What keeps men from sharing their feelings—until it’s too late? Psychotherapist Stephanie Morgan explores the Boy Code through Rick Belden’s poetry.
This was previously published at Stephanie P. Morgan, MFT.
Many men come to therapy when they are at rock bottom, completely out of options, desperate for something to change. I notice that my female clients are more likely to get help before everything completely implodes—why is that?
I think the short answer is shame. Men and boys have been systematically shamed over their lifetimes for showing basic human emotions such as: sadness, fear, longing, disappointment or even excitement over the “wrong” things. From a young age, boys get the message either overtly or covertly that showing emotional vulnerability isn’t only unacceptable it’s down right dangerous.
How does this happen? I think it happens with the best intentions, which is why it has been such a persistent and pervasive problem. Not only are loving parents worried about making their boys too “dependent” or “soft”, coaches, teachers and other well-meaning mentors unwittingly reinforce these ideas that expressing emotions (other than anger) is weak. Boys learn quickly that they need to “Shake it off” or “Get it under control” otherwise risk crushing criticism and rejection by peers and beloved adults alike. Even therapists can miss the mark, using a more “problem solving” approach with men rather than the “emotional inquiry” the might use with female clients.
What options are men left with but to try to disconnect from strong feelings and live behind the safety of a “mask”? The mask may be one of toughness, grandiosity, or invisibility. Of course, the larger culture is all too eager to reinforce these stereotypes for men as well starting with invincible, needless superheros, moving on to every flavor of violent sociopath (any mobster flick) or narcissistic jerk (think Don Draper in Mad Men), and multiple emotionally clueless “dumb husband” characters (i.e. Homer Simpson).
The messages are clear:
1.) Your needs don’t count so get rid of them.
2.) Anger is the only acceptably “masculine” feeling and violence is an acceptable form of self-expression.
3.) Women think you’re an idiot because you don’t know how to talk about your feelings (even though we contribute to shaming you as much as the men in your life)
Men are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Tough crowd.
Rick Belden’s poem, “Little Iron Man” speaks to the “mask” that many men are forced to create and wear (often for a lifetime) as they conform to the demands of the Boy Code.
My hope is that more men will begin realize that the mask isn’t needed anymore. As a child, you had no power and no choice. You did what you needed to do to be loved and accepted. As an adult, you choose who you want to be and how you want to live.
little iron man
angry eyes burn behind cold metal mask
muscles tensed for fight in flight
repulsor rays boot jets armor
he is iron man.
all-powerful controller master of his fate
vengeful righteous realist almighty godlike hero
protector judge destroyer martyr
invincible impervious inhuman.
mechanical masculinity lover of the machine
better safe than sorry greedy me-first hoarder
dark doomy death dealer
self-satisfying soul stealer
childhood’s chosen champion.
his armor
once glistening once wonderful
now binds and holds in place
battle-scarred time-tarnished too small
pitted scorched outdated in the way
barrier to growth and love and life.
I tried to forget him
but he came to me in dreams
I tried to kill him
but he was stronger than I am
I tried to banish him
but he wouldn’t leave me
so I pulled off his grim metal mask.
a child’s face my face revealed at last
frustrated frightened familiar hopeful
little boy with wounded heart
scared of the body he can’t control
afraid to come outside it hurts to be with people
a quarter century in an armor shell
waiting for mommy and daddy to make it right.
Excerpted from Iron Man Family Outing: Poems about Transition into a More Conscious Manhood by Rick Belden. Copyright © 1990, 2008 by Rick Belden. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported License.
