Dear John: She Doesn’t Want Him …Until She Can’t Have Him

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About John Simpson,

John is a middle-aged family man from Providence. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. His column runs regularly on


  1. @ Together or not:
    I’ve realized something that bothers me about these types of advice columns, is that the trend seems to be to give these witty, quick, and very curt answers to people. I think it’s maybe the Dan Savage affect. And while it works sometimes a lot of times it comes off as quite d*ckish.
    The answer the columnist gave was right but there is so much more to it, which is why his advice probably went on deaf ears.
    Having been in this exact situation I can say that for me continuing to go back was more about gaining some sort of acceptance than actually loving her. Basically, she would breakup up with me because I wasn’t good enough but then having her come back meant that somehow I magically reached a level that was acceptable by her. So each time for me that acceptance became a bigger and bigger thing. Also when I continued to go back to her I was also tossing aside new people and potentially good relationships, to go back to someone who really cared about nothing more than her own self interest and immediate gratification.
    It’s that thing that I think is in all of us; we want what we can’t have. That’s how it is for the two of you just as it was for my ex and myself. But the thing it’s going to really hurt you in the end. At some point you’re going to realize how much time and energy you’ve wasted on someone that frankly doesn’t give a s**t about your well being. So not only will you be hurt over the loss of being with this person, you will also become very angry and resentful towards this person.
    So, you’re probably going to give it a third shot because a lot of us do. Because, hey, we’re guys and guys fix things that are broken right? But just keep in mind how you feel after each breakup and realize that it’s going to feel worse and worse the more times it happens.
    Trust me, I’m further along than where you are now and you DON’T want to be here.


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