Yep, it’s that time of year again. It’s October, and you know what that means: baseball playoffs. The season, which seemingly started 45 years ago, ends this weekend. Now you can actually start to care.
If you go to a playoff game, there are certain rules to follow to maintain your image as a good man. In our second installment of “How Not to Be a Good Man,” I’ll explain precisely how not to act at a baseball playoff game.
Wear a Jersey with Your Name on It
This is a two-fold problem. First, there is no reason you should own an authentic baseball jersey. They’re expensive, and they look silly. Unbuttoned or fully buttoned, the heavy jersey is a bit much. If you have a baseball jersey, it should be hanging in the closet or possibly framed on your wall, not draped over your shoulders.
Now, please don’t multiply the problem. Don’t buy a Yankees jersey with the number two and have the name “Ralph” sewn on. You’re not seven, and you never played for the Yankees. It’s not like any professional player wears his first name on the back of the jersey anyway. The same applies to nicknames. “Big Chief,” “Louie Jr.,” “Salami King,” and any other moniker is strictly forbidden. If you must, just buy a t-shirt.
Bring Your Glove
You’re an adult. If you play softball or baseball in a men’s league, that’s fine. Good for you. But in case you didn’t realize, you’re not actually playing in this game. Leave the glove at home. Don’t be the guy eating a hotdog out of a Rawlings mitt and drinking a beer—actually no, probably soymilk—with your free hand. If you’re under 15 years old, then, by all means, bring your glove.
But what about foul balls? What about them? It’s a freaking baseball, and you’re a grown man. Catch it with your hands. If that’s too hard, let your girlfriend catch it for you. I’m assuming you go to these games to actually watch—it is the playoffs. If not, just have your kids hit balls at you while you sit in a chair, hands full with food and drink. You’ll save a ton of money.
Be a Phillies Fan
If you’re reading this, I assume that you’re a fully evolved Homo sapien. Right away, that disqualifies your from being a Philadelphia Phillies fan. Phillies fans don’t have the fully developed reasoning, logic, language, and behavior skills of a true human being. Now, if you’re reading this and scratching your head, unable to understand what all these randomly arranged symbols mean, you’re actually a Phillies fan. You just don’t know it.
Philadelphia fans can’t figure out how humans are supposed to act. Normally, when Santa Claus is on the field, you don’t peg him with snowballs. When a player lays motionless, possibly paralyzed for life, you don’t boo. And when there’s an 11-year-old girl sitting in front of you, drinking too much beer and forcing yourself to vomit on her is the exact opposite of acceptable humane behavior.
Also: please don’t run onto the field. You will get tasered. Save everyone the time and just wear your “I’m a Jackass” t-shirt to the game.
Eat Anything Other Than a Hot Dog, Popcorn, and Cracker Jacks
There’s a good chance you’ll be attending a game at one of the newer, modern ballparks this postseason. In each one there’s a variety of exotic and fun foods. Don’t even think about it.
We like baseball because it’s America’s sport, right? It’s slow and boring, but it’s our sport. We invented it, and we’ve preserved all of the wacky traditions, hot dogs and Cracker Jacks included. If you go to a baseball game, this is what you eat. Do not wait on line for Shrimp burger for five innings. You shouldn’t be eating seafood at a baseball game anyway. The Mesquite pulled pork can also wait for another night.
Buy a hotdog from the stand and order a beer. Call over a vendor for a bag of Cracker Jacks, and try not to let the bag hit you in the face.