Image of couple having a discussion courtesy of Shutterstock
@ m@ – Here’s another hypothesis for you. Men are disallowed to be dependent in this culture. A dependent man is seen as being worth much less than an independent man. Given this, men who express emotions that convey depencency, as you did with your woman friend, face a good deal of judgement. Here’s a great quote from a man named Peter Marin about men’s dependency in this culture. It is taken from an article he wrote about men and homelessness titled “Abandoning Men: Jill Gets Welfare–Jack Becomes Homeless” “To put it simply: men are neither supposed nor allowed… Read more »
Stephanie, I applaud your willingness to contribute your experiences to the discussion. I do have a question, and I think it may help provide us with an idea of how to move past the shame into healing and resolution: how do we, as men, effectively respond to emotional invalidation, especially when it comes from a member of the opposite sex (and I’ll put this in the context of a romantic relationship)? Example: I was attempting to reconcile with my ex-girlfriend, and during the conversation I explained the overwhelming feelings of fear I was having over losing her, and the guilt… Read more »
I don’t think you did anything wrong other than possibly not having that conversation until you because exes. You were working your way through the feelings you had and you were sharing what you learned with her. What worries me is that in situations like that I’m not convinced that people actually want men to do what you are doing. I think think at least some folks would rather for you to have remained the fearful man that made mistakes in the relationship. Why? Because by doing so it saves them the trouble of having to truly know you. It’s… Read more »
Your question is a good one. “how do we, as men, effectively respond to emotional invalidation, especially when it comes from a member of the opposite sex” I think this is particularly hurtful when it comes from a woman who you want to be close to . It sounds like in your case, you really took a chance and told her, straight up, how you were feeling. If she’s unable (or unwilling) to engage you with further, that’s her shortcoming – not yours. Just because someone is female – doesn’t make them emotionally available. Many women, like men, have lost… Read more »
“Many women, like men, have lost touch with their emotional life and expression for a variety of reasons.” Absolutely — this sums up the situation quite well, I think, and in the future I also want to explore Danny’s hypothesis: a woman’s emotional detachment seems to be more acceptable than a man’s, and I imagine it’s due to the fact that men empirically have a harder time expressing their feelings. So, it’s less taboo to stop contending with a moving target. In some ways, it does come with a silver lining, Stephanie: when emotionally available men find a complementary partner… Read more »
There is still a puritanical aspect to American culture that considers some thoughts and feelings to be inherently shameful. Get rid of those terrible, sinful feelings inside you quick, before the Devil catches hold of you, before anyone notices. Then, on top of that, the very act of sharing feelings at all is considered an overt act, and it’s an act that is often criticized. The very act of sharing feelings is often considered shameful for men to do, because it is frequently defined as whining. If you’re spending time sharing your feelings, then you are taking time from whatever… Read more »
I think it’s important to note that the shame we are discussing is not some bully that can be convicted and dissected from the culture. No, the shame we are talking about is an integral part of our culture and at present we have no way to stop it. This shame is what has been used for millennia to confirm the disposability of males. It is the active ingredient in carving men into what the culture “needs” them to be, basically, provide and protect machines that will sacrifice their lives for others without blinking. Every successful culture has found a… Read more »
James said, “So many relationships could be saved if we would get out of this crappy mode of thinking that shame is the path to fixing us.” So true! Thanks for your comments James, I think this sentiment cuts to the heart of problem. Shame is a distancer, a relationship killer, a personal prison. Not only are men suffering, but the children they can’t be as close to, the wives/girlfriends/partners that feel alone in the relationship, the family that feels shut out – they pay the price of shame as well. Deb, thanks for a mothers point of view. I… Read more »
As a mother to a 4 year old boy, I have given more attention to the ideas in the article than ever before. I have responded at times to some of his emotional “outbursts” in a way that tells him that expressing himself is not okay. I am getting better at catching myself and am trying to teach him words for the emotions he feels so we can talk about them. Our culture has given boys such a small box in which to live, doing harm to boys and those they share their lives with.
Great comments so far. Thanks to all who felt moved to share your thoughts. Tgolden, I totally agree that forcing and smashing men into an emotional inquiry is a bad idea. As a therapist, Its not my intention force or smash anyone into anything. I do however, inquire about my clients emotional states because I think the question is important, even if it has to remain unanswered for a time. Maybe I err in in the other direction, while I recognize, validate and respect that men often have ways of expressing themselves that are different from women – I don’t… Read more »
Great stuff here. This is powerful truth that needs to be aired out. Shame is one of the most pervasive evils that suppresses men from fully integrating their feelings and thoughts. As you pointed out, it leaves us detached and lost inside. So many relationships could be saved if we would get out of this crappy mode of thinking that shame is the path to fixing us. It only brings out proper behavior without doing the proper inner healing that we so desperately need.
Excellent article and great poem. It is so important for people to realize the barrage of shame that men face. Women tend to overlook this since they, um, are not men and don’t face the same barrage. I do have a quibble with the article which said “As an adult, you choose who you want to be and how you want to live.” I think it is very important to note that men continue to face this barrage as adults and breaking free from it is not a simple act and certainly not a simple choice. The powers that are… Read more »
I think it comes down to human nature, all those people who think you’re an idiot because you don’t know how to talk about your feelings? they are the same people that will attack you if things get bad, and they will attack you in places that hurt most, because you showed them where those places are, you showed them your weakness, and its only a matter of time until they use that weakness against you. That why we learn to keep our words to ourselves, no matter how much it hurts, keeping everything inside can make us less than… Read more »
I tried to run from or kill that man when he came in my dreams, too. It took a long time for me to learn to befriend him and invite him into my life. But I could never do this so long as shame kept me trying to cover all my bases – i.e., be sensitive yet assertive, spiritual yet earthy grounded, artistic yet practical, etc. Not that there’s anything wrong with such qualities, per se, or even the embracing of seemingly contradictory ones, but just the simple fact that I was convinced I had to erect such a persona… Read more »
Thank you, Seth. I also believe that “core quest”, as you aptly termed it, applies to many men. I think, as well, that a lot of men turn away from its call, much to their long-term detriment, for all kinds of reasons. In my case, I was unable to ignore that call. It simply wouldn’t let me be. Here’s how I described that experience, and the origins of the poem Stephanie included in the post above, in an interview with Dr. Chris Blazina on his show “The Secret Lives of Men” a couple of years ago: “I started just dreaming… Read more »