Jay Palter insists that society’s attitude to what has traditionally been considered “women’s work” isn’t changing as fast as individuals and the economy are.
Increasingly, dads are choosing to play a primary parenting role in the lives of their kids and families. And they’re doing it for a variety of reasons: emotional, cultural and economic.
But don’t for a minute think that society’s attitude to what has traditionally been considered “women’s work” is changing as fast as individuals and the economy. The recent Salon piece Rise of the Dad Wars examines the social resistance experienced by primary parenting dads.
A new generation of men want to be more involved in raising their kids — shaping who they will become in the world while enjoying the many benefits of child-rearing. Somehow these guys have shaken off the social conditioning that streams them from a very early age into the financial provider role in their families. This is partly a product of observing their own fathers in the hard-working provider role and choosing a different reality for themselves. It’s also partly because our economy is starting to value women’s contributions more and in some cases even favor it. In many families, it just makes good economic sense for mom to work outside the home and for dad to stay home and anchor the family duties.
Families don’t just run themselves, any more children raise themselves. (Wouldn’t it be great, though, if homes cleaned themselves or dishes washed themselves.) If you want a family, and many of us do, it needs to be created, nurtured and supported. Like anything that ever gets done in this world, someone needs to take the lead.
I call that someone the primary parent and it’s traditionally been a woman’s role in most family arrangements. But it doesn’t have to be. In fact, other than gestation, birthing and breast-feeding, there’s little in primary parenting that a man isn’t as capable of doing as a woman. The problem is, men are often not raised for this role and so we do not acquire the required skills, both emotional and practical.
And this is at the root of the antagonism toward men who find themselves in this role. Family traditionalists assume a kind of biological determinism that underlies their gender role biases. And our culture framework for happiness, which is viewed as the inevitable product of professional achievement and financial reward, places massive pressure on men — and increasingly women — to pursue careers at all costs.
Men who pursue their desire to be active, engaged and primary parents are met with social judgements from both sides: from other men/fathers who have not made this choice, as well as from other women/mothers who can be uncomfortable with the incursion on their primary parenting role.
To be sure, there is lots of open-mindedness out there about the new roles dads are playing, but we’ve all got a long way to go to make primary parenting a viable and socially supported choice for more dads.
About Jay Palter
Theproblem is not CULTURE. The probelm is THE LAW.
Men don’t want to “primary parent” because fathers have zero rights in family court.
Couples can choose to live however they want; I don’t care what other people choose to do. However, mothers and fathers are not interchangeable, as if there is no difference between them. I get the sense that these articles are making that argument. If that were the case, men and women would have been created (or evolved, if that’s your belief) more emotionally/hormonally/genetically identical.
What do you think the essential difference is between fathers and mothers?
Also, I like the way you phrased the theory of evolution as a belief, as if it were a cultural tradition without any hard data to back it up
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“What do you think the essential difference is between fathers and mothers?”
There is plenty of research out there that outlines those differences. It’s not that they don’t or can’t do the same things; it’s that they tend to do them differently. For example, they tend to play very differently, and often approach problem solving differently. The divergent approaches are neither inferior nor superior. In fact, they are complementary. That is why children are given one of each, not just one or the other; or two of one and none of the other, for that matter.
“Also, I like the way you phrased the theory of evolution as a belief, as if it were a cultural tradition without any hard data to back it up
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It is a belief. Some people believe it, others don’t. It’s not something that can be tested or even experienced. Not everyone agrees that what some may consider “hard data” is convincing evidence showing that the overall theory can be conclusively accepted as what took place.
Look, I’m not suggesting women and men are identical and without differences — that they don’t do things differently and that families and children don’t benefit from exposure to a variety of types of parenting. But the fact is, everything exists on a spectrum. Dads have a range of parenting styles as do moms. As do gay male parents and lesbian female parents. You can’t judge someone’s ability to perform the primary parenting role just based on their gender or sexual orientation.
My point is that there is no reason except gender role stereotyping and social conditioning that women should assume the primary parenting role in a family. They do it because they are expected to do it or they are not considered “good moms” — even by their own standards which are largely socially formed. And men decline this role because it simply isn’t consistent with many men’s notion of their masculinity — also largely socially formed.
