Ken Solin believes there are few, if any, relationships where emotional honesty doesn’t play a role. And “no one wins when the truth gets beat up.”
I was pleasantly surprised when my recent article in The Huffington Post about emotional honesty in relationships received over 2,100 comments in a few days. Clearly, it pushed a lot of men’s buttons, and some women seemed unclear about how it works in relationships.
The common denominator for most of the men’s comments was fear. My goal is to allay that fear and encourage men to stretch beyond their relationship boundaries.
Some men vigorously protested that emotional honesty with a woman is suicidal, and that one of two things would surely occur. First, that the relationship would instantly become a friendship and love would be out the window. Second, that women don’t respect men who are emotionally honest.
The truth is: there are few, if any, successful relationships in which emotional honesty doesn’t play a significant role. The goal is for men to break through their existing relationship barriers and create a deeper dialogue. This pushes a lot of folks past their comfort zone, but that’s how emotional growth is achieved.
“I like you. I feel good about us. I’ll call you,” after a first date isn’t emotionally honest if you don’t mean it, and no one’s feelings are spared when the truth is spared.
A woman who surprises her partner by informing him she met another guy and fell in love isn’t being emotionally honest, because she was looking and failed to be truthful about how she was feeling about their relationship. She trashed his feelings rather than tell him she wasn’t satisfied with their relationship and wanted to date.
The purpose of men being emotionally honest isn’t just to satisfy women, but also to live in integrity as men. A man who shares his emotional truth is simply being honest.
But what does that look like to women, and what’s their perception of that man? There’s an enormous difference between a man being emotional, and a man being emotionally honest.
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The image suggested in some men’s comments — of a guy sobbing out his pain to a woman and being rebuked for his effort — is anathema to me. That’s just being emotional, and isn’t necessarily even honest.
When women said they wanted men to be more emotional, sometimes what they got instead was emotional men, not emotionally honest men. There’s some confusion regarding the difference.
Women respect a man who demonstrates the courage, confidence, skill, and willingness to articulate how he’s feeling about them. Women don’t necessarily respect men who are just being emotional.
The dilemma for men is due, in part, to the ambivalent manner in which women sometimes treat men who express their authentic feelings. Women can’t have it both ways if they want to know how a man is feeling about them.
A woman may not like hearing how her guy feels about her or their relationship, but she’ll know his truth, and she can work with that. A man who speaks from his heart is sharing his absolute truth, and as such, deserves respect. Of course it works both ways.
I urge women to listen without judgment if they want to continue hearing their partner’s truth. Verbalizing emotional honesty isn’t second nature for most men, and men deserve to be respected, not judged.
This can be tricky because no one likes bad news, particularly if he or she doesn’t share the bearer of that bad news’ sentiments. Still, I believe most people prefer to operate knowing the truth. In any case, emotional honesty is off limits to judgment.
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For emotional honesty to become the benchmark in relationships, the first roadblock to crash through is fear. How a woman treats a man’s emotional honesty matters. It takes courage for men to move beyond their fear and be emotionally honest.
The games men sometimes play in relationships are meant to keep women off-balance. Men want to feel safe, and keeping their feelings to themselves can feel safer than sharing them and getting trashed for their effort. Women who insist they want honesty and then bash a guy who shares his true feelings are just playing a woman’s version of a relationship game.
No one wins when the truth gets beaten up.
Men and women know that being emotionally honest can feel tenuous, so responding to it with appreciation and mutual respect creates a sense of safety. Sitting quietly together and having an open and honest dialogue might cause some anxiety. Yet if both partners remain cool and open, and resist acting defensively, they’ll be on a path to deepening intimacy.
It’s okay for a woman to express her feeling about a man’s shared emotional honesty. That’s her right, and since she’s expressing her feelings, she’s not being judgmental.
If the conversation devolves into a volley between “Here’s how I feel” versus “Here’s what I think about how you feel”, it’s game over. Emotional honesty is best met with emotional honesty.
The walls in relationships can be broken down when both partners trust each other enough to speak their emotional truths.
“Where there’s no trust, there’s no love,” was my mentor’s sage wisdom.
