If more people are living alone, in the United States and around the world, I would argue that our humanity is being chipped away by the lack of cuddle. People can do what they want, of course. And I don’t doubt that I am a particularly needy and sometimes neurotic man of a certain ilk. So maybe the cuddle is more important to me than it is to some independent-minded woman.
But then again, I also thought that guys were supposed to be the ones afraid of nesting. Well I, for one, am not. And all the social media and connectivity in the modern world won’t change that.
I think it’s interesting to compare loneliness from a lack of physical contact versus from a lack of social interaction. I love to interact with people socially, for example. I live alone, and sometimes I’ll go a couple days without having had any real conversations with anyone. That is when I might begin to feel lonely. But a night out at the pub or a couple hours hanging out with a friend will actually perk me right up….remind me that I’m not alone. Casual physical contact, on the other hand, is not something I ever long for. Walking arm in… Read more »
@Heather: “Casual physical contact, on the other hand, is not something I ever long for” When I hear something like that, I always wonder if that’s your true nature (you were born that way), or it’s stemming from experience. ❓ If I were you, I would like to find out. You know, some times we aren’t what we think we are. Take shyness for example; I don’t think anybody is ever born shy. Shyness is not a kind of personality, is a defensive reaction. “Shyness” is a label we often use instead of asking ourselves “Why am I afraid?” and… Read more »
Yeah I have wondered that about myself…but I honestly think it’s just my innate personality. Either that or it was something that I started doing as an infant. Like I mentioned in another post, it’s not as if my parents never held me or cuddled with me when I was a child. It just usually made me uncomfortable. Not all the time…I mean when I got really upset or hurt as a child I might cry while my mom hugged me. And now as an adult, there have been times where casual physical contact has been comforting or soothing. But… Read more »
@Heather: “Either that or it was something that I started doing as an infant.”
Well, some behaviour takes place even before birth, while the fetus is still in the womb.
Of course I’m not questioning your life: whatever is okay for you, is ok. Besides, there’s always room for exceptions.
Still, all the informations I got about touch, tell me any living being needs it. Unless he got some kind of damage, that might drive him to create a defensive “bubble”, the kind you’re talking about.
But, who knows; life’s a mystery.
No worries, I know you’re not like trying to challenge me personally or anything 🙂
And yeah, I’m not saying I don’t ever want to be touched. That’d be quite extreme. I just mean that I’m usually uncomfortable with it.
My mom did eat a lot of chocolate while she was pregnant with me. That’s gotta be it. 😉 Naw seriously though, it could have been something I picked up in the womb. Who the heck knows.
I live alone. For a while, getting a pet helped. My cat gave me a reason to come home. He needed to be fed, etc. Now though, if I am home alone a long, I do get lonely for some one to talk to, etc just in a companion type of way. So I do not feel so alone.
I am an ISFP.
Jen, I volunteered in a nursing home for a bit. Many elderly people are forgotten. This can be a good way for you to seek out companionship. There is a foundation called Second Wind Dreams that try to fulfill the wishes of the elderly before they die. This one woman had always wanted to be a clown, so they dressed her up in a clown outfit and painted her face. She handed out balloons and red noses to sick children in a hospital. I really feel that helping others is really helping yourself too. Plus you can meet new people… Read more »
Personally I have done next to no cuddling in my life and at this point I wonder if its something I need or is it something that I’m just curious about.
@Danny, everybody need it. 🙂
Every animal does it and enjoys it, why should we be any different?
Even science demonstrate how being touched affect us in a very deep way, both psychologically and biologically. We are built to be touched.
“The language of love is a secret one, and its highest expression is a silent hug.”
(Robert Musil)
No. Every animal doesn’t do it and enjoy it. Neither does every human being need it in the same amounts or enjoy it to similar degrees. Each of us is a unique individual, and not everyone has the same needs. This does not make some of us less human or in any other way substandard to others.
Danny, My mother didn’t get lots of affection when she was growing up. My grandparents had this notion that children were really miniature adults. This makes it very hard for her even to this day to receive affection. She still tries even though it is very awkward for her. I have always wondered if she only tried because she felt women are supposed to be affectionate. It’s funny because now that I am all grown up I sleep next to her when I visit; something I didn’t do as a child. I can’t explain it but I always need to… Read more »
Alone and lonely are two different things. They don’t necessarily go hand in hand. One can be lonely within a crowd, at a social gathering, surrounded by family and friends, etc. Alone, in my opinion,means needing time apart from others. Alone time needed to recenter in order to even be able to connect with others. Even if being alone is a preference, we all need human touch and contact. I wish that more men understood that cuddling can mean needing affection or giving affection or sharing affection and doesn’t have to have a sexual component. Men of all people often… Read more »
@JR: “Just admit you want to be touched and be glad you have someone to touch you in public and in private!”
