Are you keeping a few friends or acquaintances on your radar as potential hookups or relationship material? Is your ex on your backup list? Are you still pining over your college crush?
Well, if you want a new relationship, you’ve got to cut them loose. If that cute friend you secretly have the hots for was going to be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, it likely would have happened by now. Another 4 years of pining and fantasizing isn’t going to increase your odds.
I know for me there are many times when I’ve yearned in fantasyland over a female friend or co-worker who I found cute. I knew we ultimately were not an ideal match or they simply weren’t into me. But I kept obsessing over them… “Damn, she’s so hot/cute/sexy, maybe something will shift and she’ll like me.” Or the times when I would call or text a girl just because I’m bored or lonely, hoping they’ll bite the bait and want to hang out/make out. And when we did meet up, it wasn’t even fulfilling. The energy behind my intention was one of filling an inner void, rather than a sincere desire to connect with that specific person. Not cool for me or her.
When you have all these people lingering around in your mind and heart as potential but improbable dating options, you create these one-way energetic cords spreading out to different people. Your energy gets scattered around and you lose your attractive power. There is no open space for someone new to enter. Either bust a move and find out once and for all if they like you, or accept the reality of what is and move on.
Check out this well-known monkey parable:
A banana is in a steel box with a hole and a tasty banana inside. The hole is just large enough for a monkey to slip its hand in and out. If the monkey reaches inside and grabs the banana, he won’t be able to pull its hand out with the banana. What should the monkey do? Keep the banana but never eat it because it will always be in the box, while also risking capture by other predators? Or choose to let go of the banana, realizing there are probably lots more easily reachable bananas out there?
All those dating options you keep open are like that banana. Yes, you theoretically could have an amazing fruit, but given the reality of the situation it’s not gonna happen. Better to let go and move on to a banana that’s much easier.
The best dating is easy dating. When the vibe between two people is clear, palpable and MUTUAL. If it ain’t all three of those things, then all the convincing, waiting, or fantasizing in the world ain’t gonna make a crapload of difference. I’m not talking about the handful of people that you might be genuinely interested in and who are also genuinely (and secretly) interested in you. Pursue those. Find out what’s up with them but also be willing to accept whatever answer you get back.
I invite you to play with the idea that your soulmate isn’t going to come from anyone you currently know. There are 6 billion people on this planet and the Universe is ready to help you rendezvous with lots of potential great mates for you. But when you have your mental and emotional energy tied up with people who are obviously not the right (and easiest) match for you, that just creates resistance. Keep your energy focused on yourself.
Here are some suggestions and insights that have helped me let go of some bananas:
- Get real about anyone in your life that you’re currently fantasizing about. Take charge of your romantic fantasies. Find out if they are interested in you or just decide to let them go. The “one that got away” from you is probably where they need to be anyways: AWAY. Write in your journal, meditate, see a therapist, talk to your friends. Whatever you need to do to get grounded in yourself and come back into your own attractive power.
- Think back to all your former partners and trace back to when you met them. In most of the cases, one hour before you actually met them, you had no idea of their very existence on planet Earth.
- Get excited about the possibilities and be curious about new people you meet. Your next partner is out there right now. They are not in the ethers waiting to be born. They’re already out in the world, going to movies, spilling coffee on their shirt, enjoying a walk in the sunshine. They also have no idea who the hell you are. Yet.
Photo by SeRVe Photography/Flickr
About Jeffrey Platts
I agree with this. Good article.
Thanks, Steph! Thanks for taking the time to read.
You can’t find love until you learn how to manage a relationship properly: http://goo.gl/obiC
By the title I thought this had something to do with masturbation. I guess I am biased.
I was thinking along the same lines. I must have a dirty mind.
I do agree with the article though.
Haha. Yeah, the banana story metaphor came first, the humorous innuendo was unintentionally second.
This is not meant to suggest violence of any kind, just working with the tortured metaphor:
Dismantle the box and take out the banana that way.
Or, squeeze the banana really hard and lick your fingers.
Or, invent a tool that gets it out the slot. Even chimps use tools.
C’mon, Homo sapiens, put a little thought into it. Sheesh.
(Perhaps I have trouble letting go….)
stab banana with stick, get childs hands, shake box upside down:P
Great article. It’s quite weird, because I’ve practiced this policy really actively for ages, but you know there’s always that one sad person you’re holding onto in the back of your head? That person calls and you break. Working on getting that ‘not breaking’ part right.
@Nas Who: Yeah, we all have those one or two partners who are tougher to let go of. First step is always awareness, and then choice. Good luck!
I know what you mean – been there a few times with the same person, over and over again.
Well, yes……but might it not be that people hold on to that banana because they can’t see any other bananas anywhere else in sight?
My experience has been that it’s easier to ‘let go’ of hopes of getting involved with those people we already know when we can entertain realistic hopes of meeting someone new. In the absence of realistic prospects for meeting someone new, ‘holding on’ is rather natural, if unproductive.
@AnonymousDog: Yes, having someone that is more compelling makes it a lot easier to move on and let go. The real skill and benefit comes from letting go even in the absence of those other options. Harder, but doable.
I can’t tell you how many men that I have gone on dates that were not only holding on to the banana but felt the need to talk about their bananas as well. And I know women do that as well. I like to let go of my bananas rather freely. I don’t typically see people as the ones that got away but the ones that were never there in the first place and who are just taking up valuable space in my mind and heart for no real good reason.
But I agree it’s hard sometimes. But sometimes it’s cathartic too.
@Kat: Agreed, no talking about bananas on your first date, literal or metaphoric.
Thanks for sharing!
The thing about the banana and monkey thing, is that the banana can be squished by one hand so you can actually get part of the banana out of the box.
Hi Jeffrey,
Great advice never ages!
Wish I could have read your piece 10 years earlier when agonizing in a one-way relationship!
Cheers,
Alex
I loved this article – helped me with something I’ve been battling with for a few days now!