Let’s get one thing clear from the get go: moms are generally better parents than dads. And that goes double for me. I’ve had three kids across two marriages and I am undoubtedly the weak link. My 17-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son trust their step-mom more than they trust me, which proves that I married well but am still getting the hang of being a dad. Most of us are.
That said, there are a few subtle nuances that I have picked up along the way as a dad that might come in handy for moms raising boys.
Ladies, here are some things to think about with your boys:
- Think caveman. Adult women have thousands of emotional states, as do girls like my daughter. Boys, on the other hand, tend to feel one of three: mad, sad, happy. Don’t project your complex emotional life on your son. His issue of the moment might not be that complicated. He wants to eat, poop, or run. On a really bad day he wants his toy back after some other kid took it from him. He doesn’t want to stare out the window and have lengthy discussions about the meaning of life, as my eight-year-old daughter often did.
- Watch his body not his mouth. Again, like adult men, the clues to how your son is doing will show up first in his body language. Jumping up and down with six-inch vertical leaps is the natural state of being and is good. Slumped shoulders are bad. Yelling is good. Quiet needs attention.
- When in doubt, hug. Boys will often have a much harder time than girls verbalizing their problems. My 5-year-old son will sometimes burst out into tears after seemingly trivial events. I know there is something deeper going on, but I am not going to get it out of him, at least not at that moment (whereas my daughter would not only tell me what went wrong but in no uncertain terms why it was my fault, which was generally true enough). So the solution is physical not verbal. I spend a lot of time just hugging my boys. I usually have no idea why. But as a default cure-all, it seems to work wonders. A minute later they are all patched up and ready to rumble again. This even works pretty well with my 14-year-old, who is a 6-foot-tall linebacker at Boston College High School.
- Yes, it really is all about poop. Girls potty train 6 to 9 months before boys, but once boys make it onto the throne, there is no stopping them. Moving their bowels is pretty much the highlight of their day (true confession: it still is for me, too), and they are going to want to talk about it. Bathroom time is a participatory sport. My five-year-old likes to head to the bathroom just as the family is sitting down to dinner, sometimesduring dinner. It’s the first time he has been still long enough to realize he has to go. And he wants me to come with him, not just to assist in the wipe but to have a leisurely conversation about the status of his poop. As much as I found this inconvenient at first, now I just go with it. Quality time is quality time.
- Batman lives forever. Boys, even at a young age, realize the importance of super powers. They want to be good and believe in the existence of ultimate good in the world. Boys sort out their identities in relation to the mythical characters they hear about. My son is obsessed with Batman. He wears a full costume, even through the airport and down Madison Avenue. What amazes me even more than his dedication to the superhero is how the guard at LaGuardia or the guy hanging off the back of a garbage truck sees him and shouts, “Batman!” My boy nods his head just slightly, acknowledging his public before moving onto the important work at hand, like going to kindergarten.
- Pointless physical activity is perfect. My brother and I once convinced his two sons and my older boy, when they were all around the age of 10, that they really needed to build a structure out of rocks. The rocks were on one side of a beach, but the perfect spot where the structure had to be built, according to our sage advice, was on the other side of the beach. Each stone weighed between ten and thirty pounds. The boys started moving the boulders one by one, working together to lift the heaviest ones. My brother and I set up our beach chairs midway from the rock pile to building site. We read the paper most of the morning while the boys tired themselves out moving rocks and then assembling a tremendous cathedral. By lunch they were tired and happy, and my brother and I had enjoyed a peaceful morning.
- Winning does matter, but less than you think. Boys — perhaps even more than girls — put themselves under extreme pressure to perform in school, in sports, and in social situations. They talk about it less, so the sting of failure can run even more deeply than with girls. With boys it’s important to emphasize the lessons to be gained from failure, instead of trying to win at all costs, and to emphasize the development of the whole boy. Too often in our culture, boys are pushed to become one-dimensional robots. Goodness isn’t about winning at youth soccer or having the most friends or being the smartest kid in class; it’s also about being kind. That’s something as a mom that you can particularly help your son understand.
