First comes love, then comes commitment, then comes… Sharing passwords?
Open Discussion:
In news that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, Robert Pattinson (R-Patz to those of you born after 1986) has supposedly reunited with live-in girlfriend Kristen Stewart (K-Stew) under the condition that she share her passwords with him.
Newser quips:
Kristen had been trying to convince Rob that she never actually slept with director Rupert Sanders—just “engaged in several make-out sessions,” as one source puts it to Radar—but Rob was wary. Until Kristen gave him all her voicemail and e-mail passwords, the source explains, “to prove she has nothing to hide and will do anything to get his trust back.” Apparently Rob has never heard of the “delete” button.
Although we don’t know what’s actually happening in these people’s lives, we can still ask the bigger question:
Should you share your passwords with your partner?
AP File photo
Late to the game on this. I don’t care if someone goes to my computer and clicks on all the links where I’m set on keep me logged in. I’ve had one bad experience with a break up where the person had my passwords and played absolute hell with my life until I could clean it all up. So I won’t be sharing passwords but if I’m already logged in it’s all good to me if the person is noodling around reading whatever. Having tried to rebuild trust with a partner after he stepped out of the relationship I never… Read more »
The main reason I’d ask for passwords would to be to see the reaction of the party asking for a second chance. If they understood my mistrust and legitimately wanted to help rebuild trust and security but could not comply for good reason that would be at least a base to work from. If they stonewalled, flatly refused, and made selfish excuses about boundaries, that would be very indicative of the value this person puts on me and the relationship boundaries they just took a crap on. Sometimes you have to try to make the best of a really bad… Read more »
Yes, John. And it just occured to me that my partner could walk to my desktop, and pull up two of my three email accounts anyway because they’re set on “keep me logged in.” She wouldn’t, though, any more than I would do the same to her. The one she couldn’t pull up is my ex-university account, the most boring, of course, but I’ve given her the password to that one several times, when we had to grab documents when I was teaching in MA, and she in NY.
I wouldn’t share passwords on an account. I might consider it if it didn’t violate the terms of service, but I’m unaware of any situation where a person is given an account and is not expected to safe guard the password. I’d consider sharing the password on my computer or a voice mail account that I owned, if I bothered to put one on there, but if you violate the terms of service, you’re already showing that you’re not worthy of trust. Like locks and doors, passwords only keep honest people out. The better the crook, the more precautions you’d… Read more »
Let me be clear again. Asking for a partner’s passwords is, to me, an important boundary violation. It’s outrageous, actually. I’d never ask to do it under any circumstances. If the lack of trust is great, then break up. Or live with it. I think that we’re in a constant state (Karen Horney) of moving forward and moving away in relationships. A civilized curtain is key to preserving them.
Agree – well put.
Got it in one, Hank.
Never acceptable, no discussion needed.
Two consenting partners can come up with whatever works for them in my opinion. If they each agree to complete open access as a tool to help and support each other more power to them. My personal definition of “all” probably falls into the category of all reasonable and personal access. Obviously total work access in most cases is impossible. My point was not to split hairs or devolve into a list of exceptions. Personally, I don’t think I’d ever be with a partner that wasn’t smart enough to find quick workarounds to any access provided either via new email… Read more »
Oh, btw – by “all” (in the headline), do you mean also work passwords? Therein lies a whole other set of problems. Sharing those go-to-market plans, the announcement of layoffs, the staff issues, the access to company development results – not a smart idea.
No. My privacy is not just my privacy, it’s also the privacy of people who trust me. There are people who have agreed share things with me (brothers, sisters, friends, community members) who by no means have agreed to share those same things with my partner. If I’m granted access to a closed online group where help each other coming to terms with hard issues ( childhood abuse, sexuality, mental issues, whatever) by sharing their stories and talking about finding a path, I have an obligation to respect the fact that the trust extends to me only. Likewise if friends,… Read more »
I think Wellokaythen captured it. A person who has already broken the trust in the relationship and wants a second chance should understand that previous levels of privacy may not give your partner enough security. If they would be unwilling to provide requested access that would be a strong indicator of how much value they currently place on a partner and relationship they have already betrayed once.
Being expected to hand over all your passwords in a otherwise healthy relationship should be a joint decision if at all. It should never be an tool of control.
In the aftermath of one or both partners having an affair, sharing passwords is a very important act of good faith, and it’s really hard to rebuild trust without it. I can’t imagine rebuilding after infidelity without providing that level of transparency. If you’re trying to heal a relationship after an affair, you have to accept a reduced level of privacy, and online privacy is part of that. That’s part of the price of starting over. (Speaking from gut-wrenching personal experience here.)
At the start of a relationship, though? That’s a slightly different context.
sharing passwords, are a option, but not the rule.
I’d never share all my passwords with anyone, nor would I expect this in a relationship. On a couple of occasions, because I worked out of state until my retirement this spring, my wife or I would request the other’s university email password in order to get a document. No problem. Because I use my gmail account for play, including at times flirtation, I don’t share it. I have an ex-student where the husband’s searching her phone and computer almost daily was an early feature of an abuse pattern that developed into severe beatings over a two-year period. At the… Read more »
Personally, I’d never expect my partner to share his passwords with me. I like the fact that there are aspects of his life that only he is entitled total privacy. In fact, the only time I opened his e mail account was to notify his boss that he was in hospital, and I’ve never had a reason to use his password since then. I’ve never even glanced at his journal, which he leaves in the open in our bedroom for the same reason. He deserves privacy even in the openness of our committed relationship. I think it is important for… Read more »
It depends on the couple.
