Homeless Hippie Hitchhiker Handles Hatchet Heroically

Soft-spoken sojourner saves stranger, seeks surfing, swears steadily.

In an interview that seems destined to place him in the autotuned and screencapped pantheon of the internet’s favorite news subjects, a peripatetic young wanderer known only as Kai describes how he stopped the assault of a “fuckin’ 300-pound guy” who was, in Kai’s phrasing, “beyond haole” and “fuckin’ kooked out.”

According to Kai’s version of events, to which I cannot do justice (just watch the video, but be aware that Kai’s language is not appropriate for many situations), he was hitching a ride with a man who spontaneously confessed to raping a 14-year-old girl years ago, subsequent to which he had come to the realization that he was Jesus Christ and could do anything he wanted. To demonstrate this moral principle, he rammed a pedestrian with his car, pinning the poor fellow against a van. Kai, by his own account, took the keys from the driver (hereafter referred to as Definitely Not Jesus) and got out of his car. Two women attempted to help the guy trapped between the vehicles, and Definitely Not Jesus began assaulting one of the women, at which point Kai obtained a hatchet (the source of the hatchet is unclear in his relation of events) and used it on Definitely Not Jesus in a manner only describable as “smash, smash, SUH-MASH.” From there, apparently, things got weird.

I have only known this dude for five minutes and I love him.

I can only close with my new all-purpose benediction, wedding toast, and commencement address:

No matter what you’ve done, you deserve respect, even if you make mistakes, you lovable. And it doesn’t matter your looks, skills, or age, or size, or anything, you’re worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you.

Amen, you crazy hippie. Amen.

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About Noah Brand

Noah Brand is an Editor-at-Large at Good Men Project, and possibly also a cartoon character from the 1930s. His life, when it is written, will read better than it lived. He is usually found in Portland, Oregon, directly underneath a very nice hat.

Comments

  1. Nice alliteration.. and a nice story.

  2. Gotta hand it to the reporter, as well… he continued to ask good questions long after I would have been in the “this is way too awkward” zone.

    Kai is indeed pretty cool (and maybe a little crazy in his own good way), but did you catch the last 15 seconds? http://youtu.be/Jj4EWAhMTb4?t=5m31s :-(

    • Noah Brand says:

      Honestly, those last 15 seconds are what make it for me. I’ve known a lot of people, too many people, who are permanently estranged from their families, and it doesn’t surprise me in the least that this guy would be one of them. It reminds me of some of the more interesting people I’ve known, and it lends a sad resonance to his story.
      That, or he’s saying that he actually did die, but returned from beyond the veil of death to walk the earth, protecting the innocent from the beyond haole. Honestly, I’ll accept either explanation.

  3. wellokaythen says:

    I’m not always a big fan of Christianity, but, yeah, I totally concur that insane driver was Definitely Not Jesus. Read the Gospels anyway you want, that psycho was clearly not the Jesus I’ve heard of.

    But, I still have to be the turd in the punchbowl here, because I’m a large man myself. Why does it matter one bit how large the crazy man was? Because he was 300 pounds, that means you get to hit him harder and more times? I don’t think so. The skull doesn’t work like that. A 300-pound man’s skull is not twice as hard as a 150-pound man’s skull. A hatchet is still a hatchet.

    I don’t see a flipped out 150 pound man getting whacked again and again with a hatchet, at least not as likely to be, as a 300 pounder. (And a 130 pound woman? Forget about it.)

  4. Thank you Noah for not letting this spin off into some abyss of ” male violence”….
    And I’m intrigued by Kai using the word “cleave” as in “I cleaved his head [sic, maybe, it has been days since I watched the video].
    There is more to,this kid than he is saying, his diction & vocabulary phase change, his shirt is clean and like his gear appears brand new….

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