Hey Maureen, really?
My NYT column “Man, I need a good cuddle” was actually an attempt to reach across the gender divide and say us guys are really a lot more sensitive than we are sometimes given credit. And that the growing trend of both men and women living alone isn’t all its cracked up to be IMO:
If more people are living alone, in the United States and around the world, I would argue that our humanity is being chipped away by the lack of cuddle. People can do what they want, of course. And I don’t doubt that I am a particularly needy and sometimes neurotic man of a certain ilk. So maybe the cuddle is more important to me than it is to some independent-minded woman.
I certainly am not above parody. I write plenty myself, I am sure not always without missing the mark on occasion. But for a woman “journalist” to put together this little love letter in essence asking me to grow a pair for saying how much I love holding my wife and kids is the worst form of man-bashing sexism.
Or maybe I’m being too sensitive…
If anybody wants to converse with Ms. O’Connor on cuddling, manhood, and Bin Laden (see below) she’s at [email protected].
Gotta make dinner and tuck the kids in so I can go cuddle my wife (what a pussy).
P.S. Almost forgot. Do NOT assume that she has given you the green light to cuddle with her just because she’s your wife. Bastard.
Based on what I’m reading elsewhere on the site, Tom, be sure to be in constant communication during the cuddle to make sure that your cuddling partner is maintaining enthusiastic consent to the ongoing cuddle. Perhaps you should negotiate a clear safe word that will mean “end of cuddle now!” You will be in serious trouble if you cuddle while either of you is drunk. Be warned.
LMAO
This is infuriating! Then women wonder why men get so confused as to what we want! One woman says she wants cuddling, another calls you a pussy for it. Furthermore, pussy is degarding for both men and women. Calling a man a pussy implies his weakness and further propogates the idea that women or feminity are weak. These are the type of women who make it difficult for the rest of us women who are trying to make positive change. What a double standard! If Tom called her a c*%t or a b!t*h, he would lose his job instantly! But… Read more »
Imagine! Individual women wanting different things! The nerve! 😉
I think she was just trying to parody three internet-commenter types. The one who agrees and then takes your point to the nth degree. The one who disagrees and insults and bullies you in the process. And the one that tries to calm the flames of internet arguments.
So yeah, I think it was an attempt at humor. Really though, it just came across as trolling.
Oh also, my guess is that she doesn’t realize how much cuddling is an unfortunately gendered action in our society. So she plays into it without quite realizing it.
Or she’s a messed up human being who needs to realize that men have more emotions than sex and anger.
I agree with Heather. Maureen seems like she’s parodying the format of the New York Times’ “Room for Debate” and using your article as a base for it. Part of that, I think, is because your article is relatively neutral and hard to disagree with. That way it is easier for her to play around with it by pushing it in one direction or the other.
i think she was trying to be funny, but she just sounds bitter and hurt. and not very stable. likely needs a good cuddle… among other things.
tom, you’re a rock star of a man. but i’m pretty sure you don’t need my validation – or anyone else’s. 🙂
I’m coming up there and I am going to hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry, etc.
Kind of reminds me of the scene in Office Space where the lead character asks his blue collar neighbor if anyone at his work ever says, “I’m having a Monday.” The blue collar guy says, “No, I think you’d probably get your ass kicked if you said that.” As a blue collar guy, I concur.
It also make me think about this disconnect: Women who want men to be evolved and sensitive, then ridicule them when they use what I will call femme-centric language. You can’t win with some people.
What happened to the scientific research that human beings are much healthier when they receive 10+ healthy (re: positive) touches a day?? We need physical contact! (High fives are the best informal form of this!) In fact, we crave it. I find her response really sad. Cuddle away, my friend! Nothing is better than snuggling up next to someone you care about (romantically or otherwise) and I have no idea why this would be any different for men than it is for women.
Sounds like another extravert-centric study. The most famous study done on the need for human contact was a study of very young children in a Romanian orphanage. It was determined that babies do need some human contact to become well-adjusted children. The flaw in using that data: this was an orphanage that was guilty of horrendous neglect, on the order of leaving children without any human contact at all for days at a time, without any socialization and often without food or a bed. Somehow that extreme case got worked up into the conclusion that people need lots and lots… Read more »
Also, I must say, I really resent the idea that female genitalia is offensive enough to use as a term to denigrate a man. Ugh!
