Let’s get one thing clear from the get go: moms are generally better parents than dads. And that goes double for me. I’ve had three kids across two marriages and I am undoubtedly the weak link. My 17-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son trust their step-mom more than they trust me, which proves that I married well but am still getting the hang of being a dad. Most of us are.
That said, there are a few subtle nuances that I have picked up along the way as a dad that might come in handy for moms raising boys.
Ladies, here are some things to think about with your boys:
- Think caveman. Adult women have thousands of emotional states, as do girls like my daughter. Boys, on the other hand, tend to feel one of three: mad, sad, happy. Don’t project your complex emotional life on your son. His issue of the moment might not be that complicated. He wants to eat, poop, or run. On a really bad day he wants his toy back after some other kid took it from him. He doesn’t want to stare out the window and have lengthy discussions about the meaning of life, as my eight-year-old daughter often did.
- Watch his body not his mouth. Again, like adult men, the clues to how your son is doing will show up first in his body language. Jumping up and down with six-inch vertical leaps is the natural state of being and is good. Slumped shoulders are bad. Yelling is good. Quiet needs attention.
- When in doubt, hug. Boys will often have a much harder time than girls verbalizing their problems. My 5-year-old son will sometimes burst out into tears after seemingly trivial events. I know there is something deeper going on, but I am not going to get it out of him, at least not at that moment (whereas my daughter would not only tell me what went wrong but in no uncertain terms why it was my fault, which was generally true enough). So the solution is physical not verbal. I spend a lot of time just hugging my boys. I usually have no idea why. But as a default cure-all, it seems to work wonders. A minute later they are all patched up and ready to rumble again. This even works pretty well with my 14-year-old, who is a 6-foot-tall linebacker at Boston College High School.
- Yes, it really is all about poop. Girls potty train 6 to 9 months before boys, but once boys make it onto the throne, there is no stopping them. Moving their bowels is pretty much the highlight of their day (true confession: it still is for me, too), and they are going to want to talk about it. Bathroom time is a participatory sport. My five-year-old likes to head to the bathroom just as the family is sitting down to dinner, sometimesduring dinner. It’s the first time he has been still long enough to realize he has to go. And he wants me to come with him, not just to assist in the wipe but to have a leisurely conversation about the status of his poop. As much as I found this inconvenient at first, now I just go with it. Quality time is quality time.
- Batman lives forever. Boys, even at a young age, realize the importance of super powers. They want to be good and believe in the existence of ultimate good in the world. Boys sort out their identities in relation to the mythical characters they hear about. My son is obsessed with Batman. He wears a full costume, even through the airport and down Madison Avenue. What amazes me even more than his dedication to the superhero is how the guard at LaGuardia or the guy hanging off the back of a garbage truck sees him and shouts, “Batman!” My boy nods his head just slightly, acknowledging his public before moving onto the important work at hand, like going to kindergarten.
- Pointless physical activity is perfect. My brother and I once convinced his two sons and my older boy, when they were all around the age of 10, that they really needed to build a structure out of rocks. The rocks were on one side of a beach, but the perfect spot where the structure had to be built, according to our sage advice, was on the other side of the beach. Each stone weighed between ten and thirty pounds. The boys started moving the boulders one by one, working together to lift the heaviest ones. My brother and I set up our beach chairs midway from the rock pile to building site. We read the paper most of the morning while the boys tired themselves out moving rocks and then assembling a tremendous cathedral. By lunch they were tired and happy, and my brother and I had enjoyed a peaceful morning.
- Winning does matter, but less than you think. Boys — perhaps even more than girls — put themselves under extreme pressure to perform in school, in sports, and in social situations. They talk about it less, so the sting of failure can run even more deeply than with girls. With boys it’s important to emphasize the lessons to be gained from failure, instead of trying to win at all costs, and to emphasize the development of the whole boy. Too often in our culture, boys are pushed to become one-dimensional robots. Goodness isn’t about winning at youth soccer or having the most friends or being the smartest kid in class; it’s also about being kind. That’s something as a mom that you can particularly help your son understand.
- Clothes matter. I know there are way more options for dressing little girls than little boys, so the tendency might be to just throw jeans and a t-shirt on your son and forget about it. But you better make sure they are the right jeans and the right t-shirt. The only consistent battle I have had with my sons is over what they wear. It matters way more to them than I ever would have imagined. They want to look cool; they want to be comfortable (pants that are tight but not too tight, warm and yet breathable). I do draw the line with clothes that have already been worn two days in a row, but I don’t discount the importance of fashion to my kindergartener.
