In this week’s edition, John responds to readers’ questions about bathroom banter, an office holiday party gone wild, and a perfume-induced malaise.
Dear John,
I’ve been dating a woman for a few months who is definitely a free spirit in ways that I am not. That’s one of the things I like about her—in general. She was recently relaying an anecdote that I was having trouble processing because it contained what were, to me, two mutually exclusive circumstances: she was carrying on a conversation with her two sisters and her brother-in-law. And she was going to the bathroom. When I asked for clarification, she assured me I had it right: she was literally sitting on the toilet jabbering on with these three people, including her brother-in-law, in the bathroom with her! I replied that I found that to be downright weird; she dismissed my response as another example of how “uptight” I am, which is a bit of a theme with her. I’ll admit the description fits—a little. But that just makes it harder to think clearly about this situation. So I’m asking you: is it normal to have other people follow you into the bathroom so as not to interrupt a conversation? Or is she a little too … whatever the opposite of uptight is?
Sincerely,
Opposites Attract?
Dear Opposites,
I don’t think either of you is “a little too” anything, but you very well may be mismatched.
First of all, there is nothing uptight about wanting privacy in the bathroom and expecting others to want it, too. Inviting everyone to join you so as not to miss a scintillating moment of the conversation about who wore what at the Golden Globes makes her the outlier here, not you. And the fact that they all apparently piled in reveals that this is a family whose boundaries regarding personal space are a little unusual.
That’s hardly a big deal. People have different comfort levels with this type of thing—I once read that President Johnson would oftentimes summon advisors into the bathroom to confer with him while he was perched atop the presidential throne. What is a bigger deal, in my opinion, is how your girlfriend attributed your opinion to your overall uptightness. Maybe you are, but I don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here. In the long run, you may both be better off with partners whose ideas about personal space and privacy are more in sync with yours.
♦◊♦
Dear John,
I’m a middle-aged woman in a pretty stable and mostly good marriage. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have three children. Every year the company that I work for has a holiday party for employees—spouses are not invited. I have gone to the party over the last several years and have always had a nice time. This year I went to the party, drank too much, and ended up having sex with a colleague who is also married. He and I have resumed a normal working relationship and have vowed never to tell anyone. No one else knows about this indiscretion but I’m feeling like a horrible person. My husband would just be disgusted and he might possibly leave me if he found out, but I feel like I should be honest with him and tell him what happened. What do you think?
Signed,
Torn
Dear Torn,
I’m going to go out on a limb here: I don’t think you want to tell your husband about your tryst because you feel guilty. I think you want to tell him because on some level, you want to blow your marriage up.
You say you feel like a horrible person over this, but your letter has an oddly detached, matter-of-fact quality to it. And you don’t say your husband would be hurt or devastated by what you did, but “disgusted.”
I don’t think you should be wondering whether to tell your husband about this. Instead, you should be wondering whether you want to stay in this marriage. If you do, there are a number of things you should do. First, stop drinking altogether. The fact that you would do something so destructive to your family while drunk makes it unwise for you to drink at all. And second, talk to your husband about going to couples counseling together. Telling your husband about your one-night stand is something that should be done with a therapist’s guidance.
It may well be too late to save your marriage. But I think your chances will be bolstered with professional help.
♦◊♦
Dear John,
A group of friends recently took a trip to Paris. I was not able to go for financial reasons and admittedly was a little jealous. My closest friend fell in love with a French perfume on the trip. She bought a bottle and she wears it constantly in generous amounts. Here’s the thing: the smell of the perfume literally makes me sick. We run together and she’ll frequently be wearing the perfume because we usually run after work. The run is hard enough, but the perfume makes me feel like I can’t breathe, and if I do, I feel like I’m going to throw up! I’m afraid if I tell her that her perfume makes me nauseated, she’s going to think it’s about me not being able to go on this trip.
Sincerely,
Gasping
Dear Gasping,
So what if she thinks this is about you not being able to go on the trip? And for that matter, maybe there’s some truth to that. Or maybe you’re having some kind of allergic response. The bottom line is she is wearing a scent that makes you nauseated. Explain to her that there’s some ingredient in her new perfume that is causing you to have this reaction, and would she mind not wearing it when you’re going to be together? If she’s as close a friend as you think, she should be more than willing to accommodate this simple request.
♦◊♦
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at [email protected].
—Photo przemion/Flickr
Uptight tidbit on history of bathroom etiquette: LBJ talked to his advisors while he was on the toilet as a way to discomfort them, to rattle them and show them who was boss. He generally did this with preppy East Coast men who went to Ivy League schools, but he didn’t do it with his family or people from Texas. Not quite the same as the girlfriend in this case. Cynical tidbit about reporting infidelity: If there’s a real chance that the husband will find out from someone else, then you have to tell him. It would be even worse… Read more »
Have you even STUDIED Feminist theory? Not all Feminists are of the “Woman: good. Man: bad” mentality ,as you have so eloquently articulated, they are. Something tells me if your therapists are telling you your actions toward women are sketchy, they are probably sketchy. Here are a few good feminists to start reading –if you’re interested in knowing what you are arguing against (they are very easy on the beginning feminist): Cheris Kramarae (she’s my personal fav!) bell hooks Elizabeth Cady Stanton John Stuart Mill John Lennon Kurt Cobain …to name a few. Not all Feminism seeks to undermine men.… Read more »
I wonder about Opposites’ girlfriend. He says she makes a habit of pointing out how uptight he is. That doesn’t sound like a nice way to treat a guy who you like. The best gift we can give the people we care about is acceptance.
Back in the day, when I was considered ‘attractive’ (and knew it!), I went to a party given by a wealthy man who was renowned for and rejoiced in the many benefits of an abundance of worldy goods. He was also a kind-hearted, witty, amusing man, generous of spirit, loyal and honest. At one point, I asked him if he minded that people turned up at his parties, or ended up in his bed, because of his wealth. He replied, “Do you mind that people make themselves available to you because of your looks?” Somewhat taken aback, I replied: “That’s… Read more »
I think only Americans would blame alcohol solely and completely for a marital infidelity. In Britain, nation of Anglo-Saxon drunks that we are, we see alcohol as a magnifier of stupid behaviour but not the fundamental cause – and we’re well aware of the way people use drunkenness as an excuse for throwing their inhibitions to the winds. Think about the “two-beer queer”, for example – a popular joke in the gay community about the kind of guy who drinks two beers, and is suddenly “drunk” enough to make out with another guy. So I don’t think you’re far wrong… Read more »
No, actually it showed a great lack of compassion.
What compassion is missing? When people screw up, they SHOULD feel guilty. It is her responsibility to own it.
Your response to the woman that cheated on her husband was spot on.
If that woman allows a man to follow her into the bathroom, there may be other things her boyfriend doesn’t know about. I’m just sayin’.
Not necessarily. My friends and I, of both genders, often share hotel rooms, cabins at retreats, and go places where there are gender neutral bathrooms, etc, and we’re all often in and out of the bathroom with each other (though, generally if someone is pooping, privacy is requested and respected). That doesn’t mean I’m shagging every person in the bathroom, just that we feel comfortable doing bathroom things around each other.