Yahoo has tapped into the Great Male Hivemind to find out what food all men everywhere hate. Apparently, you do this by asking a couple of dudes what kind of food they aren’t fond of. Judging by this logic and the dietary habits of my roommate Justin, all men subsist on mozzarella cheese sticks, cheese pizza, waffles with cheese and Mountain Dew (apparently cheeseless).
Now, NSWATM’s male readers might be all, “wait a minute. I just kind of eat food that tastes good/is nutritious/will fit in with my rigorous bodybuilding schedule. How am I supposed to know if I’m eating the right food? What if, all along, I’ve been eating food that is hopelessly unmasculine?”
Never fear. I have read the list of Foods Men Hate and synthesized a few rules for how men are supposed to eat.
First, men don’t care about animal rights. Why would they? After all, when the cavemen were hunting the mammoth to feed you, there weren’t a lot of namby-pamby PETA* motherfuckers running about with clipboards trying to figure out whether the mammoth had been hit with too many stone arrowheads. Therefore, men don’t want menus that mention whether the animals are ethically raised, they don’t want to eat tofu or any other source of non-meat protein and they certainly don’t want to eat vegan.
Second, men don’t like healthy food. Men absolutely despise brown rice on sushi, for instance. They hate raw food– chopped-up carrots in ranch dressing isn’t for Real Men, it’s for women on diets (assuming that saying “women” and “on a diet” isn’t redundant, of course! Ha ha I crack myself up someone kill me now). And they absolutely, utterly, entirely despise vegetables. This is because men are basically five-year-olds with a sex drive, and you wouldn’t expect a five-year-old to think that something could possibly taste good if it isn’t neon-colored with a cartoon character on front.
Third, men don’t like fancy food. Hamburgers should be made with buns, not sourdough! Gourmet burgers are suspect! You may think this is somewhat odd, as “Ken, systems analyst” thinks that guacamole should cost ten dollars when everyone, or at least every broke college student, knows you can get as much guac as you want for free at Moe’s, but the only logical conclusion is that men both dislike fancy food and are not very good with money. Also, that dude who was interviewed for the article who ran a “Virtual Gourmet Newsletter” isn’t a real man. I mean, he’s a food editor! Probably a fag.
Fourth, men hate tableside guacamole. Don’t know why, they just do.
So you’ve got yourself the perfect meal: sliders (made with only the most tortured factory-farm beef, of course– their tears flavor your food), cupcakes and macaroons. It’s unhealthy! It’s not fancy! Tabletop guac doesn’t make an appearance! It’s everything a man could want!
Unfortunately, no. You see, men hate small things. We don’t know why. Maybe it’s a phallic thing. But the point is, you are not allowed to eat any small burgers. You are not allowed to eat any small cakes. And you are definitely not allowed to eat any small… egg-white… sugar… things. Especially not ones that are named in French! French people are just cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
To recap:
- No food that involves treating animals well.
- No healthy food.
- No fancy food.
- No table guacamole.
- No small food.
Just follow these five simple rules, and you too will be able to Eat like a Man ™!
*PETA sucks. This message has been brought to you by the Coalition for Reasonable Vegans.
About ozyfrantz
@Chris L Hubley:
“I also gey very suspicious whenever anyone uses the “it’s natural/not natural” argument about any aspect of human behaviour, whether it’s eating meat or homosexuality.”
Off-topic, but when I hear someone someone use the “not-natural cause they can’t have babies” argument against homosexuality, i ask them how many times they themselves have had sex without the purpose and result of making a baby.
But Tofu isn’t perfect, either… I’ve heard there are a lot of health issues. (Of course, I still eat it).
“Nothing about human’s lives is “natural”. ”
A few years ago a commneter over at FC, who has since vanised, made the point that it is idle to quibble over whether something is natural or cultural since it’s human nature to generate and be shaped by culture.
“I also gey very suspicious whenever anyone uses the “it’s natural/not natural” argument about any aspect of human behaviour, whether it’s eating meat …”
But with food the culture argument is only part of the discussion. We are adapted to eating meat, and not just meat, but spoiled meat. We evolved our meat-eating as scavengers and that is why we have such acidic stomachs, unlike herbivores. That’s why salami tastes good to us and not to cats so much. That acidity kills off a lot pathogens in the meat that hyenas have passed on. It’s like milk-drinking and lactose intolerance – sure, there is a lot of cultural baggage around milk in lots of cultures, but at the end of the day you either have one of the lactase persistence genetic motifs or you don’t.
_But Tofu isn’t perfect, either… I’ve heard there are a lot of health issues. (Of course, I still eat it)._
I think the issue is that it can be a problem if you’re eating a lot of soya or getting most of your protien that way. Of course there are many sources of protien that are neither meat nor tofu, so if you’re sensible it shouldn’t be a problem.
“It’s like milk-drinking and lactose intolerance – sure, there is a lot of cultural baggage around milk in lots of cultures, but at the end of the day you either have one of the lactase persistence genetic motifs or you don’t.”
I don’t know anything about “lactase persistence genetic motifs”, but I do know that I have several friends who had chronic conditions that massively reduced after they stopped eating dairy (mostly eczema/asthma)
@Schala – I find the “no carbs/no fat” people even more annoying, because at least the people who eat cake every day aren’t fooling themselves into thinking that what they’re doing is healthy. The vast majority of fad diets are just trading one unhealthy habit for another. Atkins? Bleah. The only good thing about the Atkins craze was that it introduced a lot of products to the market that are great for people with diabetes. My philosophy of eating echoes Mark Bittman’s: Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.
@Chris L. Hubley – Yes, it is natural for omnivores to eat meat. That’s what “omnivore” MEANS – we eat everything, including meat (even meat that other predators wouldn’t eat, as Jim mentioned) . If eating meat weren’t natural for us, we’d be classified as herbivores. But we aren’t. Why did you take the first half of one sentence of my post out of context? I’m not arguing in favor of anything. I stated a fact and then explicitly said that it’s important to not make value judgments about facts. People who use “it’s not natural” to argue against homosexuality (or anything else they don’t like) are using the naturalistic fallacy; anyone with a halfway decent grasp of logic know that natural does not automatically mean good. Whether a thing is natural or not is irrelevant to a discussion about morals or ethics.
“Atkins? Bleah. ”
It’s slow poison for some people. For others it’s mother’s milk. It’s silly trying to find the One True Diet. Before contact the Inuit lived on a pure meat diet and did fine.
“My philosophy of eating echoes Mark Bittman’s: Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”
Yes. This one works for me.
@Dorkboy – “People who use “it’s not natural” to argue against homosexuality (or anything else they don’t like) are using the naturalistic fallacy; anyone with a halfway decent grasp of logic know that natural does not automatically mean good.”
Years ago I saw a button that read, “Cyanide is ‘all-natural,’ too!”
I’m still regretting not buying it . . .
I agree with the guacamole, because if I want to eat crappy guac that is not being done right (and seriously no tableside service I’ve ever seen makes the guac properly) I better damn well not be forced to pay ten bucks for it.