Strip Clubs, Cheating: Not Even Close to the Same Thing

Yeesh. Tuesday at The Stir (part of Cafe Mom), Janelle Harris, under the headline Strip Clubs + Cheating = A Natural Combination, argued that she’s “not crazy insecure,” but that she thinks “going to strip clubs is right up there on the cheating scale. As close as 7.9 is to 8—that’s how close I think sitting in a sleazy little den of smutty dancing is to actually carrying out the dirty deed of infidelity.” Wow. There’s more:

All of the pieces for the freaky-deaky equation are right there: mental fantasizing, physical desire, and emotional hot-and-heaviness. And let’s not pretend that, for a few extra bucks, Mercedes, Vanilla, or Delicious won’t momentarily throw their upstanding ethics to the side to perform a little more than a lappy and a pole routine. Private dance my foot. I’ve heard what goes on in those back rooms and if I found out my man was even tarrying around the doorjamb, I’d be ready to set it off Jada Pinkett-Smith–style.

In the book of Janelle, if a guy wants to see other chicks naked, if he wants to run his hands across some other gal’s skin and squeeze on her soft, cushy girl parts, and especially if he wants to give cash in any dollar amount to support her—which is ultimately what sliding 10s and 20s down a G-string or any other place on a stripper’s person is doing—then he can’t seriously want to be in a committed relationship at the same time.

It means he hasn’t gotten all of his wild oats sown in order to settle down and appreciate just one woman. When he’s immersed in happy coupledom, he doesn’t need to get off from being in the presence of other ladies shaking what their mamas gave ’em. Unless, of course, what he has waiting at home just isn’t enough to keep him satisfied.

Just. Wow.

I’ve never been a big fan of strip clubs for a few reasons: First, they’re ridiculously expensive to the point of being personally insulting ($75 cover? Really?). Handing over that kind of money to look at naked women entails a tacit admission that the line between rationality and animality is a lot blurrier than I like to believe it is. I haven’t even walked through the door and I already feel dirty, like I’ve sacrificed a little slice of self-respect.

Second, they’re kinda sad. If you’ve ever been in a strip club at 4 p.m. on a Tuesday (and yes, I have), you know what I mean. I feel bad for the women and I feel bad for the guys who have, in essence, paid for the luxury of being manipulated out even more of their money. It’s a little like watching the guy in front of you at 7-11 blow half his pay check on scratch tickets. (That’s not to say that I haven’t made plenty of choices that that guys who love scratch tickets and strip clubs would find sad—I most certainly have.)

And maybe worst, they’re inherently frustrating—when I was a skirt-chasing single guy, I’d always prefer going to a bar than going to a strip club, because at a bar at least I’d have the chance to flirt with women who aren’t being paid to flirt with me. I’ll take a smile from across the room over a stripper in my lap any day.

With all that said, I’ve paid my share of ridiculous covers, shelled out for lap dances, and had good times hanging out with friends at strip clubs. And I can say with all certainty that you can go to a strip club—and be a participant in all the naughty goings-on—and not be a lecherous, adulterous bastard.

Ladies: You can get a lap dance—and I imagine that most women will probably agree with me here, even if Janelle doesn’t—and “seriously want to be in a committed relationship at the same time.”

According to Janelle’s “freaky-deaky equation,” Mental Fantasizing + Physical Desire + Emotional Hot-and-Heaviness = Cheating.

Seriously? Every adult has fantasies and “physical desire”—and every married person, at one time or another, fantasizes about and has some degree of desire for a person other than their spouse. The question should not be whether these occur, but whether they’re acted on. So, if a guy pays to have sex with a stripper, then yes, he’s cheating. (But if that happens, she’s not a stripper—she’s a prostitute.)

I’m not totally sure what emotional hot-and-heaviness is, but if it’s anything like emotional infidelity, then the problem is not the strip club—it’s your relationship. As far as I’m concerned, after love, trust is the most important ingredient of a successful partnership. If you equate going to a strip club with adultery, you don’t trust your husband. You may have some good reasons for that, but the fact that he went to a strip club isn’t one of them.

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About Henry P. Belanger

Henry P. Belanger is a writer, reporter, and an editor-at-large at the Good Men Project. Contact him via email.

