Tom Matlack explains his decision to allow Penthouse to republish five essays from the Good Men Project book.
Five essays from the Good Men Project book will appear in Penthouse. If your knee-jerk reaction to this news is surprise, confusion, or disgust, you’re not alone. The decision to team up with Penthouse in this way has stirred up controversy among some of our readers—and among several of our foundation’s partners.
A well-known on-air female personality with whom we had discussed a pilot television program built around the Good Men brand, for example, sent me a blistering email saying she would never be associated with an organization that affiliates itself with pornography.
Here’s the thing: I am not good enough to tell you how to be good. I firmly believe that “goodness” is like faith—I shouldn’t tell you what yours should look like, and you shouldn’t tell me what mine should look like.
That doesn’t mean that the pursuit of goodness is a solo journey; in fact, it takes others to see the light, to set an example, to help us awaken from the slumber. That is the whole reason for the Project. We’re hoping to prompt a discussion, to allow men a space to tell their stories with brutal honesty, to talk about the very issues that are causing men to suffer but that we don’t usually have the guts to face directly.
But nowhere in our magazine, in our book, or in my columns will you see an attempt to judge, to proselytize, to be prescriptive in the very meaning of what it means to be a good man. I have my own hard-earned definition of what goodness entails: loving my wife, showing up for my kids, doing something for someone other than myself on a daily basis, and telling the truth. I can’t get anywhere if I’m duping myself. As a hairdresser friend of mine once asked me as we entered a locked rehab facility to speak, “What’s the con you’re still telling yourself, Tom?”
The reason that I chose Sing Sing as the first stop on our book tour was to make the point that no one (no matter what they’ve done in the past) is excluded from this conversation about being a good man. What I found in talking to criminals and convicted murderers—and other men with profoundly different backgrounds than my own—is that I usually learn the most about how to be a better man from men who are the most different from me.
They cut through the bullshit, touch my heart, and prove to me that we’re much more alike than I would have ever imagined. I’ve learned more from construction workers in South Boston than I ever did from my MBA classmates at Yale.
♦♦♦
If there was a “goodness club,” I don’t think I’d be allowed through the front door. I have made some terrible, shameful mistakes in my life, mistakes for which I am still making amends. But as my late grandmother, a woman of simple Quaker faith, told me at my very lowest point, “It’s not how you fall in life that counts, Tom. It’s how you pick yourself up.”
Nothing about the Good Men Project is intended to inspire a discussion of why others are bad, evil, eternally damned to hell. This is about men talking about the road to their own self-defined goodness, about guys getting real—about the moment of transformation when a new, better self emerged from the ashes.
That’s what I always find inspiring to listen to Ron Cowie talking about raising his daughter despite her mom’s sudden death, Julio Medina talking about coming back after a life prison sentence, and Andrew Sullivan talking about scratching his ass (OK, it’s not heroic, but it is damn funny).
So back to Penthouse. As you may know if you read my columns regularly, I’ve developed an interest in certain topics as they relate to manhood: War and post-traumatic stress. Prison. Death. Divorce. Fatherhood. And men’s sexuality, with a particular attention to prostitution, porn, and sexual abuse.
These are issues that we need to talk about more often—and with a lot more candor.
But I am not God (thank God). I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not here to judge anybody. So when Penthouse proposed running a series of essays, I accepted.
We want to invite as many men into this discussion as possible, and the six stories Penthouse has chosen to publish all have a blunt and positive message about what it means to be a man in pursuit of goodness. The fact that our written words are next to naked women doesn’t bother me. Frankly, it’s the ideal place for us to reach guys, whether or not they have any misgivings about pornography.
To the many women who support the Good Men Project, I hope you won’t turn away from us. We are not abandoning you by doing this. In this case the articles, not the pictures, are the whole point.
