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In no particular order, here is a list of the 10 best and worst things you can say to a person with depression, and the reasons why you should and shouldn’t say them.
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The Worst
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Depression isn’t real. At the end of the day, this is just plain ignorant. Depression is a serious illness that can affect every aspect of a person’s life. To belittle it in this way can be extremely offensive.
Just get over it. People don’t enjoy being depressed. If they could just “get over it,” then they would.
You have a mental illness? Then you must be crazy! Again, this is extremely ignorant. Mental illnesses are just like physical illnesses – you treat them and get better. Having depression does not make someone crazy.
I know how you feel. This is OK if you have suffered from depression and you actually do know how the person feels. But if you haven’t, it can be really annoying.
We all have bad days now and then. Depression is far more than just a “bad day”. It is a serious illness that can be life-threatening.
You can’t be depressed – there are so many people in the world who are worse off than you. This is equivalent to saying “you can’t be happy, because there are so many people in the world who are better off than you!” Everyone is entitled to their happiness, in the same way that everyone is entitled to their pain.
It’s all in your head. This just isn’t helpful, and can come across as very dismissive.
Look how lucky you are. Again, depression is an illness. “Lucky” people can suffer too. In fact, if you read my memoir (available for free on my website), you’ll see that it is entirely possible to be very conscious of how “lucky” you are but at the same time feel miserably suicidal.
Just think positive. Even the most positive people in the world can fall victim to depression. If you don’t believe me, again feel free to read my memoir. Over a four year period, I went through countless bouts of depression that almost led me to suicide, but there’s no way that you can read my story and deny that I’m a very positive person. This point goes back to that whole “depression is an illness” thing. Anyone can fall victim – positive people included.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. For the last time, depression is an illness. It can develop for a myriad of reasons, and certainly doesn’t imply that the sufferer is just wallowing in self-pity.
–The Best
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I love you. People with depression often don’t love themselves, and thus find it impossible to believe that anyone else can. So if you do love someone who happens to suffer from depression, it can do wonders for them when you reiterate it.
I’m here for you. This is what people with depression need – your support.
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Again, the best thing you can offer them is your support.
Would you like to talk about what you’re going through? Being willing to listen is great – just make sure you don’t pressure them into talking if they’re not ready to.
I don’t quite understand what you’re going through, but I’m here to support you anyway. If you don’t understand, then that’s OK. Just say so and be there for them – instead of acting like you do.
I’m sorry you’re in pain. This is warm and compassionate and shows you’re on their side.
I’ve suffered from depression myself. If this is actually true – and you’re comfortable saying it – then this can be a great disclosure to make, as it helps the sufferer realize that they’re not alone.
Have you made an appointment to see a doctor? Such a response implicitly acknowledges the person’s pain and also encourages them to seek help – both very good things.
This must be very hard for you, but you’re going to get through this. Reinforcing a positive message can give the sufferer hope.
Is there something we can do together to take your mind off it? Try to encourage them to take part in joyful activities.
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How about you? What are the best and worst things you’ve heard when you’ve told someone that you’re suffering from depression?
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If you enjoyed reading my post, I encourage you to visit my website at www.depressionisnotdestiny.com and download a FREE copy of The Danny Baker Story – How I came to write ‘I will not kill myself, Olivia’ and found the Depression Is Not Destiny Campaign. It’s my memoir recounting my struggle and eventual triumph over depression, which has been described by multiple-bestselling author Nick Bleszynski as “beautifully written, powerful, heartfelt, insightful and inspiring … a testament to hope.”
Depression is a Liar: Recovery IS Possible, Even if You Can’t Always See It
Women Seek Help, Men Die: New Findings on Depression and Suicide Will Save Millions of Lives
You’re Not Alone—We’re All Battling Something
Attention All Men: Time to Soften the F*ck Up
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I am still recovering from my depression and know I am getting better. The two most crippling statements for me are when some throws out the “Why dont you….” or ” you should have….” To me both reflect that someone in your life is not satisfied with a decision or act. I get it, I am not always happy with my decision or act but I probably dont need it reinforced. I want to remain accountable for my words and actions and not blame depression or make it a blanket excuse for everything but there are more loving words to… Read more »
Great article, Danny!