- Crowds, not so much. I have noticed that my daughter lights up when she enters a crowd, whether family or strangers. Mass humanity is something that gives her energy. With my boys, and, frankly, for me too, it’s the opposite. They get shy and tend to hide behind my legs. I try to protect them from these situations and not push them beyond their limitations.
- Bedtime is sacred. Because boys are so active, it’s hard to get them to sit still. The best time of day is the ten minutes before they go to sleep. Crawl into bed with them, read books, and hold them while they fall off to sleep. If you don’t believe in God, you will once you have lain next to your overactive son while his body goes limp next to you, and he ever so faintly begins to snore.
If you enjoyed this, you might also like Tom’s new piece: Raising Teenagers For Dummies (Like Me)
About Tom Matlack
I think a better title would have been One Dad’s Advice, but I was not all offended by the article. As a mother of 4 sons and a wife to a wonderful coparent, I did not find all of his personal views accurate but took them as his experiences with his sons and himself. I saw it as entertaining! Much of his points are very much about particular personality types vs male behavior. I found it interesting that the commentators are so concerned about the “sexist” view points.
I think there was more than one man. Each time it was a bit different with how many kids or age of kids. maybe I’m wrong but I just thought I’d point that out
I found your advice to be valid. I have 5 boys ranging from 16 down to 4. Many times have I had to prod them for information to tell me what was wrong. Many people think boys are not emotional or nearly as emotional as girls. It’s true they are not as emotional, but that doesn’t mean that they lack all emotions. My boys have had the sting of their first rejection from a girl and impacts boys more than you ever think it does. I also like your comment about pointless activity, but I do have to say it isn’t pointless if they remember it later and say, “Dad, you remember the time we…..” Building memories and a wonderful childhood.
Yes a great article. Re the crowd issue, I was just thinking the other day how my mum’s social behaviour really impacted on me. I was one depressed kid. I have about one hundred aunties. All mum’s friends. Sigh. I would miss cricket games because we were having a bbq with “auntie jane” etc etc. Crikey it nearly killed me.
Can I recommend Steve Biddulph’s books, ‘Raing Boys’, and ‘Manhood’. Both are excellent reads.
Note to Mothers: Remember this – the boys you bring up may turn into the men you hold responsible for your lack of “equality” in life. My advice, for what it’s worth: Acknowledge the differences of the sexes then treat you sons to have equal value to your/other peoples daughters – which should be a great deal..
My favorite line: “Yes, it really is all about poop.” This seems to be true no matter how old the boy is.
Your first bullet point, “Think Caveman,” is extremely worrisome to me. It has proven to be such an enduring stereotype about men that we have a less complex emotional life than women, and that women are “more complicated,” which is usually meant as a negative, I think (trim it off, ladies, Occam’s Razor style! Maximize efficiency!)
There are plenty of boys who have complex and conventionally “feminine” emotional lives, and who want to have lengthy discussions about the meaning of life (I was one of them). Treating them automatically as though they just want to run, eat, or poop is the perfect way to condition them to NOT express or try to understand their own complex emotional life. I’m fairly convinced this is one aspect of the traditional normalization of males that leads to this stereotype in the first place. Boys get habituated to not express these feelings because they feel like they’re not supposed to, and end up trying to dull them for life for fear of being seen as weird or girly.
Yeah, some boys have less complex emotional lives, but so do plenty of girls I know. I think the real problem is “projecting your emotional life” onto your child period, not projecting a particular kind of emotional life. You shouldn’t be expecting a child to feel a certain way, you should be observant to their actual behavior and then respond to them accordingly, as an individual.
You have a great point. I have a brother who is like you, very sensitive and emotional from the time he was a toddler. He was more ‘feminine’ than my tomboy sister always and sometimes even more than I. He’s one of the sweetest men I know, always gentle with women and able to understand their complex emotional lives. My mom has no trouble relating to him but my dad does still, even though he’s almost 30 now. This article was aimed at moms who may have difficulty relating to their ‘masculine’ boys (I hate the terms ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ since we all have both feminine and masculine traits if we’re completely honest with ourselves), but I would love to see an article for dads who have difficulty relating to their emotional sons as well.
Thank you! This is great advice for a divorced mom raising a son. My son is 8 and so much of this applies to him; especially the superhero part. He still wears his Transformers costume from three years ago on a regular basis. Didn’t know about the poop thing and it’s a little much for me but I will certainly pay more attention to it. Hopefully he doesn’t ask me to sit and chat wit him.
