The “Idiot Husband” jokes are nonsense. Here’s how to respond when you’re the butt of her jokes.
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Hey, Heather
Another Memorial Day bbq has passed and it was, yet again, another opportunity for my wife to mock me in “jest” in front of our friends. Upon entering the party, she says “We would have been earlier but Daniel just had to disagree with the GPS and go his own way.” The other wives made eye contact while the men shrugged.
Later, I heard “Did you tell your friends how you ‘fixed’ our dining room light so well we needed to hire an electrician? The wives again laughed, sharing tales of times us guys screwed up household chores.
What the heck is a husband supposed to do in this situation? It happens all the time. She calls me out in public and mocks me. Then, when I tell her I was bothered, she calls me “sensitive and unable to take a joke.”
I don’t think it’s a joke. It’s f-in passive aggressive and I’m tired of this s@#t. Every barbeque. Every time. Thoughts?
-Daniel
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Wow, Daniel, I sure do have some thoughts. My two cents won’t work for everyone but I hope they help you.
I am sure you know you’re not alone in this.
Idiot dad and idiot husband memes fill our social media newsfeeds on a regular basis.
It’s become commonplace and acceptable to mock men in social settings and yes, I have listened to many women defend their right to do so.
I agree with you. It’s BS and it deserves a response.
You have to decide who you are going to be given how she’s treating you.
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The bind that men get into when they enter this argument with their wives is that women defend themselves with the idea that they weren’t intending to do harm. They were just kidding and they sometimes remark that other men even laughed or that their female friends got it.
It’s not a debate worth entering. Your wife may never see this public flogging as shaming. She may never agree that she’s being disrespectful or passive aggressive when she says or does such things. Getting her to agree may not be possible.
Here are your alternative options:
Tell her what it’s like for you:
You know, Annie, you may not get it, agree, or understand why but you embarrass me when you say these things. You hurt my feelings and I have come to dread these parties because I know you’re only going to call me out for my failings.
Last week, you X, Y, or Z. I’d never call that out at a party but can you imagine how it would feel if I got a laugh at the expense of your mistake?
I work hard for you and for us. I try to take care of you and be respectful of you privately and publicly and you just embarrass me.
Ask her to stop:
I know you don’t think you’re doing anything wrong or causing any harm but I am wondering if you’d consider stopping those comments when we’re in public. I know you just think you’re being funny but I am not in on the joke.
You may not understand why I am asking this, but I am hoping that because I am asking, you’ll just stop. I hope that my asking is enough of a reason to just knock it off and find something else to joke about.
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What happens next is up to you.
If she continues to argue, defend, or belittle your point of view, then the ball is in your court.
Have boundaries and stick to them. People treat us by what we tolerate.
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What is your response when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries? What limits do you set in place if she will just not agree or refuses to see your side?
You don’t have to suck it up but you do have to decide who you are going to be given how she’s treating you. If she remains adamant in her point of view, honestly, I think you’re facing a bigger issue and one that you need more help managing than this advice column can offer. I hope it doesn’t get to that point.
Why do women do this, anyway?
Sometimes it’s helpful to understand why women make these choices and why they think it’s ok. I don’t tell you this to explain or excuse her behavior, only to better understand it.
I want to remind you, too, that understanding why someone does something is very different than agreeing with it. I strongly disagree with women who make these choices and it’s a main reason why I joined the GMP editorial team but I do understand it a bit.
It’s an easy way to dispel their discomfort.
Women can be intimidated when in groups or with other couples. It can feel anxiety provoking and a quick jab for an easy laugh releases their tension. Other people laughing with them feels like acceptance.
Like it or not, you’re their safe person so they “use” you to feel more comfortable. When I talk to people about this, they don’t even consciously realize that they’re doing it. It’s a defense against their social discomfort.
They are being passive aggressive.
