the burden of proof on the accuser to a higher level, not a lower level.
From what I’ve read, the majority of paedophiles identify themselves as heterosexual in their adult sexual relationships irrespective of the gender of the children they abuse (assuming they have an adult sexuality at all). So while the logic of your premise is internally consistent it fails in the assumption that there is a (strong) causal relationship between a paedophile’s adult sexual leanings and their preferences in child victims. (Just as those who assume a causal relationship between being gay and paedophilia are wrong.)
Mind you, logic tends to go out the window when fear and ignorance and involved.
I was thinking about that as I was writing, about how male pedophiles who prey upon boys generally identify as heterosexual, so there’s clearly no hard and fast rule. I decided what the hell and wrote the message anyway, wondering if anyone would bring that up. If my messages have to be consistent with reality, then I wouldn’t write so many of them….. : – )
Probably both. A man naked, with naked kids in a bath, Oh no it’s a pedophile run for your lives!!11! All of this pedo-hysteria actually makes me not want kids, do I need to remain fully clothed around them and they need to be fully clothed too? How many photos of a nude mother and baby are there that are celebrated as beautiful, do we men share the same innocent beauty or are we seen with suspicion?
Actually, I have heard of a few women arrested for posessing “child pornography.” But I’d be surprised if John Law wasn’t more likely to suspect a man of the same thing.
Sally Mann was accused of child pornography as she took photos of her kids. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sally_Mann
this was in the early 90’s. I don’t know if it happened today if they’d have been taken, but she was definitely under fire.
Gay parents are often accused of terrible things because people assume gayness means potential perversions, I presume.
Terrible what happened to him and he should kick their asses into court.
“Gay parents are often accused of terrible things because people assume gayness means potential perversions, I presume.”
On the nose.
And the ironic thing here is that whoever saw anything sexual in naked children, the accusers in this case, were the real perverts.
It is not a matter of gay or not. It is a matter of adult or not. Would you like to enter a babysitters house and see your child naked with another naked adult? Or a stranger naked, holding your child naked? I know I wouldn’t like this. So if it is not good for one adult then it is not good for any adult. Whether you are a parent or not. You can still give children affection without being naked. There is a difference between giving them a cuddle, changing them, and taking baby photo’s of them – to… Read more »
“Sally Mann was accused of child pornography as she took photos of her kids.”
I must admit, I am uncomfortable with photographs of children in any significant state of undress. Be it for artistic purposes or the snapshots of the kids in the bath.
While I would not consider it automatically sexual in nature (context is king, after all), I have a viscerally negative reaction.
I’m surprised you need to ask, Mark. Any woman in a custody dispute who wasn’t directly advised by her lawyer to make a molestation charge against father has at least received the same suggestion from her friends. It’s risk-free… there’s no downside!
“Guilty until proven innocent” is the new norm in sexual assault cases, from initial claim all the way through wrongful conviction. Any man can be accused at any time, and no defense is possible. Gay men have it even worse because so many ignorant people think homosexuality = pedophilia anyway.