Abuse survivor Rob Brown reports what life is like from deep inside his recovery.
At 51, “recovery” doesn’t seem a fitting term, nor does it pass the laugh-test regarding where I am and what I’m doing.
In January of 2007, nothing seemed more important than facing my childhood without the haze of denial and its associated tools. Some say “you are finally ‘dealing with it…finally facing it head-on.’” That’s not true at all. I have always been dealing with childhood sexual, physical and mental trauma. Always!
At any time following any incident of abuse, I had to walk with that fresh, new scar and all of its older brothers in order to live. The morning following a night of someone partying on my skin created an instant hangover (for ME to endure). That day, and every following day, I had to position, compartmentalize, drug-away and act-away the results of abuse.
“Finally coming to terms with what happened in childhood,” is a near-ridiculous phrase. Those early days of disclosure in January, 2007 were simply a continuation of post-abuse attention to the damage. The only difference was at that from then-on, I was no longer doing it in secret. No, this time, seven-years of abuse found a voice, an unwilling audience and an entire cascade of new-found harsh results.
This new mode of dealing with my personal baggage while seeking new life-paths yields questionable benefits (if any). It’s a seemingly doomed method. Society, spouses, family & friends, the divorce courts, clergy, etc., are in no way ready to deal with a messed-up middle-aged guy with a past like mine. And the quicker I find that door out of their comfortable norms, the better.
Six-years after opening my mouth and letting the news flow, I can securely state that my only reward is not being dead yet. Loss of marriage, fortune and a cherished Olympic-grade relationship with my dearest children has proven that not all surrenders end with a ticket to shining freedom.
I’m now left with an insurmountable task of cleaning-up a toxic train-wreck of a new life, completely on my own. 51 years old and tired is no way to tackle a potentially deadly set of problems.
It seems now that though the Sandusky trial served to brief the public on the nature on child sexual abuse, it did little to alter the freakdom that the scars create. Giving society a glossary-of-terms, does little to aid in their understanding of the results.
I’m sick and tired of attempted rebuilds of my life. I’m not used to any sort of failures, nor do I accept them, but the results of each rebuild iteration now follow a trend. Its time to stop expecting new results from a strong trend. Hey! Its time to stop “expecting” all together.
Its time to face the train-wreck and the realities caused by a warped childhood.
Please visit malesurvivor.org or RAINN for more resources on recovering from sexual abuse.
Photo courtesy of Jerry Sharp / Shutterstock.com
I am 43 and like the author of this article, I have lost everything I have ever worked for in 7 months time. Job, family, pets, cars, money…. I am an adult survivor / victim, I had a nervous breakdown in August and O have Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. I am so FUBAR that I don’t see any future happiness for myself. I have Loved my wife very much and I have hurt her equally the same. So, I don’t think there is any recovering and slaying of demons left in me. My time is limited now… Read more »
Shawn, I’m very sorry to hear/read any of this from another man or woman. I have come to realize that there is no cure, no recovery and no life without the horrors and damage already done. In many cases, like yours and mine, “recovery” seems to require a denial with complete amnesia of our childhood. THAT will never happen. One fellow survivor on malesurvivor.org recently compared our recovery prospects to “recovering from mental retardation” — Meaning, we simply don’t. We don’t recover from it. There IS no healing to be found and the more we seek what does not exist,… Read more »
W.R.R. – I am so sorry you were betrayed by both parents. No-one deserves that kind of childhood. I hope you are finding help and support. I know it’s just words on a page on the Internet but I’m sending you some good energy. Don’t ever give up hope. Thanks for your reply. It helps to know there are others out there. Be well.
My best to everyone who replied or read Robert’s post and could relate.
Robert, thank you for this article. You inspire me to try harder to work on my recovery. Surviving: Your comments help a lot. Incest is often ignored as the public scrutinizes coaches, teachers, and clergy. My abuse involved both of my parents. It is a devastation that colors everything in my present life. MediaHound, your puzzle pieces analogy is how trying to heal and recover in the midst of demands of present life feels like to me everyday. So hard to describe, but that describes it perfectly. And this statement of yours: “I like my survivors whole – they are the… Read more »
I’m grateful for your article and the accompanying comments. Surviving is work, exhausting work that sometimes feels crushing. Rob, you are not alone and it does get better. I can say that most days my abuse and the affects are no longer in the foreground. Don’t give up hope. That said, I’m still terrified of my abuser, my own father, and he has yet to suffer any repercussions for his actions. I cut off all contact with him almost fifteen years ago and yet I’m still vilified by the rest of my family who aren’t interested in why I won’t… Read more »
Thank you for your article. Abuse is tough to deal with. I discovered it in my family and revealed it. At different levels I experienced it also. The abuse stopped. Yet for the survivor, it never was enough and they continue to suffer and now I understand that maintaining more than an arms length from their family seems tto be the only way for this person to survive. Yet it hurts as a sibling who took the risk to expose something so ugly and be accused of minimizing things. The abuse ended and the anger continues after many years. I… Read more »
Alice – I’m sorry your sibling feels the need to be distant. But as a survivor I can understand. Sometimes the anger and feeling of betrayal is hard or impossible to overcome. It depends on your sibling, where they are in their healing process and the way the rest of the family is handling it. Kudos to you for stepping in. Most people don’t. I hope your relationship with your sibling heals. Best of luck to you.
MediaHound, I’ll never be able to thank you enough for your reply. You have greater insight into my caldron of crap than anyone. I don’t want to ask how or why. I am just SO grateful that someone actually gets it. You’ve touched on SO many key points of my post-abuse life, it fully amazes me. I’m floored. It was actually exhausting to tour the attributes of my life with you as tour-guide. I do not know of Survivo™, but I have been dealt a death-blow from Celebrate Recovery™. They call for all the injured, hurt, addicted and “hung-up” to… Read more »
Oh I forgot “Celebrate Recovery™”.
Forgive me for that error! I must have blanked it! … oh no It’s coming back! Shit – I may need an industrial snow blower! P^)
So as you point-out, I feel burdened to educate others. But I’m forced into such teaching attempts only to keep the ignorant from burning me, other adult men and boys stuck in the same situation. We are all surrounded by categorical ignorance.
Aint that the truth! So many Screaming the Truth Quietly!
Rob, I like real whole people – just as they are! You are a whole and wholesome guy who has had to deal with the Unwholesome and even Unholy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, or minimise the strength you have had to come this far. You’re a Giant, and that is no fairytale. I have to praise you for writing with such candour. Some will be horrified by your sentiments and the despair that comes through. They can be horrified, but it just shows they are not up to dealing with Survivor Reality. People just don’t like the personal… Read more »
“Society, spouses, family and friends, the divorce courts, clergy, etc., are in no way ready to deal with a messed-up middle-aged guy with a past like mine….” Powerful stuff! Thank you for having the courage to say that truth! No one, it seems, wants to hear such horror stories….no one wants to hear that inner child crying….or to give comfort to someone who is vulnerable and hurting…everyone is just too busy minding their own business…. How terrible it is to have lost so much….I have lost a job but I can’t even imagine losing my family….how unbearable! Thank you for… Read more »