I spent years being challenged by depression – and some of those things on the “worst” list would really get under my skin! UGH! I’m in a much better place now after years of struggle.
Now I write to inspire others to break out of depression and become active participants in their own mental, physical and spiritual health on my website: http://www.BethSawickie.com
All the best to you!
I’ve just written a blog post on depression myself… It’s called “Why don’t we talk about depression?”
here’s the link
http://limpetgirl.blogspot.com/2015/01/why-dont-we-talk-about-depression.html
or just visit my blog
limpetgirl.blogspot.com
All very true! Thanks for posting. 🙂
Depression can be very individual. I spent most of my teen and adult years slogging through depression with a few up and some really deep holes. I’ve come to understand it as part of my spiritual journey and have learned how to appreciate the places depression can take me to in myself. It’s now part of my journey of healing.
As someone who suffered about three depressive episodes over the last 15 years and has a sister who sufferes from depression, I thank you so much for writing this down. You are just so right and the worst-list-things are just so f*cking frequent (much more than the things in the other list, unfortunately). These things make me so aggressive. And yeah, I am also positive – I am exetremely optimistic normally laugh the whole day – but I still suffered from depressive episodes and I am scared as hell that they might come back. The only thing that I would… Read more »
Worst things said to me: (family members), I don’t believe in depression; (therapist), depression is not a mental illness; (doctor, regarding antidepressants), take a drink, pop a pill – they’re all the same; (boyfriend during a terrible argument), you’re so miserable, why don’t you just put a gun to your head and blow your brains out; and many, many more. Best things said to me: Another woman in our group therapy session for survivors of sexual abuse was so very kind and nurturing to me one particularly bad day. I don’t remember her words, but her compassion, sincerity and genuine… Read more »
A 24 year old writer. Makes sense. Back when I was 24 I also believed everything this article had to say. I also suffered from sever depression at that time in my life as well. It was when I finally learned the heard lesson that everything in this article is total crap that I gained the strength to fix myself. Life is never going to coddle you. It is survival of the fittest. Help yourself and stop being a burden to others, because no one is going to help you. People will not stay by your side. They will leave… Read more »
Poof, i just want to give you a hug…
Such a sad comment full of bitterness and anger.
The best from my therapist:: “You’re going to get bettter; right now you’re in a dark place, but you are not there alone.
The best from my church–I’m a pastor. “Take all the time you need; ask us for whatever you need. We love you.”
If you smile, you’ll feel better! I never found that advice very helpful.
Hmmm, interesting that this Dr. Which character hasn’t come back to defend his point of view. I don’t suppose he suffers from depression himself, or ever has, which explains his sanctimonious notion that Danny’s post is wrong. I’d like to know what evidence-based medicine says it does not work. I score high on the BPD scale when I’m under intense professional pressure, and I have had depression for some years now, AND been in therapy (a combination of CBT and several other “deeper” techniques), and I think Dr. Which’s advice will in some cases lead to disaster rather than cure.… Read more »
Thank you for this. Many of the statements you mentioned also are applicable to eating disorders. I suffered from anorexia and mild depression for years and, while I’m doing much better these days, there are still times when I find myself in a depressive state and feel there is no one in whom to confide because no one really understands. It’s nice to know there are others out there who understand that certain things aren’t just phases or something you can just “get over.”