In Search of Real Men
No One Saw a Thing
♦ ♦ ♦
In September, 2009, Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
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About Tom Matlack
Tom, I have alot of respect for this decision. I have always felt that you must know your ‘enemy’ in order to beat him. Excuse my aggressive example-there aren’t enemies in this situation-but the point is that there is a great benefit to having our messages of being a Good Man in a magazine that teaches (consciously and unconsciously) men how to feed their hypermasculinity. Yes, pornography portrays images of the ‘dark side of masculinity’ (it perpetuates misogynistic believes amongst our society), but millions of men partake in this behavior and it could serve as a billboard to touch the hearts/minds of those men who do not understand that the impact of their exposure to pornography is numbing the objectification of women.
I can certainly understand how some people can be upset over this decision to associate with such an anti-feminist medium, but in this case can we agree that the ends justify the means? Well, let’s wait and see the ends before we fully judge the means.
Good luck. I can see this being a big step for all the Good Men out there who don’t really know how to behave as such.
Well said.
I, too, was shocked when I read this yesterday. Ultimately, I support this decision.
For me, the question is … What now?
Men use pornography. Porn is big business, hidden business, violent business. Male sexuality is the dragon that most of us run from rather than confront. So my question is what do ‘we’ do with the men that make the connection to the Good Men Project … is there some way in which their interaction with the intensely complicated world of porn will be met? Is there some way in which men’s eyes will be opened to the ‘body punishing sex’ (Gail Dines) that ALSO goes with their casual use of (now mainstream) pornography that is Penthouse?
I support and applaud the intention of meeting men where they are. I support and applaud the way in which you do not preach or condemn. AND … GMP walks the dangerous razor’s edge between explorer and apologist. I believe it is of urgent importance that we face the mirror – and there is a difference between looking AT ourselves and looking INTO ourselves.
Men are comfortable looking at things. We look at the global ecological crisis, at the failure of community, at the degradation of women, at the failure of society to raise healthy boys and men (and girls and women). I am FOR looking deeper INTO these things – What is my role? What is my responsibility? What is my impact? – and I believe that an intention has to be set clearly in order for this to manifest.
It is equally urgent and important that we find the path to redefine mature masculinity. Stories have meaning, stories motivate, stories speak to the archetypal. Telling the story is a first step. The deep examination of the story is what will change reality for a man. It is one step through the looking glass.
Does the story take men to an EDGE and ask them to peer over it? I believe many of the stories being told by GMP do that. And I think there is a next step. I don’t think it is GMP’s mission to take that next step … but I hope that you will put up a sign post.
Thanks Brandon and Boysen. I appreciate your thoughtful responses to what is obviously a complex issue. In the end, for me, it’s a matter of being will to stand up and speak my own truth wether that is in Sing Sing or on the pages of Penthouse or a boys’ Prep School populated by affluent young men.
this gave me chills. especially the part about learning more from those different than those similar.
on saturday night while in atlanta for the m3summit, i was approached by a man who looked to be homeless. we sat down and spoke together for about ten minutes. he had just gotten out of jail 8 days prior for stabbing a man who had “done (his) sister wrong.” he was surprised i didn’t run away from him. he was surprised i wasn’t scared. he asked me why.
“i got sister, man. i love her, too.”
we are more alike than many of us like to believe. we define ourselves with the material and the accomplishments and the accoutrements, yet we forget that we all share the same base.
and at the two most important stages of life — the very beginning and the very end — that’s all there is.
well spoken, tom. you’ve not lost anything from this supporter. in fact, you’ve managed to gain even more respect. i hope this move proves to be a fantastic one for you and your brand. i have a feeling it will be.
You present an interesting ethical dilemma: By using this publication to reach a particular audience, is your presence (and acceptance of payment I presume) in the publication an endorsement for its values? You are stating that it does not.
I agree that judging others and their choices is never productive or appropriate, and I certainly don’t want to sit high and mighty above others. I have enough of my own bad behavior to worry about.
But I do see the other side. I don’t have daughters. The women exploited on the pages of Penthouse magazine are somebody’s daughters. It is difficult for me not to think of all of these fathers and daughters when I see these publications. I realize the women appearing are choosing to do so. But exploitation is exploitation.
