Jezebel usually compiles the worst sex advice for women from magazines like Cosmo, but this past week, they turned the tables and compiled the 36 worst sex tips from men’s magazines Maxim and Men’s Health along with commentary from the very funny Ben Reininga.
See if you agree with Jezebel’s list of terrible sex advice, and Reininga’s funny comments that follow the advice… I can tell you from an woman’s insider perspective (and that of a sex and relationship advice columnist) that the following items they singled out are, indeed, some of the worst tips I’ve ever heard:
4. “After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female’s does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically.”
If she’s averse to this idea, spit in her sports drink. It’s been shown to improve the taste of Gatorade’s entire G Series line.
Joanna’s note: I have an odd phobia of saliva, so this is particularly horrific to me, but it’s generally a good idea to shower after a workout instead of trying to jam your tongue into someone’s mouth. Also, is there any chance that this makes even an ounce of scientific sense?
19. Hire a private violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street.
You get bonus points for reeking of desperation!
Joanna’s note: Fellas, less is more. How about just walking and having a conversation instead? Also, don’t ever hire anyone to follow you and “your woman’ around on the street for any reason.
27. “81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.”
A unexpected loss for Team Surprise Anal.
Joanna’s note: I would say that somewhere near 99% of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.
32. “Whoever told you to tweak a girl’s nipples is stupid. Don’t! No girl has ever been proven to like this.”
The editorial team at Cosmo would like to make the following statement: “Nuh-uh.”
Joanna’s note: I guess I’m not sure what “tweaking” actually means, but here’s the rule with nipples (and sexual activity in general): Pay attention to what she likes. It varies. Some like them tweaked, some don’t. Some like them tweaked every once in a while and not other times.
I know it’s confusing, but what makes a guy good in bed is not that he’s memorized any list or set of rules, but that he responds to his partner’s cues. I’d go so far as to say that it’s the exact same thing that makes a woman good in bed… Am I right?
What items from the list Reininga compiled strike you as funniest, or most (or least) true?
Why do you think mags like Maxim and Cosmo feel a need to give mostly useless sex advice? Why do people buy into it?
Image of words about sex on blackboard courtesy of Shuttertsock
About Joanna Schroeder
Even though sites like Jezebel are Gyno-centric ( Men are only welcome when they apoligize for being men, think Hugo) Still some of that advice does seem a bit ridicioulious. That’s kind of surprising considering that Mens Health is supported by a staff that’s about 85% female (Their entire research staff is in fact female). I always considered this another instance of women telling men how to ‘Behave’
Sex advice is Cosmo is notoriously laughable even though it’s written by women. I think the writers sit around and drink after work and come up with ridiculous ideas at random.
I keep picturing this as a meeting of “journalists” from the magazines, sitting around trying to see how weird they can get and still have readers.
“So, we’re going to tell women to rub their nipples against men’s testicles!!”
“Oh yeah, well we’re going to tell men that women will blow them if they dip their dicks in a jar of Nutella!”
“Oh yeah? Well, we’re going to have a ‘Too Hot For Newsstands’ article, then refer to the penis as ‘the word that rhymes with “stick,” and the one that rhymes with “sock,”‘ instead of actually saying words that every teenage girl already knows–and then play it off as some kind of dramatic sexual revelation!”
“Wow, that’s a good one!”
Because it needs linking again:
Cosmotopian Magazine
I think it’s a documentary or something.
Come on guys, get real!! Men have been telling women how to behave for years and all of a sudden, you all can’t stand the heat. You guys started all this unfairness and now you see how we have been feeling for years. Why don’t you all rememdy this problem, not by complaining, but by calling the dogs off, in other words, write some articles and tell guys to treat women right and stop with the objectification.
Women are beginning to get strong and stop being so gullible and are calling for fairness and respect.
What kind of dreamland do you live in? EVERYBODY has been dictating behaviour to each other since the dawn of time, do you honestly think women weren’t telling men how to behave in earlier times?! Men tell men, men tell women, women tell women, women tell men how to behave. The worst slut-shaming I’ve ever seen, 90% or more is woman to woman, I rarely hear men use the word slut.
Are you kidding!?? where have you been??
Earth? Society is a group of men AND women, both reinforce gender roles, both make up new rules and dictate behaviors.
“Joanna’s note: I would say that somewhere near 99% of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.”
