Note: This is our response to a Ten Things Not to Say to Single Girls on Idatedthatdouche.com.
- You just need to get laid.
- Why are you still hung up on her? You broke up like 2 weeks ago bro!
- Are you gay? (if you are gay: “you must be getting laid all the time, cause it’s way easier with dudes right?”)
- You just need to go out more.
- You should date my work friend! He/She has a great personality!
- You just need to lose some weight/you just need to pack on some muscle.
- You are such a nice guy! Any girl/guy would be so happy to date you! (often said by mothers/platonic female friends)
- You are probably so busy with all your hobbies you don’t have time to date.
- “Hey, you want to join my girlfriend and I for dinner and a movie?” “Hey, you want to come over for a dinner party? It will be three couples and you! Don’t worry about bringing food…you can buy juice or pop if you like. For yourself.”
- You went out to dinner….by yourself?!?
Also read: Ten Comedies from the 1980’s That Hold Up- And Five That Don’t
Photo of man with bear courtesy of Shutterstock
“You just need to get laid. ” The statement really perplexes me. Is it saying that going out there and getting casual sex is a well accepted norm so that it is almost a default that a single guy would immediately be encouraged to partake in? It perplexes me because in other contexts it seems as if casual sex is a little bit outside the norm (even for men) and that rather than being something one “just” does that there is actually no generally accepted manner of interacting with the opposite sex to obtain casual sex (not something which one… Read more »
The first one (1.) does not add up in my brain. You mean start dating and get some? I’m sure that many single guys have that intention but you know that does require some communication and doesn’t always just happen. You mean go have a one night stand? Well I’m not sure every guy is looking for that believe it or not.
I’m married, but I defend single people all of the time. What’s this need for others to try to “fix” other people with their own “solutions”? How about the next time you get the need to do a verbal intervention just do this…SHUT UP!
The most irritating thing to say to a single guy is “man up.”
So what would be some helpful things to say instead? And I’m talking about specifically when single guys are either genuinely soliciting help or casually griping about their singledom. I’m not one to go play matchmaker with my single friends but I have been in the position of the “platonic female friend who is already spoken for” with some of my male friends. I don’t know what to say that’s not on this list.
So give me some “If (not) this, then that” alternatives.
KKZ, Here are some suggestions: 1. Well, there’s always porn. 2. At least you’re not hooked up with that hateful beyotch (insert name of hateful beyotch here). 3. Be thankful you’ve got your health, and don’t live in Somalia. 4. Can we talk about football? 5. Monks seem to lead happy, productive lives. 6. There’s someone out there for everyone! Your perfect woman just might live in Samoa though. 7. There is so much drama in relationships. You might be happier living a solitary life. 8. Can we talk about baseball? 9. Sleep more. You just might meet the woman… Read more »
I think the key part of the list is to not say them when they DON’T ask. If they ask, then give helpful suggestions, just be yourself.
I didn’t pick up on that context. Honestly I usually don’t think too much about whether or not my guy friends are single unless they make a point of mentioning it. Then again, I have a relatively small social circle and most of the guys in it are in LTRs so maybe I just haven’t had enough exposure.
I’d say if they ask for help, try to be honest and straightforward. If they’re griping there are a lot of different possible reasons for this, anything from trying to elicit sympathy to just needing to vent to a friend/confidant(e) to looking for advice but not wanting to ask directly. If you think you know the impetus for their griping then it’s up to you how to react (obviously). Basically the ten statements in the OP fall into four main categories of problematicality 1) dismissing challenges in the listener’s life as irrelevant or trivial 2) assuming that the listener wants… Read more »
I love being single. I haven’t gotten any of the typical comments. I think I put a stop to them by being so openly and outwardly delighted at my single status. 🙂
Piggybacking off number 3 is “Why do all the good ones have to be gay?/Ugh why can’t you be straight?”
These are the two most annoying ones I heard while single. 1. If “all the good ones” are gay, you should probably stop hanging out exclusively in gay bars and start meeting straight guys for once. 2. If I/all the gay guys were straight, what makes you think we’d be interested in you romantically?
Why would any single guy NOT want to hear number 5? The worst thing that could happen is that you go out on a date and don’t make a connection. So you wasted an hour of your life that you could have been drinking shots and listening to George Jones. I have asked co-workers and platonic women friends to hook me up, and generally the response I get is “I don’t do that.” Replace #5 with “You should go on Match.com or eharmony.”
For the same reason that your friends refused to do it for you: we’ve been down that path. We’ve seen where it leads.
The maxim ‘Don’t s*** where you eat’ comes to mind.
Soullite, If you are talking about having them set you up with someone IN the workplace, you are absolutely right. But I don’t see how that path is different from the one that comes from meeting someone in a bar, or church for that matter. A friend knows you, and the person they are trying to set you up with. What does a dating site base compatibility on? Whether you smoke or not? I am guessing the main reason that people don’t want to match make, is that THEY will be seen as making a judgement on what league you,… Read more »
I agree with Soulite, I now make it a point not to date friends of friends (there are a couple of people whose I will date, but they are the exception rather than the rule). There’s way too much gossip and jealousy and expectations involved to work. And then there’s that awkward phase where your friend may or may not know all the intimate details of your last date or sexual encounter without even talking to you. And what that says about your friendship with that person in comparison to your date’s friendship with him or her.
Well said Michael! A couple years back I dated a great woman within “the group” but for that very reason I couldn’t really take it further. Definitely too much chatter within the circle and it almost lacked the excitement I had experienced with randomly meeting women.
I think it was a reference to “He/She has a great personality” which is often code-talk for “is not very attractive.”
Either that or implying that single guys don’t always like it when their friends play matchmaker for them, unless it’s solicited.
There is always the “What is wrong with you?” question.
As a single woman in my late 30s, I get that all the time.
Men rarely get that one. We’re supposed do the pursuing, so when we’re single, people assume that they ‘know’ what’s wrong with us. If we’re extroverts, people ‘know’ that we’re a cad who didn’t take women seriously enough. If we’re introverts, people ‘know’ that we were too shy, and didn’t put ourselves out there.
One thing they’ll never do is assume that anyone could LIKE being single. That’s just crazy talk!
I know it’s funny how people just “know” things. I wander why anyone bothers to study psychology given that the average person is completely psychic.
“What’s wrong with you?”
I never get this one! Does that mean all my friends, acquaintances and family know what’s wrong with me, and just won’t share it?
The core presumption underlying most of these comments (and those to single women too) is that singlehood is a “problem” to be solved. Nobody needed to compile a list of things not to say to married friends, for example.
They’re not exactly pleasant to hear even when singlehood is a problem for the person in question (other than maybe #5).
Exactly! If I had a dollar for every comment from people trying to “fix” my single status . . .