Online dating is competitive. Kate Houston is a professional online dating profile writer with some tips to help men succeed.
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As an online dating profile writer with an advertising background, I know a lot about selling yourself and standing out against the competition. And men, online dating is competitive.
So let’s review some of the worst online dating mistakes men make followed by advice on how to correct them.
Dressing like you don’t care to hide that you do.
A lot of men fill out their profiles feeling self-conscious about putting themselves out there. For one, the role reversal of being the one on display may not come naturally. In addition, many men mistake being online and looking for love as appearing needy. Yet, looking for love is a basic human need. Online dating merely facilitates it.
With all this discomfort, men can end up trying so hard to look as though they’re “not” trying that, of course, they end up looking lazy and apathetic.
Here’s my suggestion: if you’re struggling with the notion of taking a glamour shot or if you’re worried about coming across too eager, then dress informally, but dress well. Put on flattering jeans and a crisp shirt, and then smile for the camera like you mean it. That few minutes of embarrassment could lead to a lifetime of happiness, so give it your all.
Wearing too many hats.
There’s something suspicious about a man who’s wearing a ball cap, bike helmet and cowboy hat in every photo. If a guy doesn’t include one shot that shows his head, then it will appear as though he’s hiding something. Or, rather, hiding “not something”. If you’re bald or going bald, don’t cover it up. There’s no shame in it. In fact, women find it attractive.
More importantly, if you end up meeting a woman offline, she’ll find out anyway. I’ve heard from a number of women who’ve experienced this and were turned off. Not because of the man’s looks, but because of the man’s obvious embarrassment about his looks. Hiding what you think is a flaw can end up revealing your insecurity, and that’s just not attractive.
Photos of women flanking you.
Over the years that I’ve been a profile writer, I’ve seen countless online dating photos of men with their arms around other women, drinking with beach babes, and posing with half-naked showgirls. This was confusing to me until a male friend said he, himself, has done this—and on the advice of other men. The strategy, he explained, is that by surrounding themselves with beautiful women, men show other women just how attractive they are.
Oh boy.
You should try to do what good advertisers do and consider the message you’re sending from the perspective of the customer. In other words, ask yourself if you really think that a woman is going to enjoy seeing you beaming with pride as other women shower you with attention. Has that ever worked?
If you’re on the extroverted side then there’s nothing wrong with showing a couple of shots of you socializing in mixed company. Otherwise, keep your photos focused on you. A great headshot should be your main photo, followed by a full length shot.
Having absolutely nothing worthwhile to say.
It’s not uncommon for a man to approach a woman at a party and engage in conversation. Yet, put that same man on a dating site and suddenly the ability to sell himself dies as painfully as an old computer. Too many men don’t make an effort to write their dating profiles, let alone write them in a way that’s remarkable. Yet, all it takes is about 250 words.
Though I think you should craft your entire profile with care, at least spend time with the most important part—the opener. Here are two techniques to make it as engaging as possible:
1) Start with a brief anecdote that leads smoothly into some of your interests. Here’s one from a client who enjoyed running, as well as traveling:
“I was once running by a pond in Canada when a giant swan chased me. By the way, no one looks cool being chased by a big bird.”
2) Begin with a funny quirk. A playful disclosure can be disarming and likable right off the top:
“I’ve confused hot pepper with paprika more than once. Needless to say, I’m no cook. I do make wicked smoothies though, does that count?”
An online dating profile is a marketing opportunity. Use it as such. Not feeling comfortable with talking about yourself may explain why you don’t fill out your dating profile. However, it doesn’t explain why you’d let that keep you from truly competing for the attention of someone who can make your life spectacular.
The myth of having her at “hello”
A friend of mine is an intelligent, attractive writer in her late 30’s. She crafted her online dating profile complete with clever anecdotes about her interests, as well as quirky icebreakers. Yet, despite all her work, most of the men who contacted her did nothing more than write “Hi” in the subject line, followed by lame commentary about her good looks. The emails were so generic, they could have been written to anyone. They left her with the impression that she wasn’t worth the effort. She ended up removing her profile because, she confided, the experience was causing her to take a negative view of men.
This is a woman who’s usually upbeat and has no chip on her shoulder. As such, her admission was significant.
Emails are not as difficult as you might think. All you have to do is read a woman’s dating profile and get a sense of what matters to her. For instance, if a woman talks about her love of animals and posts photos of her dog then, clearly, that’s a good angle to address. Your subject line could be as simple as, “From one pet lover to another.” That one unaffected line makes it clear that you’ve read her profile and took a genuine interest in her. Personal subject lines stand out in an inbox and, therefore, have a better chance of being read.
From there, keep your email short and to the point. End it with a question that, again, mentions a subject that matters to her. That way you’ve provided her with an opportunity to easily reply. This is actually an advertising strategy. It’s akin to providing convenient steps to “convert” a customer.
A final piece of advice
Many factors that affect online dating success are not within our control. These include everything from time of year, the ratio of men to women in a particular location, or who’s online when you are (competition included). However, your presentation is in your control. So maximize every marketing opportunity that presents itself.
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Photo: Alex/Flickr
Thanks for the feedback guys. There are no hard and fast rules. What I can tell you is that online dating has been successful for many. I can also tell you that making sweeping generalizations about men, decent or otherwise, and women – will not help you analyze those specific factors that you have control over. So, if you’re efforts on working, try other ones. Archy – it’s great that you reference a woman’s profile. Though I’m a marketing expert, common social sense also dictates that when you show an interest in someone – it’s best to show a real… Read more »
So did your friend send any unsolicited initial messages to men? Or had she decided none of them were ‘worth the effort’? A lot of women seem to think that “Hi” or “Hello, there” is a sufficient first message, and no doubt some men receiving those messages think that those are the kind of messages women wish to get.
The biggest problem with online dating is the general lack of reciprocity, and the resulting lack of empathy. Everyone seems to want the other party to prove that he/she is making the effort first.
There is no shortage of forum posts from guys who write out thoughtful messages to women and get very few replies, less than 10% reply rates even. On the other hand I see plenty of women say they get swamped with messages, so it really does look like women are spoiled? or smothered? for choices and guys have a real difficult time getting replies. In my experience I messaged women with messages that actually showed I did read their profile and it was more than just “hi”. Many of the women’s profiles I’ve seen complain of guys who sent sexual… Read more »
Both those anecdotes come across as trying too hard in the writing department.