HeatherN’s note: I’ll go one further and suggest that somewhere around 99% of women don’t want you to attempt any sort of sex without asking/negotiating first. Heck, I’ll go one further on what I just said and suggest that somewhere around 99% of people don’t want you to attempt any sort of sex without asking/negotiating first. (Even if that negotiation is non-verbal because you know each other well enough not to need to discuss it verbally).
Seriously…these lists are sooooooooo messed up. As to why they are so popular? Well I think it’s because our culture is so close-lipped about sex and relationships in actual educational spaces that pop-culture has taken over. People feel like they’ve no idea what they’re doing, because no one’s ever told them explicitly what to do, so they look to these lists for guidance. And goodness knows you can’t just ask your partner(s) what they like (or volunteer information without being asked) because that would be “weird.” We are really so screwed up in our culture with the way we talk about (or don’t talk about) sex.
No, I imagine 99% of all people don’t want to have to ‘negotiate’ for sex. I’m not even sure what that means, but I resent the implications of the word ‘negotiate’, or the idea that I should have to trade anything for sex.
And really, it’s not like you can get both yours and her pants off without anyone noticing. If I’m making out with a woman, I just go for it. There is ample opportunity to raise objections during the natural progression of things. I am not going to go, hat-in-hand, and ask for the ‘privilege’ of having sex with someone. Men have to make every single escalation. All a woman ever has to do is say ‘yes’ or ‘no’; so when it comes to this, the onus is on her to object. How many times should we have to humiliate ourselves, exactly?
That doesn’t really work with anal, given that there’s prep work involved (lube, and if both people know what they’re doing, probably digital insertion to get them loose), but it works just fine for your average romp.
So I think I know what you’re saying, Soullite, though I’d like to see if I can clarify it a bit because it’s coming off as a bit dicey.
So yeah, I’d say almost no one wants to “negotiate” for non-paid sex. We don’t want to say, “Okay, Bob, I’ll give you head if you go down on me, each for five minutes until reaching orgasm and/or become bored. And then I will say that dirty thing you like if you will call me ‘Bad Kitty’.”
I don’t think anyone means it like that… Though maybe some people are into that! In my life and career I’ve learned that there are people who are into almost everything one can imagine.
Think of it more like a dance… Yeah, often times men are the “lead” but certainly not always. That’s a generalization, though I’m certain it feels that way. In the dance, one person steps up the pace, or pulls a little closer, or changes the step a bit. They have to read the other’s cues to be sure they’re following.
In bed, that negotiation is often without words. It’s with sighs, moans, squeals and yes-es. It’s also with noting a person not responding well and the other backing off.
Because this type of non-verbal negotiation is often sort of “grey”, many people (including me) are fans of Enthusiastic Consent. The idea that there is no moving forward without an enthusiastic “YES!” There are really sexy ways of going forward with that… but I can get into that another day.
As far as humiliation… Sure, there’s a risk of being rejected any time you escalate the sexual intensity. But whether you view it as humiliation or not is up to you. Everyone has a boundary, and if you’re finding yourself bumping up against boundaries over and over and over so much so that you’re feeling like every attempt is met with “humiliation” then it’s time to look at your own self.
The way you’re presenting it makes me curious if you’re getting a thrill in seeing how far you can push it. Either that, or you’re not reading non-verbal cues very well. In general, you should know when to back off before she has to stop you in a way that humiliates you.
Imagine that you can read her and stop yourself before you get to a point where she says “no more”. I may be just one lone woman, but that’s the sexiest thing ever… A guy that stops just before the girl sets the boundary. It shows he’s attuned to where she’s going and how she’s feeling. That means the next time the guy and girl are engaged like that, she’s probably going to be a bit more aggressive to get what she wants from him, and it sounds like that’s what you’d like to see more of?
And, as Heather said, once a person is in a sexual relationship (committed or non-committed), that negotiation is very much inferred. You know with your wife that she likes this most of the time, but sometimes she likes that, and every once in a while if she’s had a glass of wine and a great dinner she might be into THAT. It may not be spoken, but it’s a communication. A communication of softness and subtlety, but a communication nonetheless. That’s what women mean most of the time when they say, “he’s an incredible lover.”