Comments

  1. Yeah…I think strip clubs are gross, & problematic…but not infidelity. A lap dance is probably crossing the line, though– it is my understanding that they are basically dry humping? I have never had one, & only been to a handful of strip clubs a handful of times, but that wouldn’t be kosher between me & my monogamous SO. Is going to a strip club the same thing as infidelity? Naw, & neither is looking at pornography. Of course, every couple is going to define their own boundaries– & they should. Nothing wrong with that, & if Janelle Harris says you can’t be monogamous with her & go to a strip club, than that is her affair. As a DEFAULT? I’m not sure I agree. Or rather– I’m sure, & I don’t agree.

    • Here’s what I don’t get. Why is it ok for a guy to go to s trip club, but if his lady is good looking enough to be a stripper, she’s cheating??

      My BF and I got into an argument once because he asked me if it would be cool if he went to a strip club with his buddies. I told him sure, on one condition. I get to go to “Amateur Night” the following week and try my hand at making a few bucks. He seemed to think that was an unfair trade.

      I disagree. He wants a sexual thrill at checking out some bimbo, and I want a financial thrill at BEING a bimbo for someone else to check out. Yet if I did that I’d be cheating??

      How come it doesn’t work both ways??

      • this is so true… i told my husband ok, its cool you if you watch, but if you enjoy that so much then i should try stripping and making some money too.. maybe he can throw me some bills too. They like skanky girls, and they want a respectful housewife at home.

        Is like they like watching naked woman a drull, but if a guy drulls over us we are being whores!

        Man and their hypocritical manhood. be equal boys

  2. janonymous says:

    I’ll admit, I’m one of those women that have felt going to strip clubs is about one g-string away from cheating. But I think ultimately, how each couple defines all of this, and how women feel about it, does come down to trust. There’s no definitive line here, it’s a gray area, and one that should be handled with care.

    Take the boyfriend or husband who frequents strip clubs when he says he’s somewhere else. Whether or not he does so because his girlfriend or wife doesn’t like this (has he even asked?) is not relevant. In such a case, the act of going to a strip club is much more akin to cheating because the wife or girlfriend is being cheated out of the opportunity to decide for herself if she wants this to be part of her relationship. She is “cheated” out of all the necessary information.

    And certainly lap dances and “back rooms” are really pushing the limits. Let’s be honest. When there’s contact, it is no longer just a fantasy. Claiming this is not cheating because there is no intercourse is a little Bill Clintonish, don’t you think? If the guy gets off, he gets off with someone else. If he doesn’t get off and brings the energy home to wife/girlfriend, is she made aware that it’s not about her and she’s just a breathing mastubatory tool?

    I think most women are much better able to handle their husband/boyfriend’s fantasies when they are welcomed into them, and know what it’s about. Fear of strip clubs is really a fear about honesty and trust. Many cultures, and even “sub” cultures in our own country, practice poly relationships. These work when each person in the relationship knows they their own part is not at threat by others.

    Granted, Janelle was a bit venemous about the topic, but perhaps she’s been burned by assurances that “it’s only fantasy” only to find out something dismissed as harmless turned out to be a real threat.

    Bottom line, when men want to engage in outside dalliances, even at fantasy level, they should take care to ensure it’s not a threat to their significant other.

    • I’ll admit, I’ve done this… and might still do it. Each time I’ve said I’m not going to anymore, I get tempted and go “one last time” to a club and get a lap dance. As much as I’d love to rationalize it and as much as I think it’s better than a full on sex fling, I think this is right.

      The key is not necessarily the act. May wife has actually laughed at the idea of me in a strip club and at one time, we were in one and she was the one slipping dollars in garters, because she knew I was looking and liked it.

      But if/when I go to a place like this and feel like I need to hide it from her or lie about it? Then it’s just not right, period. It’s not cheating in the most serious sense, perhaps. But it is still a form of cheating, as in cheating the trust you’ve asked for and promised to give in return when you got hitched.

      If it’s accepted and allowed by your partner, that’s another story.

      Of course, then you have to jump to the next set of questions and start asking yourself, suppose this were my daughter who was doing this dancing… would it seem like the right thing to want her to do or for her to want to do? And by extension, should we be treating someone else’s daughter that way?

