What keeps men from sharing their feelings—until it’s too late? Psychotherapist Stephanie Morgan explores the Boy Code through Rick Belden’s poetry.
This was previously published at Stephanie P. Morgan, MFT.
Many men come to therapy when they are at rock bottom, completely out of options, desperate for something to change. I notice that my female clients are more likely to get help before everything completely implodes—why is that?
I think the short answer is shame. Men and boys have been systematically shamed over their lifetimes for showing basic human emotions such as: sadness, fear, longing, disappointment or even excitement over the “wrong” things. From a young age, boys get the message either overtly or covertly that showing emotional vulnerability isn’t only unacceptable it’s down right dangerous.
How does this happen? I think it happens with the best intentions, which is why it has been such a persistent and pervasive problem. Not only are loving parents worried about making their boys too “dependent” or “soft”, coaches, teachers and other well-meaning mentors unwittingly reinforce these ideas that expressing emotions (other than anger) is weak. Boys learn quickly that they need to “Shake it off” or “Get it under control” otherwise risk crushing criticism and rejection by peers and beloved adults alike. Even therapists can miss the mark, using a more “problem solving” approach with men rather than the “emotional inquiry” the might use with female clients.
What options are men left with but to try to disconnect from strong feelings and live behind the safety of a “mask”? The mask may be one of toughness, grandiosity, or invisibility. Of course, the larger culture is all too eager to reinforce these stereotypes for men as well starting with invincible, needless superheros, moving on to every flavor of violent sociopath (any mobster flick) or narcissistic jerk (think Don Draper in Mad Men), and multiple emotionally clueless “dumb husband” characters (i.e. Homer Simpson).
The messages are clear:
1.) Your needs don’t count so get rid of them.
2.) Anger is the only acceptably “masculine” feeling and violence is an acceptable form of self-expression.
3.) Women think you’re an idiot because you don’t know how to talk about your feelings (even though we contribute to shaming you as much as the men in your life)
Men are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Tough crowd.
Rick Belden’s poem, “Little Iron Man” speaks to the “mask” that many men are forced to create and wear (often for a lifetime) as they conform to the demands of the Boy Code.
My hope is that more men will begin realize that the mask isn’t needed anymore. As a child, you had no power and no choice. You did what you needed to do to be loved and accepted. As an adult, you choose who you want to be and how you want to live.
little iron man
angry eyes burn behind cold metal mask
muscles tensed for fight in flight
repulsor rays boot jets armor
he is iron man.
all-powerful controller master of his fate
vengeful righteous realist almighty godlike hero
protector judge destroyer martyr
invincible impervious inhuman.
mechanical masculinity lover of the machine
better safe than sorry greedy me-first hoarder
dark doomy death dealer
self-satisfying soul stealer
childhood’s chosen champion.
his armor
once glistening once wonderful
now binds and holds in place
battle-scarred time-tarnished too small
pitted scorched outdated in the way
barrier to growth and love and life.
I tried to forget him
but he came to me in dreams
I tried to kill him
but he was stronger than I am
I tried to banish him
but he wouldn’t leave me
so I pulled off his grim metal mask.
a child’s face my face revealed at last
frustrated frightened familiar hopeful
little boy with wounded heart
scared of the body he can’t control
afraid to come outside it hurts to be with people
a quarter century in an armor shell
waiting for mommy and daddy to make it right.
Excerpted from Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood by Rick Belden. Copyright © 1990, 2008 by Rick Belden. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.
Image of couple having a discussion courtesy of Shutterstock
About Rick Belden and Stephanie Morgan
I tried to run from or kill that man when he came in my dreams, too. It took a long time for me to learn to befriend him and invite him into my life. But I could never do this so long as shame kept me trying to cover all my bases – i.e., be sensitive yet assertive, spiritual yet earthy grounded, artistic yet practical, etc. Not that there’s anything wrong with such qualities, per se, or even the embracing of seemingly contradictory ones, but just the simple fact that I was convinced I had to erect such a persona kept me separated from my real being. Since then I’ve come to see that this is a core quest for many men. I appreciate your treatment of it here via prose and poetry: It’s a powerful collaboration.
