Glamour magazine just recently posted the results to their annual “Extra-Hot, Extra-Juicy Guy Survey.” They give no details on the demographics, so we must assume that this survey was conducted in a fool-proof, extra-scientific manner. Here are ten of the EHEJG survey’s most telling results:
When it comes right down to it, you’d say you’re:
- A boob guy: 36%
- A butt guy: 33%
- A face guy: 21%
- A leg guy: 10%
And what about all the elbow, eyebrow, and earlobe guys out there? By the way, we prefer “gentlemen of the breast,” not “boob guy.” That’s just ignorant.
A genie will grant you one wish. You pick:
- A bigger penis for you: 62%
- Bigger breasts for your wife/girlfriend: 38%
Duh, my first wish would be for unlimited wishes, and anyone who knows anything about genies knows that’s automatically your first wish. This is stupid.
Would you rather walk in on your parents having sex or be walked in on by them?
- Have them walk in on me: 73%
- Walk in on them: 27%
I did not realize that Satan wrote survey questions for Glamour. I do not answer questions posed by the antichrist.
If you were a woman, would you date you?
- Yes: 79%
- No: 21%
I couldn’t be a woman and then date myself, silly. I either have to be myself or be a woman. Physically, this is impossible. Glamour really needs a science editor.
Guys are obsessed with anal sex because:
- They want to check it off their sexual scorecard: 51%
- It feels good: 49%
Er, don’t you mean sexual bucket list? Scorecards are those things old guys write on during baseball games, so they don’t fall asleep in the stands and get hit by a foul ball.
You’re watching porn and your girlfriend walks into the room. You:
- Switch to Animal Planet and put a magazine on your lap. She’ll never know! 35%
- Yell, “Can a guy get some privacy here?” 8%
- Move over on the couch and ask her to join you: 57%
Shouldn’t the question be: “You’re watching animal planet and your girlfriend walks into the room?” Am I right?
Whose life would you most like to be living?
- Justin Bieber’s: 4%
- The Situation’s: 8%
- Barack Obama’s: 13%
- Roger Federer’s: 16%
- Jay-Z’s: 27%
- Mark Zuckerberg’s: 32%
A man who dates only much younger women is:
- Normal: 16%
- Sleazy: 19%
- A genius: 11%
- Just dating whom he likes: 54%
I plead the fifth, citing lack of information required to make a sound judgment. What if we found out Jonathan Franzen only dated older women? He’s still a genius, isn’t he?
Which scares you more?
- The threat of tsunamis, tornadoes, or terrorism: 61%
- The threat of going bald: 39%
Well done, Glamour, covering natural disasters that could affect those inland and on the coast. The 39 percent that chose “going bald” must’ve been astronauts.
The hottest woman at a party invites you home with her. At her front door, she mentions she has bedbugs. You:
- Get out of there ASAP: 43%
- Throw caution to the wind—bug bites are temporary: 57%
Bed bugs may be temporary, but STDs are permanent.