Dan Griffin believes that when it comes to recovery and abuse, “someone’s got to talk about it.”
I was recently invited to speak at an event in the same small Virginia town where I started my recovery journey and had the chance to be with some of the people with whom I first got sober 17 years ago. There were the guys I called the Fantastic Four: my first sponsor, my first best friend in sobriety, the man who taught me how to say “Hi” to other people, and the man who had what I wanted. And there were the incredible women—especially Mama T and all the adopted grandmas.
There were new stores, new restaurants, and new people in the recovery community. Still, it was surreal for me to be back there, because in many ways nothing had changed, and I felt like no time had passed since I’d walked down the streets, scared shitless of the world and of taking the first steps of this amazing journey, building the foundation for becoming the man I am today.
Much has happened in those years. We have all grown in different ways. One of the guys—who had 10 years of sobriety when I was starting my first year—was someone I really admired. He was not much older than I was, and he had been sober since he was seventeen (I was 22 and he was 27.) He rode a Harley and was covered in tattoos. He looked confident, cool, and he loved recovery.
As we stopped on the sidewalk getting ready to cross the road, Charlie quietly said, “You know, I’m really glad you said something about that abuse stuff and how it has affected your relationships.” Charlie is one of those guys who wants everything recovery has to offer him and is just as strong after 27 years of sobriety as he has ever been. And he is incredibly humble—because he is constantly open to the lessons that life has to teach him.
Charlie then told me what the last several years had brought up for him in his recovery: past sexual abuse. This was the kind of sexual abuse that boys have been raised to think is not only NOT abuse but something to strive for, fantasize about: a female teacher being sexual with him. Never mind the fact that he was in the fifth grade. Now his second marriage was falling apart as he realized he had fallen in love with a woman who was drowning in her own horrific trauma history—and she was taking him down with her.
Without going into detail, Charlie said something extremely powerful about the effect of trauma: “I knew about it. I had talked about in previous fifth steps. I was meeting with a counselor just a year ago when the marriage was going to hell, and as I started talking about it I just erupted into tears and was sobbing the whole time. Then I would call other guys and talk to them about it and do the same thing.” Charlie’s body and spirit knew the impact of pre-adolescent sexual abuse, even if his mind did not. In his mind, those experiences were bragging rights. In his soul, they were killing him.
“Somebody has to talk about it, Dan. All of these men are dealing with something like that, and nobody is talking about it. I have been in recovery for 27 years. Twenty-seven f’ing years, and I never heard guys talking about it.”
That was my experience, as well. And many men who have done trauma work have probably had very similar experiences: despite the incredible prevalence of abuse in men’s lives, very few people talk about it, and it’s difficult to find an addiction curriculum that addresses recovery with these issues in mind.
We estimate that at least 75% of men and women coming into treatment for alcohol and other drug addiction have experienced at least one form of abuse. For men, we know that sexual abuse is underreported, particularly amongst boys and adolescents. We know the line between discipline and physical abuse in childhood is still undefined and unclear to many men. It is also my firm belief that in our society the process of becoming a man is inherently traumatic. And, because sexual confusion, violence and anger are so inextricably woven throughout men’s experience, it is no surprise that so many of us are perplexed about what is appropriate and not appropriate and that we struggle to find a refuge to share our most vulnerable pain. Without a safe place—a very safe place—men are not going to talk about our abuse. And if we don’t talk about it, it won’t stop.
About Dan Griffin
Vocalyze
Hi there Dan, iv just been reading the above, you experience, i thank you for your bravery,honesty, and your spiritualism, your example, and i can only speak for myself got a whole lot out of it, we seem to keep certain stuff to ourselves, thinking thats none of anybodys business,when all the while we,r limiting our own progress, i made it hard for myself, i was brought up to believe that “what goes on inside this house, stays in this house “(identification) so by the time i got into recovery, my back had to be firmly against the wall till i had to “learn to listen and listen to learn” Today odaat, im free of all that, im an open book, GBU betty
Well, I’m going to get into trouble again here. I’m a recovering alcoholic, which I believe is likely genetic, since three of my grandparents and both of my parents were.
I did have an episode of near sex with an older woman when I was a teen ager, and don’t believe that this was abuse. It was actually quite fun. Sometimes I wonder if the adult woman on boy abuse trope is just more moral entrepreneurism.
Henry,
The consequences of family of origin hell can be passed on without it touching our DNA.
The older woman/boy trauma depends on the meaning a boy makes of it as he grows older. The ‘breakup’, questions about self-worth, and probable distorted mother-substitute role can rearrange the way a boy/adolescent views the world-not to mention the awkward transition to age-appropriate dating. As the saying ends, ‘…..unless you’ve walked a mile in another man’s moccasins….’ Be well,
Keep steppin’
Were you in the fifth grade Henry? When there is an element of power involved in can be very tricky, to say the least – and almost always is abuse. The impact it has on a man and his ability to be in relationships can be quite profound – and quite hidden for years (as it was with Charlie.) If your experience did not have any negative effects on you there is no need to worry about being in trouble. Your experience is your experience. But I know far too many men who did not have that experience and did not feel like very willing participants in their sexual experiences – many for whom it was their first sexual experience and many for whom it was women who were the perpetrators. It has hurt these men – just as it did Charlie. It is if for all of them – and those that love them – that I write.
Keep writing, Dan. I’m 90 days sober and just now want to talk about it…
Thanks Jenn and congrats!
Thanks for the article! Because experiences likes these are so under-reported, the best possible thing to do is to write about them publicly.
I could not agree with you more Lindsey.
Very few people know that my mother tried to fondle my penis when I was 10 years old and she was drunk. I didn’t start talking about it until a couple of years ago when I was 25. Of the three people that know now, only one of them believes me (she was my therapist, and a wonderful one). The other two, sadly, are blood relatives. The moment that it happened was a strange one for me. I thought to myself, ‘maybe it’s just the alcohol, she didn’t really mean to’. But no matter what I told myself, I knew at that point I couldn’t trust her, and it was also the first time I recognized she might have an alcohol problem. When I was 19 years old, she died of liver cirrhosis.
Paul – first, it takes a lot of courage to share it. Men and women can do some very inappropriate and harmful thing when they are drunk. The most important thing is that you have this therapist who can help you. It is most important that she believe you – asking for family members to believe you when admitting something like this can be very hard and it makes sense that their first response would be denial. A therapist can help you work through all of the confusing feelings and then help you so that the event does not have such power over you. Make sure you look for support from those who can give it to you. Thanks again for your honesty and vulnerability
Hey Dan,
Thanks for using my photo for your article.