What are your thoughts on this? Have an experience you would like to share? Join the conversation below.
Wow. So many men today calling women out, and playing it how they see it. Good on them(Big happy grin). As I understand it, men are reacting/responding to their/through their experiences with women. And as such, I believe men and their experiences deserve consideration, earnest investigation, and vitally… Validation(The healing start with this). Generally, with the odd exception, I don’t expect emotional honesty from women. This is my view based on my own experiences with women. I have of course done much investigation regard women before locking my views in place. And make no mistake, locked in they are. In… Read more »
And for the record there is nothing as painful as breaking into tears over a truly devastating loss and watching your girlfriend recoil in disgust. Better to cry alone.
Emotions for men are the equivalent of farting for women. We know it happens but we try to hide it from each other to maintain attraction.
I have seen a few comments suggesting that women can’t handle to much truth/the truth , while I am sure there are many women that don’t want the truth ,I think it is unfair to decide what might be to much truth for someone. You might be surprised to find out that there are more accepting women out there then you think. I come from a family of women , we have all been in love with men who have issues worse then our own , we have embraced and loved them as part of our family, we have showed… Read more »
Collin, please accept that I am in no way trying to patronize you, and my only purpose was to try to help you. I’m sorry you took that as patronizing. What I’ve learned over 20 years working with men is that IQ is of little help when life isn’t going as planned. Suggesting therapy was my way of reaching out in the only manner I know how. Clearly, I can’t help you myself, and perhaps therapy is a waste of time for you. I don’t know what else I can say, except to wish you well and to emphasize that… Read more »
You’re right that IQ is of little help when things aren’t going as planned. Unfortunately, it is a massive barrier to understanding when dealing with a therapist. Someone with an average IQ can’t comprehend what goes on in the mind of a person with an IQ that is one in a million. It isn’t entirely their fault; it is just the way it is. Are there incredibly good and prominent therapists who can and do deal with the incredibly gifted? Certainly. I’m sure there are a bunch of them here in NYC where I live. Unfortunately, they are the ones… Read more »
Collin, I like your style. 3+sd can be a lonely place. You have highlighted an important issue that relates to diversity. People get(?) race, sex, gender, sexuality and so many things they can quantify and relate to. Yet, when new and novel issues of diversity arise all too often people retreat into well trodden tropes and look to box up the issues in old packaging! I like your honesty when you say: “I understand all the nuances and issues with my situation. My comprehension of everything is well beyond that of the vast majority of therapists. My brilliance combined with… Read more »
You are quite right; it is very lonely so far outside the range of normal. It’s great in terms of impressing others, but it isn’t so good when you’re trying to actually connect with a person. I don’t want my intelligence to be intimidating to people, but it always is. I have also found a different reaction to unexpected diversity in the from of immense curiosity. People find out you’re incredibly different in some way and they want to study you, poke you, and test you like some lab experiment. I’m glad you like my honesty! I cannot tell you… Read more »
Collin, One last thought. Your attitude about therapists notwithstanding, perhaps you would consider joining a group of similarly gifted people who meet regularly to discuss their issues. There’s a lot of comfort derived from belonging to a small group of like minded, gifted folks who are dedicated to each other’s well being. More than anything Collin, I hope you get the support you deserve. I respect you and your intelligence, and as a father of a 45 year old son, I do feel for you in your struggle. Kindly consider me as much of a friend as anyone on a… Read more »
“Perhaps the problem is that you haven’t created a jet engine for your ass! VTOL has a whole host of other issues you’d have to resolve aside from the engine if that was your goal!” Yes Quite! You just can’t pass the medical to get the requisite Pilots Licence. P^) I’ve come across so many people who are diverse in so many different ways – the lady who at 14 had breasts that were like two basket balls (double M cup), breast reduction by 80% aged 18, on medical grounds due to the spinal damage. School was not fun –… Read more »
Thank you for taking the time to express your point of view so articulately. I want to be clear about why I suggest a strategy for men, and not women. First, my work is with men, not women, so I talk to men, not women. That doesn’t mean I believe women deserve a pass in terms of emotional honesty, but rather that men have no control over how women behave, but they do have control over their own behavior. I’ve always believed that when a man takes the moral high ground, he becomes a beacon, not only for other men,… Read more »
Media Hound, Thank you for taking the time to express your point of view so articulately. I want to be clear about why I suggest a strategy for men, and not women. First, my work is with men, not women, so I talk to men, not women. That doesn’t mean I believe women deserve a pass in terms of emotional honesty, but rather that men have no control over how women behave, but they do have control over their own behavior. I’ve always believed that when a man takes the moral high ground, he becomes a beacon, not only for… Read more »
Here is the problem with your patronizing attitude toward me. I am far more intelligent than you are. This is just merely a fact of the world. The suggestion that I go and get therapy is nice, but it is something that I’ve known and explored already. To be honest, I have found therapists to be completely useless. They don’t know what they’re talking about, and they don’t warrant the money they demand. I have never had an experience with a therapist that didn’t give me any sort of insight that I hadn’t already made on my own. Is there… Read more »
Hello, this is to everyone: let’s keep the conversation civil and refrain from personal attacks. Also, let’s refrain from making assumptions about other commenters. Thanks.
Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them. Epictetus Ken – I’m known for being “pernickity” over language, and one thing you have said in your response “pernicked”. I could write in detail about it – but it’s easier and even more valid if you “See” it! The old saying “A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words” is so true. I would like you to look at the image HERE – and then consider, if circles have values that you may have missed? “Collin’s current path will lead him in circles, and that’s… Read more »
I’m honestly not sure where to start here. Between this and the stuff in your comments, you are basically saying that men can be honest, unless they actually have bad things to be honest about. That’s not exactly fair is it. You’re also basically saying that anyone who has had bad things happen to them is SOL. They can either not share and be emotionally dishonest, or they can share and then it is perfectly reasonable for women to bolt for the door. Why is it that men aren’t allowed to share their problems, their hurt, the dark places in… Read more »
Whether or not a woman you meet appreciates you for your dark history or not is not the issue. Some will run, some will see the more in you that’s good and worth taking a risk. What I’m saying is that telling the truth is the only way to begin, conduct, and end any relationship. It’s not your fault if you share your story and a woman rejects you for it. That’s her issue, not yours, because all any man can do is show up and be himself, warts and all. That life is war isn’t the point here. Living… Read more »
That’s a complete load of BS and you know it. There is no inner peace from serial rejection because of who are you. It is better to lie and receive affection than to be honest and receive nothing.
Collin, you are in so much pain that it’s difficult for me to fully grasp the depth of it. I’m so sorry for your situation. But to lie to get affection seems desperate and wrong, particularly because the lie will come to light soon enough, and you will find yourself back where you started, alone and sad.
Please Collin, you appear to be a young man with a lot of life still to live. Perhaps counseling might help you find your way. Please consider it.
Best,
Ken
There is a great line from a few good men that I feel is quite relevant to this whole thing. “You can’t handle the truth.” It is true for most people, and certainly for most women. You say hiding the truth will come to light soon enough, but I disagree with this. It isn’t difficult to hide things, especially when there is no one to counter your narrative. Perhaps you’ve never heard of secrets? Also, a brief respite, I imagine, is better than not. Better to have been loved and lost than never having been loved at all. Everybody is… Read more »
“Whether or not a woman you meet appreciates you for your dark history or not is not the issue. Some will run, some will see the more in you that’s good and worth taking a risk.” Ken – why is it that when you communicate there is this imbalance – which always has a negative edge about men? Why are you using the word “Risk”? Are men to be seen as Risks for Women to asses? Is it not possible for there to be no Risk and for the assessment to be wrong – incorrect – false – nothing to… Read more »
I agree with this, times a thousand: “The dilemma for men is due, in part, to the ambivalent manner in which women sometimes treat men who express their authentic feelings. Women can’t have it both ways if they want to know how a man is feeling about them.” In my experience, many people who say they want the truth are not actually asking for the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There tend to be some huge implied limitations on truth sharing, like tell me the truth but of course I don’t want to hear about ___ or ___… Read more »
In my experience, women – particularly young women – don’t respond well to emotional honesty at all. If you admit to being afraid, they look down on you. If you admit to being depressed, they think you’re weak. If you have insecurities, they think you’re pathetic. You don’t have to ‘act’ these things; you just have to admit to them. And like it or not, people’s impressions are formed when they’re young. It doesn’t matter what women want at 30 or 35; we’ll always remember how they acted when we were 20. I wish someone would concern themselves with some… Read more »
