Single Men Want Love Too

SingleMan

Forget the stereotypes; men are looking for love.

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Love. Believe it or not, single men want love just as much as women do. Even though it may be hard to believe, men want true love just as much as women.

It’s just that single men and women have VERY different ways of falling in love.

Single women, they’ve been TRAINED to look for love. From their childhoods when their moms and aunts taught them that getting married and getting a good job were to be their main goals, but that getting married was their birthright. The “training” continued when the girls became teens and they began thinking about baby names and wedding colors at the age of sixteen. By the time a single woman is 22, her training is complete, and she’s essentially an NFL First Round Draft Pick. Seriously. You know what a woman in love really is? Peyton Manning on his opponents 1st and Goal. Against the Patriots. You know what a married woman is? Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl Ring. That’s how intense it is for women when it comes to love. It’s bloodsport…it’s combat.

Single men, admittedly, do think of marriage and children when they are younger, too. And, a strong, love-filled union is what they really want. But, due to cultural differences, most men aren’t raised to daydream about the color schemes at their wedding. Most men have been trained to think and worry about our careers and keeping our loved ones and families safe. Once again, single men want love too. It’s just that they haven’t been programmed and trained in their youth to make love happen.

Men know this. Which is why many men don’t appear to want love as much as women do. That’s why single men date women and go to bars and clubs and get wild; it’s popularly known as “sowing oats”. Or, men being “playas”. In actuality, that’s not the case. At all. What’s going on is that MEN KNOW LOVE JUST HAPPENS. Single men know that no matter how many strip clubs they go to, no matter how many one night stands they may have, single men know LOVE HAPPENS. Single men aren’t worried about finding love. That’s the key difference between men and women. There are single men who do look for love. But most single men don’t.

Most single men are OK with the title of “Single Man”. They’ve got no problem with it. But…some women wince at the title of “single” woman. To many women, that description is a cause for pain. They look at being a single woman as failing. Some women, despite their careers and other parts of their lives going well, if they aren’t’ attached in some way romantically, they don’t even feel whole.

Single men, on the other hand, as long as they have a good job, good friends, and a membership at a nice gym, are mostly fine being single. Once again, it’s not that they don’t think about love when they have their “booty calls”. It’s not that single men don’t think about love as they chat up some new, tanned, buxom beauty at their favorite bar.

What single men are doing is enjoying their road to love. A Single man’s ultimate destination is love. To settle down. But, unlike women, single men aren’t’ taught to sprint down the road of love like their lives depend on it. Single women are.

Originally appeared at Examiner.com

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About Greg Simms

Greg Simms Jr. is an editor/writer for The Good Men Project.com, pop culture expert, thought leader, and speaker. He's spoken at colleges and events, and is available for speaking engagements and media (radio, television, internet) guest appearances. Simms Jr. has been published in HipHopDX.com, The Dayton Daily News, and several other digital and print publications. You can find him on Twitter (@gregsimmsjr) and contact him at [email protected]

Comments

  1. This article is horrible.

    “The “training” continued when the girls became teens and they began thinking about baby names and wedding colors at the age of sixteen.”
    REALLY?!?! That is the most stereotypical bunch of BS I’ve heard in a long time.

    I think that this article confuses wanting marriage and valuing relationships. Most of the women that I know who want relationships are not looking for husbands or baby daddies. They just find men valuable. They just think that getting to know someone deeply and caring about them is a positive thing, even if it doesn’t end in a marriage.

    The type of guys mentioned in the article spend their youth in strip clubs and having one night stands because they don’t think like this. They value love, but they don’t value women. They don’t care about women unless they want marriage and kids from them. There’s always an end game with these kind of “men”.

    If you were a woman and you watched your peers do what this article describes, would you think “love happens”? Of course not. Love “happens” for men because women prioritize it. It’s available to men because women are willing give it. It would be great if the same if the reverse were true.

    • I agree.

      Women are far more capable than just sitting around dreaming about their wedding day.

      The men you describe seem so self-loving, over masculine and just awful, uncaring people.

      Both genders are capable of more than you describe and love much more powerful than what your described!

      Love is a choice made between two people who genuinely care for one another. It isn’t something that just happens because a guy is sick of having fun and messing around or a girl drags him to the alter to “live happily ever after”, fulfilling a prophesy branded into them from birth.

      This article is disgusting and fails to articulate how single men want love.

      Get over yourself. Get beyond your stereotypes and be a real man in the world – that is, actually care and provide, support and love someone other than yourself.