      Of course they’re adult women (hopefully) and can make their own choices (hopefully again). But is it right to finance that culture? I’m just saying. And yes, I’m saying it all as a hypocrite too. Because I’ve been there, done that. And might be too weak to resist doing it again.

  3. Seems natural to me that adults have desires, and whether browsing porn, masturbating, or visiting a strip club, those desires often play out in ways that don’t completely involve their partner. Like the commenter said above, it’s about trust and honesty and not crossing lines. Or spending too much money! But equating any of those activities to actually having sex with another person seems a gross exaggeration to me. Though I’m a man of fairly liberal morals headed straight to hell, so what do I know?

  4. Clark Kent says:

    Why is it never problematic or discussed when women are at Chippendale shows/Bachelorette parties… I mean if it is an egalitarian society we’re striving for isn’t it therefore possible for women to have the same capacity to “cheat” in the given situation? It just seems to me that women are always the “authority” on what is and what isn’t cheating. Often times parameters are based on the assumption that men are insatiable in their desires to have sex with as many women as possible.

    • janonymous says:

      If it’s a problem, let’s discuss it! The same applies for women.

      When I said in my comment that I’m one of those women who think going to strip clubs is “one g-string away from cheating”, I make the assumption that I would hold myself to the same standards in a relationship.

      In fact, this kind of brings up a good point. Perhaps some women find it problematic because there really isn’t an equivalent for women to “enjoy”. I don’t think women get lap dances from men. Additionally, when a woman is watching a male stripper, the illusion of “arousal” can’t be faked. So it’s just not the same experience.

      Also, to Brian…what point is “crossing the line”? And certainly, if we recognize the threat of emotional affairs, how do we recognize other types of “affairs” that may not involve intercourse, but do have potential to steal sexual attention and favors away from our significant other.

      For me, cheating (or threat of cheating) is defined by things where I’m not getting the disclosure needed to make my own decisions as an individual, and as part of a relationship, or things that are otherwise erode the health and security of the relationship. In one relationship strip clubbing might not even be on my radar as problematic, where in another it would put me on red alert. This has been my experience. I’m not a different person, but each relationship is different.

      It’s not black and white. We can’t definitively say that going to a strip club isn’t a form of cheating, or at least close to cheating for every couple. Intent, disclosure, results, etc, all play a part. Again, how is a lap dance with a “happy ending” that much different from a hand-job or oral sex? And should those last two be performed for pay, we call that prostitution, and cheating.

      • Clark Kent says:

        But where is the assumption that any or all of those activities are taking place at a strip club coming from. I’m not here to defend strip clubs because I just enjoy them that much, but I’m sure most men who go just enjoy viewing then female form.

        Also, how is what you outlined any different from women fantasizing about other men or reading erotica? I’ve read numerous articles where women have been told that it is ok or even encouraged to fantasize about other men during sex to help them achieve orgasm. Can that not be a form of cheating on a mental or emotional level? It seems as if because men have a tangible/visible representation of our fantasies it is considered immoral and illicit.

        Again it harkens back to my statement that there is an assumption that men have no control over our sexual desires. That we can’t practice discretion or restraint in the presence of “temptation.”

        I guess I don’t like this idea that when it comes to relationships and relationship etiquette that women are deemed proficient and men are inept and always flirting with stepping out of line. Whenever the topic of “cheating” is broached it is always tinged with a sentiment of keeping men on a short leash and protecting us from ourselves. The whole discussion has become clichéd in my opinion and I’m sure many other men are beginning to resent the notion.

        • Clark, a man looking at porn would be the equivalent of a woman reading erotica. . .

          Now if a guy’s wife/GF was acting out the scenes in her romance novel with a real live man, instead of just imagining it, that would be a true comparison to the interactions that take place in a strip club with real live naked women.

          Men are visual, women are tactile, touch turns them on. In order for her to get as turned on as he is by the visuals in a strip club, tender kissing, making out, romance/erotica type stuff with her real, live “fantasy” man should do the trick. And as long as his wife/GF doesn’t actually have intercourse with this other guy, it all just clean fun and blowing off steam, right? Why should her husband care where she gets her appetite as long as she comes home to him??

    • Because women don’t get the same “thrill” you all get from looking at nakedness.

