Psychologist Jed Diamond wants us all to celebrate our penises. (Though not necessarily in the same room.)
As I prepare to celebrate Father’s Day, I think about my own father who died ten years ago at the age of 90. I think about my five children and ten grandchildren. I think about my wife (and ex-wife). I think about all the fathers and children of the world, and the joy as well as the pain that is so much a part of life. Mostly, though, I think about my penis.
I would like to extend a warm and loving greeting to my penis. Well, not just my penis, but all men’s penises. I mean, where would we be without the penises of the world? If the first thought that pops into your mind is “Dude, I’m not gay,” or, if you’re tempted to make some sort of penis joke, you’re not alone. Penis jokes are easy and popular and almost always negative. Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 99% of their decisions for them.
God created Adam and informed him that he was blessed with both a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift, allowing Adam to do many things. The penis was also a good gift, allowing the human race to continue. But here’s the problem: God only gave Adam enough blood supply to use one at a time.
Some years ago I remember reading Betty Dodson’s book, Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving, where she describes female masturbation in such a passionate and caring way. I wonder why we don’t think of our penises in a more positive light. We’ve all heard the terms used to describe male masturbation: Bashing the candle. Bleeding the weasel. Bopping the baloney. Burping the worm. Choking the chicken. Cranking the shank. Cuffing the carrot. Fisting your mister. Flogging the log. Jerkin’ the gherkin. Pounding your flounder. Pumping the python. Spanking the monkey. Whipping the willy. Yanking the crank.
As a therapist I’ve come to see that the way men treat themselves (generally not well) is also often the way we treat women, children, and the planet. Can we really have a loving relationship with the world if we don’t have a loving relationship with our penises? I suspect we would live in a more sane and joyful world if we treated our penises better.
On this Father’s Day, I want to appreciate my penis for all the pleasure it has brought me—and, hopefully, those who have come to know it. I want to appreciate my penis for being able to pee. I remember getting a prostate infection after having a biopsy, not being able to pee, and having to have a catheter inserted. I’ll never take peeing for granted again.
I want to appreciate my penis for being a good friend and companion for sixty-six years. I miss the sexual vigor it once had but feel blessed that it still works pretty damn well.
On this Father’s Day, if you are the proud owner of a penis, be nice to him. If you are the partner of a man who is the proud owner of a penis, be nice to him, too. Maybe we can think of some new names for our interactions with our penises. How about Loving the Lilly or Petting the Pony? After seeing the Vagina Monologues, I thought it would be a good idea if we could hear some positive stories from the penis world. Perhaps we could call them Cock Tales? So, friends, what do you think? Shall we celebrate our penises? What nice things do you have to say about the organ down under?