Today’s Open Discussion:
Would you cheat on your partner if you knew you would NEVER get caught?
Why or why not?
Feel free to answer with a pseudonym or as “anonymous”—if you do, give some details about whether you’re a man or a woman and whether you’re in a relationship.
Image of marital infidelity courtesy of Shutterstock
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No. It violates my fundamental principle of trust and honesty.
Several years ago, while in lousy and sexless marriage, a co-worker and I were in pure lust after one another. Well, on Friday night after three or four dates, she invited me back to her condo after dinner. I simply could not bring myself to commit adultery.
My co-worker stopped speaking to me.
No. I just do not want to. There might be a moral thing also, I don’t know because I have never had to think about it. When I fantasize, it is always about my wife. I think she knows, and she finds it disturbing or strange in some way. She has left me clues that she is not happy about it.
Oh wow, it’s kind of comforting to know that I’m not the only one who thinks like that! Although my wife I think sometimes doesn’t believe me. When I convince her though it kind of turns her on!
Wait a moment. You think dirty thoughts about your wife and she doesn’t like it? Are they specific thoughts that she doesn’t like like for instance you’ve told her you fantasized about her doing something that she has said she does not want to do?
It is not that simple. My drive is stronger than hers, and I find it difficult to deal with this unless she is lying next to me. I usually wait until she is asleep. However, it is hard to keep a secret from a spouse (year after year after year, eventually they find out). She has left me some pretty clear clues that she is not happy about it.
Wow Anthony. If I was all my guy fantasized about, I’d be feeling really good. Perhaps probably even more adventurous since it would be creating a positive space for the sex to really be about the two of us exploring together instead of just doing things he wants to do from fantasy based on what he’s seen and been turned on by other women doing. Why doesn’t your wife not like it??
Maybe she’s concerned that you might expect her to act out your fantasies.
Absolutely not. I think if I ever seriously contemplated ‘cheating’ on my boyfriend, I would consider the reasons for me desiring something/ some one else, and probably try to fix whatever I thought was missing. We’ve both poured so much effort and love into creating an incredibly healthy, trusting, monogamous relationship, and even if the truth of my hypothetical affair never surfaced, I could never live comfortably with that shadow of doubt and guilt it would leave.
I’m a 40+ woman who has been married for over 20 years and up until 1-1/2 years ago, I swore I would never cheat and considered those who did to be scumbags. I’m now on the “other” side, the scumbag side. Hoping not to get caught. I do not want to divorce, mostly for the sake of my children.
No, it would be a breach of trust, and a sign that something is wrong that should be discussed with my partner. And besides, if I did such a thing, it would wreck my conscience forever.
not if i loved the person. REALLY loved the person. marriage is a trap (i think), so i think cheating is understandable. my ex cheated on me, but it had been over for years. that was not what ended the marriage, i didn’t blame her. the only issues i had with it was that 1) he wasn’t careful, so the kids knew. and 2) i had been wanting to get a divorce and he kept saying i was the only one for him. (liar!)
Would I get a million dollars like in Indecent Proposal and would it be with Christina Hendricks or Christina Hendricks and Brittney Palmer in a threesome?
Cheating fact #1: the guilt that comes from lying will eat up the relationship.
That being said, it is absurd to expect a single individual to satisfy every single aspect that another person needs. And I’ll wager a slim to none chance that they’ll never be attracted to another person outside of the relationship.
So, sleeping with others outside of the relationship – while being honest with your partner about it – is pretty much the best.
I’ve been on two sides of the cheating triangle – the one cheating, and the one someone was cheating on with. I’ve never been the one cheated on, though, cause I actively encourage my lovers to seek out other partners. (Weirdly enough, none of them have ever taken me up on it. It makes me sad sometimes.)
I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now, had dozens of opportunities, and haven’t considered it for an instant.
I’m not going to act high and mighty about it, and I have no problem with promiscuity in general. I just don’t do it while I’m in a relationship, and I expect the same respect from my partner. Part of the reason is that I’ve been cheated on multiple times in the past and I wouldn’t throw anyone else through the ringer like that, but probably the bigger part is that I don’t have any interest in doing things I’m likely to regret later.
I can’t stand guilt, and I can’t love myself if I can’t respect or at least come to terms with my choices. And for me it WOULD be a choice – alcohol and drugs don’t affect my inhibitions in this regard, and our relationship has clearly defined boundaries so no mental gymnastics would be able to confuse whether it is a betrayal or not.
Eeh that kind of makes it sound like it has to do with the quality of the relationship, but that’s not accurate.
How I perform in relationships, how I act towards others, bears directly on my own self esteem. I take pride in being the best man I can be. So really, it’s more selfish of me to not cheat on my partner than it is to cheat on her. And that would go for any partner I have. The fact that I’ve been cheated on repeatedly and don’t want others to have to go through it is a secondary reason. I’m aware of it, but I’m a basically selfish person at the end of the day, and I just have to trust that my desires for myself also lead to good results for the people around me. I think/hope they do.
I can’t honestly say I never would, because I have. I cheated on my wife several years ago. (I confessed, so it’s no longer a secret.) I tried that whole “not getting caught” thing, and I couldn’t stand living the lie, so I won’t be doing it again even if I could get away with it. Not necessarily because of a moral qualm, but more because I don’t want to live that sort of half-life. I would know, even if no one else does, and besides the guilt I would also feel like I wasn’t being true to myself. If I love someone and/or have a romantic or sexual relationship, I don’t want that to be a secret. Keeping it a total secret feels like I wouldn’t be authentically me. So, for me, I’d rather have a relationship or not have relationship. An affair is a half-measure, sort of a “worst of both worlds” scenario.
No, I wouldn’t have a never-find-out affair, but it’s because of self-interest as much as noble principles.
I have been to one lavish wedding after another…thousands of dollars have been spent…hours of planning have been agonized over….vows were made….So nobody means it when they make those vows?
Nope. I’ve been in a poly marriage for 25 years, so it would be kind of pointless.