      I couldn’t give a hoot about some naked dude humping the air in front of me. I actually might find it annoying.

  5. I read the Good Men Project to learn about what it means to be a good man. There is nothing about going to a strip club that says ‘good man’ to me. Same for porn. There is just no reason for a man in a loving, close relationship with his wife to go to a strip club. Whatever he’s hoping to get should be got from his wife.

    For that matter, I don’t think that single men should be at strip clubs either. People will live their lives, but I find it incredibly disrespectful. Just think for a moment – if she was your daughter, how comfortable would you be with her choosing to strip – or with the guys around her choosing to look?

    I find this article to be wholly out of keeping with being a good man.

    • I agree with you on the first paragraph. The second paragraph, I definitely have mixed feelings because on the one hand chippendales are definitely not an equivalent to male strip clubs, but on the other hand, I don’t wish to shove my morals down some guy’s throat and tell him he’s a bad man because he visits a strip club (with the assumption he’s single).

      Unless both husband and wife go to this strip club, or the wife consents to her man going; otherwise, there’s a problem if the guy goes when the woman does not approve.

  6. The definition of cheating differs in every relationship. In my relationship, looking at porn is a form of cheating. I don’t care if a single guys look at it, but if a guy is in a relationship with me, especially with a healthy sex life, there is no reason he should retreat to porn with me around. And if you feel bad for me and think I won’t ever find a guy, I’ve been with my fiance for almost four years, and he’s had no problem giving up porn for me. I stated this at the beginning of our relationship, expressing my thoughts without forcing him to do it, and he gave it up like that.

    Going to a strip club doesn’t necessarily constitute as cheating, but I would be upset if I found out my fiance went to a strip club without my knowing. Why would he need to pay to look at half-naked women when he as me? As for a lap dance, that is definitely cheating on my part and akin to a hand job/blow job. It’s basic dry humping that can induce an erection, and if performed vigorously enough, probably ejaculation.

    It’s different from person to person. You can’t definitively claim that looking at porn (an example) isn’t cheating, when for another person it might be.

    • Great point, Amber! Every couple has define their own boundaries, and then respect them. I don’t personally have a problem with strip clubs or porn, but that’s just me. I wouldn’t begin to tell another couple where to set their own limits. As long as everybody is honest and on the same page, who cares what page it is?

      • Exactly. Arguing about what is and what is not cheating is pointless – unless you’re arguing with your partner about your own relationship. There’s no gold standard, trying to invent one and hold it up to convince your partner won’t do anyone any good.

        Relationship boundaries, including what is and what is not cheating, is something every relationship should talk about and agree. It doesn’t matter what the rules are, it matters they are there and understood.

        In some relationships, looking at another man or woman or at naked people in magazines is cheating. In my marriage my wife can sleep with someone else and not be cheating. I’ve never been to a strip club, I don’t see the attraction – but I wouldn’t have a problem if a partner went to one.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I may get in trouble for saying this but, I’ve been happily married with my husband for 10 years now, and I’m not anti-strip clubs. In fact, I’ve gone to strip clubs with him + a group of our friends in the past. It’s never bothered me when he went to strip clubs with his friends without me. I don’t believe people cheat because they are exposed to temptation or sexuality. I believe people cheat because they simply value the prospect of adulterous sex over the cost of losing their relationship. I’ve bought lap dances for my husband and he’s bought them for me. Going to a strip club is like naughty taboo fun that we occasionally partake in with friends. I guess I’d have problems if he went to strip clubs on a regular basis – but I’d have the same issues if he went to a bar at happy hour on a regular basis. The bottom line here is honesty. Is he doing something that he can honestly tell you. If you feel insecure about your husband going to strip clubs, then he should be willing to give up visiting strip clubs. There are many boundaries to cross before you actually cheat, and that’s what people need to focus on. If you can be honest with your partner about the good, the bad, and the ugly, you should also be able to discuss the emotional state that is leading one of you down the road to consider cheating.

    • Henry P. Belanger says:

      Nah, you won’t get in trouble. I think you’re right. If you look at all these comments, I think we’d all agree that honesty is key.

