Yeesh. Tuesday at The Stir (part of Cafe Mom), Janelle Harris, under the headline Strip Clubs + Cheating = A Natural Combination, argued that she’s “not crazy insecure,” but that she thinks “going to strip clubs is right up there on the cheating scale. As close as 7.9 is to 8—that’s how close I think sitting in a sleazy little den of smutty dancing is to actually carrying out the dirty deed of infidelity.” Wow. There’s more:
All of the pieces for the freaky-deaky equation are right there: mental fantasizing, physical desire, and emotional hot-and-heaviness. And let’s not pretend that, for a few extra bucks, Mercedes, Vanilla, or Delicious won’t momentarily throw their upstanding ethics to the side to perform a little more than a lappy and a pole routine. Private dance my foot. I’ve heard what goes on in those back rooms and if I found out my man was even tarrying around the doorjamb, I’d be ready to set it off Jada Pinkett-Smith–style.
In the book of Janelle, if a guy wants to see other chicks naked, if he wants to run his hands across some other gal’s skin and squeeze on her soft, cushy girl parts, and especially if he wants to give cash in any dollar amount to support her—which is ultimately what sliding 10s and 20s down a G-string or any other place on a stripper’s person is doing—then he can’t seriously want to be in a committed relationship at the same time.
It means he hasn’t gotten all of his wild oats sown in order to settle down and appreciate just one woman. When he’s immersed in happy coupledom, he doesn’t need to get off from being in the presence of other ladies shaking what their mamas gave ’em. Unless, of course, what he has waiting at home just isn’t enough to keep him satisfied.
Just. Wow.
I’ve never been a big fan of strip clubs for a few reasons: First, they’re ridiculously expensive to the point of being personally insulting ($75 cover? Really?). Handing over that kind of money to look at naked women entails a tacit admission that the line between rationality and animality is a lot blurrier than I like to believe it is. I haven’t even walked through the door and I already feel dirty, like I’ve sacrificed a little slice of self-respect.
Second, they’re kinda sad. If you’ve ever been in a strip club at 4 p.m. on a Tuesday (and yes, I have), you know what I mean. I feel bad for the women and I feel bad for the guys who have, in essence, paid for the luxury of being manipulated out even more of their money. It’s a little like watching the guy in front of you at 7-11 blow half his pay check on scratch tickets. (That’s not to say that I haven’t made plenty of choices that that guys who love scratch tickets and strip clubs would find sad—I most certainly have.)
And maybe worst, they’re inherently frustrating—when I was a skirt-chasing single guy, I’d always prefer going to a bar than going to a strip club, because at a bar at least I’d have the chance to flirt with women who aren’t being paid to flirt with me. I’ll take a smile from across the room over a stripper in my lap any day.
With all that said, I’ve paid my share of ridiculous covers, shelled out for lap dances, and had good times hanging out with friends at strip clubs. And I can say with all certainty that you can go to a strip club—and be a participant in all the naughty goings-on—and not be a lecherous, adulterous bastard.
Ladies: You can get a lap dance—and I imagine that most women will probably agree with me here, even if Janelle doesn’t—and “seriously want to be in a committed relationship at the same time.”
According to Janelle’s “freaky-deaky equation,” Mental Fantasizing + Physical Desire + Emotional Hot-and-Heaviness = Cheating.
Seriously? Every adult has fantasies and “physical desire”—and every married person, at one time or another, fantasizes about and has some degree of desire for a person other than their spouse. The question should not be whether these occur, but whether they’re acted on. So, if a guy pays to have sex with a stripper, then yes, he’s cheating. (But if that happens, she’s not a stripper—she’s a prostitute.)
I’m not totally sure what emotional hot-and-heaviness is, but if it’s anything like emotional infidelity, then the problem is not the strip club—it’s your relationship. As far as I’m concerned, after love, trust is the most important ingredient of a successful partnership. If you equate going to a strip club with adultery, you don’t trust your husband. You may have some good reasons for that, but the fact that he went to a strip club isn’t one of them.
It is real simple:husbands who love thier wife do not go to strip clubs,husbands that do not love thier wife goes to strip clubs!
