Wherever there’s a victim, Frederick Marx writes, there’s also a perpetrator.
I know something about victimization. I was taught it pretty well by my mother. She grew up very poor in a fatherless household in the Jewish ghetto of Philadelphia. She often went hungry. No one bothered to mention to her as she went off to school that first time in 1931 that she would be hearing a new language – English. She only knew her mother tongue, what everyone in the neighborhood spoke – Yiddish. She spent much of her first year in school in a state of shock learning a foreign language from scratch.
Coming of age during the Depression she grew to expect to be mistreated, misunderstood. She adopted a “beg for mercy” posture when dealing with strangers. Highly sensitive by nature, she felt easily offended by things others might say or do. She felt battered by the world, the victim.
But wherever there’s a victim there’s also a perpetrator. The two go hand in hand. My mother would perpetrate passive-aggressively, usually by turning her back on her victimizers. Once and for all. Forever. For life. She lost a lot of friends this way. Needless to say conflict resolution did not come easily.
Perpetration also took the form of the cause of justice. When victimized she would wrap herself in the flag of righteous indignation and set out on the warpath of revenge through social justice.
Not surprisingly I share many of those traits. My default position is victim. I can walk out of my house in the morning, have a pigeon shit on my head and, rather than laugh, declaim in anguish, “Why me Lord?!”
My perpetrator also looks like my mother’s. I burned a lot of friendships by writing people off. Those who betray me usually go down in a hail fire of righteous bullets. At least in my mind. It’s not enough to reach and find compromises with my tormentors, solutions that work for all, the win-win. I want my victimizers to go down hard. All the way down. I want to perpetrate on them.
This is important stuff to be aware of. If this dynamic is to stop with me, if I want to break the family chain, I have to consciously and constantly work to mitigate against my “natural” impulses. It’s not easy but I’m making great progress.
As an independent filmmaker of many years, I have seen foundation and government support for independent filmmakers increasingly go to women, people of color, and less experienced filmmakers than me. This is the new reality in the social funding side of filmmaking and it has taken shape over the last 30+ years. We were turned down for a very large grant to complete Hoop Dreams because, as we found out later after much digging, the panel was not going to award a grant to white filmmakers for a film about black families. It was not politically correct.
Did it piss me off? Yes. Did I see myself at the time as a victim? Honestly, yes. But I like to think I’ve grown a bit since then. Which is what this article’s really about.
Has the new social reality of filmmaking adversely affected my ability to raise money for my films? I believe so. There are certain bodies and funders I will not seek funding from. In their political correctness I believe they will not fund a lone white male filmmaker. So clearly I’m a victim of this new order, right?
I don’t think so.
What?! you say. How is that possible? Am I not justified?
First and foremost, because of that family history, I choose not to see myself as a victim. I know it is a dead end for me to indulge in the mental drain game of victim. And mental drain of colossal proportions it is. In the past I’ve spent countless hours vacillating mentally between victim and perpetrator, licking wounds and plotting revenge.
But I genuinely don’t feel victimized by these new social realities. How can I be victimized by the realization of values I hold dear? The crime is not with those “perpetrating” political correctness on me. The crime is with those who for many years before didn’t allow women, those of color, and inexperienced filmmakers to come to the table. But wait, isn’t this new reality just two wrongs trying to make a right? No, because I don’t see the political correctness of the age as a wrong. I see it as righting historical wrongs, readjusting the imbalance of the scales.
50 or 60 years ago it was virtually impossible to secure funding for a film if you were a woman or person of color. It’s still tough today but it’s a hell of a lot easier. I’m glad these changes have leveled the playing field.
More importantly, not receiving funding from PC funders has not stopped me from making films. I simply have moved on to other funding streams. For the last 15 years I’ve increasingly sought and found support from individuals. It actually appeals to me a lot more to make my films directly for the audience that wants them, that funds them. In some ways it’s actually a dream come true – cutting out the middlemen, the distributors, the broadcasters, the foundations.
I’m glad to be less engaged in pursuing grants. To me it’s a process that’s grueling. Each grantor demands you dress up your project to look something like the ideal project they’relooking for, regardless of the inherent social value of your original vision. Then once you’ve crawled through all their hoops they give you a ticket for the lottery. Not satisfying.
Could I “justifiably” rant and rave against a system that doesn’t recognize my “greatness?” Sure. Could I see myself as a victim? Sure. But that self-perception will not serve me in becoming the mature, productive and happy man I aim to be, and does not align with the important and necessary redressing of social inequalities.
