Men have some catching up to do with women, in shedding the stigma of gender nonconformity.
A few people have asked me whether I, as a dad of a seven-year old, was going to write anything about the tragedy in Connecticut. I replied that I had no expertise or anything unique or helpful to say—I’m just as pissed and sad as everyone else, and who wants to read a story about how I embarrassed Nick by hugging him for too long as he got off the school bus.
So, I’m not writing about Newtown. But I did come across this advertisement for the gun used in the mass murder, and it got me thinking about the signals our society still gives men about who they are expected to be.
Over the past generation or so, we’ve seen a huge shift in expectations and opportunities for women. While they still face stereotypes and discrimination, for the large part women have been freed from the shackles of having to conform to traditional role expectations. The majority of women work outside the home and many are now in positions of leadership, and women represent the majority (55% last I checked) of incoming college students, medical students and law students (see here). Women don’t need to be trapped as caretakers and housewives dependent on their husbands for income. Girls who play sports, are good at math, and are “tomboys” are now lauded for these achievements. These are most welcome developments, and we are all better off for it.
Progress for men has not come as quickly. Men who do not conform to traditional masculine roles still face stigma and invisible barriers. Men are still far more likely to choose careers that require long hours, intense stress, dangerous work, frequent travel, and long commutes in return for being a better provider- no matter that these jobs take a physical and psychic toll, are less satisfying, and crowd out time for prioritizing family (see here and here). Men who don’t earn a good living or work in “women’s professions” have a harder time attracting female attention, getting married or staying married (to say nothing about men who are short, weak or overweight). Divorce often comes on the heels of a man’s unemployment (see here for the 2012 work-family research study of the year that found that while social pressure discouraging women from working outside the home has weakened, pressure on husbands to be breadwinners largely remains).
“Real men” don’t need work-life balance, or so they say. Men fear huge career consequences for even broaching the subject of flexible work or work-family balance, so they need to be strategic about negotiating for it (see here), and will often only avail themselves of informal or hidden ways to address family concerns (see here). To put one’s family on par with one’s career is somehow still too progressive for many organizations and for society as a whole. Often, media portrayal of men could not be more patronizing or relentless in showing men as crude, thoughtless and tough (see here).
Men who take on parenting and household responsibilities also face subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle) discrimination. See this excellent blog post from a friend of mine who recently transitioned from a corporate career to being a stay at home dad.
Unlike girls who are now encouraged and rewarded by society for athletic achievement, taking on leadership and progressing towards “men’s” professions in the STEM fields, boys who show an interest in girls toys, activities or “women’s careers” are generally not accepted, and the reaction they get from peers and adults can be cruel and harsh. As a result, many boys learn to repress or discard parts of their personality, and choose paths that lead to less satisfying lives.
I’m not sure any of this has anything to do with Newtown, but it is a big problem.
Luckily, the past decade has seen some progress in this area. Many workplaces are far more open to informal, part-time telecommuting. Stay-at-home dads are mobilizing as a group to provide help and social support. As more men demand to take a more equal rile in the home, workplaces and society will slowly shift. There is now media outcry when men are portrayed as unable or unwilling to take care of their own kids. Part of why I write this blog is to help dads struggling with work and family to share ideas, advice and support. And, boy, am I not alone in blogging about fatherhood.
… And, maybe, we as a society are slowly realizing real men don’t need to be tough, violent, or own semi-automatic rifles to get their “man cards”.
What do you think? Let’s discuss in the comments section.
Read more: Bushmaster Rifles Has Been Running The Most Evil Ads I’ve Ever Seen
Image credit: familymwr/Flickr
It’s true! Women can wear pants, play sports, be “tomboys,” go off to college and have lesbian experiences, but are still considered regular, healthy, heterosexual women. On the other hand, if a man even only ONCE wears a skirt, plays house, has “girly” interests, or sucks one cock in college, then he’s branded a “fag” for life. Worse, this is mostly perpetrated by men on other men. Sad. I would, however, like to call bullshit on the claim that men who follow “women’s” professions don’t get female attention. You’re going to have to provide some real, unmanipulated, double blind evidence… Read more »
KT.
Lots of info on “Hooking Up Smart”. The comments get prolix and off-point, but the proprietor does a pretty good job with evidence, such as it is, regarding the sexual marketplace and so forth.
If I recall some of the points, women’s professions don’t pay as much, generally speaking, and so the alphaness provided by money is reduced and thus attractiveness.
It’s a matter of degree, not an on/off switch.
But, according to some, men in el ed get women’s attention; They’re always being watched as potential molesters.
Great comment KT- I’ll do some digging on that one. I’m a buisness dude, so I’m not really talking about my life (no sour grapes), but was commenting on some of what I saw when I was on the NYC dating scene. In general women’s professions pay less than men’s- and according to studies on match.com profiles, number of female clicks on men’s profiles goes up almost logarithmically with income- those making $100k get far more than double the clicks of those making $75k. Also, in terms of height- for every inch below 5’10” men see about a 1/2 drop… Read more »
I want to clarify, I don’t think gay men are not “Real Men”, but I do feel this is what the accusation is intended to imply. I’ve never seen a woman claim another woman, even an out lesbian, wasn’t a “Real Woman”. What is about men and what is this elusive status of “Real Man”? Where did our “Man Cards” go? And how on earth did we get the idea that they can be return through ownership of ANY object?