- Clothes matter. I know there are way more options for dressing little girls than little boys, so the tendency might be to just throw jeans and a t-shirt on your son and forget about it. But you better make sure they are the right jeans and the right t-shirt. The only consistent battle I have had with my sons is over what they wear. It matters way more to them than I ever would have imagined. They want to look cool; they want to be comfortable (pants that are tight but not too tight, warm and yet breathable). I do draw the line with clothes that have already been worn two days in a row, but I don’t discount the importance of fashion to my kindergartener.
- Crowds, not so much. I have noticed that my daughter lights up when she enters a crowd, whether family or strangers. Mass humanity is something that gives her energy. With my boys, and, frankly, for me too, it’s the opposite. They get shy and tend to hide behind my legs. I try to protect them from these situations and not push them beyond their limitations.
- Bedtime is sacred. Because boys are so active, it’s hard to get them to sit still. The best time of day is the ten minutes before they go to sleep. Crawl into bed with them, read books, and hold them while they fall off to sleep. If you don’t believe in God, you will once you have lain next to your overactive son while his body goes limp next to you, and he ever so faintly begins to snore.
If you enjoyed this, you might also like Tom’s new piece: Raising Teenagers For Dummies (Like Me)
About Tom Matlack
People take a chill pill… So what if he is not describing your boy , he is describing alot of them. So yours is more sensitive, yours is a bigger social bug, well then you have a special boy and not the run of the mill boy. Relax. Its like some people take things so personal. I agree with this man, boys in the most part are exactly how he describes them and it was great advice. Dont worry crowd this is a man dominated society you have the better sex child, your one step ahead already. Jeezzzz.
What harm could considering that your son might actually be emotionally equal to to girls his age possibly cause? Stereotypes are more damaging than personal attacks, and more unjust. Saying boys aren’t capable of the emotional range of adults and girls isn’t a small thing, it’s dehumanizing, and anyone who would encourage people to believe that about their children isn’t someone I would trust any parenting advice from.
They aren’t really stereotypes if they are backed up by science and pediatricians’ studies.
Agreed. The article speaks to some generalities (does anyone really want to read an opinion editorial filled with caveats and footnotes?) but his statements are backed by studies. Yes, boys have strong and deep emotions. As a mom of a older daughter and younger son, I have watched my boy process those emotions differently. And he does talk to me about his feelings and can be very eloquent, but that is not his first inclination. It’s generally happy, mad, sad.
There is a big difference between processing emotions differently and being “caveman”, or incapable of deep thoughts. That section was written in an insulting way, it is a harmful generality.
WoW… I really do not understand. I do not think that Tom Matlack is a DR or anything… He wrote this article based on his own experience… Now like many comments…not all boys fall under what he has written. Gee’s you should be taking everything with a grain of salt (the news and everything you read on the internet) Enjoy the reading and take it as a mans point of view about HIS sons. I do not think he was preaching for all to follow…
He phrased it as advice, he obviously was not just talking about his children. It was not about something trivial, it stated that boys have limited emotional states and don’t think as deeply as girls. Having this expectation for your son could cause large amounts of damage, and as I said earlier it triggered painful memories for me.
I am not sure what has happened to you and I hope that you are dealing with it and I am sorry. But lets face it boys ( that grow up to be man) are completely different to girls (woman) when it comes to emotions … now… saying that there is a small %% of man who are in tune with them .. .but they are far in between. I am going by my son…I am a very emotional person and I am with him … we talk about it a lot … and I think that has shown him that it is ok for him to be more open to his emotions. He has a heart of gold for a 7 year old and he is not afraid to show his emotions at all.. I tell him there is nothing wrong and to be who he is but I dont have expectations for him when it comes to it. As for the thinking deeply… I could write a long thing on that as well… but again i do have to agree with him… and they two are tied in together…..But I am sure you have to take into account that maybe your situation is not the norm… and maybe that is why you find his this article to be completely out there. You might think different if you did not have the bad memories. Like I said I hope that you are OK now and hope the best for you…
Why is it one can never make a point about how something is unfair to boys, a strong point, without the one you’re making the point to asserting that you have somehow been hurt or had something traumatic to you, and then fain sympathy for that projected event?
Because he said it “triggered memories” for him. Better to have an empathetic post than some of the calous replies I’ve seen.