      Regards,

      a man who KNOWS how to love.

    • A little bitter? Your name doesn’t give it away, but I’m guessing you’re a woman, a woman who fits the author’s characterization, and resents it, and resents being pigeonholed. I think he presents a very valid dynamic. It’s one that carries through to child rearing, in which women worry about how things ought to be while men take a more laissez-faire attitude, rolling with the punches.

      Maybe I’m wrong about you, I don’t know The thing is, I don’t fit his characterization either; I was not a happy “playa,” in any sense of the word. I wanted a relationship, and I despised “the game” and wanted no part of it. But I’m definitely not just any man. You’re probably not just any woman. If you don’t fit the characterization, give yourself credit for being more unique and thoughtful. But consider: maybe what you see as men just having sex until they decide to get married are really just a bunch of humans trying to find self esteem and feel worthy in a world of women who seemingly just want security and status.

      • If we were to “resent” the author’s characterization of women, it is because he is saying that ALL single women are like this, and he’s leaving out women like us. I am single. I am 30. I have never wanted to be married, but I’m not counting it out completely, and I do not want kids. Believe it or not, some women “just have sex until the decide to get married” too. This isn’t the 50’s man.

    • Hi Wylee
      Yes this article was hard to digest,and horrible .

  2. There really is a glimmer of honesty re: single men there – I know, I am one, and have been for a while.

    But honestly bro, wow. Just wow. Your handle on the path ‘single women’ take is so far removed from my experience it’s not funny.

    I agree there is social conditioning there, for both genders. But I have to say I feel you’re a little confused as to the mechanics of it all. Men are generally comfortable with the ‘single path’, as you call it. But for my money, we navigate that path with aplomb often because we are taught to not succumb to our emotional needs, rather than a deeper understanding of what we require to make us feel like we ‘belong’ more, whatever the fuck that means.

    There is a transition happening. Men are unsure of their roles in many cases, and women are misled on the goals in many cases. We owe it to ourselves to admit we’re actually a little unsure of what is happening for us, as quality, viable spouses, before we make broad generalisations like you’ve just done. Hold tight – we’ll either figure it out, or just find the space to be comfortable doing what we do and forge our own path – but for fuck’s sake, don’t say what ‘it is’ for others. We’re all still trying to figure it out.

  3. I won’t say the article is horrible but I don’t think it really deals with the core issue based on the title of the article. It might have been wiser to not presume how women find their path to love but to discuss with more transparency why, as the author says, men just “know it’ll happen.”
    I’ve met many men searching just as frantically for love as women do; with standards just as outrageous as the most shallow women.
    I just wonder if the author really reflected before typing this out…

  4. Love doesn’t just happen. Love is cultivated, it requires two people making an effort. One person can only do so much on their own to make a relationship happen, without the other person putting in thought or effort – it only goes so far and then ends.

    If you aren’t investing your time and thoughtfulness in someone then you’re likely not really truly interested in finding love. This is the mistake that many single men make. You hear them gripe about not being able to find someone, and then you look at their dating habits or that they’re on the same dating website year after year, and the reason is obvious, they’re not serious about finding a mate and they’re not making any real effort to. In fact, your article confirms what I’ve been thinking – most single men think love just falls out of the sky or shows-up is like some big explosion that triggers the guy to know – “Aha! This is the one!”.

    Nope, it’s an evolution, a process and something that develops. Add to that the criteria that’s been determined will result in a successful, longterm relationship – and it’s obvious that not only does love take effort – it takes paying attention and looking for someone you’re compatible with based on interests, temperament, life goals, etc. Chances of the right one “just happening” are slim.

    No idea the criteria for this website and how content is selected, I thought it was about setting an example for what a ‘Good Man” is? This poor assumption and generalization about women, and lack of awareness in general is exactly what I thought this site aimed to debunk? I wonder if the author is married himself? If not, this article says it all as to why. Consider it poor advice.

  5. Sorry but indeed, this is BS. I am a single woman of 38… and it might be a European thing but here I see single men around me struggle and doubt. And suffer. As much as I see more and more single women enjoy their lives alone in the way you describe. “With good friends and a membership at a nice gym…” Do you really think men know love just happens and women don’t? What a strange thing to say. We are all and I do mean ALL fucked up in our conditioning. Real love and the “happening” of it is always beyond that conditioning. What ever form that took. Real love goes even beyond the conditioning of the young man being oolalala o so cool with their gym’s and strip clubs. Man this is baaaaaaaaaad!

