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Well, if you want a new relationship, you’ve got to cut them loose. If that cute friend you secretly have the hots for was going to be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, it likely would have happened by now. Another 4 years of pining and fantasizing isn’t going to increase your odds.
I know for me there are many times when I’ve yearned in fantasyland over a female friend or co-worker who I found cute. I knew we ultimately were not an ideal match or they simply weren’t into me. But I kept obsessing over them… “Damn, she’s so hot/cute/sexy, maybe something will shift and she’ll like me.” Or the times when I would call or text a girl just because I’m bored or lonely, hoping they’ll bite the bait and want to hang out/make out. And when we did meet up, it wasn’t even fulfilling. The energy behind my intention was one of filling an inner void, rather than a sincere desire to connect with that specific person. Not cool for me or her.
When you have all these people lingering around in your mind and heart as potential but improbable dating options, you create these one-way energetic cords spreading out to different people. Your energy gets scattered around and you lose your attractive power. There is no open space for someone new to enter. Either bust a move and find out once and for all if they like you, or accept the reality of what is and move on.
Check out this well-known monkey parable:
A banana is in a steel box with a hole and a tasty banana inside. The hole is just large enough for a monkey to slip its hand in and out. If the monkey reaches inside and grabs the banana, he won’t be able to pull its hand out with the banana. What should the monkey do? Keep the banana but never eat it because it will always be in the box, while also risking capture by other predators? Or choose to let go of the banana, realizing there are probably lots more easily reachable bananas out there?
All those dating options you keep open are like that banana. Yes, you theoretically could have an amazing fruit, but given the reality of the situation it’s not gonna happen. Better to let go and move on to a banana that’s much easier.
The best dating is easy dating. When the vibe between two people is clear, palpable and MUTUAL. If it ain’t all three of those things, then all the convincing, waiting, or fantasizing in the world ain’t gonna make a crapload of difference. I’m not talking about the handful of people that you might be genuinely interested in and who are also genuinely (and secretly) interested in you. Pursue those. Find out what’s up with them but also be willing to accept whatever answer you get back.
I invite you to play with the idea that your soulmate isn’t going to come from anyone you currently know. There are 6 billion people on this planet and the Universe is ready to help you rendezvous with lots of potential great mates for you. But when you have your mental and emotional energy tied up with people who are obviously not the right (and easiest) match for you, that just creates resistance. Keep your energy focused on yourself.
Here are some suggestions and insights that have helped me let go of some bananas:
- Get real about anyone in your life that you’re currently fantasizing about. Take charge of your romantic fantasies. Find out if they are interested in you or just decide to let them go. The “one that got away” from you is probably where they need to be anyways: AWAY. Write in your journal, meditate, see a therapist, talk to your friends. Whatever you need to do to get grounded in yourself and come back into your own attractive power.
- Think back to all your former partners and trace back to when you met them. In most of the cases, one hour before you actually met them, you had no idea of their very existence on planet Earth.
- Get excited about the possibilities and be curious about new people you meet. Your next partner is out there right now. They are not in the ethers waiting to be born. They’re already out in the world, going to movies, spilling coffee on their shirt, enjoying a walk in the sunshine. They also have no idea who the hell you are. Yet.
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Photo by Hello I’m Nik 🇬🇧 on Unsplash
Excellent read! It must begin right here, right now. Obviously. It begins with me. Isn’t it interesting that “me” reads “we” with the ‘M’ the flipped upside down?
First “Me” then “We”!
Win-Win.
Man, this is good, now I get a lot of things. I recently got appart on a 8 year long relationship, just to find that, yes, I feel free and happy, but just forgot how to get back in the game. Reading articles like this is getting me to know miself more and to remember things i had forgot. Nice Web, nice articles, very helpful. Thanks.
Thank you for the article. Hope that I’ll be able to laugh it of a year from now.
Really great article. I valued this. Thanks, Jeff! -D.
this was a one so goood
When a door is closed, another door is opened. This is very good advice for the person that feels stuck.
“…If that cute friend you secretly have the hots for was going to be your next boyfriend or girlfriend, it likely would have happened by now. Another 4 years of pining and fantasizing isn’t going to increase your odds…”
So wrong, this happened to me with my current girlfriend. I’d been thinking about her for almost two years, she’s a very old friend of an old friend. And she’s amazing.
The advice isn’t wrong, you (and your girlfriend) are a wonderful exception.
I had a relationship with someone I had known 15 years before when she was a friend’s girlfriend/ex-gf. Obviously I wasn’t going to pursue her back then, and when we met years later, it started as old friends with shared history. After not too long, was pleased to learn she had had similar thought way back when.