      I think you’re right about being worried if you’re husband started going to strip clubs on a regular basis, and I think you’re right about this, too: < < If you feel insecure about your husband going to strip clubs, then he should be willing to give up visiting strip clubs.>>

    • Anonymous,

      I’m replying to a comment you made last April in regard to whether or not going to a strip club is cheating. I’ve never thought of it this way before, as I too have attended strip clubs with my husband. However, what if he goes with a client and gets a lap dance (which he has before– not many times, but just after his work xmas parties on occasion — and has always told me) and touches the girls boobs. I know my husband gets excited just thinking about something and looking at naked girls (i.e. in an R movie haha), so getting an erection at a strip club is a no brainer for him. I’m just wondering if you think it’s crossing the line if he’s touching the stripper’s boobs. For some reason, even a** touching is almost ok with me, but once it involves the boobs it bothers me. Do you have a problem with your husband doing this? I just keep picturing something some erotic, but he can even barely remember the night.

      • I find you are very tolerant of your husband’s behaviour. I would be super pissed if my husband touched another woman’s boobs. To me, that crosses the line and would totally be considered cheating. Would he like it if you touched some other guy’s penis? Probably not. If he’s asking for permission to do that, I would offer him that same scenario and see how he feels about it. Fairly certain he would not be cool about it.

        Recently, my husband’s best friend got married and they went for his bachelor party. My husband isn’t really a fan of strip clubs. Said he’d been once in his early twenties and not enjoyed himself. I was ok with him going (not super happy about it, but what can you do?) But our rules were absolutely no lap dances. In Quebec, they are full contact, you can touch the stripper anywhere except the vagina. They regularly grind you to a happy ending (you know a couple of songs and 200$ later). As far as I’m concerned, paying another woman to get you off is cheating. If he did get a dance, that would be a deal breaker for me. Touching another woman’s boobs or getting a happy ending from grinding = not cool.

        • I’m actually not very tolerant of my husband’s strip club visit. It was eight months ago today and I am still pissed (yes, I remember the date!) I have no proof that he touched a woman’s boobs, and he swears nothing happened, but of course I will never know for sure. He got unusually drunk (or possibly drugged — yes drugged!) that night and blacked out. He remembers what happened before strip club, but nothing after — doesn’t even remember how he got to train. This sort of thing NEVER happens to my husband and he has always been honest with me. He woke up the next morning not feeling hungover like he normally would after a night out drinking, but felt unusually tired and out of it. The strip club put through several charges on 2 of his credit cards an all the signatures were forged. I suspect they did drug him, put him in a room, and ran his cards for 3 hours. Anyway…..I am married to a very decent, hardworking and honest man. We tell each other everything. He is sick over the fact that his judgement was blurred by alcohol and possibly drugs and has been making it up to me ever since that night. I don’t know if what happened is considered cheating, but in the scope of things if this is the worst thing that happens to us in our 24 years of marriage I guess I should consider myself lucky. I know A LOT of husbands who go to strip clubs frequently and DON”T tell their wives.

  8. formerdancer says:

    I was a stripper, many years ago. And I pitied the wives and girlfriends whose husbands and boyfriends were paying me to bare it all for them.

    From my perspective, it IS adultery. It’s using another woman to find some sort of sexual satisfaction and to have some sort of sexual communication.

    I would never stay with a man who visits strip clubs. I would rather live out my life alone than live with a man who went to other women for that kind of attention.

  9. The Wet One says:

    WHat? Wait a sec there former dancer. What attention did you give to the men?

    For my part, my strip club days are over. I don’t live in the right area and yeah, the cost is too high. Also, seeing prostitutes is waaaay cheaper with far more bang for the buck.

    Being a reasonably experienced strip club goer, I’d say it’s cheating for MOST PEOPLE if you go to get a lapdance. There’s definitely hands on naughty bits at the clubs I’ve been to, even the ones where there’s a no touch rule.

    That said, I’ve been to plenty of strip clubs where middle aged women as well as young women come in with their apparent boyfriends or in groups of girls to hang out, throw money at the dancers and get lapdances (not common, but it happens). Also, some women try to outdo the strippers and are stripping it off in the club. Nothing like a bit of extra at the show.