Thank you, Seth. I also believe that “core quest”, as you aptly termed it, applies to many men. I think, as well, that a lot of men turn away from its call, much to their long-term detriment, for all kinds of reasons.
In my case, I was unable to ignore that call. It simply wouldn’t let me be. Here’s how I described that experience, and the origins of the poem Stephanie included in the post above, in an interview with Dr. Chris Blazina on his show “The Secret Lives of Men” a couple of years ago:
“I started just dreaming prolifically. That was unexpected, and what was even more unexpected was that I had recurring dreams involving the Iron Man character that I liked so much as a child. So that really called my attention to it, and it actually went beyond calling my attention to it, it became, it started to feel like sort of a demand. Like, I need to pay attention to this.
“So in addition to working with the dreams, I actually found myself drawn to go out and find the old comic books I had when I was a kid. I tried to find some action figures. I did a lot of artwork, a lot of collages on my own. I worked with that image and that mythology and that character in every way that I could. And I finally reached a point where I was extremely frustrated with it, and I just felt, ‘Where is the end of this? Am I just going off the deep end here or what?’ …
“This poem is about the situation I just described, where I’d made collages, I’d gone and bought the comic books, I’d spent all the time with this stuff, I’d played with action figures, and I just reached a point where I was at the end of my rope, and I really decided, ‘I’ve had enough of this!’ And I actually tried to destroy some of the action figures and destroy some of the artwork I’d done, and in the process of doing that, I found that I wasn’t actually able to do it, and as a result of that, I had the breakthrough that I describe in the poem here.”
I may have felt like I was “going off the deep end” as I put it, but I was really coming back to myself in ways I never could’ve anticipated. I know now that I had to return to and relive some of the activities and fantasies of my boyhood in order to be the man I was meant to be.
I think it comes down to human nature, all those people who think you’re an idiot because you don’t know how to talk about your feelings? they are the same people that will attack you if things get bad, and they will attack you in places that hurt most, because you showed them where those places are, you showed them your weakness, and its only a matter of time until they use that weakness against you.
That why we learn to keep our words to ourselves, no matter how much it hurts, keeping everything inside can make us less than human sometimes, but is much better than being betrayed again and again.
Excellent article and great poem. It is so important for people to realize the barrage of shame that men face. Women tend to overlook this since they, um, are not men and don’t face the same barrage. I do have a quibble with the article which said “As an adult, you choose who you want to be and how you want to live.” I think it is very important to note that men continue to face this barrage as adults and breaking free from it is not a simple act and certainly not a simple choice. The powers that are holding men into an “independent at all costs” stance are multi-causal and ever-present. Men deserve choice, but they first need to raise their awareness of the powers that are driving them into the mask.
I think it is also worth noting that trying to force men into a feminine “emotional inquiry” mode is often disrespectful of their nature and their unique skills in processing their emotions. Better for the therapist to learn more about men’s unique paths than to try and smash them into today’s feminine friendly theory about sharing emotions openly.
Great stuff here. This is powerful truth that needs to be aired out. Shame is one of the most pervasive evils that suppresses men from fully integrating their feelings and thoughts. As you pointed out, it leaves us detached and lost inside. So many relationships could be saved if we would get out of this crappy mode of thinking that shame is the path to fixing us. It only brings out proper behavior without doing the proper inner healing that we so desperately need.
Great comments so far. Thanks to all who felt moved to share your thoughts. Tgolden, I totally agree that forcing and smashing men into an emotional inquiry is a bad idea. As a therapist, Its not my intention force or smash anyone into anything. I do however, inquire about my clients emotional states because I think the question is important, even if it has to remain unanswered for a time. Maybe I err in in the other direction, while I recognize, validate and respect that men often have ways of expressing themselves that are different from women – I don’t want to collude with the idea that me aren’t capable of emotional exploration by not asking the question. That said, I think your points are well taken. As a therapist, I am reminded daily about how each person needs something a little different – theory is no substitute for attunement and relationship.
As a mother to a 4 year old boy, I have given more attention to the ideas in the article than ever before. I have responded at times to some of his emotional “outbursts” in a way that tells him that expressing himself is not okay. I am getting better at catching myself and am trying to teach him words for the emotions he feels so we can talk about them. Our culture has given boys such a small box in which to live, doing harm to boys and those they share their lives with.