If You are in a commited relationship why do you nees to pay to see other women naked? & Yes a stripper rubbing her naked body on you while you get a boner is cheating. Take your woman out for dinner & drinks then go home & get laid like a real man ffs.
http://darwin.com.pl
It is cheating. And since my love of my life is heading to Atlantic City right now to spend the night with a stripper he met 10 months ago, damn straight it’s bad news. I loved him so much and he just cut him my heart into tiny pieces. I have cliche women’s intuition. I cornered him when he told me he would be gone for the night. I am horribly injured and have to stay in to recover from a herniated disk. I foudn it weird he would leave me here like this. Finally he admitted my worst fears.… Read more »
I’m sorry you’re hurting the way you are. I hope one day soon u realize he’s not worth your tears. Sometimes people look to fulfill certain desires and once they’re fulfilled they realize it was NEVER worth it to behin with. Your boyfriend is a selfish asshole only thinking of himself in the right here right now. I hope he realizes he made the biggest mistake and k as rms bites him in the ass
If you take the money out of the equation, it absolutely is cheating. You are paying another woman to pretend she is sexually interested in you. Sure, some places have no touch policies, meaning you can’t touch the prostitute (let’s call it what it is), but she can certainly touch you, it’s amazing how you can brush your tits in someone’s face by leaning in real close to say something very deliberately in their ear. The reason there isn’t the female equivalent to compare it to is because men would not stand for their women cheating on them. It is… Read more »
So my hubby went to the strip club 2x that I know about, I was pregnant one time and was in a different state both times he went. I didnt find out until almost a year later. He only came clean because I found out by some one else.. I just dont know how to take it. I’m a very beautiful woman & would not think that a guy would have the balls to fantasize about other women on poles, because I’m very well capable of pole riding & turning on other men with my skills if I wanted to.… Read more »
Thank you for exposing this for what it is…….nothing but prostitution cloaked to suit the scumbags of society.
and I wonder how Mr. Strip club would feel about his wife going to ladies club and having a naked man rub his penis all over her lap? THEN, I bet your bottom dollar he would call it cheating.
BECAUSE IT IS!!! and so is the reverse.
of course he wants to be in a committed relationship AND get lap dances. Its called having your cake and eating it too. and it IS cheating, unless your wife knows that you are going and getting lap dances resulting in orgasm (maybe) and is okay with it.
I don’t know any woman who would be okay with that and if they are, I think its pretty sad what they will put up with, just to keep their man “happy.”
Bingo
Some of these places in columbus,ohio are horrible. I went to centerfold club on johnstown road, and it was so sad. I saw at least 6 underage girls that were obviously under the influence of something heavily sedative. I saw track marks on one person, another girl offered illegal favors for change mearly, and the worst of it all the people accepting your money and serving drinks are always enebriated. The owner appears to just play pool the whole time, trying to look like he is ignoring all of the unadultrated acts of indecency behind the curtains. It is a… Read more »
How I feel is this: If you are in a relationship, what makes it okay for a woman, other than your partner, to touch you in a sexual way in a strip club if it is wrong to have happen anywhere else?
I’m not sure why men consider strip clubs a “fantasy”. It’s not a picture or a video or a book – there’s actually a living, breathing, woman. That’s not a fantasy. There is actually a naked woman on your lap when you get a lap dance.
Exactly, I agree. And let’s put it this way, would a guy want his girlfriend stripping for another guy or rubbing her tits in his face? Probably not.
More awesomeness from EEK: “I have been gleefully married to the best man on earth for more than 30 years. We will remain married until we die. Nothing will change that. In the face of our committment to eachother, the odd affair/fling here and there is not at all important. We are both retired military and have faced the prospect of losing our beloved to enemy action. His words are consistent: “She has to come back. I’m too old to date.” I have to admit that I’d miss him very much. In the face of death, the extinction of your… Read more »
Here’s a great example of Evil Evil Kitten’s straigh talk from the above hyperlinked thread: Comment: “Ok here’s my first post and boy did I pick one to jump in on. So far I have seen where some think having sex with someone other than your spouse is no big deal. I’ve seen post saying we don’t stay together for love but for property gains instead. I have been married for 25 years and I can say I love my wife more today than I did last year. Every year my love for her grows stronger. We have never really… Read more »
WHat? Wait a sec there former dancer. What attention did you give to the men? For my part, my strip club days are over. I don’t live in the right area and yeah, the cost is too high. Also, seeing prostitutes is waaaay cheaper with far more bang for the buck. Being a reasonably experienced strip club goer, I’d say it’s cheating for MOST PEOPLE if you go to get a lapdance. There’s definitely hands on naughty bits at the clubs I’ve been to, even the ones where there’s a no touch rule. That said, I’ve been to plenty of… Read more »
I was a stripper, many years ago. And I pitied the wives and girlfriends whose husbands and boyfriends were paying me to bare it all for them.
