In his Saturday feature, “Do Guys Fight For Their Friendships?“, GMP founder Tom Matlack challenges the notion set forth in the New York Times that asserts men, in general, do not engage in emotional conflict with one another. That instead of talking through problems, they just disengage and walk away.
Women, asserts NYT author Ben Schranck, have hard conversations, talk through their problems, and come up with resolutions.
But GMP commenter Laramie White tells his own story of how he and his friends resolve issues… and it’s far from simply walking away:
I have been close friends with 5 men since college , starting in 1975. We have lost 2 of our brothers one in 2003 and one in 2011. The last 3 of us remain close even though we are in different parts of the country now, we talk at least once per month. We also track each other through social media websites.
We never had to fight each other but sometime he had to put the hard facts out on the table when someone from our group was messing up their life. We remained close friends even if hearing the truth was painful for that person. We still supported each other through the good times and bad time. Being there when someone lost their parents or other family members. Seeing our children being born and growing up through the years.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeI thank The Lord for having these other four brothers in my life. Someone to call when needing to talk. Visiting them when I traveled home to visit. Just being able to call them my friends and brother since 1975. Not being afraid to tell them I love ya man for being my friend and brother.
And so we ask all of you, is there a huge divide between the way male friendships grow and resolve problems compared to the ways female friendships do?
Are men truly so hardened as suggested in the NYT?
What traditions do you have with your friends to show your friendship? How do you resolve problems?
Not all men walk away.! I had major conflicts with my girlfriend because she would walk away in the middle of an argument. I found it extremely disrespectful. Later, I found out that she was not good with confrontations because of her upbringing, while I on the other hand grew up with lots of “in your face” confrontation. We had to find a medium because my speaking style was too confrontational for her.
Of course we resolve conflicts differently. The typical male approach is what works best… FOR MEN. The fact that women find it unsatisfying isn’t a surprise, but it doesn’t mean their approach is better.
Sometimes a conflict is petty and there is no rational reason to continue it so a man may decide it is better to accept a disagreement and disengage rather than aggravating a pointless argument into something major. Other times a man may temporarily disengage until he is able to confront the issue without being overly influenced by anger or other strong emotions. When my dad used to get angry he would just leave and take a walk or go get a drink then come back in a little while calmed down and able to work things out rationally. From my… Read more »
Well I fought in school with people I later became friends with…so….maybe? Never heard of women becoming friends after a fight.
Of course, I have the impression that men and women resolve conflicts differently, as a very general rule. It’s certainly something that both women and men comment on a lot, whether the difference really is as big as it appears to be. Let’s say for the sake of argument that women do resolve their friendship conflicts better than men do. (I doubt that’s true, but let’s say that they do for the moment.) One explanation could be that women tend to be much more sensitive about possible conflicts in the first place. In my experience, they may be more obsessive… Read more »
Absolutely they do. However, I believe a large aspect of the conflict stems from an inability to talk about their emotions, let alone identify and explain them. It was always easier for me in relationships to identify a negative feeling and conclude that because I was feeling that negative feeling, I should go away. What a primal, foolish instinct that was. I think the realization that it was possible to have feelings other than “pissed off” or “uncomfortable” leads to a deeper realization of what we require in a relationship and what we need.
Some 6 years ago my father passed away at 52. In the months after his death, one of my best friends from high school had a conflict with my brother. The nature of it seems irrelevant now. I had been caught in the middle. Both of them had said pretty terrible things about each other and I came to understand from my brother how he never liked my friend all through the years I was in high school and college. In the short term, yes, the parties walked away and avoided each other. I did not make an effort to… Read more »