Good luck with the articles. I hope you don’t lose too many supporters. I don’t know if there is a “right” answer … but it seems you have thought it through and I wish you all the best.
I believe in freedom of choice, a divine right throughout the universe. Women have the choice of posing in Penthouse and men have the choice of buying the magazine. Who am I to judge them?
Are good men not allowed to indulge in pornography? Is pornography an innately evil institution? Is it wrong for men to indulge in and explore their own sexualities?
While there is much debate to be had regarding pornography, its objectification of women and presentation of sexual discourse from a strictly “male” perspective, I think it is exactly that: a debate. I don’t think that it is valid or fair to make assumptions about those that affiliate with or enjoy pornographic material.
As such, I don’t think it’s necessarily valid to consider the notion of being a “good man” and Hustler as in moral opposition.
*Penthouse, apologies.
Tom, I have to say I’m with you on this one. From the beginning, my understanding of the project has been to stimulate dialogue, to ask the question of what it means to be a good man. We’ve asked that question in many different forums, posing it to a variety of men (and women) representing many subtle shades of “goodness”. Here’s an opportunity to extend that dialogue to a big readership. Press on.
Great decision and a bold one that I support.Since the raise of Feminism(which I support).The space that Men share with each other has been shrinking.I haven’t read a Penthoue magazine in awhile but from my recollection they always had thought provoking articles.To be human means being stimulated…visually,spiritually,emotionally and intellectually.A person’s faith helps them bring balance and simplicity in those arena’s..I don’t nderstand how in the name of Religion some people separate and define other people’s humanity and sexaulity.Maybe if Men and Women could have a more open conversation about sex and relationships the porn indusrty wouldn’ exsist.Good luck with the Good Men Project.I’ve been a supporter since day one.Stay controversial.It’s what defines the Top Shelf Cognac from the watered down drinks sold for a quick buzz…..lol
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Like misery and politics, creating a national dialogue about men inevitably makes for strange bedfellows. It sounds like you’ve thought this through with care, Tom, and come to the best decision you could to advance your worthy projects. I hope you gain new supporters, and broaden and deepen the conversation. These issues regarding pornography, objectification of women, personal freedoms, exploitation, coercion, capitalism, violence, sexuality, mind-control and manipulation, uses and abuses of power, judging one another, etc. — they are extraordinarily complex and painfully loaded. Unfortunately, pornography is pretty much a matter of scale these days. Everywhere you look, it’s influence is evident. The vast majority of our media play to titillating people’s real and souped up sexual appetites, aesthetics and desires. It’s blatant and widespread. But people are so numbed out to it they mostly just assume that’s normal, or immoral and evil. Either way, it’s not much of a conscious, liberating conversation. And so many people are being hurt in that national blind spot — young people, both girls and boys, adults, both women and men, each in different but connected ways. Multi-billion dollar industries across the spectrum — television, publishing, sports, fashion, cosmetics, real estate, music, pharmaceuticals, etc. — manipulate people’s longings, addictions and inadequacies, and promote them, and exploit them. We’re all victims of this to one extent or another, and all perpetrators to one extent or another, too. I applaud you for initiating a national dialogue that encompasses these potent issues, experiences and emotional battlefields, too. It’s no small undertaking.
I can think of a number of good reasons to publish in Penthouse and a number not to. I read your reply with interest, but was disappointed you didn’t say more about your reasons. I agree we’re not trying to tell others what their definition of “good men” should be, but the Good Men Project, has certain values and I think its a valid question to ask if publishing in Penthouse supports those values.
Penthouse, like many publications that are in business to make money, want to include to legitimize their brand. By publishing with them you help them do that. I don’t read Penthouse, so I’m not familiar enough about their corporate stance towards men, women, children, to know whether I’d want to support them.
But I’d like to hear more from you about why you decided to publish there and title your article “‘A Match Made in Heaven?”