I smiled through this entire article. Especially the part about hugs. My son does talk (and talk and talk) but big emotions can be hard. Hugging is a vital 1st step. And bedtime is still sacred with him. Even if he doesn’t want me to read to him anymore, I’m expected to snuggle in bed with him while he reads to himself. When I feel myself getting antsy, I remember that these sweet times won’t last forever. My tween daughter hardly even curls up in bed with me anymore. Thanks for the article and the reminders.
I am a single mother with a 7 year old boy and reading this made me smile and happy to know that I am doing well. Hearing this from a man I kind of feel reassured. I just wish my ex would read this and see how he could improve his relationship with his son by doing some of the things in the article.
Very nice but why bring God into it? Telling me that I’ll believe in God once I’ve seen my overactive son drop off to sleep is a bit patronizing. I watch him drop off every night and I still don’t believe in God. This has nothing to do with being a good mom or not. Apart from that blunder, I agree with most of what you said.
THANK YOU – this is not a story of – every male child is like this – but a story of – this is my Dad experience with boys and I hope it helps you and IT DID! My 6 y/o has the worst time with my lengthy lectures. Thanks for kindly telling me to cut it out! I COMMIT to replacing the lecture with a hug – whenever possible. ! thank you, thank you, thank you! I will also tell him later who he can thank for when Mom stopped with the lectures. ~a
I’m sorry, but I really take issue with the first sentence in this article. That women are hands down better parents than men. As an African American male, my father’s presence and parenting were absolutely critical for me in my development. If it wasn’t for him I probably would have been a teen father, abused drugs, landed in jail, or done something pretty violent. I don’t like to invite comparison on “who is better at parenting”. I think men’s roles are just as vital and in some cases today especially even more vital than women’s roles in parenting. So many absent fathers really has a toll on boys. My father was the bulwark for me in my teens. He was an excellent parent. My mother definitely was no slouch either, but if I had to draw better at parenting my dad definitely edged out my mother. I’ve also talked to many of my friends and a good many of them are also African American and Hispanic and they’ve said the same thing. Boys in these groups are at risk. For those of my friends that had a father his parenting skills put them where they are today, doctors, lawyers, professors, engineers, and scientist. There mother’s parenting skills did as well, but this it is not a uniform answer whatsoever that their mother was better at parenting. My dad really provided me a place for areas my mom was uncomfortable with when it came to things like sex and sexuality. He had a no bullshit policy and that helped me so much. I’m actually tearing up writing this. I love my mom and she’s helped to, she furthered my love of literature and reading in general, taught me how to cook (not because she’s a woman but because she believed an adult should be able to do that on their own), but my dad definitely edged her out. He was not patient all the time, but when I really had a problem he calmed the hell down and listened. A lot of my friends say the exact same thing when they talk about their fathers. That’s just one generalization that kind of hurts man.
He never once said that the father is not an important presence in the child’s life. He was simply stating his opinion that women are usually better parents, possibly because there are generally more stay-at-home moms than there are dads. Moms have a special intuition; maybe not better than fathers, but different. You can tell from his article that he firmly believes that each family should have a father and mother in the home, as each plays a different role and adds something important to the children’s lives. For you to get offended over such a passive comment doesn’t really make any sense. He wasn’t belittling the role of father’s in the home AT ALL.
Sorry, but just because there are more stay at home moms doesn’t mean they are better parents. My father was a better parent than my mom and she was a stay at home mom. I am also a much better parent to my son than his mom. He is diminishing the role and expectations of the father by saying moms are the better parents. I know many fathers that are much better parents than the moms. It’s a statement that should not have been made and I’m sure women would take offense if he had stated that men were the better parents or better teachers or what have you when there is no proof of that.
also, if we don’t value father’s parenting skills and father’s in general we’re going to have a hell of a time convincing men to stay around to be fathers.
sorry, for the bad grammar, but i typed this quickly on a break at work.
I have to say I truly loved the part about GOD, that you wrote in your article. It brought a huge smile to my face because I remember the exact feeling of being truly blessed and loved the fact that God trusted me enough to the Mom.
