Let’s get one thing clear from the get go: moms are generally better parents than dads. And that goes double for me. I’ve had three kids across two marriages and I am undoubtedly the weak link. My 17-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son trust their step-mom more than they trust me, which proves that I married well but am still getting the hang of being a dad. Most of us are.
That said, there are a few subtle nuances that I have picked up along the way as a dad that might come in handy for moms raising boys.
Ladies, here are some things to think about with your boys:
- Think caveman. Adult women have thousands of emotional states, as do girls like my daughter. Boys, on the other hand, tend to feel one of three: mad, sad, happy. Don’t project your complex emotional life on your son. His issue of the moment might not be that complicated. He wants to eat, poop, or run. On a really bad day he wants his toy back after some other kid took it from him. He doesn’t want to stare out the window and have lengthy discussions about the meaning of life, as my eight-year-old daughter often did.
- Watch his body not his mouth. Again, like adult men, the clues to how your son is doing will show up first in his body language. Jumping up and down with six-inch vertical leaps is the natural state of being and is good. Slumped shoulders are bad. Yelling is good. Quiet needs attention.
- When in doubt, hug. Boys will often have a much harder time than girls verbalizing their problems. My 5-year-old son will sometimes burst out into tears after seemingly trivial events. I know there is something deeper going on, but I am not going to get it out of him, at least not at that moment (whereas my daughter would not only tell me what went wrong but in no uncertain terms why it was my fault, which was generally true enough). So the solution is physical not verbal. I spend a lot of time just hugging my boys. I usually have no idea why. But as a default cure-all, it seems to work wonders. A minute later they are all patched up and ready to rumble again. This even works pretty well with my 14-year-old, who is a 6-foot-tall linebacker at Boston College High School.
- Yes, it really is all about poop. Girls potty train 6 to 9 months before boys, but once boys make it onto the throne, there is no stopping them. Moving their bowels is pretty much the highlight of their day (true confession: it still is for me, too), and they are going to want to talk about it. Bathroom time is a participatory sport. My five-year-old likes to head to the bathroom just as the family is sitting down to dinner, sometimesduring dinner. It’s the first time he has been still long enough to realize he has to go. And he wants me to come with him, not just to assist in the wipe but to have a leisurely conversation about the status of his poop. As much as I found this inconvenient at first, now I just go with it. Quality time is quality time.
- Batman lives forever. Boys, even at a young age, realize the importance of super powers. They want to be good and believe in the existence of ultimate good in the world. Boys sort out their identities in relation to the mythical characters they hear about. My son is obsessed with Batman. He wears a full costume, even through the airport and down Madison Avenue. What amazes me even more than his dedication to the superhero is how the guard at LaGuardia or the guy hanging off the back of a garbage truck sees him and shouts, “Batman!” My boy nods his head just slightly, acknowledging his public before moving onto the important work at hand, like going to kindergarten.
- Pointless physical activity is perfect. My brother and I once convinced his two sons and my older boy, when they were all around the age of 10, that they really needed to build a structure out of rocks. The rocks were on one side of a beach, but the perfect spot where the structure had to be built, according to our sage advice, was on the other side of the beach. Each stone weighed between ten and thirty pounds. The boys started moving the boulders one by one, working together to lift the heaviest ones. My brother and I set up our beach chairs midway from the rock pile to building site. We read the paper most of the morning while the boys tired themselves out moving rocks and then assembling a tremendous cathedral. By lunch they were tired and happy, and my brother and I had enjoyed a peaceful morning.
- Winning does matter, but less than you think. Boys — perhaps even more than girls — put themselves under extreme pressure to perform in school, in sports, and in social situations. They talk about it less, so the sting of failure can run even more deeply than with girls. With boys it’s important to emphasize the lessons to be gained from failure, instead of trying to win at all costs, and to emphasize the development of the whole boy. Too often in our culture, boys are pushed to become one-dimensional robots. Goodness isn’t about winning at youth soccer or having the most friends or being the smartest kid in class; it’s also about being kind. That’s something as a mom that you can particularly help your son understand.
