Abuse survivor Rob Brown reports what life is like from deep inside his recovery.
At 51, “recovery” doesn’t seem a fitting term, nor does it pass the laugh-test regarding where I am and what I’m doing.
In January of 2007, nothing seemed more important than facing my childhood without the haze of denial and its associated tools. Some say “you are finally ‘dealing with it…finally facing it head-on.’” That’s not true at all. I have always been dealing with childhood sexual, physical and mental trauma. Always!
At any time following any incident of abuse, I had to walk with that fresh, new scar and all of its older brothers in order to live. The morning following a night of someone partying on my skin created an instant hangover (for ME to endure). That day, and every following day, I had to position, compartmentalize, drug-away and act-away the results of abuse.
“Finally coming to terms with what happened in childhood,” is a near-ridiculous phrase. Those early days of disclosure in January, 2007 were simply a continuation of post-abuse attention to the damage. The only difference was at that from then-on, I was no longer doing it in secret. No, this time, seven-years of abuse found a voice, an unwilling audience and an entire cascade of new-found harsh results.
This new mode of dealing with my personal baggage while seeking new life-paths yields questionable benefits (if any). It’s a seemingly doomed method. Society, spouses, family & friends, the divorce courts, clergy, etc., are in no way ready to deal with a messed-up middle-aged guy with a past like mine. And the quicker I find that door out of their comfortable norms, the better.
Six-years after opening my mouth and letting the news flow, I can securely state that my only reward is not being dead yet. Loss of marriage, fortune and a cherished Olympic-grade relationship with my dearest children has proven that not all surrenders end with a ticket to shining freedom.
I’m now left with an insurmountable task of cleaning-up a toxic train-wreck of a new life, completely on my own. 51 years old and tired is no way to tackle a potentially deadly set of problems.
It seems now that though the Sandusky trial served to brief the public on the nature on child sexual abuse, it did little to alter the freakdom that the scars create. Giving society a glossary-of-terms, does little to aid in their understanding of the results.
I’m sick and tired of attempted rebuilds of my life. I’m not used to any sort of failures, nor do I accept them, but the results of each rebuild iteration now follow a trend. Its time to stop expecting new results from a strong trend. Hey! Its time to stop “expecting” all together.
Its time to face the train-wreck and the realities caused by a warped childhood.
Please visit malesurvivor.org or RAINN for more resources on recovering from sexual abuse.
Photo courtesy of Jerry Sharp / Shutterstock.com
About Robert Brown
“Society, spouses, family and friends, the divorce courts, clergy, etc., are in no way ready to deal with a messed-up middle-aged guy with a past like mine….”
Powerful stuff! Thank you for having the courage to say that truth! No one, it seems, wants to hear such horror stories….no one wants to hear that inner child crying….or to give comfort to someone who is vulnerable and hurting…everyone is just too busy minding their own business….
How terrible it is to have lost so much….I have lost a job but I can’t even imagine losing my family….how unbearable! Thank you for writing this….How do survivors move on when they feel so broken inside?
Rob, I like real whole people – just as they are! You are a whole and wholesome guy who has had to deal with the Unwholesome and even Unholy. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, or minimise the strength you have had to come this far. You’re a Giant, and that is no fairytale.
I have to praise you for writing with such candour. Some will be horrified by your sentiments and the despair that comes through. They can be horrified, but it just shows they are not up to dealing with Survivor Reality. People just don’t like the personal being displayed over the Public. They prefer – I’m Surviving – It does get better – pop psychology industry of abuse survival works.
There is no one size fits all band aide for abuse survival. If there was there wouldn’t be so much heartache and psychological damage abounding. It would be a quick visit to emergency room – a shot and Hey Presto, Abuse over – you have a totally new and amazing life thanks to the efficacy of Branded Survivo™! Too many people have been watching Oprah and buying the Snake Oil!
I was dealing with a certain Evangelical Survivor Expert who loved to answer questions. They had made quite a name for themselves with their brand of Survivo™, sitting smiling and giving all the answers people “Wanted” to hear on their European Marketing Tour. I’m impertinent and asked questions he didn’t like. What is the % Success Rate with your methodology? What are the factors/identifiers in failure rate, so that people likely to fail can be identified early and taken out of any program so as to not be re-traumatised by failure? You claim your work is based on 20 years of working with Survivors – so which has been the biggest lesson you have had to learn in dealing with such people in not causing more damage?