From my perspective, it IS adultery. It’s using another woman to find some sort of sexual satisfaction and to have some sort of sexual communication.
I would never stay with a man who visits strip clubs. I would rather live out my life alone than live with a man who went to other women for that kind of attention.
I may get in trouble for saying this but, I’ve been happily married with my husband for 10 years now, and I’m not anti-strip clubs. In fact, I’ve gone to strip clubs with him + a group of our friends in the past. It’s never bothered me when he went to strip clubs with his friends without me. I don’t believe people cheat because they are exposed to temptation or sexuality. I believe people cheat because they simply value the prospect of adulterous sex over the cost of losing their relationship. I’ve bought lap dances for my husband and he’s… Read more »
Nah, you won’t get in trouble. I think you’re right. If you look at all these comments, I think we’d all agree that honesty is key.
I think you’re right about being worried if you’re husband started going to strip clubs on a regular basis, and I think you’re right about this, too: << If you feel insecure about your husband going to strip clubs, then he should be willing to give up visiting strip clubs.>>
Anonymous, I’m replying to a comment you made last April in regard to whether or not going to a strip club is cheating. I’ve never thought of it this way before, as I too have attended strip clubs with my husband. However, what if he goes with a client and gets a lap dance (which he has before– not many times, but just after his work xmas parties on occasion — and has always told me) and touches the girls boobs. I know my husband gets excited just thinking about something and looking at naked girls (i.e. in an R… Read more »
I find you are very tolerant of your husband’s behaviour. I would be super pissed if my husband touched another woman’s boobs. To me, that crosses the line and would totally be considered cheating. Would he like it if you touched some other guy’s penis? Probably not. If he’s asking for permission to do that, I would offer him that same scenario and see how he feels about it. Fairly certain he would not be cool about it. Recently, my husband’s best friend got married and they went for his bachelor party. My husband isn’t really a fan of strip… Read more »
I’m actually not very tolerant of my husband’s strip club visit. It was eight months ago today and I am still pissed (yes, I remember the date!) I have no proof that he touched a woman’s boobs, and he swears nothing happened, but of course I will never know for sure. He got unusually drunk (or possibly drugged — yes drugged!) that night and blacked out. He remembers what happened before strip club, but nothing after — doesn’t even remember how he got to train. This sort of thing NEVER happens to my husband and he has always been honest… Read more »
Thank you. I’ve been looking for someone to say it’s not cheating since my boyfriend goes to them and I don’t really like it but I don’t think it’s cheating. A man is gonna be a man and it actually turns me on as long as he doesn’t like about going.
The definition of cheating differs in every relationship. In my relationship, looking at porn is a form of cheating. I don’t care if a single guys look at it, but if a guy is in a relationship with me, especially with a healthy sex life, there is no reason he should retreat to porn with me around. And if you feel bad for me and think I won’t ever find a guy, I’ve been with my fiance for almost four years, and he’s had no problem giving up porn for me. I stated this at the beginning of our relationship,… Read more »
Great point, Amber! Every couple has define their own boundaries, and then respect them. I don’t personally have a problem with strip clubs or porn, but that’s just me. I wouldn’t begin to tell another couple where to set their own limits. As long as everybody is honest and on the same page, who cares what page it is?
Exactly. Arguing about what is and what is not cheating is pointless – unless you’re arguing with your partner about your own relationship. There’s no gold standard, trying to invent one and hold it up to convince your partner won’t do anyone any good. Relationship boundaries, including what is and what is not cheating, is something every relationship should talk about and agree. It doesn’t matter what the rules are, it matters they are there and understood. In some relationships, looking at another man or woman or at naked people in magazines is cheating. In my marriage my wife can… Read more »
I read the Good Men Project to learn about what it means to be a good man. There is nothing about going to a strip club that says ‘good man’ to me. Same for porn. There is just no reason for a man in a loving, close relationship with his wife to go to a strip club. Whatever he’s hoping to get should be got from his wife. For that matter, I don’t think that single men should be at strip clubs either. People will live their lives, but I find it incredibly disrespectful. Just think for a moment –… Read more »
I agree with you on the first paragraph. The second paragraph, I definitely have mixed feelings because on the one hand chippendales are definitely not an equivalent to male strip clubs, but on the other hand, I don’t wish to shove my morals down some guy’s throat and tell him he’s a bad man because he visits a strip club (with the assumption he’s single).
