Image of gummy bears courtesy of Shutterstock

Gummy bears are marvellous creatures, created by geniuses to taste delicious and be perfectly chewy. Josh Bowman shares his thoughts on these remarkable beasts.

1. Gummy bears are dashing, daring, courageous, and caring. But they are also serious drug users. Stay away from Gummi Berry Juice kids.
2. Gummy bears teach kids to bite the heads off animals. It is fun and delicious. Ozzy got a lot of flack, but we should have been going after Maynards this whole time.
3. I’ve always found that gummy bears packages are slightly greasier than other candies (Fuzzy Peaches, Cherry Blasters, and so on). I don’t know why, but it is consistently unsettling.
4. Either you like the softer North American gummy bears, or you prefer the chewier European Gummibären (originally invented in Germany, mostly sold by Haribo). There is no in-between.
5. No date is with a gay American soldier is complete without some delicious gummy bears.
6. Be careful with gummy bears. They may cause tooth decay!
7. You can make annoying novelty albums about anything.
8. Gummy bears make an excellent watermelon substitute if you are the kind of person who likes to soak things in vodka and then slurp it out in order to get sloppy drunk and ruin your mouth.
9. You can put gummy bears in ice cream or frozen yogurt, and they taste like gummy bears, only colder and harder. Then, you can look at yourself in a mirror for a full minute, sigh, and slowly head to bed to lie down and think about the kind of life you lead.
10. I still eat gummy bears, because they are delicious. I hope the day never comes when I can no longer enjoy chewy candies make from cow hooves.

Image of gummy bears courtesy of Shutterstock