It’s hard going against your whole culture telling you that’s WRONG, and telling that since you were born. 🙁
It’s sort of brainwashing. Most people would kill themselves, rather than risking rejection or harsh judgment.
Some times, just being yourself is the hardest thing in the world. 😕
Valter, That is very true. How do you begin to change a mindset passed down for generations? I think each man needs to begin to make those changes within himself if there is going to be change in the public realm. I don’t necessarily support Obama but I do love how he isn’t afraid to show his wife affection in public. I read one of your comments on a different article, where you stated you were Italian. The stereotype is to think of the Sopranos but is touching and PDA in regards to men different in Italian culture? When I… Read more »
@JR: “How do you begin to change a mindset passed down for generations?” I think the first step is acknowledging you have an issue (just like in AA). The beginning is honesty. From there, you begin the journey to your true nature, your true self. @JR: “The stereotype is to think of the Sopranos” 😆 No, that’s not very representative. Yes, we have mafia, but 99% of Italians aren’t like those. 🙄 Regarding PDA (never heard before!) here, women are quite prone to it, many men aren’t; apart from relatives. Especially in Southern Italy, where they have kind of a… Read more »
Valter, I am glad you saw that the sopranos was a joke! I was worried about that. Being hispanic, machisimo was a big issue for me growing up. I find macho culture hilarious when stepping back to clearly examine it. Men full of insecurities that are trying so desepartely to cover them up. At other times macho culture makes me sick to my stomach, especially when you see the devasting results from such mentality. I know my brothers struggled alot with their masculine identities because of growing up with both hispanic and american influences on manhood. I am sure you… Read more »
@JR: “I am sure you faced similar issues.”
Not really, because I always lived in Northern Italy, were there’s little or no machismo.
Yes, even there men are insecure and try to be “real man” 🙄 but I learnt to see through that BS early enough. 😉
Not everyone is dependent on cuddling for soul-soothing and such. I refer you to many people of the INTJ Meyers-Briggs personality type, for example. That does not mean that we are lacking in humanity, thanks. It means that we take touch and other forms of interpersonal connection very seriously. When someone is touching me, I need to know Why? What Does It MEAAAANNNN??? INTJs are analysts. I will obsess over it for hours, days, weeks even, depending on the circumstances. It is very stressful. One of the most memorable moments of my life was when, on one of my first… Read more »
Kirsten, I love your comment! I am an ENFP. Thus I am extra touchy. Ironically, INTJs and ENFPs make perfect matches. I absolutely love touching INTJs because I know it bothers them. I know its wrong but I get a kick out of it. Once they realize it, then they think its funny too. I have chased my INTJ mates around the house, threatening to torture them with full body kisses and caresses. However, ENFPs are the most introvert of the extroverts so we definitively need space at times and to withdraw from the crowd. This really confuses people because… Read more »
“I have chased my INTJ mates around the house, threatening to torture them with full body kisses and caresses.”
I am well familiar with this phenomenon. I have a name for it: the assault hug. In spite of your mild criminal nature, some of my favorite people are ENFPs. 🙂
@Kirsten: “But I also wanted to vomit”
I don’t think you were born that way.
While I acknowledge different people have different attitudes towards touching and body contact (and I respect those differences), I believe we all need it, as part of our basic nature.
Then, cultural conditioning and life experiences can make somebody forget or even dislike touching. But that is not their nature.
Oh hoho…here the cultural relativist and archaeologist chick (that’s me) is going to say that she thinks some things are biological! lol. I can only speak from personal experience, but I have never been touchy-feely. The way my mother tells it, when I was a baby most of the time I’d cry (or at the lest wiggle around and try to get out) until whoever was holding me put me down. My sister, on the other hand, was quite touchy-feely. And that’s continued into adulthood. My parents never stopped hugging me or anything. They both always hugged, cuddled, and showed… Read more »
“I don’t think you were born that way.”
My mother would disagree with that. She reports that as a baby she took me to the doctor in the first few of months of my life to find out what was wrong with me because all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. I would get cranky if handled any more than necessary and then start crying if the person holding me didn’t knock it off.
You are a blessed man Tom. What you brought to the NYT by virtue of your family is one of those “un-speakables” in conventional masculinity. Thank you for kicking another door open.
Thank you Tom, I wholeheartedly agree.
It’s so easy, nowadays, having lots of interactions (mostly online), to the point of forgetting how important the touch, the skin, the warmth and the energy of a person close to us, are.
Personally, I’m a hell of a cuddler. 😀
It’s one of my favourite “skill”, and I cherish it dearly.
(oh, and the ladies appreciate 😉 )