Would you publish in Hustler? If not, why not. If you would, on what basis would you do that? I think the dialogue is good, but would like to hear more from you and others who were part of the decision-making group who agreed to publishing in Penthouse.
A full response to the Penthouse decision here:
http://hugoschwyzer.net/2010/09/14/good-men-in-penthouse-tom-matlack-misses-the-mark/
I applaud your decision Tom.
In the end, it’s all about visibility. You want to get the GMP in front of as many eyes as possible. Publishing in Penthouse helps accomplish that.
Some people are upset about aligning yourself with a pornographic magazine. I find this hysterical. Good men indulge in porn occasionally or frequently. Not every man who watches/reads porn is a sex addicted jerk. And not every woman in porn is a poor soul who has been taken advantage of. In fact I’m willing to bet some of these women feel that wielding their own sexuality freely and openly feel this is the highest form of feminism.
The point is you’re not having your stories appear in Nazi Monthly Magazine. Porn is not hate speech. Aligning yourself with a mainstream publication like Penthouse is not a bad thing, and I’m glad you recognized that and forged ahead. And frankly, any sponsor who gets that upset about something like this is probably one you don’t want to work with anyways.
Tom,
I’m with you on your Penthouse decision, but as explained below, I’m disturbed by the way you have defended it.
A friend of Thomas Paine once said to him, “show me a land where there’s freedom. That’s my country.” Paine responded “No, show me a land where there’s no freedom. That’s MY country.” Penthouse is a place of great unfreedom. Good Men should go there.
There is a terrible cost in having a rule that says “don’t associate with any thing or person that’s tainted by wrongdoing.” One of the most famous violators of that rule was Jesus of Nazareth, who hung out with prostitutes, sinners, and the reviled Roman Empire tax collectors. He was onto something.
Hugo Schwyzer makes the case that the legitimizing effect of the Good Men essays on Penthouse outweighs the value of reaching this broader audience. (for his thoughtful response, go to http://www.hugoschwyzer.net ) This calls for a nuanced judgment.
I suppose that with or without the Good Men essays, Penthouse will fill whatever need it feels for legitimizing prose. I also suppose that almost all Penthouse readers will buy and view the magazine either way. Reaching the broader audience seems weightier than the possible legitimizing effects.
But far more important to me is the basis you offer for your decision: essentially, that you cannot make any judgments about Penthouse – or really, for that matter, about whether anything is or isn’t “good.” You express this agnosticism in various ways:
• “I am not good enough to tell you how to be good. Goodness is like faith – I shouldn’t tell you what yours should look like, and you shouldn’t tell me what mine should look like.” Do you have to be good in order to have valuable JUDGMENT (yes, that word) to contribute? Ethics is not a matter of taste. Goodness is not an ice cream flavor. I read your magazine to have people tell me what they think goodness should look like for me, because we share a common human nature. I don’t consider that coercive. Nobody’s got a gun here.
• You say you want to “invite as many men into the discussion as possible,” but if they all forbore from the odious “judgment” you seem determined to avoid, it wouldn’t be much of a discussion, would it? You are concerned about “prostitution, porn, and sexual abuse” but how effective will you be in pursuing these concerns if you won’t make any judgments? Hit us with your best shot!
• “I am not God (thank God). I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not here to judge anybody.” Not being God won’t let you off the hook for making judgments, which can’t really be avoided anyway. The judgment I see in your column is the judgment that judgment is something categorically wrong.
• “Nothing about the Good Men Project is intended to inspire a discussion of why others are bad, evil, eternally damned to hell.” Surely not, but isn’t there is a world of difference between judging people to be bad and judging particular actions to be bad? And notice the judgment you’re making: isn’t it that judging people to be bad treats them as beyond all recovery; and no one should do that to another human being? If so, I share that judgment! I think it’s good!
