Is the father who wrote a ‘bucket list’ for his dying daughter unusual because of his sensitivity and hope?
I watch the online news very closely for this job at The Good Feed Blog. Throughout the day I click through a usual routine of Reuters, AP News Feed, NYT, LA Times, Washington Post and CNN, scanning for “man-related news”.
The past few days I’ve been actively avoiding one story: The “Bucket List Baby” – about a baby with a terminal illness whose parents made her a hope-filled list of things they planned for her to do in her life, which they’d hoped would be longer than the 2 years her doctors said she wouldn’t live past, due to a disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy, Type 1.
I was avoiding it not because I don’t have compassion for the child or her brave and hopeful parents Mike and Laura. I avoided it because I too am a parent, and I tend to obsess on the worst things that can happen to children; I play them through my mind too much, especially dreadful, heart-wrenching things. I think this is normal for parents, I’ve even heard it referred to as the “God Forbids”…
And this story didn’t seem to have relevance to our ongoing conversations about what makes a good man in the 21st Century, so I had no good reason to force myself to read it and cry, as I knew I would if I did.
But today I gave in when I saw the headline, “Baby With ‘Bucket List’ Dies.” I read it. And of course I cried. She’s passed away at only 6 months old.
But that’s not why I’m blogging about it here on the GFB. I’m blogging about it because of this:
The blog began as an efficient way to keep family and close friends in touch about their baby’s health. But when the father came upon the idea of writing a “bucket list” for his Avery — a list of things to do before death, normally drafted for adults — his blog went viral and now has 2.4 million page views.
The “bucket list” is so sensitively penned that many of his readers are convinced that it’s mom, not dad, typing the entries, he said.
“A lot of people, when they post on there, they say, ‘you and your husband.’ They obviously assume Laura is writing it,” he said.
And there it is.
It is sensitively written, it is thoughtful, it is emotional. How, in our society, have we gotten to a place where we cannot believe a man would, or could, write like this?
This is a father. This is a man’s dying daughter. Of course he is sensitive, and thoughtful, and emotional.
Is Mike Canahuati exceptional? Perhaps in his ability to write so compellingly he is. And he is obviously a wonderful father.
But is he exceptional in that love? In the expression of that love? Certainly not.
What do you think?
Our deepest condolences go out to Avery’s family.
Read Avery’s Bucket List here, and help her parents spread the word about SMA.
Photo courtesy of Avery’s Bucket List
About Joanna Schroeder
“It is sensitively written, it is thoughtful, it is emotional. How, in our society, have we gotten to a place where we cannot believe a man would, or could, write like this?”
1. “Scientific” gender studies that “prove” that men are somehow emotionally deficient or we have low emotional intelligence or whatever.
2. The portrayal of men in the media as brutes and villains and monsters.
Forget Bach and Vivaldi. Forget Poe and Chaucer. Forget Michelangelo and Picasso. It’s kind of surprising when you remember that men have feelings, huh?
What do we do about it Jimmy? I’m a person who is offended by those assumptions too. I know countless men who are sensitive, artists, writers, lovers, amazing men, boys, fathers, uncles, brothers etc etc and etc and I know countless women who also get it. Men are human. Women are human.
So what do we do instead of snark? Who should we go talk to Jimmy? Instead of us all complaining here in the comments, what articles are you writing? Who should we write to to complain?
Well said, very well said.
I’m not convinced Jimmy was just snarking off. I’m more of a mind that he was answering what might have been a rhetorical question perhaps, but what he says is true.
Now as what to do about it:
1. Challenging this “proof” is going to be a hard go. People defend their precious gender studies (may as well be called “how men f’d up the world and how women are the only ones that can fix it”) to the death.
2. This will probably be even harder than challenging the first thing.
The only real way these two things will be challenged and corrected is by some way of overcoming the people who actively hold onto these beliefs because they benefit from them. As for the names that Jimmy lists off its a sign that things went very wrong somewhere along the line. If this had been last 17th century and a dad had written that he people wouldn’t be doubting it like they are with this dad.
I myself saw this story a few days ago (before she died) and was trying to think of something to say but I just couldn’t. I still might later.
“It’s kind of surprising when you remember that men have feelings, huh?”
You wanna know the fucked up part? While this was half intended as a rueful jest, it even surprises me when men show emotion. That’s how deeply ingrained the idea that men are just monsters without feelings has become. This message has only been around in the past 50 years but it has been crammed down our throats until it started coming out our ears. Hell, I even surprise myself when I feel.