- Clothes matter. I know there are way more options for dressing little girls than little boys, so the tendency might be to just throw jeans and a t-shirt on your son and forget about it. But you better make sure they are the right jeans and the right t-shirt. The only consistent battle I have had with my sons is over what they wear. It matters way more to them than I ever would have imagined. They want to look cool; they want to be comfortable (pants that are tight but not too tight, warm and yet breathable). I do draw the line with clothes that have already been worn two days in a row, but I don’t discount the importance of fashion to my kindergartener.
- Crowds, not so much. I have noticed that my daughter lights up when she enters a crowd, whether family or strangers. Mass humanity is something that gives her energy. With my boys, and, frankly, for me too, it’s the opposite. They get shy and tend to hide behind my legs. I try to protect them from these situations and not push them beyond their limitations.
- Bedtime is sacred. Because boys are so active, it’s hard to get them to sit still. The best time of day is the ten minutes before they go to sleep. Crawl into bed with them, read books, and hold them while they fall off to sleep. If you don’t believe in God, you will once you have lain next to your overactive son while his body goes limp next to you, and he ever so faintly begins to snore.
If you enjoyed this, you might also like Tom’s new piece: Raising Teenagers For Dummies (Like Me)
About Tom Matlack
I find that this article is disrespectful towards both boys and men. I’m a caring bloke and believe that being a man does not make you inherently make you worse at raising children, just as being a female does not automatically make you a better parent. Equality – that is the discourse of feminism, is it not?
I agree. The very premise of the articular is wrong. It is a funny and interesting piece, but the basic idea “mothers are better than fathers” is just complete rubbish, and anyone who things that there partner is a better parent than them either needs to look deeply at what they are doing, or at how they view themselves and there self confidence.
So much on the Internet and life tells men how rubbish they are and how mothers are heros and fathers are little more than a wage earning child for the mother to look after. Lets not have this here of all places.
OMG guys. He is just placating us ladies and our egos. You know you are good Dad’s, and you don’t need an internet article to tell you that. I personally really appreciated the advice. My little boy is the light of my life, but can really challenge me. I’ve shared this article with several of my mom friends, and NONE of us think the article is about how women are better than men. Not even close. We’re just grateful someone loves our boys as much as we do, to help us do our best with them.
Are you suggesting women DO need and internet article placating you and your ego’s? And on a men’s site no less? The point is, it is pandering to women at the expense of men (and if you’re seriously going to challenge me that the idea men are inferior parents isn’t at the expense of men, you better come well prepared), and we get enough of that in the general “men’s world” public, so it isn’t appreciated in areas we thought were male positive. If you can’t see why that would bother some men (and women), or choose to dismiss men’s experiences because stroking your ego is more important, then, well, make sure to tell your son you feel that way too. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.
I agree with you Mark – the ego stroking for women is completely unnecessary and potentially harmful. It’s just feeding a sexist stereotype and women, men, and everyone else don’t need to read that here or anywhere else. The article had some great tips, but I think it would have come across much better had they been framed as tips from fathers to mothers because we all need tips and there is a large gradation in parenting ability.
I know I’m late, but I’m a guy and I totally agree with you. It’s incredibly frustrating the way people will take offence at the tiniest perceived slight. I happen to disagree with a few of the author’s claims, but taking offence at his “favoritism” towards Mums is just childish. He was plainly just trying to soften the blow for female readers before throwing a bunch of unsolicited (and therefore potentially annoying) advice at them. (Presumably if he had omitted that first sentence about women being better parents, he would have been harangued by people just as offended that he had dared to “tell women what to do”.)
Are you seriously suggesting a woman/mother isn’t capable of being offered advice from a dad without first being placated? That if any opinion is offered to a woman/mother about parenthood without first stroking their ego’s without taking offense? And even if this were true (and it’s a pretty low opinion of women to believe that), there is a distinct difference taking offense at being called inferior because of your sex, and taking offense because someone of the wrong sex dared to offer their opinion.
“throwing a bunch of unsolicited (and therefore potentially annoying) advice at them.”
It it is “potentially annoying” to get a man’s opinion, then the reader is on the wrong site.
But I suppose you’re one of those guys who has become used to self flagellation and prostrating yourself to avoid discomforting women in any manner.