    For these women, and the guys they are with, I don’t want to put words in their mouths, but I suspect that a their guy going to the club with them is not cheating. Going alone to the strip club, maybe, but there’s a lot of different folks out there. Check out Evil Evil Kitten’s posts here for a women who’s large, in charge and has no worries about cheating: http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/married-long-term-relationships/25869-dealing-adultery.html

    In my view, this is a far more honest and worthwhile discussion of cheating than what is discussed here. Granted, people on http://www.sexinfo101.com are probably a bit more liberated than the folks here, but still. It’s a pull no punches kinda discussion and Evil Evil Kitten has some interesting views. Then again, she’s not mainstream, so…

  10. The Wet One says:

    Here’s a great example of Evil Evil Kitten’s straigh talk from the above hyperlinked thread:

    Comment:

    “Ok here’s my first post and boy did I pick one to jump in on. So far I have seen where some think having sex with someone other than your spouse is no big deal. I’ve seen post saying we don’t stay together for love but for property gains instead.

    I have been married for 25 years and I can say I love my wife more today than I did last year. Every year my love for her grows stronger. We have never really had that great of a sex life, even though I wish we did, but that has never effected my love for her. I didn’t marry my wife for the sex but instead for the companionship, friendship, support, the joy of knowing I have someone who will be there for me when I really need them. This sounds like a best friend and yes she is my best friend. We are best friends who tust each other with our deepest darkest secrets that we would never tell anyone else. At the same time we both feel warmth and security form the other. We know that when the world has us down the she will be there to help pick us up and stay by our side to see us through whatever the situation is. When you truely are in love with your spouse you know it’s you two against the world and your better half will fight by your side to the end. Being married and in love is knowing that if you have had a bad day your spouse will let you rant and rave and never ignore you. It’s knowing that when you make a mistake you can confess to it and they will forgive you and still love you unconditionally.
    Someone asked why commiting aultry is such a big deal. Well a marriage is based on trust. I you do not trust your spouse or they do not trust you then you will never have that special bond all married couples should have. When you place that much trust in a person and they commit adultry with another person the trust is broken, but not destroyed if you truely love your spouse. Haveing a spouse cheat is painfull and it leaves deep wounds but as with any wound it can heal, the process isn’t easy but it can be done. But to heal both people need to be open and honest. The one that cheated needs to confess they cheated, try to explain what drove them to do it and they need to decide if they are really with the right person. They also need to be willing to take what thier spouse has to say. The other needs to explain how much it hurt them and how the trust has been broken. The one cheated on may need to talk about it on and off for months to help the healing. They may need to cry or be angry or most likely both and the othe needs to put up with it and ask forgiveness. But at the same time the cheated on needs to be willing to give forgiveness. If the couple is truely in love there should be able to forgive the one they love.

    Cheating hurts the trust but it also hurts self respect and ego. Ego is so easily hurt and so hard to repair. The one cheated on starts to wonder whats wrong with them to cause the person they love to turn to someone else. Does their partner really love them, are they that bad in bed? a lot of times it has nothing to do with either of these things but instead a lack of intamacy and communication. Sex between a married couple is something very special that they share and nobody else can experiance it. It’s like a holly temple and when another man or woman steps in it is soiled.

    i don’t know if any of this makes any sence but it’s hard to explain why sex is so protected between a married couple that truely love each other. I guess part of it is because when you take your wedding vows you promise to remain loyal to that person and when you break that it shows disrespect and dishonor to the other, something a marriage needs to survive especially in today world.
    Ok I’m off my soap box now, sorry for all the rambling on.”

    Evil Evil Kitten’s reply:

    “So you’re saying that IN SPITE of all of the loyalty, love, understanding, companionship that your wife gives you on a constant basis and that special bond you share – one little fling would be enough to destroy ALL of that?
    And after 25 years, one little fling would destroy the trust built up between you two. Interesting. Why is that?

    Ah! Now we come to it – ego. Adultery hurts because the ‘wounded’ partner’s ego leads them to question their own self-worth as a sexual partner.

    Well, maybe you aren’t all that good and maybe you are and just maybe the infidelity had nothing to do with you but was a personal failure of your spouse’s or a change in your spouse’s perspective. But if you play the victim, you will never know.

    Perhaps it was their “avoiding wounding your ego” that kept your spouse’s mouth shut in the first place. Rather than addressing an issue to you – he/she ‘consulted’ someone else. I know you’re going to accuse me of blaming the victim but in reality – it happens.