  6. Hi Greg

    Have you ever heard of the fact that women can not become pregnant with their first child after the age around 42?

    And have talked about men 50+,60+? They are not so happy thinking of a life as a single man the next 50 years.
    I am a single women and can tell you that your description of single woman is pure phantasy.

  7. Off course men wan true love & may fall in love different ways but most ‘good men’ also understand that having one night stands & being a ‘playa’ is not just disrespectful to women, ignoring their feelings & treating them like meat, a fun time while they themselves are looking for something more. But most men know that women are going to avoid him, people looking for a relationship are not going to date someone who is a player, someone who comes off as a player even. Its like saying love will ‘just happen’ when the only women you meet are married, doesn’t work that way, if you want to meet quality women you need to be a quality partner. If this is your attitude you better be glad you are single & be expecting to remain that way for a very, very long time.

  8. Greg Simms Jr. says:

    Thanks everyone for your comments. I wrote a series of articles on another website a few (3) years ago. They gave me a “Single Men” column, and I wrote about the life of a single man, from the perspective of a man who WAS single at the time…me. And, yes, I was for lack of a better term, a “swinging dick”. A “guy’s guy”. I frequented strip clubs, bars, you name it. And, many of the women I met in my “travels” fit the description of the women I described in my article (and the articles yet to be posted, I wrote several). Very cool, very smart women, but women who WERE on a mission to find a mate…FAST. I had many women who were upset at me because I was very happy being single, and I was in no hurry to date nor have a relationship. EVEN in my late thirties.

    Fast forward to today, and I’m in a two year relationship. I barely drink alcohol now, and the last time I went to a strip club, I left 20 minutes into it, because I forgot to run an errand for my lady, and I knew she would’ve killed me had I not done it. Plainly put, people change. I was a wild bronco three years ago. Now…I’m a domesticated house cat of a man.

    This article, and the following ones, are the snapshot of me as a different guy. All of your comments are welcome. I welcome your opinions. Just know that these were/are the thoughts of a younger guy at a very different time in his life.

    • Given that context, it’s actually become an interesting article. Would be sweet to see the follow up articles too – evolution is a fascinating thing.

  9. Yes, I’m single. No, I’m not happy about it. And you won’t be finding me in the strip clubs or on the prowl for one night stands anytime soon.

  10. The title of this article made me excited to read it. But I have to admit it felt a little empty for me.

    There is some truth in how women and men are socialized about love and marriage. You are more likely to see little girls talking about their marriage that little boys. Although I’m not sure how knowing what flowers we will have at our wedding prepares us pro-style for marriage and love. I also don’t know how I’m suppose to feel with the idea that men run around, have one night stands, visit strip clubs and treat women like they are disposable until he decides not to anymore. And this is suppose to conjure up feelings of understanding or sweetness in us ladies in how men approach finding “love”? And a testament to love is suppose to be how the author left a strip club to run an errand for his partner.. err… that’s so “romantic?” I mean really? Call me crazy but I just find this all very frustrating.

    • “And a testament to love is suppose to be how the author left a strip club to run an errand for his partner.. err… that’s so “romantic?” I mean really?”
      Exactly. Why go to a strip club in the first place if you’re in a relationship? A bachelor party seems to be the only valid excuse (not in my book, but probably everyone else’s). So, he left a bachelor party to run an errand? Seems unlikely. So…this is just a regular place to go for not-single dudes? For that to be standard/okay in our society is more than frustrating but…that’s a whole other GMP article I guess.

  11. I can’t speak for all women, only for myself (and I sure wish this author did not generalize women in this way) but this article is so far from true (it’s like it’s from the 1950’s or something). I have been friends with many male friends, and I assure you, that watching them grow and eventually marry most all of them were serial daters. They were rarely single, and it seems from this experience I can only conclude that men are terrible being single. They hate being alone, and will date anyone to avoid being ‘single’. The idea that they are as cool as a cucumber, assuming love will just come as opposed to women who are frantically panic stricken over it, is ridiculous. I’ve been single most of my entire life, assuming that at the right time love will just come, and I see is men who are either dating the wrong person so they aren’t alone, or men ready to “settle down” and hail the next wife like a cab. Ridiculous post.

  12. James Becker says:

    I can see where Greg is coming from. It’s a very traditional perspective though, and a little one-sided. But I think a lot of people still think this way, and it’s only fair that he share his opinion. All opinions are one-sided, anyway.