I was struck by how he turned the questions around so fast – he didn’t answer them as to how his Survivo™ didn’t work for everyone – he actually started to talk about how some people didn’t want to heal – recover – move past their issues – he made it all their fault for his expertise failing! Talk about Marketing and Brand Name Protection. The worst comment was that people who failed to succeed had “chosen” to be victims and to be victimised and did not wish to recover – and they were “invited” to leave rather than endanger other people’s recovery.
He was a little shocked when I stood up, ripped his to shreds very publicly and made clear that he was the abuser – his ideas abusive – and anyone who thought his ideas and Patented Survivo™ had value were equally dangerous. He was upset when he wasn’t allowed to peddle any more and had to leave the stage. He had a warped idea that all Survivors were the same, had suffered the same abuse – that all survivors were equal and fitted a one size fits all idea that he was pedalling and attempting to Franchise His Version of Survivo™ Globally. Yuck!
Afterwards I was asked if I thought my Outburst( ? LOL ) was appropriate. Hell, Yes! I critiqued all of what I had read, seen and witnessed around this supposed expert, and showed just how Controlling, Manipulative and Cunning the whole lot was – Abusers define reality and control it, and that was exactly what this supposed expert was peddling under the guise of Survivo™ – Buy my reality or be cast out and made to fail to prove me right! Where people didn’t fit or conform, they were the problem and marginalised and derided ( another abuser technique ) – those who were damaged or failed were not the responsibility of the expert, they made the choice to fail, to be abused again – to be cast out and not beloved. You Don’t deal with abuse by Abuse. Survivo™ pedallers make me sick!
From where I’m sitting, you’re doing fine. I have a rule of thumb which some folks find helpful others hate it. For every year you have been abused and held it in, it is at least 1 month of recovery …. that is At Least …. at the VERY LEAST …. It’s an absolute Bare Minimum – it’s not an exact measure. People like glib and exact measures. It’s odd but when you ask them how to measure the effects of abuse they lack the ability to give glib answers ( well some do – there are always the foolish experts peddling Survivo™).
So your were 45/46 when the pressure and super human act of holding it all in became too much for any single human to carry. Hell you’re only 60 or so months on from the collapse of reality, time, space and the Universe. Even Einstein would have issues with getting to grips with that one!
According to Einstein no-one can escape from a Black Hole, But abuse survivors prove him wrong daily, with the extra special theory of relativity that defies all known understanding of the Universe. I have to wonder when someone will get a noble prize for the Un-reality that so many have discovered.
There is no “”Beam me up, Scotty” – NO Star Ship Enterprise – or “Deus Ex Machina” that can get people out from under the collapse of the reality of abuse! You just have to defy the Universe and all supposed rules of nature, whilst so many tell you just how you are getting it ALL so wrong! Don’t you just love experts and the worst ones with their self help Survivo™ guides from Amazon?
I wonder how many people you had to become to carry that load over 45/6 years? I’ve seen so many people who have lived Ten Lives or more in the fight to carry that burden – They were a Husband – a father – a son – a brother – an employee – a friend – different friends to different people – even different husbands and fathers to different families – different brothers to different siblings …. and there was also a single person who was a survivor helping to hold all of those other people up in the air. Super Human Efforts and not even recognised. it was more than any single human could ever lift and carry. There you are – 45 years of age – you have had to live ten lives at least to survive as far as you have – and that means 450 years of survival!
No wonder so many abuse survivors feel like Methuselah.
So you have 45 months (at least – as a bare minimum) for achieving even a semblance of recovery – and that can be 45+ months for each life you have lived in the fight to survive. Thankfully, people who have had to have many lives to survive have a host of Internal friends who can help carry the Burden of Survival and Recovery. Yup it’s a Burden and will remain one until the supposed experts get the message and make sure that it is as far as possible prevented in the first place. Again there is no “Deus Ex Machina” no wonder shot of Survivo™ than can change reality.
The trick is allowing all those different people you are, with different strengths, to bring their expertise to bear on the one issue. A bigger trick is to realise that all those lived lives supported and carried by the survivor have little to no expertise in who and what a survivor is. They all need to be re-educated into who they really are, and just how they have been too much to carry for any single human being. That takes time, and it’s different for every person.
One big issue is others around you demanding they want a certain person back and only that person. Sorry – but that is not longer possible, and people making those demands – employers – friends – family members – they need to be re-educated too. It’s hard enough dealing with the Train Wreck, but having to run a school room at the same time and re-educate so many into reality… hell, how much is a single person supposed to do on their own?
But then again – Abuse survivors have had to become experts is doing it all on their own, and living that expert life and even the expert lie. I always recommend handing out grades for people who demand they want the lie back. I give them an F and then show them the dictionary where they can find out how to make the F fit and make lie spell life!