And sure, in our society women are often the “gatekeepers of sexuality” but that’s not always the case. You can actively seek out a relationship where that’s not the case, by finding the right partner and also by communicating that you’d be super turned on by someone who is the aggressor.
Stop seeing the boundaries as humiliations and start seeing them as something a woman is using to show you what she wants. A powerful woman who knows what she wants is super hot. You’re shaping your perception, and you have the power to change that.
HEatherN: “’ll go one further on what I just said and suggest that somewhere around 99% of people don’t want you to attempt any sort of sex without asking/negotiating first.”
That’s preposterous.
Most guys would LOVE a surprise blow job!
(as long as it’s coming from their partner or someone they know/like; we’re not talking about total strangers, of course)
Yeah, basically what Julie said.
See…if my (hypothetical) girlfriend came up behind me and started massaging my breasts, or something, then she did ask first, even if at that moment she hadn’t said a thing. There would have been conversations and interactions between us that lead up to us becoming comfortable enough with each other that we no longer needed verbal permission to cross each other’s physical boundaries. There would have been discussions about what sorts of surprise physical contact we enjoy, and what makes us uncomfortable. That all constitutes “asking first.”
Well, it seems to me that the article referred mostly to behaviour INSIDE a couple. My comment was based on that (inside a couple, most guys would love a surprise blow job).
OF COURSE anything sexual, without asking first, is nonsense between strangers; that would be pretty freaky!
OTOH, if you were talking about people not knowing each other, then yes, your stance (“99% of people don’t want you to attempt any sort of sex without asking/negotiating first”) makes sense.
But that, as I said just above, it’s pretty much a given.
I think your definition of “asking/negotiating first” is too narrow, is what I’m saying. I have a friend whose boyfriend absolutely hates blow jobs. She knows this because she talked to him about it…whether they talked about it while having sex or whether it was a conversation over dinner…either way they discussed it.
My point being there seems to be a set of sexual positions/activities that are assumed to be “normal” and that don’t require discussion, and there seems to be a set of activities/positions that are considered “odd” and therefore do require discussion. But all sexual activities/positions require discussion…even if that discussion is your partner saying “oo, nice,” when you surprise him with a blowjob.
1. “Hold her gaze for a minute. If she’s blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there’s a good chance she’s on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more “than those who aren’t.”"
Holding a gaze too long can invoke instincts of feeling threatened, don’t think this advice is good…unless you wanted to play a who can stare the longest game though wouldn’t her anxiety (if she has any) also throw the results off with more or less blinking?
“Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive.”
“Joanna’s note: I have an odd phobia of saliva, so this is particularly horrific to me, but it’s generally a good idea to shower after a workout instead of trying to jam your tongue into someone’s mouth. Also, is there any chance that this makes even an ounce of scientific sense?”
ht tp://www.livescience.com/3328-saliva-secret-ingredient-kisses.html
ht tp://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/02/kissingscience/
Could be legit, could just be the act of kissing turns people on, I wouldn’t be surprised either way.
ht tp://www.livestrong.com/article/460435-will-aerobic-exercise-help-hormonal-imbalance/
“The “Journal of Strength & Conditioning Research” featured a study in January 2011 that found various types of exercise increased serum and salivary testosterone levels in male volunteers.”
If they are true then I guess it is scientifically possible. But for someone who has a phobia over saliva the negative effect of that could override any positive from saliva transfer. But for most people this tip could actually be good.
“27. “81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking.””
Yeah I’d say ask first, and the only time to attempt without asking at the time is to specifically be told she wants you to mix it into your “routine” during sex, but even then I find the idea a bit far fetched. But hey it’s up to the couple to work out what is acceptable in their love-making, if some like the surprise then good luck to them. JUST MAKE SURE IT’S OK beforehand.
Do they state where they got the 81% from? I can’t see the original article, just quotes to it?
“”Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second… [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection.”"
From what I’ve heard this is legit, and is quite common in human interaction. Not sure if it works more so on women vs men, I’ve heard women have more nerve endings in their skin and hormones like oxytocin come into play. I’ve also heard oxytocin is amplified by oesterogen but can’t remember where I heard that stuff. Feel free to correct me, I’d rather know the truth. But I don’t think more nerve receptors per square CM explain it all, there could be a mix of hormone release, number of nerves AND the overall sensitivity of those nerves, and also psychological elements to the overall reponse.