    Most of the girls I’ve seriously dated wanted marriage. Most of the girls I’ve gotten to know intimately confessed to me their obsessions with weddings, white dresses and rings, and hoping for “that day” to come.

    Maybe I’ve just been dating traditional girls?

    • Hi James

      Many women want children.
      They have a choice, be single mother, find a man and cohabitate or find a man and marry.( for some polygamous families are also an option).
      If you look realistically at those alternative if you want children,then maybe you understand why many women hope they can marriage.
      Still marriage today is not what everybody wants any longer . Read this funny article about marriages as a weird lifestyle choice today :)

      “I oppose tax breaks for marriage – why should I subsidise other people’s weird lifestyle choices?
      There’s no reason anyone should be herded into an archaic arrangement that does not work for everybody”
      .http://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2013/07/i-oppose-tax-breaks-marriage-%E2%80%93-why-should-i-subsidise-other-people%E2%80%99s-weird-lifestyl

    • It would seem that way. Not all women are secretly obsessed with marriage dude. I can tell you that if within a few moments into a date she says ANYTHING about marriage (even “I don’t want to get married”) she is probably obsessed with marriage. However, some women who are serious about NOT getting married will want to make that known sooner rather than later as to not mislead anyone. When I do this I wait until the third or fourth date. Jussaiyan. : )

  13. Emma McAleavy says:

    This article is extremely innacurate in its description of both men and women. Every single one of my female friends is single and none of us have any intention of marrying in the immediate future. Like many women in this country and abroad we are acutely aware of the drawback of partnering with men who may or may not be our equal in terms of education, class or achievement. Even those of us who find ourself among eligable young men, or who do not give consideration to such superficial distinctions often choose to stay single for long periods of time because we’re not that desperate! When one of us is partnered for an extended period of time, a certain amount of disaprobation is likely to be expressed among us, after all, a woman with a boyfriend is likely less fun, available and interesting than the same woman single.

    Additionally, most of my male friends are extremely interested in relationships. They want to feel emotionally safe with with women they are sexual with. They are not interested in casual encounters. The worry that they will not find someone and they are consistently on the look our for a potential girlfriend.

  14. I’m 27, in a relationship and not willing to get married because the whole thing is just a huge display of insanity.

    In the Western World, single women are no longer burdens on their families and yet nobody ever talks about sex from a female point of view, people hardly even talk about love from a female point of view. All they talk about is marriage (or its more modern version, the monogamous, heterosexual couple). Don’t get all those things confused. All fairy tales don’t end with “they loved each other ever after” but “got married and live happily ever after”. It’s all about the social construct, the production unit we built around sex to produce more human beings. We tied it with love to make it more appealing but it’s just a production line meant to produce more babies…

    Yet we put so much emphasis on the darn thing that when we take it away, we take for granted that there is nothing left.

  15. I’ll bet this article resonated powerfully with readers when it first ran in 1978.

    Doesn’t really match up to today’s experiences, though.

  16. I’m 36, divorced, and single, and I am NOT looking for love!

    All I want is a woman who will be NICE, CLEAN, and FAITHFUL. She doesn’t have to love me or say romantic things. All I want is some sex, some small pleasantries (how was your day? did you eat anything unusual, etc.), and no dicking around with HER EX!!!!!

    In my experience ‘Love’ is little more than a woman trying to get one over on you (and your father, if he lives with you, like he did in my case), and then making sappy faces when you ask ‘what gives’?

    Who needs it. I’d rather have a nice friend or maybe a live-in maid situation. I know someone who had over 15 dogs way out in the middle of nowhere and he said that when two of them attacked and nearly killed him it was still better than being IN LOVE (this is a true story).

  17. Well my dad has bad hips and severe dental problems but otherwise he’s pretty happy. I have been through a lot and it pains me daily to think about what a fool I was. To this day, my experience with this one woman has given me ulcers, severe skin problems, and a series of lumps on my body that science CANNOT explain. Love is the reason, namely heartbreak and stress, and it is difficult to cope. Lucky I live in the TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FREE where health care is paid for by tax payers, including my ex, me, my father and CHAD. It’s funny but it’s like we all hurt each other but we also help so it all works out in the end.

  18. Oh you meant the dog LOL

    I don’t know him that well but he fixes our cars. It was just something he said and I don’t know if it’s true but he did have that many dogs and was missing fingers.

    From behind the fence I saw one or two who I thought were troublemakers but who knows.

    OMG 2 funny. Sorry Erin.

  19. I think they just happened to have a can of green paint in their truck.

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