Female genitalia is beautiful and never ever should be an insult. There is already a term to denote a “pussy”, it’s called a coward.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say the word should *never* be an insult, but it should at least be a compliment as often as an insult. That sounds fair to me. To my mind, idolizing a body part enough that it can only have positive connotations is really just the flip side of making it always an insult. Some earlobes are very beautiful. Some are not. You could say “that guy’s as dumb as an earlobe.” Why not positive and negative and everything in between? Perhaps something along the lines of “putanesca” like in Italian cuisine? The word… Read more »
I think thats genitalia in general, they’re used as a metaphor for whatever is the worst (supposed) characteristics of that gender.
Pussy = weak, cowardly, unadventurous etc.
Dick = Selfish, agressive, inconsiderate etc.
But yeah, I agree, it sucks. Genitalia get a bad rap for such fun toys 😉
I couldn’t even read her disgraceful commentary. It’s more of the same reinforcing of the gender binary – the gender binary that is as inhibiting to men as it is to women. Tom, if you need a good cuddle and can admit that you need a good cuddle, I think that makes you particularly manly! So kudos to you for identifying your own needs, breaking free of the gender binary, and perhaps paving the way for other men to feel more comfortable admitting to such basic needs!
I’m missing something here. Are people saying that if you live alone that means you don’t like cuddling? What?
Considering the effects of being touch-starved can be quite bad…it makes me sad that society views cuddling so negatively. Touch is essential yet seemingly rare these days….
Pretty sad at calling you a pussy for cuddling, she is extremely confusing and is that really meant to be humor on her part? I guess it’s like Saturday Night Live humor….something you need to be extremely high to laugh at:P
Our culture prizes independence too much and fear having our space encroach, this is especially true in adolescents; they can’t wait to move away from mom and dad; also true for a lot of men.
When females seek romance, I think we’re seen as “clingy” rather than “cuddly”; while most men seek hook-ups, as this allows them to maintain their “independence” via no commitment.
“When females seek romance, I think we’re seen as “clingy” rather than “cuddly”; while most men seek hook-ups, as this allows them to maintain their “independence” via no commitment.”
Incoming generalization alert!
All you have to do is check out dating/hook-up sites and there’s one popping up literally, every day. There’s a proliferation of men registered; I would vouch 2/3 men and the rest women. The Internet has made hook-ups easy…less and less men are seeking romance; just fast transactions…babda boom babda bing!
@Michelle, plenty of men seek romance but get disheartened by the “friend-zone” and sadly amongst both sexes there are quite a few bad experiences which can turn people off to relationships quite early. So many of these men deep down desire love but may feel it’s hard to get, so in the meantime they can hookup. They can also just be quite satisfied with hooking up and if love pops up then hooray but if it doesn’t then they still get a nice time. If so many men are reluctant to date, maybe it’s time for women to start asking… Read more »
“From what I hear from some male friends is they feel the young 20-30′s women are clingy and expect a LOT of time from their partners, usually these women (or men sometimes as I hear from female friends) don’t have many friends of their own or hobbies so they make the bf their entire world.” 20-30s, dudes — that’s the prime time in a woman’s life. Does that explain the “clingyness”? They are seeking romance and seeking to settle down and get married; start a new chapter in life. It has nothing to do with not having friends or hobbies.… Read more »
Sounds like communication early on is needed. The examples I gave were for just SOME women, and yes it was mostly about them having their own issues regarding lack of hobbies, lack of friends, feeling lonely and making their man the center of the universe. It’s sad that some people severely reduce the amount of time they spend with friends and family just to please a partner, do people really need to spend every single day together? Women and men need to communicate what they want, but it could very well be that young men do not want to settle… Read more »
Many men are not upfront…they love sex…drag a dead-end relationship on, and keep distant. But guys, if you find the women in your life “clingy”…do them a favour and tell them so; that way they can move on to someone who appreciates their company and don’t see them as “clingy”. Women need to find men who see romance and love, instead of the negative “clingyness”. Any man who expresses dissatisfaction and bring up clingyness are not ready to settle down or have a serious relationship. They need to find someone with the same mind-set. Communication and Truth people!