This article hit me right at home. Currently going through this with a long distance *something*, whatever the heck this thing has been for the past 2 years with this guy. We both know we like each other, but this other person told me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship because of the distance. According to them because of previous experience of being in long distance relationships and the women always ending it. He told me this and said that he didn’t want to ruin things between us if something like that were to happen. He says… Read more »
Totally needed this advice right now. Thank you. 🙂
During the 3 years together I find out he has a so called friend he’s more loyal to than his relationship to me, his girlfriend. (In fact any female friend he has feelings for, I’m a second thought is what I came to learn and if I didn’t have feelings for them like he did, there was something wrong with me, that I was being jealous or possessive or controlling! Unfortunately, the female friends he had were unknowns to me but the way he treated them in front of me, like I didn’t exist, when he talked to them he… Read more »
I too have met a few great potentials who hadn’t “moved on” and they weren’t honest with themselves or myself and it is cruel! I have no respect for guys who haven’t left their baggage behind!
I come at it from a different point of view in that my past loves and my current crushes are part of who I am and how my heart works. Pretending otherwise is useless. I don’t hold out hope of hooking up with these crushes or exes but I don’t banish them from my heart either. Any partner with whom I become very intimate eventually knows about all these things and ideally is able to celebrate them in some way. In the same breath I love knowing about my sweetie’s past loves and current crushes. There is a vitality that… Read more »
I think you have a cool approach. I understand what you are doing (I think) and it is not holding you back from meeting or loving your partner. You just have a rich interior life!
I enjoyed the article. As someone presently going through a divorce due infidelity on her part, I am in the cycle of self-reflection and discovery all for the purposes of healing, and preparing myself for what life has yet to offer. Not so much a banana needing to be let go but perhaps a bunch of bananas to be sure.
Ever encounter people who criticize other people that are outgoing and actually like meeting new people, getting to know them, talking to them etc, but because that person has a spouse, they think that she shouldn’t have a huge network of friends, or have a lot of interest outside the marriage, especially in business where networking is everything, what is the problem with that when its a woman doing the networking. Curious if anyone else encounters that bias thinking she is looking for something other than connecting with people.
Jeffrey,
Great article. I just posted the belief in letting go of good (good enough) for great/spectacular. Keep writin’ and fighitn’.
Anthony
I loved this article – helped me with something I’ve been battling with for a few days now! 🙂
Hi Jeffrey,
Great advice never ages!
Wish I could have read your piece 10 years earlier when agonizing in a one-way relationship!
Cheers,
Alex
The thing about the banana and monkey thing, is that the banana can be squished by one hand so you can actually get part of the banana out of the box.
I can’t tell you how many men that I have gone on dates that were not only holding on to the banana but felt the need to talk about their bananas as well. And I know women do that as well. I like to let go of my bananas rather freely. I don’t typically see people as the ones that got away but the ones that were never there in the first place and who are just taking up valuable space in my mind and heart for no real good reason. But I agree it’s hard sometimes. But sometimes it’s… Read more »
@Kat: Agreed, no talking about bananas on your first date, literal or metaphoric. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
Well, yes……but might it not be that people hold on to that banana because they can’t see any other bananas anywhere else in sight?
My experience has been that it’s easier to ‘let go’ of hopes of getting involved with those people we already know when we can entertain realistic hopes of meeting someone new. In the absence of realistic prospects for meeting someone new, ‘holding on’ is rather natural, if unproductive.
@AnonymousDog: Yes, having someone that is more compelling makes it a lot easier to move on and let go. The real skill and benefit comes from letting go even in the absence of those other options. Harder, but doable.
I love that you said “The real skill and benefit comes from letting go even in the absence of those other options. Harder, but doable.” This is true! It is hard, but definitely doable…
Well said.
Great article. It’s quite weird, because I’ve practiced this policy really actively for ages, but you know there’s always that one sad person you’re holding onto in the back of your head? That person calls and you break. Working on getting that ‘not breaking’ part right.
@Nas Who: Yeah, we all have those one or two partners who are tougher to let go of. First step is always awareness, and then choice. Good luck!
I know what you mean – been there a few times with the same person, over and over again.
This is not meant to suggest violence of any kind, just working with the tortured metaphor:
Dismantle the box and take out the banana that way.
Or, squeeze the banana really hard and lick your fingers.
Or, invent a tool that gets it out the slot. Even chimps use tools.
C’mon, Homo sapiens, put a little thought into it. Sheesh.
(Perhaps I have trouble letting go….)
stab banana with stick, get childs hands, shake box upside down:P
By the title I thought this had something to do with masturbation. I guess I am biased.
I was thinking along the same lines. I must have a dirty mind. 😀 I do agree with the article though.
Haha. Yeah, the banana story metaphor came first, the humorous innuendo was unintentionally second. 🙂
Where is the double-like x 1000 thumbs up button when you need it?
I agree with this. Good article.
Thanks, Steph! Thanks for taking the time to read.
You can’t find love until you learn how to manage a relationship properly: http://goo.gl/obiC
THANK YOU! I 100% agree. I just wish my ex would have thought the same way too….every person in my life was a potential relationship unexplored, and therefore I needed to be questioned after every phone call. Hence why he is my ex.
agreed…good article…
thanks…I needed to read this