I love this so much. I have three boys and this post is spot ON. When I can find a pointless physical activity to wear out my sons and my brothers’ boys (total of 8 boys), I actually get an adrenaline rush, because I know I will have a relaxing day. I watched them build retaining ponds, dams, moats, and castles in the sand for 9 hours straight at the beach one day. I
love love your blog!!! single mother here!! looking for all tje advice n help!!!! <3
I really enjoyed reading through this! I have two sons, 3 and 5, and two older stepsons, 12 and 14- I thought this was really all around, good advice and very well written! I’m anxious to look into your book more now
Single mom of 16 year old boy here: Agree with the author’s perspective. That rock thing must be a universal 8 – 10 year boy thing. During a vacation trip to the Pacific coast, my son and I were on our way to Legoland (at this age Legos were the center of his existence). The way this trip was structured, I had to see the coast line at least once per day–on our way to a planned list of activities or on our way back to the hotel. We stopped at this secluded beach (hard to find in Southern California) to watch the surfers. My son discovered a treasure-trove of “interesting rocks”. He proceeded to built this canal to the ocean lined with a variety of rock-structures while I sat watching to surfers, taking in the sun and basically relaxing–our only break was to get lunch at a local bistro. Didn’t make it to Legoland that day but it was possibly the most memorable day of the entire vacation. Boys are simple in their complexities and as mothers/parents, some times the best move is to let them be while being there when they need us.
“moms are generally better parents than dads” So stereotypes are ok, as long as they put men down and not women? Any man who who has such an obvious self-esteem deficit has nothing of interest to say to me.
I don’t usually post comments, but felt the need in this instance.
I am both a new mom and a new wife. And this article gave some great insight both to my husband and son.
Thank you so much! I feel like sometimes we get so caught up in proving we are good parents
We forget our real duty. To love and enjoy our children and teach them to be whole
Adults. Thank you again for words of wisdom.
It is amazing, interesting, and gratifying (to me) how much this describes my three year old DAUGHTER!
I learned alot from this. Thank you
Unless your first wife is dead, I take issue (on behalf of your 17-year-old daughter) with your last sentence, about your wife being the love of your life. You are insulting the mother of your first two children and if you were a good man, you’d be more sensitive to that fact.
I absolutely love this article. Cant believe people take it to the heart if it doesnt describe their children exactly. They must have forgotten that everyone is different. As for his current wife being the love of his life thats great. Things didnt work out between him and his first wife maybe they were too young or rushed into thing nobody knows the situation. Its not like he’s trashing his first wife either so does it even matter. People really need some “chill” pills.
This has probably all been said before in older comments, but I wanted to express what I think of this.
I get how people love hearing this sort of thing. And I see why one would “smile through the whole thing” and all that. It’s cute, it appeals to the mother, it reinforces gender stereotypes we know and love.
This guy claims to be a bad parent, then generalizes his own incompetence to his entire gender. And then he proceeds to give others parenting advice. But, you know, whatever. It makes the moms happy to be reassured (by a man) that their men are indeed the inferior parents. Let them be happy.
I’m really bothered by the generalizations on the children. I know this is not intended to be applied to every boy, but having been a boy myself and majored in psychology I can tell you that boys do indeed feel the same emotions as girls, and there are no studies of which people seem to be speaking that prove otherwise.
What studies do prove, however, is that boys lack the ability to express their emotions. This is due to the area of the brain that processes emotion being in a completely different area than the area that processes language, while girls process both in the same area.
Reinforcing stereotypes that have already been perpetuated, in part, by this inability to express emotions, which at times can be unbelievably frustrating for the child, is nothing but harmful to the development of male children. The fact that people I read about in other comments had to reassure their boys that it’s okay to express their emotions once in a while is almost heartbreaking. Boys have the same emotions as girls, and if they are neglected, they are just as hurt. Don’t follow this article’s generalizations; follow your parental instinct. Every child is different.
We are raising five boys (our oldest one is in the navy and has moved out of our home) and I have to say that everything you mention is spot on!
The only time i get a good conversation out of our boys is when we are driving in the car – they actually have to sit still and they dont have to make eye contact so they seem to share more.
We love taking our boys to the beach – its the only place where they do seem to get rid of their energy the most and help them to sleep at night.
With regards to screaming…..what is with that? We have a 13 year old and I swear the only way he talks is through yelling – drives me nuts sometimes