Loved this! And here is my advice from a mother of three sons http://bit.ly/Y5gqoZ
Aahh yes, as a mom to three boys, I can say this post qualifies you as a very wise man — and dad. Thank you for sharing your insight and wisdom. We moms need reminders from time to time that you boys truly are a different breed.
I loved reading what you had to say! As a mother of two and having many nephews I completely agree with it all
God bless you and your family!
Great, great article.
Humorous, truthful. And yes clothes definitely matter. Lol.
Great article! Really insightful, thoughtful, and caring.
Absolute truth. I am a divorced mom with 3 boys, ages 12, 7 and 5 and a daughter who is 15. I often wonder about my boys and how well I am doing on my own. You described my boys to a T. I am proud to say, so far I have done a pretty good job. I will add one thing… they know 2 volumes, loud and louder. Haha no matter how people want males and females to be the same and treated the same, they are different and have different ways of thinking, communicating, acting and dealing with things. My boys are all boy and so much different than my daughter. It is what it is and you can’t change it.
Nice stereotype for men as being second best in parenting world. Bad enough commercials and sitcoms present fathers nitwits who are lucky enough to know how change a roll of toilet paper let alone a diaper that I need to see it in an article in The Good Men Project. Next time refer to yourself as having problems being a parent instead of all men. I’m a fantastic father of 2 and have been involved in my kids lives from the moment they were born to now. A good parent is a good patent, independent of their gender.
Good points once you get past the ridiculous first sentence.
this is awesome! thank you so much for writing this, I have a six year old son and a handful of nieces, I find myself comparing him to them and I really shouldn’t and now I understand why. the whole thing about poop, well you couldn’t be more right, my son loves to describe the whole process from start to finish, at first I thought it was gross but now I just laugh it off. thank you!! keep up the good job!
great advice
Interesting, but I think this is more of personality in his boys than the gender. I have two boys, and two girls, and a very masculine husband and father of these kiddos. My daughter likes talking poop more than the boys, and my one son loves a crowd! The thing that I appreciate is that he seems to be getting to know his kids well and what works for them. As a parent, we have to be watching them and learning what makes them tick. I have a daughter that would love to snuggle in her bed, the other would rather me not get near her in her bed. My two sons might have different opinions on how much snuggling and or hugging they want or are comfortable with. Ha! But yes, my oldest son DOES love to jump…he is constantly trying to reach the height of our celings! Glad to know that is not just him. Get to know your kids and love on them…they will be gone before we know it!
As a father of four boys from 19 down to 8, I can say that a lot of what the author posted is pretty true and accurate. But with all people, whether they’re grown up or children, male or female, there are always some differences in the way they behave in situations.
It’s great advice to follow, nonetheless, as long as you keep in mind that it’s advice on one person’s child from personal experience and not an end-all be-all guide to all little boys. Bravo to the author. I really enjoyed this one.
I enjoyed reading this, but I feel it’s necessary to point out a flaw in this article: girls are extremely competitive by nature. At work, I find myself striving to beat my coworkers in contests from our boss. When I play sports, I get frustrated when I lose. Furthermore, girls love to compare themselves to others – who has better hair, who has the better job, etc. this is derived from our competitive nature.
LOVED this article. My husband and I have 2 boys and although Steven, usually knows how to handle most boy situations, I DO NOT! I always feel like they should act or look a certain way, but in reality they are boys…and boys will be boys. Thanks for a post that all moms can learn from!
Hm. I’ve felt all kinds of amazing emotions and instincts firing up while experiencing 17 wonderful months of motherhood, and if anything, I believe in gods even less than before. In fact, nope, not at all. The universe itself is divine to me. The random possibility of my beautiful son being born is more than enough to inspire awe in my heart. I don’t need fairy tales.
Other than that, okay advice I guess. If you want to raise a caveman incapable of complex thoughts and emotions.
Well it’s a good thing you came along with your 17 months of experience to tell Tom how wrong his 17 years makes him. Nothing like being dismissive of others experience when your own is but a fraction of theirs. I disagree with several of the things Tom had to say here, but I made arguments. What you did is little better than what feminists call mansplaining when a man does it to a woman.
And I need to ask, what reasoning to you have for asserting the acknowledgment of some of these generalizations (very few actions are actually suggested, more like expectations) will result in raising a caveman? Are you suggesting that spending time with a boy until he’s ready to talk, or giving a boy a hug, leads to misogyny?