Soullite, I think you missed my point. Telling a woman you’re afraid is just being emotional. Sharing what your fear is about is being emotionally honest. One is weak, the other is strong and will be respected. I never suggested men whine to women by emoting without a deeper explanation of their feelings. Telling a woman you’re depressed is simply the wrong way to navigate a relationship because it doesn’t leave a woman any place to go, except for the door. What human being wants to enter into a relationship with another human being who expresses they’re depressed? That’s not… Read more »
No, it isn’t ‘being’ emotional. It’s being honest and open about how you feel. SHOWING emotion is being emotional. Talking about emotion is emotional honesty. Throwing up sexist canards about ‘whining’ is just a smokescreen. The problem here isn’t men. The problem is women expecting men to be something more than human; to not have emotions they think men shouldn’t have. That is, quite frankly, Bullshit. I am starting to get the distinct feeling that you have no idea what you’re talking about. You clearly don’t understand anything about clinical depression. It will never be the woman’s to ‘solve’ –… Read more »
Great points Soulite.
You can concern yourself with ‘fairness’ or with ‘honesty’. You cannot have both; there is an inherent conflict there. If I hide emotions because I don’t think she can ‘relate’ to them, then I can’t be honest. If I tell her about emotions she can’t understand (or more likely, just doesn’t want to), then I’m not being ‘fair’ under your paradigm (which I clearly don’t accept). So which is it? Fairness or honesty. Because you don’t title this post ‘Men and emotional fairness’. When I used to work in a restaurant, and I cooked until closing time and closed down… Read more »
Soulite, I understand your position and offer this response for what you touch on in this statement : “In my experience, women – particularly young women – don’t respond well to emotional honesty at all. If you admit to being afraid, they look down on you. If you admit to being depressed, they think you’re weak. If you have insecurities, they think you’re pathetic. I think that the women who have responded to your emotional honesty in these negative ways are themselves flawed in a way that proves to you they are not a quality partner. Nothing more. This experience… Read more »
“Telling a woman you’re depressed is simply the wrong way to navigate a relationship because it doesn’t leave a woman any place to go, except for the door. ” Wow. I must be misreading this. If I admit that I feel sad, and a woman leaves me just because I said I feel sad, then the relationship problem is not that I have problems with emotional honesty. The relationship problem is that my partner can’t be bothered to listen to a simple statement of my feelings. THAT is the fucked up part, not my fear of expressing myself. Sure, if… Read more »
Saying you’re depressed is a red flag to a woman you don’t know well, and frankly by men who don’t know you well either. Depression is a serious issue, and only a woman who’s seriously involved with a man would want to hear more, but if she’s that involved, she probably already knows. Feeling sad and feeling depressed are entirely different issues. Sadness can usually be overcome fairly simply, but just saying you’re sad leaves a lot of questions up in the air. Saying what ‘s making you feel sad is appropriate, particularly if you can articulate the reasons well.… Read more »
Having suffered from clinical depression myself in the past, and having been in relationships with men who are clinically depressed and/or bipolar, I would agree (and I know this sounds harsh) that untreated mental illness should be a huge red flag. I know I put past boyfriends through hell with my depressive episodes, and depressed boyfriends have done the same to me. Now that I’m older and wiser, and having gone through a lot of treatment for my depression, I cannot overstate the importance of looking for someone who is emotionally healthy to spend your time with. It doesn’t mean… Read more »
Emotions are transient, emphemeral storms of neurotransmitter chaos in the nervous system. Often, the things we attribute causality to a certain emotion are only half of the story. The other half is whether or not we exercised that day, what we had for dinner, whether or not we had an orgasm the night before, or the state of our 401k. Meditation and its corresponding cultivation of spiritual detachment, the development of an unshakeable state of equanimity and equipose, these give us the stability to stand in centered stillness in the storm of emotion. This skill, once fully developed, is more… Read more »