“Any man who expresses dissatisfaction and bring up clingyness are not ready to settle down or have a serious relationship. ” What a load of %*)$. When men say clingy, they mean someone who is WAY too attached where it causes problems. You’re assuming men don’t see romance and love yet many do, and many men who whinge about clingyness actually want love and romance but not to be smothered. There is a difference and any woman who is actually clingy, is NOT ready for a serious relationship because it indicates a pretty major problem. In the case I talked… Read more »
Dude, people in love want to be with each other 24/7. When you’re married you’re virtually tied at the hips…you wake up with the same person, you eat dinner with that person, you have sex with that person, you go to sleep with that person — that person is will be sharing the same space and air that you breathe! If you’re dating someone who lives separately from you and you see them a couple times a week and even this encroaches on your space or independence, then you’re not ready for serious relationship and you’re really hoping to date… Read more »
Well I’ll hop in and say that you’re separation of what men and women want here, Michelle, is a bit stereotypical. I am a woman and I am one of the least-cuddly people I’ve ever met. I’m also not a fan of clingy partners. So there’s that. But as for the idea that ‘clingy’ is just a way for a stereotypical man to find a way out of a committed relationship…well that’s bunk. Spending time with one person and no one else isn’t healthy. In fact, it’s quite the opposite of healthy. If you only spend time with your romantic… Read more »
I can’t help but detect a slight bit of bitterness towards men here?:P I can understand your meaning, I know of people that love to be around each other 24/7 and others that like it a little bit. Humans vary, both genders, some love to be together all the time and some don’t. Me personally, I have hobbies and interests which mean I NEED TIME ALONE or she would need to be interested in that hobby. Recently did some work on a car with a friend, it took a while but it was important to him but he was feeling… Read more »
What gets called “clingy” in women is called “creepy” in men.
I don’t think men in general are affection-phobes. Theres just a line where too much becomes too much. I don’t think its a gendered thing, I’ve seen both men and women do it.
“Any man that dares bring up dissatisfaction in a relationship isn’t ready for a serious one? I truly TRULY hope this is not true because every partner has the right to express their dissatisfaction in a relationship, how else would issues be worked out?” Also I’d like to point to what Archy said and back that up. A relationship isn’t all walks on the beach and sidelong glances. It takes work. It’s two (or more) people all living their lives, and choosing to live those lives together. So when one partner is dissatisfied the _mature_ thing to do is to… Read more »
Are we sure this isn’t just a troll-y poking fun? The “soviet cuddlism” line kind of makes me think this is all in good fun. Otherwise, um, what? If she thinks the word “cuddle” is too weird, then let’s say “close together”. Because when my husband says something like this to me, it makes me feel so loved and reminds me that we actually do need and want each other, and I’m not just being a clingy housewife. And you, being a guy who is willing to admit that? I think you already have the pair that she suggests you… Read more »
I wondered if she was trolling or not, as well.
If not, she doesn’t know what she’s missing. Maybe she needs a good cuddle?
Ayn Rand personality type? Someone that couldn’t get the message from the pink floyd movie “the wall”
I assumed it was either satire or taking the piss… I just couldn’t work out what it was supposed to be satirising or how it was supposed to be funny. It just seems, weirdly aggressive.
Were the bits by Maureen supposed to be ironic? If so I don’t get it.
OMG…this is so hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh!
My husband has an English friend who believes it is his duty to totally rag on everybody and verbally spar with them…it’s like aerobic exercise to him! (Full disclosure: He hated me because I think I would really zing him when we did have to go head to head…or maybe he just didn’t like to be zinged by a woman…I dunno)…
Thanks for having a sense of humor!
Leia she is funny alright. Funny like a bit off IMO. But I can take. Been called far worse in the last oh three months.
Apparently it ‘looks forward to ridiculing her peers on the internet’. So it is a bully.
Tom, just give it a stout reply.
Then ignore it
OMG, she’s hating on you for being an out and proud *cuddler*? If we don’t stand up now, no one is safe from her condemnation: next it will be the cheerful morning people, or those who smile at strangers.
Thankfully Justin I am not all that good in the morning and strangers…okay, I try to be nice.
Well, Tom, the next time someone asks you why “men refuse to share their feelings,” you can now reference this response.
I would like to comment on Maureen’s piece, but her insensible rage at an openly emotional statement made her writing incoherent. I am actually only able to assume she was mocking your piece, Tom, because the random trademarking and and split personalities obscured any points she may have made.
Yeah, I read that and I just became extremely confused. I hate it when people call each other pussy or dick. Those are nice parts of the body and makes me figure she’s got some kind of issue with men who enjoy emotional connection.
Yeah, calling someone a pussy seems like an odd insult. I’m guessing she was delivered by C-section and therefore fails to appreciate the importance of female genitalia in her own existence.