No. I’m seriously suggesting that a *person* (man or woman) is more receptive to advice when they perceive that it’s being delivered respectfully, and that attempts to be respectful to the “other team” in this way, such as the author’s self-deprecating opening sentence, are to be welcomed, not derided.
Sure, a reader should not expect to encounter only opinions that make them feel warm and fuzzy on this or any site. But why make the pill harder to swallow than necessary?
You see “prostration” when all I’m suggesting that we offer women (and expect from them) is goodwill. I have many disagreements with feminism, not least the unnecessarily whiny and confrontational tone that permeates so many feminist sites/blogs. I would prefer not to see that here. But I suppose you’re one of those guys who believes that every sentence that does not reinforce the Men-Are-Awesome party line heralds the imminent downfall of mankind.
I’m curious, given this is a men’s site, and presumably this article would seek to be delivered to both sexes, in order to spawn additional conversation on the topic, how is undermining men’s parenting skills going to 1: show respect, 2: allow men to participate without their opinions being easily dismissed as inferior to women’s with regards to parenting? If his assertion was SELF-deprecating, there would be no issues here, but it wasn’t, it was a broad sweeping statement of men and women in general. You may not have an issue with being called inferior, but many fathers here did, and you don’t seem to think that matters, that feeling slighted like that, even though delivering a message respectfully (to women) is important, is somehow incredibly frustrating to you.
Why is it you feel it’s OK to slight one sex to make the other feel respected? Could respect not be shown without undermining the other? Unless you’re suggesting the only way a woman can be shown respect is by undermining men, your second paragraph has no relevance.
Again, I ask how undermining men and fathers demonstrates goodwill towards women, unless that is the only means in which women can be made to feel respected?
“But I suppose you’re one of those guys who believes that every sentence that does not reinforce the Men-Are-Awesome party line heralds the imminent downfall of mankind.”
False correlation. Saying “don’t insult me to ingratiate yourself to women” is not the same as “reinforce my Men-Are-Awesome party line”. We don’t require being flattered with every sentence, let alone doing so at women’s expense. We just expect the same in return, not being used to flatter women at our expense. It really does baffle me why this simple expectation, on a men’s site, can upset people so much. Especially when the disrespect is so prominent everywhere you look.
“undermining men’s parenting skills”, “[men's] opinions being easily dismissed as inferior”, “If his assertion was SELF-deprecating, there would be no issues here, but it wasn’t”: Sure, the author’s opening sentence was technically “undermining”. It might have caused a few molecules of underminium to briefly lean in the direction of masculinity. I complained because I consider the *extent* of the undermining to be infinitesimal, and I therefore find objections to it to be petty. Especially since the author’s intentions are obviously good. He’s on our “side”, trying to communicate with people who aren’t (necessarily), and that’s always difficult. Maybe a more perfectly inoffensive opening sentence was possible, but I can’t bring myself to get upset over such a minor thing. It’s dignified to overlook small transgressions.
“Unless you’re suggesting the only way a woman can be shown respect is by undermining men, your second paragraph has no relevance.” That does not follow logically. All it takes for my second paragraph to be logical and relevant is for undermining men to be merely one of several possible ways to show respect to women. Of course, the bigger issue is that you continue to imply that an amount of undermining deserving of serious attention has taken place here, while I don’t think it has.
“You may not have an issue with being called inferior, but many fathers here did, and you don’t seem to think that matters, that feeling slighted like that, even though delivering a message respectfully (to women) is important, is somehow incredibly frustrating to you.” I’m not sure exactly what happened with the end of that sentence, but if you’re accusing me of being prepared to tolerate tiny amounts of unfavourable judgement in the interests of bringing more women around to thinking that perhaps men have something useful to say about parenting, then yes I’m guilty as charged. You are of course welcome to feel that a great injustice has been done, and to say as much, but I maintain that I’m equally entitled to feel and to say that that’s an overreaction.