The collapse of reality is never about not being able to carry reality. Reality weighs far less than the burden of the lie. Abuse is built upon lies and that is why the burden is so heavy – you are made to carry the Abusers lies for them, even long after the abuser is dead. Of course what makes it even worse is how so many around the abuser even encouraged you to carry the lies – the abusers warped reality – they made you spell Life whilst robbing you of the F – abusers love that 25 letter alphabet. Abuse is reality presented to everyone who just can’t understand why you can’t spell it out and have a life!
Abuse survival is about self help – and there you hit yet another Road Black where people think and apply the AA Model – one drink is too many, and a million not enough. They think that if you just avoid thinking about the abuse you will be miraculously cured – more Survivo™. They have no idea of PTSD, how re-experiencing works how it can’t be avoided – is unbidden and unpredictable. It just is.
They think that PTSD is instant. They talk Triggers and think guns and bullets. The reality is more Volcano and rumbling with Catastrophic explosions, and all too often the explosion is long after the first tremor was detected and people started moving out of the way. They miss the connections and focus only on the explosion.
It’s like a snowflake falling on a mountain top and starting to build pressure that results in an avalanche 6 months later. Even worse, it’s not just one mountain you live, it’s the whole F’ing Himalayas every day. Abuse Survivors get used to digging themselves out of the avalanches – and they do it daily, but so many only see the devastation when it hits their village, impinges on their lives – and then they scream blue murder about how it’s all affecting them. Abuse Survival is a lonely life – and with PTSD on top it can become a hermits existence, snow shovel in hand, digging out daily – even many times each day. The Multiple Unbidden Avalanches of daily life.
Given that so many abuse survivors live with complex PTSD – multi factorial trauma – It’s not one Traumatic event but many all mixed up together – It just makes it worse. I explain to people it’s like dealing with 1000 Jigsaw puzzles of 1000 pieces each, all mixed up together. You pull a piece out of the pile and just can’t figure which image it’s part of … and you keep going, looking for edges and corners fighting to sort out all those mixed up images, and if you are real lucky you find two pieces that fit together and give you Two pieces in just one 1000 piece puzzle … and your still left with 999,998 pieces and 999 other realities to deal with – to sift through to find just one more piece that fits with the two you have in your hand. Now try doing that in a Hurricane, Earthquake and Tsunami all happing at once – and you are also living the life of Husband, Father, Worker, Friend …. and the PTA also wants you to organise an event in 48 hours … and the Grass needs mowing too!
It’s not much to deal with – or so they think!
So many have also bought into the media presentation of Flash Back – a few seconds of gruesome images on a screen. If only it was that simple and easy. The movies miss out re-experiencing, and that is not just visual – it is also the emotions, the physical sensations, the sounds, the smells the tastes and even the thinking from the event…. and it all gets mixed up and jumbled and never comes back as an easy to understand thing. Take Multiple events all jumbled up together – you see one event – hear another – taste something different … and you end up reliving, re-experiencing many things at the same time … and everyone around you just wants the Simple Explanation, The Bullet Points – the Easy Read Version.
I spend so much time wondering how the hell so many Abuse Survivors manage to stand, let alone do anything else. Every day, I am amazed and awed by the lives of Abuse Survivors. So many people just have no grasp of the realities they live with and the amazing lives that they live against odds that are incalculable – defying black holes, reality, hurricanes, earthquakes and tsunamis and a touch of PTSD to even sit and say “This Is me!” – Snow Shovel in hand, ready for the next avalanche.
It’s amazing to sit and talk with a person as they quietly and clearly talk about so many natural disasters happening around them, and they don’t flinch as an Avalanche sweeps them away! They just take a moment, dig themselves out and carry on! .. and that is a good day.
I think you are doing fine, and you are in exactly the right place you need to be – it may not be a nice place, a place you want to be, a place you have chosen – but it’s the right place as you have no other place to be. The problem is that there are just so many people out there who have taken the Media Kool Aide of Branded Survivo™. It just helps them sleep at night and not have to deal with the reality – that is other people’s reality – Survivor Reality. Snake Oil is like that. When the whole town is praising the efficacy of Snake Oil, It’s a lonely place saying It has not worked for you – in fact it’s Crap!
Your train wreck analogy has some value – other people get it “their” way – they sense emergency and they have images of Firemen, Paramedics and Experts getting into the mangled wreck to get people out – It’s so ER and Cross Clamping – You can hear people people screaming CBC and Chem 7… and then they quietly ask What the F is a CBC? They have learned to act and not to be – Amateur Actors all, following a script!