It seems to me that many men who perceive themselves as victims either don’t share those values or don’t understand history. After 300 years of slavery and 100 years of institutionalized racism through segregation and Jim Crow we are not suddenly “color blind” in the last 50 years. Similarly, after 1,000s of years of women’s 2ndclass status we are not suddenly gender neutral in the last 50 years. We’re getting there but we’re not there yet, though we may be closer to solving the gender divide than in eliminating the social barriers of race and class.
Certainly any one person can be victimized by any other individual or group. But that victimization may not have a historical or social dimension to it. Individual middle class white men, even rich white men, can be victims of all sorts of terrible things, including judges that adjudicate against them unfairly in divorce proceedings. Including men that are victims of domestic violence. Including men that are unfairly accused of rape, or sexual harassment, or child abuse. But as a social class upper middle class white males are not historical, institutional and cultural targets the way white working men are, the way people of color are, the way gays are.
A couple years ago I was visiting my sister’s family in New York. When I went to pick up my 12 year old niece from her dance class the teacher wouldn’t release her to me because she didn’t know me. When I asked Emma to identify me she giggled and said, “yeah, he’s my uncle.” Still, no go. Not until my sister called and said “he’s my brother,” and I showed my driver’s license to her did this dance teacher release my niece so I could drive her home.
Was that teacher overzealous, a pain in the ass? I think so. Was she being paranoid in the extreme? Roger. Was I pissed off? You bet. I certainly felt like I had more “right” to my niece than she did. I felt like my niece would be a hell of a lot safer in my care than in hers. Are there lots of men who get similar treatment from dance teachers? Probably. But was I a victim of a social wrong, some discrimination against all men just because some men are child molesters and murderers? I don’t think so.
As much as she was a pain in the ass I’d rather have this woman grill men who show up to take my niece away than risk her being taken by one of those child molesters or murderers. They may be very few but they certainly exist. Just one more of the many social realities that still have to be redressed.
Frederick Marx is interested in starting an advice column on all things male related. We invite you to place suggestions, or specific questions, below on issues you would like to see addressed.
—Photo jesus_leon/Flickr
Eagle, I’m truly sorry you were abused by men and women, boys and girls. No one deserves that. Nor should they be compelled to forgive anyone for it. But there is nothing in my article that defends or should be construed in any way to defend women and girls who abuse men and boys. In fact, if you had read on you would have read this: Certainly any one person can be victimized by any other individual or group. But that victimization may not have a historical or social dimension to it. Individual middle class white men, even rich white… Read more »
If your article didn’t defend abusive girls and women, the passage I quoted about “Righting past wrongs” reasonings being used as an excuse for injustices against men wouldn’t be included. Yet it’s still there, isn’t it? So I don’t believe you. And as far as that paragraph presented as a counterpoint, you seem to forgot that there are men who are far from the income brackets of middle class white men and rich white men. Again, why are you emphasing “White men” this and “White men” that? Anyway, those low to poverty level men experience the same thing. All I’m… Read more »
Since I’m under moderation again, I’ll just say I agree with Danny and hope my previous comment is cleared.
Eagle, we have a very complicated list of words that sometimes cause things to enter mod. Sometimes very long or link heavy pieces wind up in mod. If you have questions, as I’ve mentioned before, you can email us to ask.
Frederick: “But I genuinely don’t feel victimized by these new social realities. How can I be victimized by the realization of values I hold dear? The crime is not with those “perpetrating” political correctness on me. The crime is with those who for many years before didn’t allow women, those of color, and inexperienced filmmakers to come to the table. But wait, isn’t this new reality just two wrongs trying to make a right? No, because I don’t see the political correctness of the age as a wrong. I see it as righting historical wrongs, readjusting the imbalance of the… Read more »
Collin: When men were earning more degrees than women, feminists would blame men for having a system in place that benefits men at the expense of women, which is true. Now, however, the system benefits women at the expense of men, but you will not hear feminists state that. The reason women now earn more degrees than men, according to feminists, is because “men are lazy” or “men are more interested in sports than education” or “men don’t have good role models” or some other excuse that blames men for their own underperformance. Why the double standard? Julie: February 15,… Read more »
Hey Frederick.
If you don’t want to be a victim, then why should I have to be one?
Men have always been treated as more expendable then women.