James said, “So many relationships could be saved if we would get out of this crappy mode of thinking that shame is the path to fixing us.”
So true! Thanks for your comments James, I think this sentiment cuts to the heart of problem. Shame is a distancer, a relationship killer, a personal prison. Not only are men suffering, but the children they can’t be as close to, the wives/girlfriends/partners that feel alone in the relationship, the family that feels shut out – they pay the price of shame as well.
Deb, thanks for a mothers point of view. I think so many mom’s, with the very best intentions of making sons independent and self-sufficient, push their boys away emotionally. They “cut the apron strings”, leaving their young sons feeling bereft and alone with overwhelming feeling states. I admire your growing self-awareness, willingness to step outside the box and give your son the tools he needs for satisfying future relationships.
I think it’s important to note that the shame we are discussing is not some bully that can be convicted and dissected from the culture. No, the shame we are talking about is an integral part of our culture and at present we have no way to stop it. This shame is what has been used for millennia to confirm the disposability of males. It is the active ingredient in carving men into what the culture “needs” them to be, basically, provide and protect machines that will sacrifice their lives for others without blinking. Every successful culture has found a way to make its men disposable. This is one of our ways.
There is still a puritanical aspect to American culture that considers some thoughts and feelings to be inherently shameful. Get rid of those terrible, sinful feelings inside you quick, before the Devil catches hold of you, before anyone notices. Then, on top of that, the very act of sharing feelings at all is considered an overt act, and it’s an act that is often criticized. The very act of sharing feelings is often considered shameful for men to do, because it is frequently defined as whining. If you’re spending time sharing your feelings, then you are taking time from whatever job you’re supposed to be doing.
My impression is that women more than men tend to see talking about feelings as an action, and in this part of relationships men are held more accountable for the way they express their feelings than women are. If I as a man tell a woman how I am feeling, the truth of what I’m saying often means less to her than the effect of hearing what I say. It becomes not so much about my feelings but more about what I have now done to her life by mentioning my feelings. (Hard to generalize from autobiographical experience, but I seem to see this phenomenon everywhere.)
Consider this expression: “I can’t believe you said that to me.” How many husbands have said that to their wives, versus how many wives have said that to their husbands? I suspect it is 95% a wifely expression and 5% a husbandly one.
This may be hard for many women to believe, but many men feel an enormous sense of responsibility for the potential effects of what they say. Many men in relationships think, “If sharing something truthful about my feelings hurts her feelings, then I probably shouldn’t share. I don’t want to be one of those guys who says hurtful things like that. I’d be a total jerk to burden her with what I’m feeling.”
To make it worse, we are told that expressing your feelings is about being “vulnerable.” That’s hardly a welcoming invitation to share. That doesn’t break us out of seeing emotions as a power dynamic. “Let yourself be vulnerable” sounds a lot like “put your gun down first and I won’t shoot you.”
There are many men who really are interested in expressing their inner selves, but when the opportunity arises they think they have to make a simple calculation – the effect of not saying anything, compared to the effect of saying something. Or, in terms of fear, how much will being quiet get me in trouble, compared to how much trouble I’d be in for sharing. “She could criticize me again for being closed off, but that’s not so bad, I know what that looks like. She’d really go ballistic if I told her what was really going on inside me.” For a lot of men in a lot of cases, keeping quiet feels like the safer bet in the short term.
It ain’t healthy, it ain’t a good long-term strategy, and it barley even works in the short term, but it sure is common.
Stephanie, I applaud your willingness to contribute your experiences to the discussion.
I do have a question, and I think it may help provide us with an idea of how to move past the shame into healing and resolution: how do we, as men, effectively respond to emotional invalidation, especially when it comes from a member of the opposite sex (and I’ll put this in the context of a romantic relationship)?
Example: I was attempting to reconcile with my ex-girlfriend, and during the conversation I explained the overwhelming feelings of fear I was having over losing her, and the guilt that ensued when I came to terms with the mistakes I had made in the relationship. Her responses ranged from indirect dismissal of my feelings, all the way up to the infuriating cliche: “get over it”.