Very well said
My father, approaching ninety-three, is pretty much still altogether.
It pleases him to Google Earth and drive down two streets in Holland named after his division–Timberwolfstraat–and one after the division commander–Generaalallenweg.
Some guys with the old man card did manage to do something useful. Or at least the Dutch think so. But they’re not enlightened.
Or you could look up “Meyerode” “wood”.
Again, nothing but respect for soldiers. But my piece does nothing to denigrate heroes like your father.
Scott.
Not denigrate. But what if they gave up the old men card and started with the new one?
There is a lot of finger pointing, particularly among younger men at who is not a “Real Man”. lets be honest, not real man equals gay. Young men are desperate to validate their masculinity/sexuality. With masculinity so poorly defined in our society, action movies and advertisements have a large hole they can fill with very dangerous messages.
Scott. Two issues. You have, imo, a false contradiction. Besides, if nobody is doing the first, what do the rest of the folks do when the barbarians come over the marches? Or into the schools? “Hey. Don’t look at me. I have a different man card. Somebody call the cops. They have the old one.” Nobody is suggesting giving up the old man card, except feminists except when the bad guys are in the parking lot, and the promoters of the New Man. And they have all taken an oath not to request help from the guys with the old… Read more »
I don’t understand your comment- seems a bit off topic and somewhat paranoid “barbarians coming over the marches”??? The article is about how society pushes men to conform to a single idea of masculinity, even if all men wouldn’t otherwise want to act that way. The only gun reference was the idea in the ad that buying a bushmaster rifle renews your mancard- the rest of the article is about work, family, dating etc. Also, this piece says NOTHING about gun policy. In no way am I saying we shouldn’t have cops or soldiers- you are reading that into the… Read more »
Its interesting to observe the narrations in the Testosterone commercials (e.g: Androgel). More gender-qualification crap.
I’m not sure that the weapon is key, but men are ultimately responsible for the defense of women and children and sometimes other men. I’m not sure that this is something that can be behaviorally conditioned out of most men, and I hope it can’t. Some of women’s hypergamy (when it’s not directed toward sociopathic men) recognizes that men have the biological ability to protect them, or to try, at least, to do so. What facilitates this in a prosocial way is a sense of honor. We do badly if we encourage men to be less direct and more passive-aggressive,… Read more »
Hi Hank. Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I largely agree.
Sense of honor, taking care of those who depend on us, being direct and forthright, defending those who are weaker = man card
Being funnelled into only some professions, expressing only part of one’s personality, buying semis =/= man card
The world could really use more male elementary school teachers, nurses, etc.
Oddly, I was a psychiatric nurse for ten years. This was not a job for the faint hearted.
I think this is a great piece, and there is no question that Scott’s heart is in the right place. I would just like to add that I think Scott may have inadvertently overlooked the role our education system plays in shaping the kinds of outcomes he’s talked about here. There is ample evidence that, at very young ages, girls tend to do better at verbal tasks, and boys tend to do better at math problems. These are macro trends, and they do not hold true for every individual, but they are nevertheless observable. When I was in school in… Read more »
Hi Mike- You make an excellent point. From what I understand, the crisis point for girls in school is middle-school- mostly based on peer and esteem issues. The crisis point for boys is K-2, because school generally promotes such behavior as sitting still, being quiet, and fine-motor skills- all of which boys are physically less able at than girls of that age. I make sure to talk with my son’s teachers about this, and they have all been awesome about making sure they build in a lot of movement into the school day- switching between individual and group work, the… Read more »
I’m sorry but “Cult of Masculinity”?
Are you seriously implying that masculinity in general is some sort of cult men are brainwashed into?
While I agree there is an insidious side to masculinity, I don’t use that to judge masculanity as a whole. Which, according to the title of this article, the author has set out from the beginning.
I just think there has to be a distinction here between masculinity and the problematic aspects of it. A seperation.
“cult” was probably too strong a word- you are correct. The emotionality I feel post-Newtown probably led to that hyperbolic term.
However, I think the rest of the piece is a much nore reasoned take on how reinforces certain behaviors as manly- even if they are stifling, harmful or counterproductive
If I get your thinking, we need some different kind of man card. Presumably, you think guns are the only one left. Could be, but it wasn’t men’s idea. It isn’t men who are not attracted to men who work in women’s professions or who don’t make a lot of money. The lesson is pretty clear from, say, jr. hi. Female hypergamy doesn’t give a guy much credit for being a miner, lumberjack, construction worker. This wasn’t men’s idea. Fortunately, due to the hard work of men in the last, say, hundred thousand years, men can now not have killing… Read more »
Hi Richard. Thanks for the comment. You are correct that my larger point is that society reinforces certain behaviors as manly- even if they are stifling or counterproductive. The gun issue was just my entry point into thinking about this broader societal issue.