I was reading a book on first-person accounts of world war one. One man recalled being told that he shouldn’t worry if he was mowed down, there were plenty more troops where he came from. And so he was used as one more brick in a wall of human bodies, built to achieve a goal.
I keep looking throughout history for a story comparable to that for white women. I keep coming up empty handed.
Oops. That should have been World War Two, and the man was reassured that he shouldn’t worry if he died, they would still have enough soldiers to achieve their goal.
This is what really gets to me.
I’m supposed to feel like a victim because of ‘institutionalized discrimination’ that happened to someone other then me before I was born. Yet Fredrick gets to throw off the mantel of victimhood even when he is directly victimized by current circumstances.
It’s almost like people _want_ women to flounder under the mantel of victim. Almost like this agency stripping is satisfying some deep, primal need to cut women off at the knees somehow….
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/03/nyregion/03women.html?pagewanted=all
This is from 4 years ago. I am sure the differences are even more drastic now than they were before.
Ah okay well, again not to be argumentative, but that’s an article about a few big cities and the mean wage. It doesn’t necessarily apply to the rest of the US, or to jobs that don’t require a college education.
It’s about quite a few big cities that have a huge percentage of the total US population. They also tend to be ahead of the pack in everything. Also, if you read it you would have noticed it said women without a college education were making more than men without a college education too.
I must have missed the bit about non-college educated women making more too. Apologies. But still…do you know of any articles that discuss overall trends, not just in a few cities? I’m not trying to derail this into a discussion of equal pay, I’m just looking for sources of information to compare is all.
The over all trend is that unmarried, childless young women make as much or more then their male counterparts.
Okay, again I’m not trying to argue about it because I honestly don’t have any hard facts about this issue with which I can form an opinion. That’s why I’m asking for a reference….Give Me Stats….like a zombie wanting brains. 🙂 No seriously though, I’d just be interested in sifting through the information (hopefully unbiased toward either side) out there with regards to gender and employment, and I’ve no idea where I’d start looking. I mean if I google it, chances are I’d end up on websites that are out to prove a point, not just present the data.
“you will get paid more for equal work”
Hi so I’m not trying to be challenging, I’m just curious. Do you have like an article, or stats, or something I could look up that discusses this? I’ve seen it the other way around (that men get paid more), and I’ve seen it mentioned that men and women get paid equally. But I’ve never seen it mentioned that women get paid more. Again, just want to emphasize, I’m not trying to debate this here.
The problem here is that you very clearly were a victim of discrimination. Whether you choose to feel a victim or not does not change the fact that you were. Had a woman come to pick your niece up, the lady would not have thought twice. Hell, even a friend’s mother could probably pick her up no problem but a father… forget about it. You say 50 years cannot make up for 2,000 years of discrimination, but the real question is why not? Those generations are long gone, and the new ones know no such gender discrimination. In the United… Read more »
His example of the overzealous teacher asking for his license…is that discrimination or profiling? Is there a different? I think so; it’s just really subtle. Profiling isn’t ideal, obviously…because it is so freaking close to outright discrimination. But unfortunately it has it’s uses. I think it depends on the way any situation is handled. Did the teacher accuse him outright of being a molester? Did she say outright that is what she was worried about? Did she treat Fredrick gruffly until he proved he was related to his niece? If the answer to any of that is yes, then yeah… Read more »
Maybe. Maybe not. I’ve been asked to show id to pick up my own kids if the person at the school is new and doesn’t know me. All while my kids are saying “Mommy.” In all districts that I know of we as parents have to fill out a form allowing certain people to pick them up (neighbors or someone) and they have to show id, male or female. Never underestimate the fear of litigation will put in the hearts of school administrators, businesses and so forth. Could be discrimination based on gender, could be SOP in a culture that… Read more »
Ah, I was a victim of the auto refresh! “You say 50 years cannot make up for 2,000 years of discrimination, but the real question why not?” Because people and groups and institutions don’t work that way. At least they never seem to have 😉 Slavery lasted for several hundred years and there were years longer of discrimination. I’m not sure we can say “Bam, done!” Gays and Lesbians still struggle and it will take generations to normalize things and to ensure legal rights not to mention shifting discrimination. There are great changes for women but there are, currently, politicians… Read more »
Thanks so much for putting it so beautifully, Julie.