For the most part, I agree with Ken. I have counseled many women who are struggling in their relationships, “Because I have this feeling he’s not leveling with me.” I tell every one of them, the best thing they can do in that relationship is to create an environment where he will be secure in sharing his emotional honesty. It isn’t a guarantee to him that you will love it. In fact, after ruminating on his honesty, you may decide he isn’t the one and that pain will surely ensue with that realization. But your assessment (much as Speakeasy desired)… Read more »
Again I have to take exception to Ken Solin’s Views. He talks about the differences between being emotional and emotional honesty as if they are in someway different and separate. He misses the bed rock upon which both exists and that is Emotional Integrity. I find it shocking how many people have had their Emotional Integrity undermined. You see it with survivors of domestic abuse, child abuse and many other areas where power and control is exerted over another. It even comes from the horrendous stereotypes that Men have had rammed down their throats for decades – Big Boys Don’t… Read more »
“Women respect a man who demonstrates the courage, confidence, skill, and willingness to articulate how he’s feeling about them. Women don’t necessarily respect men who are just being emotional.” For SOME women this is true. other women, in my experience, cannot handle feeling that a man would consider them less than perfect. I’ve even had behaviour of a woman made out to be my doing. Despite gentleness and understanding on my part, emotional honesty has ended more of my relationships than it has helped. From speaking with men friends who are boyfriends and husbands, women expect men to simply accept… Read more »
“I urge women to listen without judgment if they want to continue hearing their partner’s truth. Verbalizing emotional honesty isn’t second nature for most men, and men deserve to be respected, not judged.” Well Ken, finally something we can agree on my friend. I do not believe we men are driven by fear on this subject. I can only speak for myself here. I simply have serious trust issues with women. From my experience, they say one thing and do another. So, it has created some serious credibility and respect issues for me. To paraphrase cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead, “what… Read more »
Terence,
Thanks for weighing in so articulately as always. Here’s my point. Not trusting women is based on your fear of what might occur if you do. That’s based entirely on playing old tapes from your past experiences. Your divorce left you feeling betrayed, and I get why trusting again would be difficult. Overcoming that old fear would go a long way towards creating a new and heathy relationship.
Perfect timing with this article for me, because just recently I’ve had a very emotionally honest conversation with my wife. My sentiment was that I felt that she was indifferent towards me and did not make me feel special to her. It was hard for her to hear but I had to say it. I am typically more romantic and more motivated to do little things to break up our daily routine so I do lots of things to make her feel special. I began to resent her, seething silently for a few weeks, until I decided I had to… Read more »
@Jon D….Grreat to hear things worked out wonderfully for you and your wife.
I am divorced and frankly quite bitter about the lost years. I am bitter at one woman not ALL women. However, I have found in both life and research that women are often very dismissive about men’s complaints concerning sex, sexual intimacy…or anything sexual. They have little to no empathy. It is as if they are sociopaths (unable to empathize) when it comes to sex and marriage.
But they want emotional honestly (per Ken Solin) from men.
What women say: “I want you to be honest with me about what you want.”
What women mean: “I want you to say you want the same things I do, and I want you to mean it.”
Words and behavior; when they don’t match up, it’s pretty easy to figure out how to respond.
Some women, yes. Some women, no. Let’s not generalize too much here.
The overwhelming majority.
The only mistake I see is the apparent assumption that this only applies to women. I have seen plenty of men badger their women into acquiescence and then pretend that they ‘agreed’ on something. These behaviors are essentially the same; the only difference is the aggression provided by a big dose of testosterone.
If we stopped pretending there were so many differences between men and women, not only would we see the other more clearly, but ourselves as well.
