“I am single and the job will be demanding, but I want to make social connections. I am overwhelmed.”
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Hey, Heather
There’s nothing glaringly wrong with my life, but I have less energy and investment than I used to. What can I do to enjoy life more again? I just accepted a new job in a new city, halfway across the country. I am single and the job will likely be very demanding and take up a lot of time and energy, but I also want to make social connections and get to know the city. I am overwhelmed and wondering where to start. –Brian.
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Brian,
I am sure it’s hard to feel excited about your new job when it’s going to be coming with so many changes all at once. Congratulations on getting it, though. Also, I think what you’re doing is incredibly brave and is a bold action to take in your life.
You started your question by saying that you have less energy and investment than you used to but committing to moving for a job requires a lot of energy and investment on your part. Have you recognized yourself for making a bold leap that many would be scared to do? What’s your story about someone who picks up and moves for a job?
It’s a brave thing to do and I am wondering if you have allowed yourself to think of yourself as brave. Have you used the fact that you made this decision as something to be proud of? Do you respect yourself for having made it? Are you incorporating this decision into how you see yourself?
If you’re not, you really should.
Have you heard of fight or flight?
Brian, we humans are hard-wired to have a fight or flight response. When we perceive danger or difficulty, we do one of two things—we fight it out or we disappear from the scene. It sounds like you might be numbing out a bit and that makes sense given you’re preparing to leave your life behind. You have a host of goodbyes to say and things and places you really care about in your old life.
That’s tough stuff and your lack of energy might be explained by that. It’s understandable, too, that you’re feeling less invested and motivated lately. It’s hard to keep building a life there when you know you’re going to leave it soon enough. It’s hard to want to add memories when you’re preparing to leave them behind.
Starting Out and Starting Over
Starting over comes with so many of the same stressors and worries as starting out does. Here are some tips and strategies:
Remember who you are.
As you prepare to change so much in your life, you might start to feel lost. Think about habits and routines you have for how you like to walk through life. How you start your day, what routines and rituals you have, ways you like to spend your time, your preferred sleep and wake time, eating schedule, etc.
I don’t say this to turn you into a ritualized creature but you’ll feel more like yourself if you keep doing you. If you keep being yourself and doing things you would “at home”, your new life will feel familiar faster. Watch your favorite shows and movies; catch up on your favorite online sites.
Yelp is your friend.
Use the app to learn where the best Chinese food is, who has the best pizza, the best café to actually get work done in, etc. Start checking out new places to do your favorite things.
Find the best places to hang out outside. See where there is live music playing. You get the idea. Go to some alone and compile a list of places you want to check out when you want to meet new people.
Do you like to work out?
What’s your favorite way to work out? If you’re a runner, do a search for the best running trails and paths. See if Nike has a free running group in your new city. I am in Boston and they have one here. You can meet up with other running enthusiasts. It’s a low pressure way of meeting new people.
Does ClassPass exist in your area? It’s an easy way to try out a lot of local gyms and classes. You can get to know different places and see which one interests you.
Ask questions.
It’s really hard and intimidating to be the new guy in town. An easy way to break the ice is to ask questions of the locals about the area. Summer is a great time for farmer’s markets in most areas. Explore a few of them and talk to the vendors. They usually love chatting and can tell you about cool local places to check out.
Make eye contact and smile.
You might feel like meeting new people falls all on you. That can be both intimidating and exhausting. Instead of worrying about how you’re going to meet new people or what you’re going to say, just make a promise to yourself that you’ll smile and make eye contact with people when you’re out in public. That can be the easiest way to start a conversation ever.
Be social at work.
When you’re new, it’s easy to be quiet and wait until you’re spoken to. Take a chance on being social. Asking people about themselves will take the pressure and focus off of you. More importantly, follow up! If you hear someone talking about weekend plans, ask on Monday how they were. Listen for details that will help you get to know people and follow up. Soon, they’ll be doing the same for you.
Just say yes.
When you do start meeting people and having conversations, make a second promise to yourself. If you’re asked to do something or if you’re invited somewhere, promise yourself that you’ll say yes.
Everything is going to be new and intimidating and it’s going to be tempting to hide at work or in your new place but saying yes to new opportunities will help you meet new people and will help you find your way around the city all the more quickly. The faster things feel familiar and the more faces that become familiar, the faster you’ll start to feel settled.
Good luck. You’ve got this.
Photo: Getty