Me personally? Yeah, sure, why not? If my partner really wants to hear all the wrong number voice mails from a mechanic trying reach a man named Greg; read through my dumb jokes and dumber pick-up lines on Twitter; or see all the newsletters I get from ASOS, Urban Outfitters, and Threadless, she’s much obliged.
I vote no, do not share passwords.
1. People need to maintain their individuality and some independence when they are part of a couple. Healthy couples maintain privacy (not the same as secrecy), and do not become a single unit of person.
2. If you do not trust the other person, passwords won’t help. You can not police a person enough to prevent them from cheating.
I’m with Collin. My computer is a part of me and there are certain things about me that are absolutely off limits. Likewise I also respect the fact that my partner would have such spaces that would be off limits to me. Should you share your passwords with your partner? It’s going to vary from person to person. I myself wouldn’t share my passwords with my partner nor would I expect my partner to share their with me. But there may be people who would not like that (the “If you aren’t doing anything wrong then why so secretive?” crowd… Read more »
Sharing passwords sounds too controlling and freaky…
My ex used to tell me to share all of my thoughts with him as if he wanted to control my mind….that level of distrust is unhealthy…eventually, she will find a way to hide stuff away from him anyway…I’m sure she resents being treated like a wayward child…and how do we know Rob isn’t fooling around with other girls?
If someone password protects their computer and phone, I feel like they have something to hide. Sure the computer and phone are an extention of you, and someone shouldn’t snoop, but hiding things never gives another person a level of trust. It’s saying I don’t trust you with my things. And I don’t like being in a relationship that involves shutting the other person out of that extension. I want to share all of me with someone I care about. Not just parts and I want that same feeling in return.
Everyone DOES have things to hide. I have banking information that I don’t want to be sharing, for example. There are also lots of old things that I keep on my computer, memories, that I want to keep for myself. Do I want to share things that I wrote when I was severely depressed with someone? No, I don’t. Maybe I’ll be happy to share it some day, but I don’t want them to be able to easily access it. Back in the day, we could keep our dark secrets tucked away in our heads, but today our computers are… Read more »
In the same way I wouldn’t want someone to have free access to my innermost thoughts and feelings, I don’t want them to have access to my computer. This makes me think of the carefree way that people share things about themselves that come back to haunt them later. Sure it’s nice to show off to your friends that you can do a keg stand but 2 years later when a potential employee pull up that picture things change. Before the likes of tumblr, FB, etc…. when you wanted to share such pics it was just a matter of passing… Read more »
So, Elizabeth – you’re fine with your kids accessing your personal email, your online banking, and you work mail? Seriously, not password protecting things in an age with pervasive digital trails is not something I would contemplate.
That sounds like a question Joanna’s husband would ask. In fact, I’m almost convinced that he probably used her GMP password to log in and post as her. Come to think of it, there’s all sorts of weirdness that could just be Mr. Joanna running amok with all the power her password gives her. A comment of mine recently showed up in LOLspeak — just the sort of hijinx you’d expect from an unauthorized super-admin. But seriously, I think it’s one of those comfort level things that depends on the couple, so there’s not a one-size-fits all yes or no… Read more »
In practice, it does not pick at the scab. On the day when anxiety comes back, and you begin to wonder if you have been an idiot. It is comforting to have been granted access, to do a check, and to realize that the bad old days are truly gone.
No. If you can’t trust without snooping, you know the answer to your questions. You’re just not ready to admit it.
Then you are in a one-strike-and-you-are-out relationship. But if you want to forgive, and the other person is begging for a second chance, this is one of the ways to go.
I don’t imagine I’d stick around after infidelity, but I just don’t think it’s a healthy way to reestablish trust for people who try to work things out. Forgive and forget isn’t truly an option in this case, but if trust is that low, then sharing passwords is an invitation to keep picking at the scab. Beyond that, if you can’t trust the person to not cheat without oversight, how can you trust them to not have secret email accounts and cell phones?
If you are trying to win back trust, it is the very least that you can do. What is the expression, trust but verify.
My computer is an extension of my inner self, and I won’t be sharing it with anyone, ever. I don’t even let other people use my computer. I have an iPad if people want to use the internet in my apartment. I built my computer, I store everything personal of mine on my computer, and it is part of me. In the same way I wouldn’t give someone access to my cell phone, I won’t be giving out passwords. You are entitled to your private space, and I am entitled to mine. Perhaps it is a generational thing, but my… Read more »
My wife and I share all our passwords, but I think it’d be unhealthy if she insisted I share passwords withoutmy wwanting to or vice versa. My feeling, knowing virtually nothing about the celebrities involved in this example, is if you can’t trust the person you’re with, don’t be with that person.
My wife has access to all of my info online… and I have hers. She never uses it, but she doesn’t have to…
Trust, honor and respect is a beautiful thing.
However, I wouldn’t do that for a “girlfriend” though.