I don’t know who we talk to. Not very many people seem interested in changing the way things are. I think most people like the way things are or they just blindly go along with it and nod.
I complain in here because I can’t out there. Because when I complain out there it gets scary real quick. I get attacked and loudly. And soon there is a group of people treating me like I’m some monster just because I care about men’s issues. So I don’t complain out there. I talk here where it’s safe.
I don’t write articles. I write poetry. But don’t tell anyone because they won’t believe you.
I write poetry too, Jimmy. So keep writing. Don’t back down in showing it.
Damn straight on what you say there Jimmy.
For the past year I’ve been trying to find some creative outlet that would help me find the parts of my voice that were either locked away or died off ages ago (and speaking of emotional expression I haven’t cried in 10 years, my mother died 8 years ago, yeah…). And honestly I haven’t had much luck of it.
If poetry is your voice then use it. I know there have been “posts” that have been submitted here before that were actually poems.
Go for it.
Jimmy, I agree with Danny. Please feel free to submit poems to me. Email me, lisa@goodmenproject.com
Poetry was how I learned to talk.
Damn straight, we all need to find ways to communicate in which we can be heard.
Ok I will.
So, Jimmy, this brings up a really good point about talking about issues.
I totally get that you can’t talk about your complaints in the world at large because people get mad at you. And I’m glad you feel really safe here to talk about them.
But I feel I have to draw attention to one word: complain.
I think that no change is made by making complaints. There are enough complainers. Change really happens when you start to identify problems, vocalize them, and try to find solutions.
There are enough complainers, and people close their ears to it. If your voice is angry, if you generalize and make overwhelming emotional statements, it’s going to be hard to help people understand where you’re coming from.
But an honest, open, constructive conversation will do that.
Just my two cents.
You’re right that there are more than enough complainers and sweeping generalizations don’t help anyone. I didn’t mean for my voice to come across angry. Bitter? Jaded? Resigned? yes, but not angry.
Nice article.
Forget Bach and Vivaldi. Forget Poe and Chaucer. Forget Michelangelo and Picasso. It’s kind of surprising when you remember that men have feelings, huh?
I think this is a sign of something that many people are loath to do. It would require looking to the past and actually recognizing that “the old days” actually had some good elements to them. In the past men were apparently able to creat passionate, thoughtful, and sensitive literature, music, and art.
But the big roadblock to that is going to be the association that has been created and that a lot of folks buy into. The very mention of looking to the past leads to people automatically presuming that the only reason they look back to the past is because they support oppressing women.
It’s like the sensitive, caring, thoughful nature of men is locked behind a door and some people, out of fear of men unlocking that door and finding parts of ourselves that we may want to embrace and complete ourselves with, don’t want us to figure out how to open it.
If I had time today, I’d list out all the names of the men I know and have worked with in Austin whose talent and vision defies whatever stereotypes these are. Also, there are hundreds of names of writers, poets, musicians, film makers, ethicists, doctors, physical therapists ad nauseum that are out there making amazing things happen in the world.
There are people who are bold and courageous in their art and work, embracing their feelings and vulnerability. That they may not be celebrated on Fox news or CNN says much about what we seem to be requiring from our media, not that they men don’t exist.
That they may not be celebrated on Fox news or CNN says much about what we seem to be requiring from our media, not that they men don’t exist.
Agreed. But I think its also a sign that its not just what we seem to require from our media but also an actual desire that these people actually did not exist.
There are plenty of stories out there about young boys who are the victims of rape and need serious care and healing in order to move on. But those aren’t the stories we hear too often. Meanwhile Adam Sandler and Adam Sandberg are about to seal their fates with me with their new upcoming comedy about get this….a boy who was statutory raped by his middle school teacher. I’m seriously thinking about breaking my personal rule on no bootleg movies just to watch it (and write about it) without contributing to those guys.
What can we do?
Stop focusing on gender or race – fact is there is only one common factor and that is we are all human. Respect that fact and treat everyone as human which means we are all fragile at times; capable of love, hate, caring and sensitivity. Forcing others to conform to stereotypic roles and modes or behavior is disrespectful and as humans we need to hold each other accountable for failing to respect each others humanity.
Hold society accountable and call people on disrespectful behavior. This is not about being PC; it is about respect between human beings. When people disrespect someone call them on it and ask if the situation were reverse would you want someone to treat you the way you are treating this person? This means having the courage to stand up, speak up – quietly, calmly but firmly with conviction. It means telling bullies including those in the media that disrespectful behavior is NOT acceptable and not rewarding it. It means NOT being silent when someone else is being disrespected.