    She doesn’t want sex for whatever reason, refuses to address the issue, he cheats, and she gets all upset – how many times have we heard it? The initial failure was her refusal to address the issue and seek some sort of a compromise. In the absence of her effort, using the above example, she has no right to play the victim now beyond regretting that her husband was human and therefore frail. The husband’s infidelity was the second and subsequent failure – not the primary or casual failure. (Change the genders in the example to suit your needs.)

    Nothing happens in isolation in a marriage.

    Instead of worrying about your precious ego, search for and then fix the causes and stop worrying about the symptoms; adultery is a symptom – not a cause.”

    Goddamn! I love Evil Evil Kitten, so much wisdom and spice. LOVE IT!!!!

  11. The Wet One says:

    More awesomeness from EEK:

    “I have been gleefully married to the best man on earth for more than 30 years. We will remain married until we die. Nothing will change that. In the face of our committment to eachother, the odd affair/fling here and there is not at all important. We are both retired military and have faced the prospect of losing our beloved to enemy action. His words are consistent: “She has to come back. I’m too old to date.” I have to admit that I’d miss him very much.

    In the face of death, the extinction of your beloved, the literal blasting into oblivion and the picking up of body parts of your future together – how could mere adultery ever matter?

    Imagine it. Sit in the dark some night playing Beethoven’s Funeral March and live the ‘identified only by DNA, closed coffin’ end of your marriage. Then try to tell me that having some fling is of any importance.

    We lived with that fear for 20 years. I am not going to cave and neither is he just because some ‘mid-life Barbie/Ken’ came along.

    The point about ego is that your identity, your self-worth has to come from WITHIN yourself and can not depend upon others OUTSIDE of yourself. My husband’s ego does not need me. My ego does not need him. We are not two wrecks frantically clinging onto eachother, needing the other to complete ourselves, but two strong individuals who choose to remain together sharing our lives because we are happiest together.”

    Anyone here hear what she’s saying?

  12. I’m not sure why men consider strip clubs a “fantasy”. It’s not a picture or a video or a book – there’s actually a living, breathing, woman. That’s not a fantasy. There is actually a naked woman on your lap when you get a lap dance.

    • Exactly, I agree. And let’s put it this way, would a guy want his girlfriend stripping for another guy or rubbing her tits in his face? Probably not.

  13. julia ann says:

    How I feel is this: If you are in a relationship, what makes it okay for a woman, other than your partner, to touch you in a sexual way in a strip club if it is wrong to have happen anywhere else?

  14. Some of these places in columbus,ohio are horrible. I went to centerfold club on johnstown road, and it was so sad. I saw at least 6 underage girls that were obviously under the influence of something heavily sedative. I saw track marks on one person, another girl offered illegal favors for change mearly, and the worst of it all the people accepting your money and serving drinks are always enebriated. The owner appears to just play pool the whole time, trying to look like he is ignoring all of the unadultrated acts of indecency behind the curtains. It is a sad show, go and check it out for yourselves if you dont believe me.

  15. of course he wants to be in a committed relationship AND get lap dances. Its called having your cake and eating it too. and it IS cheating, unless your wife knows that you are going and getting lap dances resulting in orgasm (maybe) and is okay with it.

    I don’t know any woman who would be okay with that and if they are, I think its pretty sad what they will put up with, just to keep their man “happy.”

  16. and I wonder how Mr. Strip club would feel about his wife going to ladies club and having a naked man rub his penis all over her lap? THEN, I bet your bottom dollar he would call it cheating.

    BECAUSE IT IS!!! and so is the reverse.

  17. Brejon Reed says:

    So my hubby went to the strip club 2x that I know about, I was pregnant one time and was in a different state both times he went. I didnt find out until almost a year later. He only came clean because I found out by some one else.. I just dont know how to take it. I’m a very beautiful woman & would not think that a guy would have the balls to fantasize about other women on poles, because I’m very well capable of pole riding & turning on other men with my skills if I wanted to. There is definitely some trust issues now because he kept it from me, so what’s to say these are the only secrets. Guys say it’s not a big deal alot of married men go..well thats until your women get even right?

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