Let’s get one thing clear from the get go: moms are generally better parents than dads. And that goes double for me. I’ve had three kids across two marriages and I am undoubtedly the weak link. My 17-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son trust their step-mom more than they trust me, which proves that I married well but am still getting the hang of being a dad. Most of us are.
That said, there are a few subtle nuances that I have picked up along the way as a dad that might come in handy for moms raising boys.
Ladies, here are some things to think about with your boys:
- Think caveman. Adult women have thousands of emotional states, as do girls like my daughter. Boys, on the other hand, tend to feel one of three: mad, sad, happy. Don’t project your complex emotional life on your son. His issue of the moment might not be that complicated. He wants to eat, poop, or run. On a really bad day he wants his toy back after some other kid took it from him. He doesn’t want to stare out the window and have lengthy discussions about the meaning of life, as my eight-year-old daughter often did.
- Watch his body not his mouth. Again, like adult men, the clues to how your son is doing will show up first in his body language. Jumping up and down with six-inch vertical leaps is the natural state of being and is good. Slumped shoulders are bad. Yelling is good. Quiet needs attention.
- When in doubt, hug. Boys will often have a much harder time than girls verbalizing their problems. My 5-year-old son will sometimes burst out into tears after seemingly trivial events. I know there is something deeper going on, but I am not going to get it out of him, at least not at that moment (whereas my daughter would not only tell me what went wrong but in no uncertain terms why it was my fault, which was generally true enough). So the solution is physical not verbal. I spend a lot of time just hugging my boys. I usually have no idea why. But as a default cure-all, it seems to work wonders. A minute later they are all patched up and ready to rumble again. This even works pretty well with my 14-year-old, who is a 6-foot-tall linebacker at Boston College High School.
- Yes, it really is all about poop. Girls potty train 6 to 9 months before boys, but once boys make it onto the throne, there is no stopping them. Moving their bowels is pretty much the highlight of their day (true confession: it still is for me, too), and they are going to want to talk about it. Bathroom time is a participatory sport. My five-year-old likes to head to the bathroom just as the family is sitting down to dinner, sometimesduring dinner. It’s the first time he has been still long enough to realize he has to go. And he wants me to come with him, not just to assist in the wipe but to have a leisurely conversation about the status of his poop. As much as I found this inconvenient at first, now I just go with it. Quality time is quality time.
- Batman lives forever. Boys, even at a young age, realize the importance of super powers. They want to be good and believe in the existence of ultimate good in the world. Boys sort out their identities in relation to the mythical characters they hear about. My son is obsessed with Batman. He wears a full costume, even through the airport and down Madison Avenue. What amazes me even more than his dedication to the superhero is how the guard at LaGuardia or the guy hanging off the back of a garbage truck sees him and shouts, “Batman!” My boy nods his head just slightly, acknowledging his public before moving onto the important work at hand, like going to kindergarten.
- Pointless physical activity is perfect. My brother and I once convinced his two sons and my older boy, when they were all around the age of 10, that they really needed to build a structure out of rocks. The rocks were on one side of a beach, but the perfect spot where the structure had to be built, according to our sage advice, was on the other side of the beach. Each stone weighed between ten and thirty pounds. The boys started moving the boulders one by one, working together to lift the heaviest ones. My brother and I set up our beach chairs midway from the rock pile to building site. We read the paper most of the morning while the boys tired themselves out moving rocks and then assembling a tremendous cathedral. By lunch they were tired and happy, and my brother and I had enjoyed a peaceful morning.
- Winning does matter, but less than you think. Boys — perhaps even more than girls — put themselves under extreme pressure to perform in school, in sports, and in social situations. They talk about it less, so the sting of failure can run even more deeply than with girls. With boys it’s important to emphasize the lessons to be gained from failure, instead of trying to win at all costs, and to emphasize the development of the whole boy. Too often in our culture, boys are pushed to become one-dimensional robots. Goodness isn’t about winning at youth soccer or having the most friends or being the smartest kid in class; it’s also about being kind. That’s something as a mom that you can particularly help your son understand.