Unless both husband and wife go to this strip club, or the wife consents to her man going; otherwise, there’s a problem if the guy goes when the woman does not approve.
Why is it never problematic or discussed when women are at Chippendale shows/Bachelorette parties… I mean if it is an egalitarian society we’re striving for isn’t it therefore possible for women to have the same capacity to “cheat” in the given situation? It just seems to me that women are always the “authority” on what is and what isn’t cheating. Often times parameters are based on the assumption that men are insatiable in their desires to have sex with as many women as possible.
If it’s a problem, let’s discuss it! The same applies for women. When I said in my comment that I’m one of those women who think going to strip clubs is “one g-string away from cheating”, I make the assumption that I would hold myself to the same standards in a relationship. In fact, this kind of brings up a good point. Perhaps some women find it problematic because there really isn’t an equivalent for women to “enjoy”. I don’t think women get lap dances from men. Additionally, when a woman is watching a male stripper, the illusion of “arousal”… Read more »
But where is the assumption that any or all of those activities are taking place at a strip club coming from. I’m not here to defend strip clubs because I just enjoy them that much, but I’m sure most men who go just enjoy viewing then female form. Also, how is what you outlined any different from women fantasizing about other men or reading erotica? I’ve read numerous articles where women have been told that it is ok or even encouraged to fantasize about other men during sex to help them achieve orgasm. Can that not be a form of… Read more »
Clark, a man looking at porn would be the equivalent of a woman reading erotica. . . Now if a guy’s wife/GF was acting out the scenes in her romance novel with a real live man, instead of just imagining it, that would be a true comparison to the interactions that take place in a strip club with real live naked women. Men are visual, women are tactile, touch turns them on. In order for her to get as turned on as he is by the visuals in a strip club, tender kissing, making out, romance/erotica type stuff with her… Read more »
Because women don’t get the same “thrill” you all get from looking at nakedness.
I couldn’t give a hoot about some naked dude humping the air in front of me. I actually might find it annoying.
Seems natural to me that adults have desires, and whether browsing porn, masturbating, or visiting a strip club, those desires often play out in ways that don’t completely involve their partner. Like the commenter said above, it’s about trust and honesty and not crossing lines. Or spending too much money! But equating any of those activities to actually having sex with another person seems a gross exaggeration to me. Though I’m a man of fairly liberal morals headed straight to hell, so what do I know?
I’ll admit, I’m one of those women that have felt going to strip clubs is about one g-string away from cheating. But I think ultimately, how each couple defines all of this, and how women feel about it, does come down to trust. There’s no definitive line here, it’s a gray area, and one that should be handled with care. Take the boyfriend or husband who frequents strip clubs when he says he’s somewhere else. Whether or not he does so because his girlfriend or wife doesn’t like this (has he even asked?) is not relevant. In such a case,… Read more »
I’ll admit, I’ve done this… and might still do it. Each time I’ve said I’m not going to anymore, I get tempted and go “one last time” to a club and get a lap dance. As much as I’d love to rationalize it and as much as I think it’s better than a full on sex fling, I think this is right. The key is not necessarily the act. May wife has actually laughed at the idea of me in a strip club and at one time, we were in one and she was the one slipping dollars in garters,… Read more »
Yeah…I think strip clubs are gross, & problematic…but not infidelity. A lap dance is probably crossing the line, though– it is my understanding that they are basically dry humping? I have never had one, & only been to a handful of strip clubs a handful of times, but that wouldn’t be kosher between me & my monogamous SO. Is going to a strip club the same thing as infidelity? Naw, & neither is looking at pornography. Of course, every couple is going to define their own boundaries– & they should. Nothing wrong with that, & if Janelle Harris says you… Read more »
Here’s what I don’t get. Why is it ok for a guy to go to s trip club, but if his lady is good looking enough to be a stripper, she’s cheating?? My BF and I got into an argument once because he asked me if it would be cool if he went to a strip club with his buddies. I told him sure, on one condition. I get to go to “Amateur Night” the following week and try my hand at making a few bucks. He seemed to think that was an unfair trade. I disagree. He wants a… Read more »
this is so true… i told my husband ok, its cool you if you watch, but if you enjoy that so much then i should try stripping and making some money too.. maybe he can throw me some bills too. They like skanky girls, and they want a respectful housewife at home.
Is like they like watching naked woman a drull, but if a guy drulls over us we are being whores!
Man and their hypocritical manhood. be equal boys