Paragraph1: The authors statement alone wasn’t an issue all by itself, it is the fact that that belief permeates society, and perpetuating it, particularly by the founder of a “good men’s” magazine, is not a good thing. But the primary reason this is getting peoples hackles up (mine in particular, at least) isn’t the statement itself, but the shear number of people who want to try and shame men (and women) for pointing out the negative portrayal that statement perpetuates.I do believe the author has since (in another article) noted regret at, or at least an acknowledgement that he should have avoided perpetuating such myths, so the fact this goes on is no reflection on him. It is a reflection on just how virulent the notion is, perpetuated by people like yourself taking greater offence to those who point it out than by those actually speaking it.
Second paragraph:Given your insistence that a message should be delivered with respect, the only way undermining men can possibly be deemed acceptable is if it’s the only way to show respect to women. If, as you say, it is just one way of showing respect to women, then ether it should not be used, because it doesn’t deliver the message with respect to men, or else you feel men don’t deserve that same respect. Which is it? Should that not have been used because it disrespects men, do men not deserve respect, or are you just full of bs?
“but if you’re accusing me of being prepared to tolerate tiny amounts of unfavourable judgement in the interests of bringing more women around to thinking that perhaps men have something useful to say about parenting, then yes I’m guilty as charged.”
But that’s the problem here, it’s not just your willingness to tolerate it that’s being discussed. You’re willing to raise objections to other men being unwilling to tolerate it. That means you find it more offensive for others to take offense to being undermined, than actually being undermined yourself. You are, in effect, trying to shame men into accepting that statement, or dismissing it as unimportant, despite the message behind it (fathers are lessor to mothers) permeating our society. Why is it you don’t have a problem with being called a lessor, but you do have a problem with others having a problem with it? Why is it you didn’t feel the need to just ignore it all?
Your first paragraph’s argument makes sense to me, but I can transform my own argument the same way: I’m not just complaining about you or other people on this thread; people in general being oversensitive is a pervasive problem in modern society, and it’s harmful to perpetuate the mentality that we are each entitled to insist that others’ behaviour rigidly conforms to our expectations.
“Given your insistence that a message should be delivered with respect, the only way undermining men can possibly be deemed acceptable is if it’s the only way to show respect to women.” No. You’re pretending that undermining is an all-or-nothing thing. Actually it can be done by degrees, and I’m saying that undermining your own team to an utterly minimal extent is a completely forgivable thing, especially when done in pursuit of a higher goal.
The one aspect that I haven’t explicitly clarified is why I’m more concerned with showing respect to women than to men *in this instance.* (That’s because it’s obvious to me, but apparently it’s not to you.) It’s because women are the target audience, and they’re an outgroup: people who do not expect to necessarily have our (men’s) respect. The article consists of a bunch of unsolicited advice, and giving unsolicited advice can be perceived as a disrespectful thing to do. It’s both considerate, and quite simply effective communication, to take steps to reassure the audience that you do have respect for them in this situation. Ideally you can do that without stepping on your own team’s toes, but if not, I’m happy to subtract the few cents of harm done from the gains made in between-group understanding and call it a net win.
You use the word “shaming” twice to refer to my criticism of you, but not to your criticism of the author. I suppose you expect me to shrink from this accusation, but the ridiculous idea that shaming is inherently bad carries no weight with me. Both of our criticisms are attempts to shame — to present our own values as superior/correct in order to bring the shamee’s behaviour into line with them. By your own actions you demonstrate that you believe there are circumstances where it is appropriate to shame someone.
“Why is it you don’t have a problem with being called a lessor, but you do have a problem with others having a problem with it? Why is it you didn’t feel the need to just ignore it all?” Explained in previous posts, and in my top paragraph in this post. To recap one more time: Basically I think it’s admirable to forgive small transgressions, and to extend an olive branch to possibly-hostile outgroup members. You will never agree with me because you’re too busy tabulating all the transgressions against you, however insignificant they are. (Yes, I’m trying to shame you into being less petty.)
“and giving unsolicited advice can be perceived as a disrespectful thing to do.”
But it isn’t unsolicited. This is a men’s site, if women are coming here, it is to get advice of, or the opinion on men and boys. If an article is written at that target, it is a target that has come looking for that very advice.
“Ideally you can do that without stepping on your own team’s toes, but if not, I’m happy to subtract the few cents of harm done from the gains made in between-group understanding and call it a net win.”
