There’s been plenty of debate over Tom’s latest editorials—see here and here—centered on why it’s problematic to vilify smut and its (mostly male) consumers. I’ve been very publicly on board with this argument: I have very few problems with peddling fantasy*, and I don’t believe my shallow amusements (i.e., boobs on a page) reveal deep-seated misogyny or a lack of self-respect.
Men aren’t slaves to images of skin. We know the difference between what’s on the computer screen (or the Photoshopped page) and who’s in our bed. Adults who indulge in mindless self-pleasure (read: everyone) aren’t being made stupider; they know damn well what they’re doing. Case in point: the commenter who admitted he can project on Katy Perry whatever he wants her to be, and he likes it that way. Fantasy, by definition.
Even on YouPorn, there’s a certain integrity in its garish, unapologetically tasteless onslaught of ass. It’s a detour away from the civilized world—exactly as it should be. It’s no insult to men’s intelligence to let us compartmentalize our lives into sex and not sex. We know that fantasy is exactly that: fantasy.
So I’m begging, please, Esquire, stop pretending like it’s not.
No masturbator will argue that his onanism is an intellectual pursuit, a lofty aspiration. No one will seriously say that the Women We Love—none of whom we’ll ever know or love like our partners—are anything but Women We’d Love to Bang.
No one except Esquire. Actually, that’s exactly the lie it’s feeding us: that our shallowest fantasies define our entire character. Only in the lad-mag universe does a guy’s momentary vision of a woman riding a giant banana embody Man at His Best. What’s more, only here is this brand of heteronormative, prepackaged sexuality presented as the only kind.
In a world where the end-all-be-all of the male experience is laying pipe, men, reduced to walking hard-ons, are as disposable as the mags. But we know we’re more than that. We know that men who turn down sex, men who take submissive roles in bed, and men who focus on their partner’s pleasure in addition to (or instead of) their own aren’t wusses or manginas. We know that male victims of sexual abuse are, yes, victims, and saying “man up” isn’t sufficient help.
But sometimes we forget, because in all of the messages men are barraged with, not one of these instincts is confirmed.
*Via Andrew Ladd, here’s a longer discussion about coercion, exploitation, abuse, and ambiguous consent.
—Photo via Images.com
About Cooper Fleishman
I would agree that a man’s interest in porn doesn’t mean he is a misogynist or has no self respect. But I do think on a certain level, he compartmentalizes the respect he has for women. When a man defends sexual media, that man is on a certain level defending the objectification and use of a woman’s body for his own pleasure. And sure, as a man, you can compartmentalize that in your own head. But when you promote that compartmentalization as something that is actually good, you hurt men and women more.
Because men can’t have it both ways. You can’t respect women but enjoy seeing them objectified and degraded. Even if men would like to believe they can. Logically, it just can’t happen. A man might love his mom very much. He might have stuck up for his little sister when some ex boyfriend treated her badly. He might even be a father to a little girl and take her to her Girl Scout meetings. But if you defend a medium that is all about show casing women as empty, soulless, vapid sex dolls; you only respect women by extension of the role they play in your life. (Mothers, daughters, girlfriends..etc etct ) By extension of their connection to you. And that’s not real respect for women. Not for the women in your life, and not for the women not in your life.
While I have NO doubt that men know that the women on screen are fantasy, this does not stop men from not wanting them. Thinking about them. Wishing they could do things with them. It does not stop men from creating a standard in female sexuality and beauty that is false. It doesn’t stop men from asking their real life partners to do things they *learned* from said sexual media. What do you think gets more praise from men? A woman being true to her own sexuality or a woman mimicing the actions and loud moans of a pornstar to be more enticing to her man? How many times do men praise the looks and actions of women in porn by saying things akin to “wow she bleeped like a pornstar”. This kind of manipulative dialogue teaches women that men don’t want women for their true sexuality but for the fantasy sexuality they clearly are turned on by and WISHED was real on some level.
How many men here have asked a partner to do, or dress up like something they saw in a fantasy image? The line between fantasy and reality is not as defined as you claim. While there is no doubt that men logically know an image is fantasy, he still desires that fantasy. If men truly aren’t slaves to images of skin, then why do so many men struggle with this issue? Why is it such a huge business that caters to male desire? If men are not slaves to images of skin, why do they even get turned on by the fantasy if they know it’s not real or possible? If men are not slaves to images of skin, why aren’t more men focusing on making their own relationships better, or putting in the effort to find a real relationship with a real women rather then just hopping online and masturbating? The sad truth is that men currently are slaves to skin images. Which is why it works to dumb down women and show off their clevage if you want to make a man pay attention.
