Ten Things I’ve Learned From Having A Penis

  1. Adjusting is a critical action throughout a man’s day. You don’t want your balls to get crushed, you don’t want to sit on your balls, you don’t want anything getting too warm/sweaty/itchy/squishy/bumpy/inappropriately erect.
  2. Most of my other body parts don’t care too much if I pay attention to them. They are like having lizards for pets. They just lounge around, doing their lizard-y things. A hand will pick something up…”opposable thumbs, no big deal.” A bum is just a nice pillow, it sticks to its knitting. A penis, on the other hand, does everything it can to get in the way. You have to be aware of it when you’re playing sports, because God forbid a ball hits it! A basketball hits your shoulder, it’s like…whatever. But your penis makes such a big deal! And then, even when you’re just sitting on the bus, it’ll sometimes poke up and say “hi” for no goddamn reason at all.
  3. There are people who think shaving their balls is a good idea. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in favour of trimming, but my experience with shaving is…well….just don’t do it. That’s my advice. Not without a trained professional around. Balls are generally just hanging sacks of loose skin. Does it make any sense to put an unguarded razor anywhere near those balls?
  4. It makes me very uncomfortable to think of sharp things around my penis. Knives, needles, pins, whatever. Chainsaws. So I really can’t understand people who get a Prince Albert.
  5.   I am pro-circumcision. For men. I have to clarify…I’m anti-circumcision for women. Let me clarify further…I’m not pro- mandatory circumcision for everybody, but I’m fine with boys being circumcised. Also, isn’t the WHO also pro-circumcision? Who am I to argue with the WHO? They wrote “Tommy.”
  6. As men, we spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about the size of our penises, but I think it’s true that size doesn’t matter, as long as you can find another thing to be proud of. So, maybe you have girth. Or it’s incredibly straight. Or maybe you can do a special thing with it, like…a muscle thing…where you kind of focus, and you can sort of make it bounce…guys, you know what I’m talking about here.
  7. 10 year old boys don’t necessarily need a full and graphic sex talk, but they do need to be shown an illustration that shows an illustration of a penis and a photograph of sweatpants with a huge red circle around them and a red diagonal line through. That picture would have saved me so much torment…….
  8. We guys often treat our penises poorly. We don’t give them the respect they deserve. So a message to the men out there: please, if you love your penis, masturbate with respect. Avoid the Kung Fu grip.
  9. When teenage boys are in pools, and they press up against the jets…it’s because they like how it feels. I’ve done it, every guy has done it let’s face it. That action is the purest expression of our core motivation, our id. We want to press up against things because we like how it feels. Wars have been won and lost thanks to this behaviour.
  10. Sometimes you go pee and the pee comes out in two streams instead of one for the first little while, and you get confused. It’s ok. The flow was probably just disrupted because of some hardened ejaculate or other material! Either that or you have a bifurcated penis, like a snake’s tongue!!  (the more you know…ba ba ba)

This post originally Appeared at TenThingsI’veLearned 

Photo courtesy of victoriapeckham

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About Josh Bowman

Josh Bowman is a professional fundraiser, story-teller, comedian, and blogger. He has worked and consulted in Vancouver, New York, and now Toronto for almost a decade. Josh improvises around Toronto, including regular shows with Opening Night Theatre, and also blogs for the Huffington Post. You can email Josh or follow him on Twitter. If you want to submit a guestpost or know more about Josh, check this post and this post out first.

Comments

  1. “5. I am pro-circumcision. For men. I have to clarify…I’m anti-circumcision for women. Let me clarify further…I’m not pro- mandatory circumcision for everybody, but I’m fine with boys being circumcised. ”

    Unless your position is that the boy himself (and no one else) gets to choose whether or not he will be circumcised and, if so, when – that’s being pro-mandatory circumcision. That is, someone other than the person himself is mandating that he be circumcised.

    “9. When teenage boys are in pools, and they press up against the jets…it’s because they like how it feels. I’ve done it, every guy has done it let’s face it. That action is the purest expression of our core motivation, our id. We want to press up against things because we like how it feels. Wars have been won and lost thanks to this behaviour.”

    First time I’ve ever heard of this.

  2. “I’m not pro- mandatory circumcision for everybody, but I’m fine with boys being circumcised. ”

    You’re circumcised. Of course you’d be in favour of it.

    So are a lot of circumcised women.

    In favour of circumcision for women that is.

    • Just so we’re all on the same page.

      This is what’s deemed acceptable to the OP:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmX6RdRNoqk

      A procedure in which an infant boy is strapped down to a board, a metal probe is inserted between the lips of his foreskin and the glans of his penis, it is used to tear the foreskin from the penis glans (during infancy, the foreskin and glans are fused, so that to remove a foreskin you have to detach it from the glans by tearing them apart, like detaching a nail from a nailed) then, and only then, can the foreskin be severed from the child’s body.

      Only a fraction of infant boys undergoing this procedure receive anything for the pain(which can cause them to go into shock, to vomit on themselves and to go catatonic) and not a single one receives sufficient anaesthesia to remove all pain.

  3. Anthony Zarat says:

    Circumcision … some facts:

    1) Female victims of circumcision report similar sexual satisfaction, and are able to reach orgasm at rates similar to, uncircumcised women.
    2) Male victims of circumcision report similar sexual satisfaction, and are able to reach orgasm at rates similar to, uncircumcised men.

    See the problem?

    • What is the citation for number 1?