Why couldn’t he have done so without stepping on his own teams toes? That’s the whole point, he didn’t need to. And while you may have no problem with a mens magazine saying “yes women, you are better parents then men” and by extension “your opinions matter more and your decisions are the more correct ones than ours”, as we’re told so often within the media, other people do.
“You use the word “shaming” twice to refer to my criticism of you, but not to your criticism of the author.”
Word choice plays a significant role here. Calling the criticism of the author “childish” is much different than pointing out the stereotype perpetrated by the author is a bad one, though I won’t deny that shaming of the author hasn’t occured. And yours has been one of the more moderate shaming attempt.
“You will never agree with me because you’re too busy tabulating all the transgressions against you, however insignificant they are.”
Perhaps, but in doing so, I have made clear that I will not accept the title of rapist in waiting. Just how much are you willing to take? Are you OK with men being called lazy, broken women, less intellegent? Are you ok with articles saying white men shouldn’t be allowed to vote? Just how many of these little slights would it take before you began to take notice, especially given how utterly taboo it is to slight back (which, as you note in the first paragraph, is the real prblem. But until it is pointed out that men suffer these same kinds of stereotyping and sexist attitudes, it’s kind of hard to point out the doubles standard and things will simply remain one sided)? Or are you OK being societies punching bag, for no other reason than being born with a penis?
Regardless, as your last bracket shows you don’t intend to keep this discussion civil any longer, I’m out (unless you’re willing to demonstrate IE provide link of past comments, where you oppose the same kind of “being oversensitive” when applied to women).
@Darren – This article is “A Dad’s Advice for Moms”. Not the other way around.
And it is no where near the realm of disrespectful.
Apart from the moms are better….my husband is a far better parent than me, there is a lot of truth in this article, and the rocks story made me laugh out loud with its truth
I really appreciated this article…I think it’s always appreciated to find new ways to love on our sons. I’ll keep stealing kisses and hugs as long as I can move fast enough to grab him. Thanks for the advice!
I enjoyed reading this very much. I didn’t have any of the negative feelings like a couple other people. Just the name of your project says to me that your intentions are good and I appreciate every line in this article. I do have a 4 yr old boy and I will remember these things in the moments I am with him. Thank you!
This is amazing
I’ve been struggling with my 5 year old and this really put some things into prospective. The last one brought tears to my eyes.. Nothing is more beautiful than your child falling asleep in your arms. thank you!
Loved your article! I have a 4 years son who is a mistery to me. My 9 years lady daughter was so much easy to raise! Really loved to read it.
thank you! first time mom- i needed that!
Are Dads struggling with lifestyle changes in parenting, or parenting as a team? Parenting experience individual to each unique Dad. You are a unique Dad.
Overthinking gender roles not active participation. Parenting is surrender of identity, while raising, and sheltering kids. Women struggle alone, unless partner communicates. More fun shared together!
P.S. Suggest you teach son potty time is private, so he doesn’t try this w/ a friend. Draw the line.
I really don’t understand why we have to have all the negative comments here. This man never once claimed to be a professional child behaviorist so to criticize how he parents his own children is insane. Also I believe in his first paragraph he was not trying to “disrespect men or boys” but it was his attempt at saying hey ladies I’m not claiming to be a better parent than you-just some tips that seem to work for me. Here is a man who actually cares what kind of a father he is to his children and all you people can do is leave negative comments on his heartfelt and sincere blog. We wonder what is wrong with this world…. I’m starting to see the problem. Keep up the good work Tom. Not everyone in the world is as self absorbed as the ones that decided to comment.
The two main offensive parts of the article (women being generally better parents and boys not having the emotional range of girls) are NOT presented as the writer’s personal experience, both are made as broad statement. The article says women are generally better parents and says “your” son does not want to have complex discussions like girls might, it isn’t even unclear, the article is presenting both of these claims as true for people in general. The article is right there, I can’t understand why multiple people have made a claim so easily proven false.
Thank you. I’m a male and seriously it does not represent my experiences *at* *all*. My sister is easy going while I’m a very complex (troubled?) individual. Trivializing all men like this is something I wouldn’t expect in a site for men. This is just stereotyping at it worst.
i thought this was awesome. I don’t have any kids yet, but my partner and I want them very badly! I found this helpful because its a perspective on raising boys. were both female, so while we both have brothers that will be fantastic uncles, there isnt going to be a “Dad”.
