Jealousy isn’t the problem. It’s a symptom.
One of the most common questions polyamorous people get from our monogamous friends and family is about jealousy. Don’t we ever experience jealousy? How do we handle the green-eyed monster when we do?
So for the record, yes, poly people do sometimes experience jealousy. I suspect we get jealous about as often as monogamous people do, and over the same things. Embracing a polyamorous lifestyle doesn’t suddenly make you “more evolved” or somehow “above” a “petty” emotion like jealousy. It’s also important to note that jealous and envy, while related, are not the same thing. Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy is about fear.
Jealousy commonly appears when someone feels threatened, vulnerable, mistreated or insecure in their relationship, or doubts the commitment of their partner for some reason (usually connected to insecurity or perceived or actual mistreatment). But jealousy isn’t actually the problem. It’s the symptom.
The way to address jealousy most effectively is to go after the root cause of it, rather than the emotional reaction. Instead of denial, talk about the jealousy. Figure out where it is coming from, and why you are experiencing it. One of the keys to making a poly relationship work (and this is just as true for monogamous ones) is open and honest communication. That means talking about your hopes and dreams as well as your fears. Whether or not they are realistic or rational.
That last part is particularly important. Irrational fears are much more likely to provoke jealousy. Insecurity and fear of rejection frequently manifest completely out of thin air, with no rational or reasonable basis for existence. Small slights and doubts can quickly become magnified all out of proportion. And human nature drives us to cover up our fears. Embarrassment alone can silence us.
This is not to mean or imply that jealousy is always irrational or invalid. Jealousy, as we said, is a symptom, and it might very well be a symptom of something real and dangerous to the stability of the relationship. Figuring out whether or not it is rational only grows in importance.
If we as individuals can overcome our reluctance to confront unpleasant emotions and feelings like jealousy, the battle is half over. Taking about it will almost inevitably lead you to the source of your jealousy. Is it fear of abandonment? Fear of loss or rejection? Anger or sadness? Feelings of inadequacy? Jealousy is a cover for something else, often with a real or rational basis buried deep down. Dealing with it may require facing some deep-seated fears, over a period of months or longer. Counseling or consulting a mental health professional may be helpful, or even necessary, to get through a spate of jealousy. But understanding that these feelings are common, and point to unresolved fears that need addressing, are critical to overcoming shame, fear, and denial in all of your relationships.
I THINK JEALOUSY IS SOMETHING DANGEROUS NOT ONLY IN THE FAMILIES BUT ALSO IN THE COMMUNITY MOSTLY IN WOMEN WHERE BY YOU SEE PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH THEY TEND NOT TO TALK TO ONE ONTHER SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE IS A LEADER SHE HAS A GOOD CAR ETC
I have always maintained, as many have; Jealousy Is Fear of Loss. Even today, as the owner of a successful swingers-nightclub and lifelong non-monogamous practitioner , I too succumb to fear of loss on occasion and allow jealousy to interfere with my otherwise functional sense of order and peace.
Paul Smith
Ron Jeremy’s Club Sesso
Sounds like jealousy and fear to me.. Great article. I guess he wants stats on how polyamorous people actually get jealous? I used to have a recurring dream about my partner who was with someone else – usually from one of my memories. I’d wake up crying. It was sheer pain and fear. Then, I’d ruin his day by throwing a tantrum and yelling at him. To this day we still talk about those dreams. Nothing is left unsaid. It is rare and it is awesome. Is that the proof for the jealousy in a poly amorous relationship your reader… Read more »
Jealousy invariably gets pinned on the person who is feeling jealous. So let me get this straight – jealousy means that you either have an irrational fear or else your partner is mistreating you. Either way, your partner’s not going to want to hear about it. Especially if it’s the latter. I really don’t see how poly people have any of this figured out. If anything, they might raise the closeting of jealousy to an art form. This is one of my major misgivings about poly relationships – that they might have even less tolerance for jealousy than regular relationships.… Read more »
As I said in the piece, jealousy appears for a lot of reasons, rational or otherwise. If you came away with the impression that I believe all jealousy comes from either irrational fear or mistreatment, I didn’t make myself clear enough. Regardless of what causes jealousy, confronting it quickly is the best course of action. We all know what can happen if jealousy is left to fester for too long. And jealousy is one of those things that you have to talk to your partner about, whether either of you want to or not. I don’t think poly people have… Read more »