American Junkie, a new bar in Hermosa Beach, hosted its inaugural comedy night on Tuesday: Hot Mess Comedy presented by Michael Yo. My friend, ex-neighbor and Tosh 2.0 regular Jay Davis invited me.
But before I get to the funny lines, I need to vent. Isn’t it annoying how the host introduces every comedian as a “very funny guy”? I mean, duh. He’s a comedian. That’s why we’re here.
Here are the top 5 lines (with set-up, if necessary) in descending order:
5. Anyi – Commenting on people’s reaction to his being a 6′ 6″ black guy who does not play basketball:
They’re always disappointed and they say, “What a waste!” I think, what if the situations were reversed I said this to somebody like…that dude?” (He points to me. I’m 6’0″.) “Dude, do you refinance mortgages? NO???!!! But you’re the perfect size to re-fi mortgages! Aw, that’s too bad, because me and my buddies are getting together Saturday morning to re-fi some mortgages, and we could use a fifth.”
4. Theo Von – “I went on a blind date the other night. We were set up by mutual friends. But when I got to the bar and saw her, I thought, I could’ve met you!”
3. Jay Davis – “I just witnessed my first Smartcar accident! Wow. Talk about ‘totaled’! What a wreck. Thankfully, the guy on the bike walked away unscathed.”
2. Jeff Wild – (Playing guitar and singing, he answers his young son’s question, “Daddy, are you gonna die?”)
“Yes. And so are you. And so is Mommy and so is Santa – because he never existed anyway – and so is Spot…the better question, son, is “When?”
1. Theo Von – (I missed two of the comics, but Theo killed in his set, so I don’t feel bad about picking two of his lines)
Do the guys know what ‘Spanx’ are? They are these things women wear under their clothes that were invented by NASA. When a chick wears Spanx, she looks like a perfect curvy vase that you wanna put your ‘dick flowers’ in. But then you get her home and take the Spanx off and things start popping out…like a can of biscuits.”
GMP readers, what are your funniest comedy show lines of all time?