My not-so-secret glee of violating urinal etiquette.
One of my favorite bar pastimes is using the restroom.
No, I don’t have some third-stage Freudian glee-gasm every time I have an opportunity to take my junk out in a public place. I’m mostly like you: I walk into the bathroom, I piss, and I wash my hands—the latter, by the way, I wish most of you did more after you’ve finished propping up your dick up with your fingers because, really, dude, I have to use that door handle, too. I don’t want to touch the dick-germed door handle after you with my bare hands. That’s gross.
The splendid little joy I get from peeing in public restrooms is because I love pissing next to other men. And, again, it’s not because of any psychoanalytical assumptions you’re immediately groping for after having read that last sentence. It’s because of the hilarious concept of urinal etiquette, the unspoken yet universally agreed upon code de urinoir that all men practice. As long as I can remember, and with the collaboration of all the men I know, violating this code is simply something that Thou Shall Not.
Urinal etiquette. Some bullshit maxim in which men don’t try to make a currently pissing man uncomfortable by pissing too closely to him. The urinal treaty therefore requires that the second man select the furthest possible location from the first man to relieve himself.
The irony of this pact is that while you’re trying to make yourself and your fellow men as comfortable as possible whilst urinating, you’re basically asking to be made uncomfortable by following this. Luckily, I’m there, willing to step right in and piss right next to you to make sure you’re inordinately uncomfortable.
I wouldn’t even shake two shits out about this notion if it weren’t for the fact that, universally, men seem completely creeped out by any man pissing next to him. Why does it make it so much more comfortable if there is a urinal-sized space put between two men who want to piss? Men, who will piss off porches in front of people. Men, who will take a pause while drunkenly stumbling home and piss on the sides of buildings. Men, who as boys used to sword fight their urine streams with those of other boys. Men, who think the true north of the world is calibrated by the size of his dick. Yet it’s these same men who are frightened into urinary paralysis if another man happens to be standing too close to him while he’s trying to pee.
If I walk into a bathroom and see four open urinals and one frustrated man trying to squeeze out a pee in the fifth one, I will always defiantly saddle up in that fourth urinal and happily piss away the last $4 I spent half an hour ago on some imported Belgian beer. What’s more, I love being able to joyfully and audibly pee into my urinal while the dude next to me struggles with his stump and tries to overcome the onset of nervousness to try to dribble a few more drops of urine out.
Seriously, what are you worried about, Other Dudes? Regardless of how nice your ding is, if I or another man decides to piss next to you when other urinals are open, don’t worry, I’m not going to suddenly compliment your wristwatch while both of us are two-handing our dongs at the urinal. If I step into the urinal immediately to your right when other urinals are a safe distance away, it isn’t an invitation to start doing Hindu squats over each other’s faces. Just because I’m pissing next to you doesn’t suggest that we might accidentally suck each other’s cocks in the ensuing few minutes.
Trust me, you’re over-flattering yourself by assuming the role of vulnerable, besieged urinal-pisser.
No man I’ve asked about urinal etiquette has really provided a substantial answer for why it’s so uncomfortable for a man to stand too close to him while at the urinals. Simply defending your comfort levels as saying it’s “creepy” or “skeazy” isn’t really an explanation. Why is it so creepy? What do you really think is the worst that will happen by this? Does it really ruin your day to be reminded that other guys besides you have a capable dick as well?
The maxim of Andy Kaufman was that the joke was always funnier when the people on whom the joke was played weren’t in on the joke. That’s why I piss right next to all of you: I’m doing it because it makes me laugh knowing how uncomfortable it’s making you to have another man willfully choose to piss at the urinal next to you when so much further, “safer” options are available. More than that, it demonstrates to me the fragility of personal space and, for a lot of you, your own masculinity.
So if me pissing next to you is enough to subvert your comfort, to really jolt your manhood, I think it might be about time for you to re-evaluate your self-confidence, because if me pissing wordlessly next to you is enough to disrupt it, you’re skating on broken ice, broheme.
In the meantime, stop worrying about me and anybody else next to you. You should consider yourself lucky that I don’t forage that extra mile at the urinals and speak admirably about your wristwatch.
Image credit: sashafatcat/Flickr