Of course, this is all changing. Just much more slowly than we would like to think.
“You can’t judge someone’s ability to perform the primary parenting role just based on their gender or sexual orientation.”
What? I assume you mean the general YOU, not me personally. First of all, most mothers and fathers both work. So, this is a non-issue from the standpoint of one person staying at home while the other works.
Secondly, where did this term “primary parent” come from? Why must one person be considered primary, relegating the other person to “secondary” status? I find that concept to be demeaning to the “secondary parent.”
For example, I have always worked full time while my wife (mother of my children) either worked part time or not at all – so as to be available to our girls. However, neither of us is the “primary parent.”
Also, I don’t care, what sexual orientation someone is. However, if they intentionally deny a child a mother or a father, they are doing the child a disservice, since I have seen no evidence that either mothers or fathers are dispensable.
“My point is that there is no reason except gender role stereotyping and social conditioning that women should assume the primary parenting role in a family. “
What about biology? What about hormones? What about genetics? As a result of men and women’s biological/hormonal differences, they tend to make different choices. Note I said “tend”, not that each and every person will make identical choices.
There is clear evidence that these differences between men and women influence people’s choices. That evidence are the trends in Scandinavia. Even in Scandinavian countries where they have actually created legislation to force men and women to make identical choices in this area, women and men still tend to make the same choices. Biology and hormones are real and have an impact.
Warning: Observational Bias upcominjg
I have over 50 years old and have known approx 10 men who are primary parents and no once have I heard another man denigrate them or wish them ill will. BUT, I sure have heard many mothers and other women do it. Calling him “Mr Mom” or ask him if he is ‘babysitting’ today. I had one poor soul who had to near SUE the school to get info from them about his sons progress, as they would insist that they would only give that info to the mother, even though they knew their situation.
Also, As anthony indicates above, the LAW hasn’t caught up either and IMHO, that is going to be the hardest nut to crack. There are just too many dollars out there to maintain the status quo.
I totally agree with this observation. All men that I have encountered have been very supportive, but the women and especially the old women were particularly condescending.
I love all these side issues that are arising. Jay, more articles to write?! I want to reiterate Jay’s comment that he never said that mothers and fathers had no differences. I think the key phrase is “biological determinism” and the resulting societal assumptions are the focus of this article. In other words, there is no hard proof that a men or women, as a whole, nurture better. Any of us over a certain age have analogies of good and bad mothers and fathers. Generalizing about human beings is a dangerous game. That applies to gender, as well. Fair to do studies on the differences and ATTEMPT to understand the data points, but none of it is empirical. Open-mindedness and acceptance seem to be needed on all fronts.
Re: John S’s comments about women belittling the men he knows who are primary caretakers. Shame on those women. I do suggest, however, that it’s taken in the same context that a woman finds herself in when working in her respective industry. We all experience people peeing on their home turf as a response to a perceived threat. I doubt this happens in one place more than another.
Re: all the comments about family law, I agree. Until men feel protected in that role, they will always feel vulnerable. Again, however, I’m going to point out that many women often give up their careers to raise children. They take themselves out of an increasingly changing work environment to do so. If they find themselves in a family law scenario, they have to pray that their husbands made/make enough money to get them through the transition period of righting their financial ships. They are completely vulnerable and have been for hundreds (eh, I really don’t know how long) of years.
Thanks, Natalie, for your clarification on my behalf. It’s precisely my point that men, women, gay or straight are all capable of being lead caregivers in a family setting.
And speaking of other articles, I think you’ve touched on one of the really important issues in any relationship where one spouse — male or female — steps away from their career path to take the lead at home: economic vulnerability. Women in domestic roles have had to deal with this for a long time. Frankly, I find it is one of the biggest challenges to accepting the primary parenting role because men’s self-image is often so tied up with their roles as financial providers.
Future article in progress…
These types of relationships are a two street and I think there is a definitely lack of analysis on the female side in accepting a lower wage earner / stay at home dad as a partner.