Thank you so much for this article… Really loved the perfect description of everything…We have 3.5 yr boy and I usually struggle to understand him…like why he needs to go with toys for potty. Really appreciate you for putting it all together from bedtime, clothes, batman everything. Thanks alot:-)
The comments feature on this article should be removed. The amount of ignorance is unbelievable. Grow up boys who are too stuck in your own egos to grasp the point of this article. Also to the man who thought he could attack my SON and by attacking my opinions of him you are attacking him all I can say is you’re lucky this is an online forum and not face to face because the term “momma BEAR” means something in this household and I pray that there is someone with more maturity than you helping you to raise your children because Lord help them if you are their only mentor.
Nothing quite says man-hater like coming onto a men’s website, and telling men their experiences, emotions and opinions don’t matter (or are nothing more than being too stuck in our egos to grasp a concept, rather than actually having a legitimate reason for feeling as we do) and they should “grow up” and stop being egotistical. What makes you and your opinion so important as to do so? or is that just YOUR ego? Then following it up by threatening others, nice touch.
I found the article very informative!! Thank You so much. And guys complaining about him saying that moms are better parents, do you tell your wife she is doing a good job??? I bet she also tells you the same thing??? Just because he says they are better doesn’t mean he is saying women can do it and men can’t. The truth is, woman are born with an extra gene to make them a parent ( no I am not serious about that ) and most men aren’t. My husband is a wonderful father to our children and there are things he does way better than I do like getting our son to calm down quicker after a tantrum, but there are things that I do better. In my opinion he is the better parent? Is it sexist for me to say that?????
I thought it was a great article! My sons always want to know what is on their clothes when they put them on… True, fashion does matter to them. And my four-year-old son wants company in the bathroom too! He gets mad when I hold my nose, from the smell. It is quality time, he will talk, talk, talk on the toilet. In general, moms are the better parent – I have to agree. It’s part of their divine nature – to be nurturers!
And what is an example of a part of men’s “divine nature”?
It is in a man’s “divine nature” to be a provider.
And what exactly does that mean in a society that isn’t allowed to pay a 250 pound muscly man any more than his 93 pound wafe of a woman co-worker on a job that solely requires physical strength? What does it mean in a society that tells women they can do it all, including being the provider for the household? What does it mean in a society that has become so monetized that two incomes are needed to sustain a household?
No, that is just a cop-out. There is no “divine rights”, let alone to be nurturer or provider.
I am a mother of 4 boys! I have a 14, 11, 10 and a 3 and I completely agree with everything you said. Especially the part that if your boy is being quiet there is something really wrong that goes for all of mine. I also find that a hug goes a long way with them too. Thanks for your article
Why do you make broad generalizations about the emotional lives of children? Also, don’t you think parents have a lot to do with how much winning matters? And why should boy children get more cuddles and hugs than girl children? I know they respond differently but does that mean they need it more or less?
Who said anything about how much hugs girl children should get? It’s not a zero sum game and giving boys hugs as a solution to their frustration doesn’t take away from girls. All that was said is that a hug is often the solution. I’m curious why you choose to go there? Is there a problem with
Great article. Thank you!!!!
I agree completely
Women are , for the most, better parents than men. 
Thank you for telling me, a single mom of a 9 year old boy, a little about the secrets of boys and men.
the last thing i would call this article is disrespectful. get a life folks. i think some people commenting spend too much time online instead of with real people. i am a woman and totally got the point of the piece. as a woman, i clearly didn’t grow up as a little boy and had no brothers, so if i have any little baby boys, i will be more or less clueless when it comes to the finer point of being a boy. i appreciated this article and other people need to lighten up. it was funny and well written and if you can get over your egos, which shouldn’t be offended to begin with, this is full of sage advice.
“the last thing i would call this article is disrespectful. get a life folks. i think some people commenting spend too much time online instead of with real people”
Shaming men for having an opinion. Nice. I do notice, being a woman as you are, that assuring the offending statement being uncontested is rather self serving.