- Clothes matter. I know there are way more options for dressing little girls than little boys, so the tendency might be to just throw jeans and a t-shirt on your son and forget about it. But you better make sure they are the right jeans and the right t-shirt. The only consistent battle I have had with my sons is over what they wear. It matters way more to them than I ever would have imagined. They want to look cool; they want to be comfortable (pants that are tight but not too tight, warm and yet breathable). I do draw the line with clothes that have already been worn two days in a row, but I don’t discount the importance of fashion to my kindergartener.
- Crowds, not so much. I have noticed that my daughter lights up when she enters a crowd, whether family or strangers. Mass humanity is something that gives her energy. With my boys, and, frankly, for me too, it’s the opposite. They get shy and tend to hide behind my legs. I try to protect them from these situations and not push them beyond their limitations.
- Bedtime is sacred. Because boys are so active, it’s hard to get them to sit still. The best time of day is the ten minutes before they go to sleep. Crawl into bed with them, read books, and hold them while they fall off to sleep. If you don’t believe in God, you will once you have lain next to your overactive son while his body goes limp next to you, and he ever so faintly begins to snore.
If you enjoyed this, you might also like Tom’s new piece: Raising Teenagers For Dummies (Like Me)
About Tom Matlack
I was a stay-at-home parent for two daughters for many years. My wife would leave with relief for her office on Monday mornings, to relax, she said, as a workaholic lawyer unable to be comfortable with all that parenting of small kids requires. That secondary parent stuff at the beginning of this article is appalling. And my daughters – as is often the case – were quite different from one another, so that one was quiet and not happy to be in social situations, while the other was buoyant in them. Kids are individual.
So, because your individual situation and experience was different than the author’s, you felt obliged to be offended by it? Embrace it. Not everyone is different and if I’m not mistaken, this isn’t an article meant to apply to ALL children or families. This is the author’s experience, and if it helps you, GREAT! If it doesn’t, well, no harm no foul.
Not everyone is different? What clone family are you a part of?
I think he’s painting with a very broad brush. This is reductionist writing. Boys can be verbal–some of the best poets and authors are men. Boys definitly have deep feelings, just as much as girls. If no man ever stared out the window contemplating life, we’d have no Plato, Aristotle, Seneca, Confucious, John the Baptist, Rumi, Muhammed. Any individual can be an introvert or extrovert. Everyone likes talking about their bowel movements. These aren’t things connected to the X or Y chromasome. As a woman soon to be married and thinking about starting a family, I was hoping this would be something other than an elaboration on the whole “boys will be boys” stereotype.
I often wonder why people are so opposed to generalizations (until they want to make them, of course). Of course he’s painting with a broad brush, you can’t discuss this kind of topic without doing so. Now, if you disagree his generalizations are correct, then address that, and make your arguments otherwise, as others (including myself) have done. But just whinging that he dared to use generalizations, and that those generalizations aren’t always representative of everyone (duh!)… what’s the point? Everyone understands generalizations have exceptions (unless they wish to take offense, then they often play stupid and think a generalization is some kind of absolute, until, again, they want to use them).
I think the point of the comment the previous person meant or at least I see as being a problem is that, this dad had identified obvious differences between males and females, but he failed to mention the introvert vs. extrovert which has a lot to do with crowds and expressing feelings. As an introvert I do not “light up” when put into a room full of people and the same goes for both of my daughters. My husband on the other hand is an extrovert and he has quite a few male friends that are as well. I think generalizations can be great but some of the ones he is describing he has characterized as feminine/masculine when really it is a generalization between introvert/extrovert. He is just using the wrong generalization scale in some of his examples.
I might take exception about the generalizations, but maybe the better approach is to think of this as a list of “ways your son (or daughter) might be different than you think”. If it helps somebody think outside the box with regards to the child, so much the better.
Much of this list fits my 5-year-old daughter really well, I must say. Maybe the more urgent need is to warn parents that “yes, some kindergarten girls love to talk about poop too.”
Thank you for pointing out that these differences seem more individual than gender based. Isn’t the point to allow boys to be who they are emotionally? My 5 year son loves to look out the window and talk about life for HOURS if I can manage to stomach it. In addition, my husband is typically more emotionally complex than I am – as I tend towards:here is the problem – here is how I fix it rather than how it made me feel.