This is total bunk and you know it. Like I said, a woman born in 1990 knows nothing about being a second class citizen. It is just history to her. It has zero impact on her life. Zero. Slavery doesn’t affect a black person born in 1990. They aren’t at a disadvantage because of slavery. 20 years from now, a child who grows up to be gay will have absolutely no understanding of the persecution of homosexuals because it will be history and nothing else. The problem with working on “the system” is that it continues far after something no… Read more »
You don’t have to agree with me or believe me but I see a big difference between how individuals born today experiences life and how there are still systemic residues that can affect individual lives. And we teach about those older dynamics in our history books. And we should remember. I have no idea why males aren’t getting degrees. If I did, I’d probably be working for an institution who could pay me to help make sure the playing field was equal for all. My guess? That there are systemic dynamics in place including the things you mentioned, but probably… Read more »
Well I’m in agreement with Julia here, but I’d like to point out a couple things. First, the idea that, “Slavery doesn’t affect a black person born in 1990,” ignores a lot of how history works. The system of slavery depended on the socially constructed idea that if someone was black they weren’t really, truly, people. Fast forward to the 1960s, and there was still institutionalized racism in place which mean that in some states African-Americans couldn’t vote. That racism stemmed from the system of slavery. Fast forward to today, and there stereotypes about African-Americans all being criminals, and a… Read more »
I just want to mention that I’m not trying to start a discussion about racism on this thread. I just wanted to sort of flesh out an example of how systems can interact and carry on over time.
Thank you for laying that out. Yes.
Ah also, I think a lot of what Fredrick here is trying to say is that identifying yourself as a victim doesn’t do much to fix the problem, As typhon_undressed also points out, when you are labelled as a victim, you are in a sense stripping away your own agency. So when you (or anyone else) gives a list of the ways men and women are not equal, and then blame it on one entity (feminists or the male oppressors), you are framing your own experiences as victims. I think that’s not the most helpful way to frame the systemic… Read more »
“Ah also, I think a lot of what Fredrick here is trying to say is that identifying yourself as a victim doesn’t do much to fix the problem” The problem is that Fredrick is creating a situation in which we amplify the victimhood of women and dismiss the victimhood of men. This is bad for both men and women. It strips women of their agency and men of their right to have their issues heard and responded to. Ultimately what we’re dealing with, with women, isn’t institutionalized discrimination, it’s socialized discrimination. If we teach women to remove their agency by… Read more »
First, sorry for getting your name wrong typhon.
“Ultimately what we’re dealing with, with women, isn’t institutionalized discrimination, it’s socialized discrimination. If we teach women to remove their agency by casting them as a victim-class, the net effects are that women will simply not be able to do certain things that men can do.”
I totally agree with that. I’m just not quite sure where Fredrick is emphasizing the victimhood of women. I saw him as trying to de-emphasize the victimhood of men. Maybe I’ve missed something in my reading.
” I saw him as trying to de-emphasize the victimhood of men.”
This is not something that’s really needed at the moment. Men aren’t seen as victims; they’re almost universally seen as having far more agency then women.
Saying that beliefs about past victimization of women (which I don’t personally ascribe to) means that we should still see women as victims even when they aren’t being victimized in the here and now. Yet when men are victimized in the here and now, we should not see them as victims.
I don’t think society at large views men as victims…but I do think that some of the rhetoric surrounding the discussion of the ways in which men are losing their rights involves viewing men as victims…victims of family court, victims of feminism, victims of profiling. Again, I’d agree that most of society doesn’t see it this way (and indeed tends to see women as victims instead). But I also think it’s important not to shift the discussion and start discussing men as victims. It could end up having the same effect victimizing women has had on women. Not like now…but… Read more »
” Similarly, after 1,000s of years of women’s 2ndclass status we are not suddenly gender neutral in the last 50 years.” This suggests to me a disproportionate burden of victimhood is being placed on women. I don’t agree that women were 2nd class citizens historically. Historically men had more rights _and_ more responsibilities and women had powers that no longer exist in our consumer-based society. (Want light, heat, shelter, clothing, edible food, kitchen medicine(often the only kind available), as well as entertainment and social networking(in the upper classes)? Women controlled all of these along with domesticity and access to sexual… Read more »
Ah that sentence. Way to pick it out…I glossed right over it. Thank you.
I wonder if Fredrick was explicitly trying to portray women as victims in the past with that sentence, or whether he subconsciously used language that implied women were victims in the past.
Either way, yeah typhon I see what you’re saying with that sentence. I agree with what you’re saying…I just hadn’t caught where Fredrick had mentioned it. 🙂