Depression can arrive biologically and/or situational. I think medications with therapy are the best solution in my experience. (Yes mine is biological). I have been depressed/anxious since a young child, and having supportive people have helped; as a child medication wasn’t an option. As an adult, what helped the “most” was finding the right medicine, which has also changed so much over the years into my adulthood, and sadly many give up because finding the right one that works can be a real challenge. Each individual is unique in what works for them, but a positive environment, positive examples and… Read more »
Dr. Which I have been diagnosed with severe depression and to be honest didn’t really like anything you’ve said. Why go in and talk down on danny when hes there giving encouraging words and the do’s and don’ts for people around the depressed person. I was a behavioral health tech in group house for years as management so im not illiterate for what i’m going through. On that note. Danny baker. You really did say encouraging words for the do’s especailly feeling loved. Thats why my depression came so strongly. Not feeling wanted. At my peek of depression back in… Read more »
Sorry but this is the counsellors’ guide and evidence based medicine says it does not work. It is avoiding the issues and confriming their problem. It is saying what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear. It can make them worse, especially if there is comorbidity with BOrderline Personality Disorder. And probably best not to send them to a doctor either. The evidence supports the use of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or Rational Emotive Therapy as the first line treatment particularly in terms of long term recovery rates. Problem solving, internal change and empowerment through a transfer… Read more »
Hi Dr Which,
I found your comment somewhat difficult to follow … “counselor’s guide?” What do you mean by that? And how does “evidenced-based medicine” prove that the above best things to say to someone with depression “don’t work”?
I agree with you about therapy being extremely help etc – I only said seeing a doctor because you need to see one to be referred to a psychologist who can give you CBT training (at least in Australia where I’m from – perhaps this isn’t the case in other countries).
Cheers,
Danny
Dr. WHich: I can only say I would not trust you as a therapist. did the CBT. I KNEW that stuff in my heart and mind but did not get better without drugs. Talk about kicking someone when they are down.
Danny: Awesome! What you have to say is encouraging. and depressed people need encouragement. They need hope. Their light at the end of the tunnel has gone out and to have someone helping them to get it re-lit is inspiring. Thanks. {{hugs}}
I’m glad I could help, Gredina. My Depression Is Not Destiny Campaign is all about offering hope and encouragement to sufferers of depression, so definitely check that out at http://www.depressionisnotdestiny.com 🙂
Through the past 13 years, I’ve used CBT countless times and have found that it’s very effective with adolescent boys. Simply put, identifying an event, bringing that event to a conscious level and breaking it down into thoughts and feelings. Subconscious to conscious level. So many of these kids I’ve worked with, what they do, when they do it becomes the norm, without conscious thought of why they’re doing it. I went through and conducted a similar program when I was in the corporate world when I worked with staff who struggled in certain situations. Of course CBT isn’t the… Read more »
Dr. Which – CBT can be valuable, but only when the sufferer has risen far enough above the depression to have will. Depression is an illness that cripples and enervates, and it must be treated as such. I was only able to begin to use cognitive techniques until medication brought me up to a level of action. You would not tell a person with diabetes they have to work on their behavior, would you? Diet and exercise are important to a point, but when I couldn’t get out of bed for a week such things were totally moot. At worst… Read more »
Jon, thank you for acknowledging that CBT (and other cognitive-based therapies) are not the ‘gold standard’ of treatment for major depression. Yes, we need to work steadily with whatever (to paraphrase) “brings us up to a level of action.” (Take a look at the work of Peter A. Levine, who invented a body-based psychotherapy called Somatic Experiencing, and has written a masterful book called “In An Unspoken Voice” — it’s my “bible” for understanding the effects and treatments of trauma — I mention it here because I think there are many commonalities between how depression and trauma alter the whole… Read more »
Dr Which, I’m curious, do you believe that chemical imbalances may cause a depression? And if so, where do you stand with respect to medication? As a side note to what Jon said. I’m a type 2 diabetic. And yes, depending on the level, diet and exercise can make all the difference in the world. I took myself off my meds for diabetes. I’d changed my diet and my activity level. I recently had my annual physical. My labs came back and my diabetes was found to be under control. The doc said “keep up the good work.” I never… Read more »
Dr Which, you sound like a scientologist. Are you?