The problem is that in that train wreck there are often many versions of the same survivor who all need to be rescued at the same time, and all too often it’s only the supposedly most critical or supposedly valued who get the emergency attention. That just results in a host of Survivor Amputees – missing bits and being told to be grateful they were rescued at all! The Survivor Rescuers can be some of the most damaging to encounter. It’s your wreck – you are in charge – you make sure that all survivors count and no one is left behind. If that train Wreck is in the way of other trains and some call for the tracks to be cleared – Ignore them. Delayed trains are a commuter issue – survival of all trumps it every time!
I get the impression that you are not accepting that form of Branded Survivo™ – the amputee version! Good for you!
As you said “Its time to face the train-wreck and the realities caused by a warped childhood.”. It’s a time we all have to come to. But remember, It’s your wreck, you didn’t choose it, but you are the expert in how it came to exist and where all the survivors are. Be careful of anyone peddling Survivo™ Snake Oil – and anyone who wants to take only a few of your survivors out of the wreck, whilst leaving other parts of you to remain trapped and ignored.
I like my survivors whole – they are the most amazing, fascinating and inspiring people I have ever met. The biggest problem is that so many people are both blind to abuse and blind to survival. They keep missing the Giants who walk in their midst – quietly screaming the truth that so many just can’t bear to hear and treading so softly out of compassion for others who just couldn’t handle the Earthquakes.
MediaHound,
I’ll never be able to thank you enough for your reply. You have greater insight into my caldron of crap than anyone. I don’t want to ask how or why. I am just SO grateful that someone actually gets it.
You’ve touched on SO many key points of my post-abuse life, it fully amazes me. I’m floored. It was actually exhausting to tour the attributes of my life with you as tour-guide.
I do not know of Survivo™, but I have been dealt a death-blow from Celebrate Recovery™. They call for all the injured, hurt, addicted and “hung-up” to come-forth and find healing…except for males with childhood sexual abuse history.
Not only was I shown the door, but vilified for claiming to be “saved” and still struggling inside. “We aren’t prepared to deal with sexual deviance issues here…not where men are involved as the victim.” “I’ll just leave then…” “Oh…would you? That would be great, awesome…hey, let us know how things turn-out for you. That door is a “push-door” to get out. Buh-bye!”
I’ve been told by the ignorant to pray to avoid such evil thoughts; to ask for forgiveness for engaging in homosexuality. I never knew being raped at seven was “engaging” in anything other than screaming to die.
Apparently the car accident victim in the wheelchair didn’t quite get “saved” either. My mother was bound to a wheelchair my entire life. She was actually accused of being weak in faith, or she would be the victor over the polio virus.
I’ve even had professional therapists fully “not get it.” Parents, relatives, friends, business people, even major network producers “don’t get it.”
So as you point-out, I feel burdened to educate others. But I’m forced into such teaching attempts only to keep the ignorant from burning me, other adult men and boys stuck in the same situation. We are all surrounded by categorical ignorance.
I have to leave it with the realization that I too am ignorant about plenty of things, and that all people have the right to not learn what I wish they would learn. People have the right to hate, to fear and to hurt. I just wish my “limit-meter” was a bit more visible to them.
Oh I forgot “Celebrate Recovery™”.
Forgive me for that error! I must have blanked it! … oh no It’s coming back! Shit – I may need an industrial snow blower! P^)
So as you point-out, I feel burdened to educate others. But I’m forced into such teaching attempts only to keep the ignorant from burning me, other adult men and boys stuck in the same situation. We are all surrounded by categorical ignorance.
Aint that the truth! So many Screaming the Truth Quietly!
Thank you for your article. Abuse is tough to deal with. I discovered it in my family and revealed it. At different levels I experienced it also. The abuse stopped. Yet for the survivor, it never was enough and they continue to suffer and now I understand that maintaining more than an arms length from their family seems tto be the only way for this person to survive. Yet it hurts as a sibling who took the risk to expose something so ugly and be accused of minimizing things. The abuse ended and the anger continues after many years. I am sorry for the pain, and did what I could to protect this person and myself. It appears not to have been enough for that person. Life is beautiful, and a train wreck is yes, a train wreck…. and yet there are some survivors. I am so sorry for the pain unresolved. Peace.
Alice – I’m sorry your sibling feels the need to be distant. But as a survivor I can understand. Sometimes the anger and feeling of betrayal is hard or impossible to overcome. It depends on your sibling, where they are in their healing process and the way the rest of the family is handling it. Kudos to you for stepping in. Most people don’t. I hope your relationship with your sibling heals. Best of luck to you.