      I don’t request for #2, because I have anecdotal evidence supporting number 2, but none for #1, as I am not a member of a society which regularly practices female circumcision.

  4. Dennis Gouws says:

    Circumcision is wrong. A boy has a right to all of his healthy body, and how he experiences it should be his choice–not the choice of a parent, a religious leader, a government, a philanthropist, or a doctor. Boys deserve the dignity of genital integrity.

  5. Hi all,

    Thanks for the feedback on my article, although no comments about sweatpants? Or my “Who” joke? Ok.

    I can’t say I’m surprised about #5 being controversial, and I don’t want to get into that argument, because that’s a one-way ticket to Danger Town. What I can say is that I’m a Jewish guy, and a circumcised guy, and those things inform my perspective. I honestly do appreciate the feedback, though. As jokey as my post is, I do take the issue seriously.

    • Frankly I’d be happy with some consistencyu in your position. Your #4 makes no sense in light of #5 (or vice versa)

    • Peter Houlihan says:

      As a Jewish guy, did you have a choice when it came to your briss?

      If adult men decide they want to get bits cut off them… fine. Their call. Doing that to kids isn’t ok, theres nothing ok about it.

  6. I prefer uncircumcised. The circumcised ones are prone to pound away like jackhammers with a single speed setting. It is because of decreased sensitivity? I don’t know. Uncircumcised men, in my experience, use more varied forms of motion and thrust in a way that results in greater clitoral stimulation. Since none of us here are living in huts in an HIV ravaged country (the WHO recommends circumcision because of the reduced risk of HIV transmission), I see no reason to inflict such a wound on infants.

    • There must be decreased sensitivity, Ive heard from uncirced men that the exposed penis head feels pain when brushing against clothing. From the way they describe it, it seems the sensation is similar to rubbing a papercut?
      Whereas we circed men can have our glans penis rubbing all day long without discomfort in our underwear.

      The interior of the mouth, the anus, the vagina are alot smoother than clothing… And as the usual mechanism for ejaculation in men is friction. There must be decrease sensitivity. Plus i wonder if childhood circ’s retards the development of the full complement of nerve endings in the exposed penis head

  7. I am pro-circumcision. For men. I have to clarify…I’m anti-circumcision for women. Let me clarify further…I’m not pro- mandatory circumcision for everybody, but I’m fine with boys being circumcised.
    [snip]
    We guys often treat our penises poorly. We don’t give them the respect they deserve.

    There is a spectrum of precirced penis glans sensitivities. I suspect mine had low sensitivity, and removing the foreskin reduced the sensitivity further.
    My own wonderful circed penis head is as sensitive as a finger nail. Really, rub a pen lightly over your fingernail – thats what im feeling. Aint that great, wonderful, smashing? I can barely even feel when im entering someone.
    The clown doc took my frenulum(sp) and all of the interior foreskin too

    We guys often treat our penises poorly. We don’t give them the respect they deserve.
    yup

  8. #7 brought back horrible memories of junior high and using my Trapper Keeper as a visual deterrent to the end result of me fantasizing about the girl in front of me during English class. Hysterical and painful memories all at once!

  9. I am anti-circumcision. It violates human rights when preformed on infants/children. It is a potential human rights violation when preformed on adults. FYI I love my foreskin.

  10. John Brown says:

    LOL @ “I am pro-circ” followed by “we treat our penises poorly”. Get your head checked

  11. Infant circumcisions are done with a sharp object… So it makes you uncomfortable to think of sharp objects around YOUR penis, but not uncomfortable at all to think of an infant being restrained and having part of his penis removed with a sharp object?
    Yeah. Makes total sense. :o/

  12. Hi y’all, I’m coming up with a response. Thanks for the feedback!!

  13. Josh, I really appreciate your willingness to accept comments. I’m hoping there can be an open dialogue here. Also, I think I agree with 6 and 7, and I’m pretty sure that 4 and 5 cancel each other out in some kind of terrifying, sci-fi vortex.

  14. Hi all,

    So all of these comments got me thinking, and I wrote a response:
    http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/cutting-through-the-circumcision-rhetoric/

    For the record, I did a lot of thinking about many of the points that were made (and appreciate the feedback), but I also wanted to discuss the language around this topic. I believe that there are many valid points here, but I also want to draw attention to how we phrase the debate.

    Anyway, really do appreciate the thoughts and the discussion…

  15. I thought this was a pretty funny/cool article. Also, this:

    “Or maybe you can do a special thing with it, like…a muscle thing…where you kind of focus, and you can sort of make it bounce…guys, you know what I’m talking about here.”

    As a woman, when I discovered that men could do this, I was mesmerized.

    • Me too. I was completely amazed and all I wanted to do was play with his penis all day long. I’m not sure if it’s the male Kegel or something… but whatever it is it’s awesome.

  16. Ethically, how can you oppose female circumcision and be in favour of male circumcision?
    If something is wrong to do ti a baby girl, it’s wrong to do to a baby boy.

    I was circumcised as an infant and knew know better until i had sex with an intact man. Being gay introduced me to what I lost.
    On average, intact men take longer to ejaculate.

    But let us consider these statistics. In the UK, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, France, Netherlands, Italy, Germany fewer than 10% of men are circumcised.
    In the U.S, 90% of men are circumcised.
    The rate of HIV infection in the U.S is over double (0.06%) that of the European nations mentioned above (0.01-0.02%). Yet circumfetishists say amputaiton of the foreskin reduces HIV transmission. Clearly, it does not.

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