It’s hard for men and women alike to talk about the tough stuff with their partners. They don’t think they’ll be heard. They don’t want to fight about it but they want to get their side out there. If a woman can complain about her husband not listening to the GPS, the laugh of others validates her point of view and releases her tension. She tells you what she really thinks without having to have the conversation.
How to battle the societal acceptance of this behavior.
As much as you’re comfortable, call it out. When you see a stupid husband or idiot dad meme, call it out and share your point of view. Don’t laugh when you hear others share this crap at parties. Make your feelings on it public. Stop tolerating it in public.
Make sure you never do it yourself. Everyone can fall prey to a quick, easy, and cheap laugh when they’re feeling pressure.
Tell women what it’s like.
Try to get them to see it from your perspective.
Have boundaries and stick to them. People treat us by what we tolerate.
Keep talking. Until you’re heard, keep talking.
Photo: Getty
If she doesn’t stop when you have asked her to, then next time she does it you simply make a comment about her jeans being too tight in front of the other women, and have a laugh with the men. They may suddenly realize the difference between having a laugh WITH your partner vs laughing AT your partner which is bullying. If the target of your joke isn’t laughing with it and ok with it, then it’s bullying behaviour.
Really simple. Ask her ONC to stop. Tell her why. If she or he does it again leave and don’t look back. This is the most disrespectful thing to kill a relationship. If one ignores you it’s a sign of disrespect for you as an individual. Why would you put up with that?
” I want to remind you, too, that understanding why someone does something is very different than agreeing with it. I strongly disagree with women who make these choices and it’s a main reason why I joined the GMP editorial team but I do understand it a bit.. I wish men were given the same benefit, instead men and their ways are considered toxic. And if they try to explain, they are mansplaining.
Umm….Honey, I need to tell yo that I don’t stay with anyone who doesn’t treat me with the respect that I deserve AND demand.
So you have a big decision here: Do you want your PRIVILEGE to keep doing what you’re doing…or do you want to let go of this marriage?
Could not agree with this advice any more then I do. I’ve been there, done that. My wife. My beautify, amazing, best friend wife whom used to look at me and shake her head when other women did this (and it does happen a lot, a lot), started doing it herself when we were about 10 years in. I swear it’s like a contagion. I let it go, and let it go, and let it go, until one day I snapped at her in front of everyone and walked away. When she caught up to me, obviously hurt, asked why… Read more »
DJ you rock mate.
You have inspired me to do as you do.
From a married father of 3.
And I also loved how you explained how to be assertive.
Welcome, JP.
The greatest type of compliment i could hope to receive, man.
Glad to help.
DJ, are you already a writer for GMP? Would you like to be? I have an article suggestion for you based on your comments, if you’re interested in writing for us. Email me. [email protected]. Thanks.
Or you could just do the same to her. It’s called negging in the pick up world. If done right it’s not only fun, but can actually turn her on. My ex gf used to do this to me all the time, and eventually I just started inserting witty comments like “Yeah the gps and I didn’t get along very well on the way here. Kind of like her and her hair before we left. By the way I thought it looked better when she was wearing it up. But she didn’t want to listen to me.” (walk away while… Read more »
Another option and perspective:
1. You’re actually NOT a bad man, husband, driver or home repair dude. It’s true – you’re not. Her comments are meaningless. She’s the one who is insecure and needs a nudge.
2. Nudge her with a raised eyebrow and the same disapproving look you would give a 13 yr. old. The look that says “I expect better from you, pumpkin”. Then kiss her on the cheek.
3. Then enjoy the party and not give it another thought or word.
I’m assuming the wife has some other extremely redeeming qualities, because otherwise… what are you doing? GTFO. Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes you miserable. If it comes to that and you don’t mind burning a few bridges, may I suggest waiting until the first few jokes have been cracked at the next cookout, then jumping in with: “Hey, did my wife tell you I was so socially inept, I handed her divorce papers in the middle of a cookout and caused a huge scene?” Then toss those documents up into the sky like it’s… Read more »