Thanks for this piece. I think another important thing to say is “We don’t have to talk.” At my worst I’ve been unable to talk at all. And sometimes the effort to interact with others is just too overwhelming–this has been what’s kept me secluded at times. For me depression has often been actual physical pain, so I’ve always disliked the term “mood disorder”–it’s more like existence disorder. And pursuant to that, I greatly resent medication being thought of as “happy pills.” So an exasperated “Aren’t you taking your meds?” is not good to hear either. Ultimately I don’t blame… Read more »
Thanks. I have Been on both sides of this situation. Your advice is perfect.
I thought this was a great list, I think there may have been a few changes in my top ten. *you just want attention and/ or you are just being a drama queen. For example, but overall a great list. Where you lost me was in your biography,, where you stated your “triumphed” over depression. That word was very belittling to me. You acknowledge the fact that it is an ILLNESS, and it is chronic. It can be lived with, managed, but “triumphed”? Well, I guess, I’m just a failure then. Twenty plus years, I’ve lived with it, it’s almost… Read more »
Hi Susan,
I definitely never said I thought depression was “chronic”. It is an illness, and it can be beaten – which is why I used the word “triumphed”. I’m sorry my use of the word offended you, but if one has beaten it, then it’s the appropriate word to use.
Worst …about “look how lucky you are “, look at all you have to be thankful for , there ate lots of people worse off than you. WELL, it doesn’t make me feel any better to know that there are people “worse off” than me. I know I have a lot to be thankful for…but depression IS a disease that you simply cannot “think or will it away” . Nice article . And ,I also know the feeling of “you’re so miserable you can’t even stand yourself , misery loves company”…..who WANTS to be miserable?
“Pray” is the worst advice ever. It’s like being told you don’t pray thats why you’re depressed. Or worse prayer will fix it all.
I’ve heard all of the bad ones, and many said to me by psychologists and psychiatrists. It’s worse when you have doctors and psychologists in the family or just plain know-it-alls. Out of the good ones the only one that doesn’t help is telling me that I’m going to get through it, because I just don’t believe it. My family gets angry at me, but I can’t help it if I don’t believe it. I’m not doing it on purpose. I’ve also heard, but you have a job, but you get your pay check even if you are on sick… Read more »
Best advice to someone who is depressed: Pray.
Best reminder to someone who is depressed: God wouldn’t give you something you couldn’t handle.
Now, the quote “god wouldn’t give you something you can’t handle” is plain out and out false. He can and does, so we run back to Him. And when you are suicidally depressed, it IS more than you can handle, hence the suicidal thoughts. Pray; yes. God loves you: yes. I am here for you and I will pray: yes. God is still there and knows your pain; yes. But leave that unbiblical statement out.
The question i most hate: Why?
Like there must be some deep hidden excuse for my behaviour. Not just brain chemistry or missfiring neurons. Like we will come to a “root cause”, something that if “solved” will make the hurt dissapear.
There are different kinds of depression, too. I suffer from what is best called “acedia,” which early Christian monks nicknamed the “Noonday Demon.” The difference between straight depression and acedia is that in acedia, you don’t care that you don’t care. It is the failure of all connection between oneself and the world — perhaps you could think of it as an endless “meh” or “whatever!” Your life slows to a halt because you see no particular reason to do anything whatsoever. At the same time, though, you feel no emotional stress or misery. You can intellectually appreciate what you… Read more »
I think the worst for me was: “Not only are you depressing yourself, but you’re also depressing those around you.” That was (still is) devastating.
Absolutely! My worst was when a colleague said to me in front of the other 15 people in a meeting, “Oh, for f*ck’s sake, get out of the doldrums. You’re dragging us all down.” I don’t even remember what I had said, but I know it couldn’t have been a genuine feeling, since I stopped expressing those long ago!!
I’ve heard that one from my family. I still hear it. It is devastating Ree. It makes you feel so helpless, alone and misunderstood.