=Wonderful, insightful and casual. Enjoyed your common sense approach, it is because you are so open to understanding them and have not let your ego get in the way that makes you pretty smart. Enjoyed and appreciated.
As the mother of a grown daughter & son I have to say I loved this advice to Mom s it made me cry with happy memories because it is spot on! By the way you re wrong you re a GREAT Dad no one with that much insight could be less than great!
I loved this blog. Casual, fun and honest. I am a mother of three boys under the age of 6, and you are correct, pooping is their life. Love that this is a note for moms from a man’s perspective. To “Rick” I think you’ve stayed home for too long, this article wasn’t meant for you anyway.
While I would agree with some of the previous comments arguing that there is a degree of overgeneralization here (as is normal and natural in a piece like this), and that all kids are of course different, I do think that most of this is a reasonable and accurate appraisal of how boys view the world.
I would also argue that mothers and fathers interact with their kids differently, which in part informs how boys then interact with the world around them.
For more on the topic of boys and fatherhood, see http://fieldnotesfromfatherhood.com/2012/07/30/who-loves-ya-baby-the-ins-outs-ups-and-downs-of-paternal-love/
Funny, but my husband is pretty much the opposite of all of this, but it could describe my second daughter dead on. Some of them describe my first and third daughters, too. Parenting really isn’t as gendered as people seem to think.
Yes, there are some things that are very gender specific, or do follow patterns, and that (often, but not always) includes the roles as parents.
Still, written with a lovely dose of humor
Thank you! Nicely written.
Momento con los ninos
The emotional perspective here is really missing something. It is really shallow. To write boys off as unable to learn to express their emotions, “just give them a hug” is such a sad way to parent. We need to teach our boys to express their emotions, no matter what they are. Sometimes they aren’t “complicated emotions” but learning to express themselves is so important. It is a gift that will travel with them forever…stronger friendships, more fulfilling careers, more meaningful marriages, better parents to their own children. Expressing emotions is not “only for girls” and we are missing a true opportunity at great parenting if we think so.
3 boys – all super active, athletic, social and wonderfully charming. 2 with ADHD. They are risk-takers, love the adreline rush, and think it’s hilarious when I’m terrified (of course, then they are all just love and kisses afterwards for scaring me). Frankly, if it hadn’t been for my husband calming me and watching over their antics, I’ve have them in a bubble. I thank God for him and for dads like you who help us moms to understand the glory and joy that is in raising boys. I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. Your article is perfect.
This is great advice! I have three sisters and two daughters, and when my son was born my first thought was “what do I do with him?” This guide is a wonderful read for all mothers of sons.
Based on my experience, boys are very different from girls. I didn’t direct my kids in any one direction,but the girls love dolls and quiet craft projects, and my son loves cars, throwing toys and wrestling with his sisters (who, by the way, HATE wrestling).
As a single mom. And I mean single as I adopted a boy while single. I thank you so much for this.
great piece!! very well written! very much describes our boy / girl split …. i actually took a course when my son was about 4 called “bringing up boys” which helped to bright to light the differences btwn boys and girls … school makes us all out to be the same and the reality is boys are VERY different from girls!
Nice article. I got really emotional when I was reading pooping part. That is my son who goes number two during dinner and points at the tub for me to have a seat and tells me to look the other way while he is “pushing” LOL!! As a first time parent, I thought that he is just being way too clingy but then one day, I realized that I will miss our daily bathroom conversations!
I think it is harmful to focus so much on gender differences while raising a child. Stereotypes are often exaggerated because of a tendency and desire to comparmentalise behavior. It makes us feel intelligent and gives us a sense of control amidst the flux of life. Boys and girls are both human and have a lot in common yet uninformed articles like this one focus on gender difference and pay no attention to cultural influences. From infancy my son and daughter were treated differently by others. When my son made a fist it was because he was going to be a tough guy someday. When my daughter would grasp at my wife’s earrings it was perceived that it was that she liked pretty things. Even the tone of voice that people used when communicating to my children was different based on which child they were talking to. I also felt my temdancy to do the same thing because of my cultural preconceptions. I am not claiming that there is absolutely no difference between boys and girls. What I am saying is that exaggerating these differences limits the development in children as their complex and unique personalities are pidgin-holed into two very restrictive categories.