You go as far as to say that Youporn has a certain “integrity” in it’s presentation. This is manipulative consumerism at it’s worst. Where you try to portray and aspect of the industry as responsible in it’s degradation of women just because it doesn’t use love words to describe women. So I guess it’s better to call women “Dirty Teen Sl*ts Bleeped” or “MILF gets spit open” then to at least put on the presentation that men respect women with language like “women we love” .
You finish your article touching on sensitive male issues where men can be abused or mistreated. But you complete ignore how dominate the porn industry is in it’s degradation of the femininine. Why is that?
Hi Erin,
I wish I had time today to give your critique the response it deserves, and I apologize. You might have read Natasha Vargas-Cooper’s Atlantic essay on porn as a Heart of Darkness–style glimpse into the frightening basic impulses of male sexuality. (You seem to be drawing from it here.) You ought to check out Tana Ganeva’s reaction to it on AlterNet. You might find, as I did, that her argument is way better reasoned and researched than my ramblings here.
http://www.alternet.org/sex/149625/the_anti-male,_anti-sex_falsehoods_that_rule_discussions_about_porn_and_sexuality/
Here are some additional thoughts.
First of all, I know the porn industry isn’t all fine and dandy. I don’t care about censoring its content and packaging. But I care immensely about regulating its production—severely unhealthy industry practices, ambiguous consent, lax STD screening, etc.
Regarding misogyny, I don’t think porn is the causal problem—it’s a mirror, not an arbiter, of our culture’s preexisting attitudes about sex. But I seriously disagree with the generalization that porn exacerbates an outdated virgin/whore double standard to the extent that men will disrespect partners whose sexual tastes aren’t vanilla. Some unenlightened men do, of course, but no way does their behavior speak for the majority of us. We all, especially those of us in newer generations, have been raised on sexualized media, and we and our partners have no choice but to negotiate a minefield of mixed messages to come to that beautiful realization of what it is that turns us on. For many people of all genders, porn, in its diversity of kink, expedites that process.
Women’s sexuality is a lot like men’s. Many men and women are discovering that the prescriptive ideals of what they’re supposed to like, or what “normal” sex is, are way, way outmoded. Maybe porn had something to do with that. If so, great.
The idea that women—real women, women we love—turn up the volume in bed or play roles or act out non-vanilla fantasies only to please men reflects the kind of slut-shaming attitude I’d say we’re all trying to evolve from.
Hardcore is not abuse. Nonconsensual sex—of any kind—is. Huge difference.
Porn can be harmful. People can develop addictions to it. I think it can certainly desensitize us to our partners. But do its consumers deserve the benefit of the doubt? Can we be trusted to use it responsibly, like with any powerful mind-altering substance? Can we leave the enlightenment to our educators, and let porn off the hook?
If you’re an example of a ‘real woman’ that men should forsake porn in order to be with, I’ll opt for anything Larry Flynt is peddling any day of the week. I suspect my MILF girlfriend will feel the same way. She watches more porn than I do.
I have no problem with men consuming porn. None at all.
I do have a problem though… there isn’t a single magazine by & for men… that actually extols the virtues of women for anything except their ass. Not a single lad mag or even ‘higher class’ mag has a single article on a woman who has achieved something that has nothing to do with her tits or ass.
In fact… the opposite is true. You will find nearly all portrayals of intrepid, intellectual women who fall short of Megan Fox looks will be negative. Name calling and derision is all there will be.
Contrast this with magazines popular with women… ie. People… which present a much more wide spectrum… men we just wanna sleep with, men we admire, men we respect for their achievements, etc.
This is what the whole objectification thing is. The one-dimensionality in which men tend to view women. Where ‘hotness’ is a necessity and all other characteristics are a ‘bonus.’
I am of two minds. I watch porn, and I enjoy it, but I do have to agree that it makes me a little nervous about how it may prompt men to view women. I am not a man myself, so I can’t actually speak for how it causes men to view the women around them, but it does make me a little uncomfortable because I don’t want to tell men to stop watching porn. That would be hypocritical.
I think it’s also a fair question to ask how porn makes women view men. I know for myself, it give me a little bit of a “men in porn are a sort of sleazy and douche-y” impression that I don’t (or at least I hope I don’t) project onto men in the real world.