In the subsequent weeks, I came to realize that she simply lacked the capacity — or willingness — to empathize with my own hurt, and when I confronted her with it, she simply responded “well, I don’t want to talk about it”. This response further invalidated my ability and desire to be vulnerable and honest with women, and it leaves me with questions around whether or not I even approached it the right way.
So, with that context: did I do something wrong? Is it truly all about the “delivery”, or was I faced with a situation — and a person — that would have systematically invalidated everything I felt regardless of the medium in which I communicated?
I don’t think you did anything wrong other than possibly not having that conversation until you because exes. You were working your way through the feelings you had and you were sharing what you learned with her.
What worries me is that in situations like that I’m not convinced that people actually want men to do what you are doing. I think think at least some folks would rather for you to have remained the fearful man that made mistakes in the relationship. Why? Because by doing so it saves them the trouble of having to truly know you. It’s easier to just write you off as a possessive boyfriend and tell the woman in question to kick him to the curb.
In the subsequent weeks, I came to realize that she simply lacked the capacity — or willingness — to empathize with my own hurt, and when I confronted her with it, she simply responded “well, I don’t want to talk about it”. This response further invalidated my ability and desire to be vulnerable and honest with women, and it leaves me with questions around whether or not I even approached it the right way.
That’s messed up. Not only because of the dismissal itself but if this were gender swapped people would be tripping over themselves to tell you that you have to be able to empathize with her and her feelings. How many books, shows, movies, talk shows, etc…. center around trying to get a guy that doesn’t want to talk about it to see the error of his ways?
Sorry about what happened to you. But hopefully you’ll take what you have learned about yourself and will put it to use in future relationships.
Your question is a good one. “how do we, as men, effectively respond to emotional invalidation, especially when it comes from a member of the opposite sex”
I think this is particularly hurtful when it comes from a woman who you want to be close to . It sounds like in your case, you really took a chance and told her, straight up, how you were feeling. If she’s unable (or unwilling) to engage you with further, that’s her shortcoming – not yours. Just because someone is female – doesn’t make them emotionally available. Many women, like men, have lost touch with their emotional life and expression for a variety of reasons. I’m imagining that there is a more complicated dynamic than this venue allows for so it’s hard to give any in-depth feedback but it seems like the salient point is: You moved toward her emotionally and she essentially turned her back on you. That hurts. It’s hard not to lose faith in future attempts to share your feelings with women but the right woman for you will appreciate and respect this aspect of you and will have the capacity to meet you there.
“Many women, like men, have lost touch with their emotional life and expression for a variety of reasons.”
Absolutely — this sums up the situation quite well, I think, and in the future I also want to explore Danny’s hypothesis: a woman’s emotional detachment seems to be more acceptable than a man’s, and I imagine it’s due to the fact that men empirically have a harder time expressing their feelings. So, it’s less taboo to stop contending with a moving target.
In some ways, it does come with a silver lining, Stephanie: when emotionally available men find a complementary partner that can align with him in this quest to create space, be honest and vulnerable, and ultimately respect one another, they can together move mountains.
Thank you again for your help! This community truly is a blessing.
@ m@ – Here’s another hypothesis for you. Men are disallowed to be dependent in this culture. A dependent man is seen as being worth much less than an independent man. Given this, men who express emotions that convey depencency, as you did with your woman friend, face a good deal of judgement.
Here’s a great quote from a man named Peter Marin about men’s dependency in this culture. It is taken from an article he wrote about men and homelessness titled “Abandoning Men: Jill Gets Welfare–Jack Becomes Homeless”
“To put it simply: men are neither supposed nor allowed to be dependent. They are expected to take care of others and themselves. And when they cannot or will not do it, then the assumption at the heart of the culture is that they are somehow less than men and therefore unworthy of help. An irony asserts itself: by being in need of help, men forfeit the right to it.”
So when men gain the courage to be open about their vulnerabilities they immediately become open to harsh judgement regarding their worth. YMMV
There are so many forces that impact a man’s willingness to be open about his emotions. I find it absurd that the same people who claim men are “not dealing with their feelings” are also the ones that are unconsciously following the above paragraph and disdaining men for being dependent.