Shaky Shergill talks about the importance of learning how hurt he already was.
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One of the first and most useful things that I learnt from being part of the Mankind Project is that I was wounded, not physically but emotionally (and maybe even energetically). Something had happened in my past which was still affecting me, my life and how I saw myself.
This concept of wounding at the time (2006) was a new one for me. I’d lived my life like many others, I assume, working on the premise that I was happy, healthy and whole just like everyone else. However I couldn’t understand the moments of self doubt and depression (both the clinical and everyday kind) that clouded my life. How could something be wrong? I was alive and had so much to be thankful for, however the feelings just wouldn’t go away.
Completing the NWTA (New Warrior Training Adventure) and being part of men’s group for the past six or seven years helped me to realise that yes, I am wounded (emotionally) in ways that I’ve since come to comprehend. I also realised that as a man it’s easier for me to acknowledge physical ailments and injuries as they could be seen and dealt with.
Hurts to my psyche which are not visible or easy to explain were unwelcome. How many times had I heard both myself and others being told to ‘snap out of it’ or to ‘pull myself together’? I’d learnt early on as a boy and then as a man it wasn’t acceptable for me to express negative emotions (sadness, loneliness, despondency and others). So like a good little boy I learnt to push them down, not even acknowledging them to myself unaware of the damage I was doing to myself.
Through the wonder of synchronicity I came across the concept of being wounded from different sources. This helped me to see it at first in others and then finally myself. I learned and came to believe that in some ways we are all (emotionally) wounded, this wounding can come from significant experiences as sexual and physical abuse and from what I call constant low level abuse that we can all be subjected to while growing up. The disapproving look from someone we love, the snort of derision from someone we care about or the unthinking rejection from someone we value, it maybe nothing to them, but it can hurt us.
If we aren’t allowed to examine the wound we’ve been given, acknowledge its cause and effect on us. It continues to fester and poison us, slowly but surely. I believe that in the long run the multiple wounds of low level abuse can have a significant affect on us. The constant and repeated hurts damage our ability to heal, to grow and to trust ourselves.
I believe that as parents we can be responsible for this by unthinkingly falling into the same pattern of wounding that was inflicted on us as we grew up. Sometimes justifying it with the line “well it didn’t do me any harm”. Now, a part of me wants to stop and ask those people; didn’t it do you any harm, really?
Add to this the messages we are given that life is great and we have so much to be thankful for and it’s easy to see to see why people try to hide their wounding even from themselves. Using a variety of substances, actions or beliefs to keep the wound hidden from themselves and others.
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This is where I found myself back in 2006, I’d repeatedly told myself how I had so much to be grateful for and often repeated the litany of; I’ve got a job, a house, I’m married and I have a son. However the more I repeated it the more the litany sounded hollow.
I’d made the mistake of constantly looking towards the light and forgetting the shadows. It was in the company of other men that I gave myself the permission to be honest and being to accept my wounding. As with physical hurts there was the crap that had to be scrapped away so that I could acknowledge what was wrong and begin to accept it. Knowing I was surrounded by men who were going through similar journey’s helped. As did the knowledge that on a regular basis I could look into the shadows and by naming them weaken their hold on me.
Counter to this was also the belief that I was being disloyal to my parents and family by looking at these things let alone dealing with them and bringing them into the open. There was also the so familiar desire to hide the wound with my assorted drugs of choice.
However once the journey had begun it wasn’t easy for me to go back and as it’s progressed at times its been harder to go forward, but I soldier on.
My acceptance of my own wounds has helped me to realise that just as I am wounded so are others and just as my life isn’t perfect others lives may not be perfect either. I can see how someone designer watch or designer handbag can be a way to hide their wounds.
I’d like to think that I’ve learnt compassion for others and myself. I’d also like to think that I’ve learnt patience for myself and others. However I am human and they aren’t always there.
I’m also realising that accepting and dealing with our woundedness is one of the greatest gifts but also most difficult challenges that we face.
If I keep telling myself that I’m OK am I depriving myself of the opportunity to heal and grow? If I keep believing that others are OK I deprive them and myself of the opportunity to connect and learn.
Photo—Capture Queen ™/Flickr