• “Nowhere in our magazine, in our book, or in my columns will you see an attempt to judge, to proselytize, to be prescriptive in the very meaning of what it means to be a good man.” My first article for the magazine (“Much Ado About Nothing”) appeared today. Before publishing anything here, I tried to read whatever was available in the website archive under “ethics and values, good is good, features,” and a few other headings. The magazine is planted thick with judgments. That’s what convinced me this would be a good place for me to write, read, and build a sense of connection with other men. In many ways, the writers here judge, proselytize and prescribe what it does and doesn’t mean to be good. I’m glad.
I understand that we live in a culture that is sometimes prone to fundamentalism and heavy-handed judgmentalism. But that shouldn’t push us off the playing field. You and your collaborators here have wrapped your arms around goodness very tightly. It is a powerful, positive embrace; but it’s costly, and one of the costs is the responsibility to make judgments about good and bad, right and wrong. They need not be judgments made for all eternity; judgments about the ultimate worth of particular people or groups; or judgments of absolute certainty. They will be imperfect, and they should be provisional, not permanent. But to act in the world, we make judgments. To give each other something unequivocal to push against in order to bring forth something new, we make judgments.
Do you really not believe in making judgments? Say it isn’t so. Or is.
As a female, I see not one thing wrong with pictures or videos made for sexual titillation. I probably have a bigger porn collection than most commenters here.
But I understand why some (ok, lots) of pornography bothers people. Some of our worst social inequalities and anxieties tend to be projected in porn. Racist porn? Check. Misogynistic porn? Check. There is nothing new about this and even a cursory glance at porn from the way back machine will demonstrate this phenomenon. I have a small collection of books with very graphic porn etchings from the 18th century and I started to notice the social theme of the time: religion. Nuns banging monks, young cloistered women greeting winged penises with hoisted skirts, and acts of religious penance (flagellation) being used sexually. I think this was one way for people to channel social anxieties about debates over secularism vs. church power.
What I want people to think about is that naked people sexing it up in front of a camera is not inherently evil or exploitative. However, it’s important to note that the only place where women consistently outrank men in pay is performing in porn or for sex work, industries usually controlled by men. That is what I find exploitative.
So what kind of porn is Penthouse? Lots of faux lesbian slumber parties, kind of silly premises, tons of naked women solo shoots, and a refreshingly hot cast of male characters. (As a woman who watches porn, the amount of unattractive and unkempt men having sex with hot women gets on my nerves. Gay porn is the only place I’ve seen reliably sexy men.) Going through their site I found one video with a questionable title (“Choke on it Bitch” ) that was probably about deep throating. Not my bag, but toying with power dynamics and engaging in rough sex in this way is a huge turn on for some people, regardless of gender.
What I don’t see in Penthouse that I see in some other porn: the message that women enjoying sex are some alien breed of female. That the only way we can describe them is as unabashed no-good slatternly creatures because no respectable woman could enjoy deep penetration, anal sex or oral sex. I mean, we’re only in it for the babies, right?
And this is where people decrying porn as inherently negative collide with porn that is negative: assuming women cannot really be into any of this. That the only reason a woman would have sex in front of a camera for money is drug addiction, low-self esteem or some other social malady. This isn’t to say that doesn’t happen, but this is not the whole story.
I agree that the images are pretty homogeneous but offering slight variations on a theme is what successful porn brands seem to do. Also, large and financially successful brands are hesitant to change anything about their established formula. The answer is not to tell these porn companies to bring in a wider array; the answer is to support porn companies that represent something outside of the mainstream. They’re out there, just use your internet to find them.
So, now that some people are past the knee-jerk reaction of Good Men + Porn = Error, think about the huge benefit of a magazine reaching outside of the bounds of its constituency and singing to the streets instead of the choir. Maybe with enough conversation and reflection about rape culture and the ways we sexualize certain populations, public taste in porn will start to change.
And to Tom: I’m sure the outrage and reactions are difficult to deal with concerning your decision, but it’s hard to reach across the aisle and step outside of thought communities. Big ups.