I’m grateful for your article and the accompanying comments. Surviving is work, exhausting work that sometimes feels crushing. Rob, you are not alone and it does get better. I can say that most days my abuse and the affects are no longer in the foreground. Don’t give up hope.
That said, I’m still terrified of my abuser, my own father, and he has yet to suffer any repercussions for his actions. I cut off all contact with him almost fifteen years ago and yet I’m still vilified by the rest of my family who aren’t interested in why I won’t speak to him and yet furious with me for taking care of myself. With no support from my blood family I’ve made a family of my own. I spent years and a college tuition’s worth of money on therapy. I’ve worked so, so hard to rebuild my sense of self as someone worthy of love and respect. Most days I feel it. It took me about ten years to get there and stay there on a regular basis.
But when a story comes up like the Sandusky horrors, it all comes roaring back. The insomnia, fear, anxiety, shame, exhaution, and most of all the anger that so many refuse to hear. Even with sex abuse being all over the news thanks to Penn State, the stories and statistics about incest are ignored or glossed over. The next step in accepting how sick our culture is and how many children don’t need to be protected from a coach or teacher but instead from Dad, Uncle, Grand-dad, cousin or in some cases a female relative. This discussion needs to happen. But it isn’t. The media and many people at large are not ready. And until then we can’t heal as a culture or protect our children. To be abused by a family member, particularly a patent is a betrayal beyond what most people can imagine. Healing from it is like trying to swim up frrom the deepest depths of the ocean. We need to help each other and all the others still silent. We are not alone.
Robert, thank you for this article. You inspire me to try harder to work on my recovery.
Surviving: Your comments help a lot. Incest is often ignored as the public scrutinizes coaches, teachers, and clergy. My abuse involved both of my parents. It is a devastation that colors everything in my present life.
MediaHound, your puzzle pieces analogy is how trying to heal and recover in the midst of demands of present life feels like to me everyday. So hard to describe, but that describes it perfectly. And this statement of yours:
“I like my survivors whole – they are the most amazing, fascinating and inspiring people I have ever met. The biggest problem is that so many people are both blind to abuse and blind to survival. They keep missing the Giants who walk in their midst – quietly screaming the truth that so many just can’t bear to hear and treading so softly out of compassion for others who just couldn’t handle the Earthquakes.”
That gives me hope and makes me feel like I’m worth something and my struggle isn’t pointless. Thank you.
W.R.R. – I am so sorry you were betrayed by both parents. No-one deserves that kind of childhood. I hope you are finding help and support. I know it’s just words on a page on the Internet but I’m sending you some good energy. Don’t ever give up hope. Thanks for your reply. It helps to know there are others out there. Be well.
My best to everyone who replied or read Robert’s post and could relate.
I am 43 and like the author of this article, I have lost everything I have ever worked for in 7 months time. Job, family, pets, cars, money….
I am an adult survivor / victim, I had a nervous breakdown in August and O have Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, OCD, and PTSD.
I am so FUBAR that I don’t see any future happiness for myself. I have Loved my wife very much and I have hurt her equally the same.
So, I don’t think there is any recovering and slaying of demons left in me.
My time is limited now on this earth andI am looking forward to death.
Shawn,
I’m very sorry to hear/read any of this from another man or woman. I have come to realize that there is no cure, no recovery and no life without the horrors and damage already done.
In many cases, like yours and mine, “recovery” seems to require a denial with complete amnesia of our childhood. THAT will never happen.
One fellow survivor on malesurvivor.org recently compared our recovery prospects to “recovering from mental retardation” — Meaning, we simply don’t. We don’t recover from it. There IS no healing to be found and the more we seek what does not exist, the more time and pain we waste.
So I look at what treatment for the mentally handicapped. What to they and their caregivers seek? What do they expect will ever happen for the now-adult victim of genetic defect?
It seems that they seek functionality; An ability to walk the earth and live among others with scaring them, getting in their way, breaking stuff, or ruining their day with their presence. Some even get to produce – something – for society, the economy or less.
Public life was fine for me and many of us when we wore a young mask, acted masterfully, self medicated and never made the mistake of disclosure. But now, the toothpaste is completely out of the tube, and we have been washed down the drain.
All we have left is to learn to walk the earth and not get in the way too many times. Is there joy in our future? Will we dance in the frivolity we could not afford as children? I genuinely doubt it.
People don’t like when I speak or write in this tone, but I refuse to lie about child sex abuse and I don’t think its at all kind to mislead any survivor.