“Do they really think you can read things written in chocolate with your mouth? If they mean “lick and mustache-tickle from boob to belly until you’re both spit-covered and sticky” that’s fine, but I wish they’d just come out and say it.”
Gee, I dunno, some people may want to try it.
“Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button. Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal.”
Same principle as the four seasons “Ice Menthol” condoms, it sure does feel different but whether that feeling is good or bad is subjective.
“”Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”
Did you know that ladies love chocolate?”
Some do, how is that a terrible sex tip?
“”Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay… when you do them, that is.”
Yes, because when she does them, it counts as a woman doing the work she’s goddamn supposed to be doing.”
My my aren’t we angry today. The top is worded stupidly but helping around the house will surely help many peoples feeling of appreciation, hopefully that should also increase the desire for love-making (unless a shitload of women are wrong that seem to suggest this)
Quite frankly the Jezebel article’s counters to the advice sound overly like someone with one style of sex they enjoy and thus everyone is meant to be the same…But I view these sex tips as suggestions, try them out (ask your partner first) and if it works then great, if it doesn’t then oh well try another. They may work for some and not for others so it’s really just a list of suggestions. Some of the “sciencey” stuff might also be the old “Correlation does not imply causation” so instead of increased testosterone transferring via saliva making her turned on more it may just be the kissing itself after you both workout that did it.
“Pop your chap in a jar of nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.”
Hilarious.
Also, if some one ever did this to me (yes, TO me), I’d feel more like an animal being trained than anything. Like when you train a dog to sit by using dog treats.
Besides, what would you do with the remaining nutella? Put it on toast and awkwardly pick out pubic hair as you chew?
Why would you feel like an animal being trained? Do you feel like a baby when someone feeds you a cherry/whatever as well? I am just genuinely confused because humans giving other humans tasty treats is something I thought many consider romantic?
Because it implies that you’ll only give a blowjob if you’re “tricked” into it with a chocolatey treat. A guy can’t just ask for a damn blowjob? I am not a dog who needs to be trained to give head with some godsdamned chocolate.
I took it to mean it was a fun way to get head as she licks it all off, but I guess the wording of “present it” seems pretty stupid. Makes me wonder though if they’re trying to make it taste better and encourage women to like it more?
I’d try it myself if she wanted to (and on her too), though chocolate body paint sounds like a better choice to use.
I think it’s the whole ‘nutella’ thing that weirds me out. Chocolate body paint? Fine. Unless your chocolate connoisseurs, then not-so-fine. That stuff isn’t very tasty. I just don’t want to be remembering the toast I had this morning when I’m going down on my boyfriend.
The wording kind of made me feel like they (it pains me that more than one person was involved in making this horrendous list), were playing off of the stereotype that women LOVE chocolate, and that they don’t love giving oral sex.
Then again, I’m oddly confident about my blowjob capabilities, so I’m definately getting my back up at the idea of my partner using special “tricks” to get me to do it enthusiastically.
you’re_*
Ahh, makes sense. This is making me crave nutella for some reason :S
It’s gross to begin with, I don’t want Nutella on my dick, or anything else that’s sticky for that matter, besides the obvious.
Quite a few of those are legitimate. Stroking her forearm, exercising, kissing, and the pheromones in sweat are all known to either increase sex drive or attraction in women. Most of the food-related ones make sense too. Openly denying science ruins the credibility of the entire article.
“I know it’s confusing, but what makes a guy good in bed is not that he’s memorized any list or set of rules, but that he responds to his partner’s cues.”
I think you pretty much summed it up. It’s really that simple. The sex advice is useless UNLESS it actually exposes you to new ideas to try in bed. That way at least people are open to trying new things–bonus points for new things!
I’m confused why we are taking anything from Jezebel. That ‘rag’ is known for spinning nay story and ruining its context/content. Going through their “list” it is a very abridge list, “J” have even added their own comment/explanation but not printing the original context.
I do apologies but anything for J gets my heckles up. As 99% of the time is is pure sexist filth.
On other site I found this: be open, but not desperate” or “love yourself or no one else will love you”. What does that even mean, really, and does it actually help?
No one really likes being around someone extremely negative so loving yourself will make you more enjoyable to be around. It get’s very tiring to hear someone badmouth themselves. “Be open, not desperate” means don’t overload them with info about yourself, don’t appear too desperate for a relationship/whatever.