Wow FQ Ross thats pretty hurtful and unnecessary.I hardly think you can judge someones ability to parent from a few paragraphs. I didn’t want drama, as a matter of fact we had zero drama for most of our relationship because we had no communication . Like I said “when I looked back” We were together from when I was twenty -seven years old , I did things to test him when I was younger , it wasn’t intentional , I was young and pretty inexperienced in relationships . You can’t always see things clearly when you are close to them… Read more »
Speakeasy I think you had a more complex relationship dynamic than can be summed up in one paragraph on this comment board, so it’s easy for people to draw inaccurate conclusions based on their own interpretation from what little information is provided. The point I gathered from your posts is that you grew frustrated with your husband’s lack of disclosure, and that he was making himself too malleable as a man, in a way basically leaving it up to you to shape him into what you wanted him to be. You did not want to make him or direct him… Read more »
Jon D , you are right my ten relationship with my ex is to complicated to sum up in a few comments on the post. My response was fueled by frustration over a new realization about my ex’s inability to communicate for our ten year relationship .I thought about all the missed opportunities to grow as a couple . I actually texted him after I realized he never said how he felt to share my thoughts , his response was that he was a private person. He then said he like to think he was a good listener. I did… Read more »
“Men want to feel safe”. Hmmm. Really? I’m a man, and as such I don’t want to feel safe, I want to be safe. Feelings unattached to thoughts or actions have no bearing with regard reality. They are not vital or grounded. Feelings are the residue left over from the act of thinking or doing. They are part of a reflective process. I feel content, safe or frightened and insecure due to the fact being that I have or haven’t done this or that. As a man, with the rise of feminism I feel… oh, to hell with that! As… Read more »
Being safe and feeling safe are two sides of the same coin Craig, and I disagree that feelings are the residue of thinking.
I understand how you feel about the difficulty for men with today’s women, but in truth, while they’re doing far better in their careers and educations, they’re still women, and they still want what every human being wants, a deep human connection involving the heart.
Thanks for weighing in.
So then Ken, in your book is there such a thing as a false sense of security? Hmmm. No Ken. Knowing I’m safe and being safe are two sides of the same coin. Ken, “in truth” women are not doing better in their careers and educations. No, really. When men, women, girls and boys operate within an even playing field, the truth will clearly be reveled… again. “they’re still women” No disagreement on this point. “they still want what every human being wants, a deep human connection involving the heart” Ken, it’s my observation that a womens love for a… Read more »
I crave the truth , my ears long to hear men say how they feel . I recently had a realization about my ex-husband , he never told me how he felt about anything . He never stood up for himself , he never demanded , never said he was hurt, I pushed him , he never flinched. I wanted , he gave.Looking back I was desperate for him to tell me no and in the end all I wanted was for him to ask me not to leave. He always said he loved me unconditionally , I never wanted… Read more »
Kudos to this man for refusing to acquiesce to your jejeune demand for reciprocal drama. It strikes me that you are ill-equipped to hear what men really think. It’s a good thing you are unlikely to have children.
Here’s the problem with that situation. You were not looking for emotional honesty. You were looking fron emotion. As Ken put it… that is not the same thing. Assuming he didn’t sabotage the fertility treatments- I’m not sure he lied. People change. And considering everything you two went through his feelings about children definitely could have changed. Nobody owes anyone the reaction they expect. Im at the point where the appropriate reaction to someone deliberately making trouble is to simply leave. Life is hard enough without someone constantly prodding me trying to get a reaction. If you wanted a reaction… Read more »
It’s dishonest to stay in a relationship where you don’t want what the other person wants. If he’d been upfront about to wanting children earlier in the relationship, she could have found someone else. So yes, she ended up the loser.
Unlike others I can understand speakeasy. It would seem strange to be in a relationship where the other person never shares their opinion, never disagrees, never really asks for anything, and according to the description, rarely even emotes. It’s unfortunate that so many people think that suppressing yourself somehow helps. Letting the truth out would create drama in the short term, but less in the long term. I don’t see where speaking your mind and demanding your partner do the same is pro-drama. If he were more emotionally she would have known about the fact that he didn’t want kids… Read more »
I don’t know if it sounds like passive-aggressive behavior. It just sounds like passive behavior.
It’s strange how this dovetails with a lot of PUA writing in which it is instructed that women will and do sh*t-test.
I think a large part of what happened here is speakeasy’s husband failed the sh*t-tests and she became less and less happy and respected him less.
What is a shit-test?
How is wanting children and wanting your partner to want children a “shit test”?