Rick Belden gives readers a name for what they have always known about themselves.
A couple of months ago, I wrote a post called “I am a Highly Sensitive Man” in which I shared some of my history and experience as a man who is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). My post was then reprinted on the Good Men Project website, where it’s been very popular, and has subsequently been reprinted on numerous other sites around the world and shared widely across social media.
I’ve been very pleased that so many people have felt such a strong connection with what I wrote and have found it so helpful. Many of the most powerful and moving responses I’ve seen have come from young men. Some examples from various sites:
As a young 23 year old guy, reading this article was a revelation. [Good Men Project]
I thought you should know, your article changed my life. [Good Men Project]
Thanks for writing this. I’ve always felt like I am an extreme minority. It was very nice to hear how someone shares the exact same feelings I do … this could have been written by me. [Good Men Project]
I’ve always been this way, I just never knew the term “HSP” … It is a relief to have a name for it, something I can research; and it is a relief to know I’m not alone. [Good Men Project]
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeI am compelled to comment because I had never heard of the concept of HSPs before reading this article, and these traits describe me incredibly accurately. I am a 29 year old male who’s been in and out of therapy, struggled with addiction, and generally convinced himself that he is incapable of having normal human relationships due to my sensitivity and generalized anxiety. Upon reading this, I immediately did some research, reserved some books at my library, and spreading the word to those few close to me that I think I realized what my perceived “defect” was. And it’s not even a defect! [xoJane]
This post is exactly a reflection of who I am as a person. [xoJane]
I think this is an amazing article. I’ve known a lot of these facts for a while, but I’ve never seen them presented in such a combined article … Thank you for writing this. I’m going to save this article for myself to look back on. [xoJane]
As an HSP (highly sensitive person), this article resonates with me. [The Masculine Heart]
An insight into the masculine underground. [Twitter]
Thanks for your post entitled “I’m a highly sensitive man”. I couldn’t have put it better myself. [Facebook]
I also received a number of private communications from other young men expressing similar thoughts and feelings.
The young men who left the comments above and those who communicated with me privately may not know it yet, but they are far from alone. To the contrary, they at the leading edge of an emerging demographic with tremendous potential for moving our world in a more positive direction. They are the new generation of Highly Sensitive Men.
The video that follows was made by Chrisi Brand, a 24-year-old Austrian man. In the video, Chrisi introduces his new website, highlysensitivemen.com, and his vision for an online community for Highly Sensitive Men. I encourage you to have a look at this video as it is a wonderful example of the sort of initiative, clarity, confidence, and creativity I hope we’ll be seeing more and more from the Highly Sensitive Men of his generation.
I’m very happy to see young men like Chrisi and those whose comments I included above recognizing and claiming themselves as highly sensitive early in adulthood. I’m hoping that means they’re going to avoid a lot of the pain, confusion, and wasted time that so many men like me, who’ve come before them, have experienced in our lives.
These young Highly Sensitive Men are all around us, and they are eager to be seen, understood, accepted, and appreciated so that they can more actively offer their unique gifts to a world that needs them. To all of these young men, I say: Welcome!
Read more: ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ Is Not Necessarily a Bad Thing
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The Welcoming the new generation of Highly Sensitive Men by Rick Belden, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
It seems to me that we need to speak more carefully about what it means to be a highly sensitive man. Being highly sensitive per se is not a ‘male’ or ‘masculine’ trait. Men and women alike can be highly sensitive and there is nothing about the trait as such that particularly relates it either to maleness or masculinity. One could argue that high sensitivity is not opposed to masculinity or maleness, though not exactly connected either. However, there seem to be occasions when certain forms of high sensitivity do stand in the way of a true masculinity, much as… Read more »
An eloquent, inspiring statement of aspiration, intention, and mission that is sure to resonate with many Highly Sensitive Men. Thank you.
I think men need to hone in on their inner HSP and help other men…My hubby is an HSP and picked up on the crankiness of his fellow colleague…at first, he mirrored that crankiness right back at him, but later, he thought about it and felt remorseful…and realized that his colleague was just as overwhelmed as he is (i.e., working 2 jobs, dealing with his wife’s recent cancer diagnosis and breast reconstruction surgery, etc.)….so the next morning, my husband apologized to him and talked to him in a more constructive way to work out the schedules so that all the… Read more »
Good comment, Leia, and a great example of how a man who is accessing his sensitivity skillfully can be a real asset to those around him as a creative problem solver without draining himself.
Rick. If your sensitivity is not manifest to others, how do you know you have more of it than others? How do you know the stoic isn’t an HSP who figures nobody needs to know the trouble he’s seen? For some reason–military training being either the chicken or the egg–I am more alert to anomalies in the environment than are most other people. Ex. Stopped at a rest area near a prison. Two cars full of friends. Heard a couple of shots. “Hear that?” Nope. I suggested we leave, anyway. Turns out some guy had gotten loose and shots had… Read more »
Richard, I guess what’s most important is that you know yourself and what works best for you. If that’s where you are and you’re comfortable with yourself, then I’d say you’re in a pretty good place. If the HSP information doesn’t feel applicable or helpful for you (remember that only 1 in 5 are believed to be highly sensitive), then I certainly see no point in trying to make it fit. I think the “take what you need and leave the rest” approach applies to this material just as it so often does to so much of the information we… Read more »
Dan. Yeah. Being able to stop when necessary is a good thing. A very good thing. From time to time, stuff needs to be done and doing the sensitive, angst-ridden thing instead is not going to get it. It would be one thing if it were only yourself in the crapper, and you could decide that HSPing is worth the price you will most certainly pay. Kipling’s epitaph for the refined man: From his Epitaphs from the War. I turned aside for my need. I was seen from afar and killed. Why is this reason for mirth? I paid the… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, Richard. You make some good points about the necessity for action and decisiveness when situations and circumstances demand it. However, I think it’s a mistake, or perhaps a misconception, to assume that being with one’s sensitivity translates to being “angst-ridden” and unable to act on behalf of oneself or others. While it’s true that HSPs often need more time to process information than others (because they tend to take in more information and examine it more deeply) and can therefore become overloaded more quickly, it’s also true that they can learn to use their information processing… Read more »
Tim makes that sound like a good thing… I am a HSP who knows exactly when to stop being one and can. For grownups it is required.
I didn’t intend to make it sound like a good thing. I will have to read over my posts more carefully before I post them.
Tim, thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I have a few thoughts in response to what you’ve said. First, I don’t see sensitivity and strength in men as being qualities that are mutually exclusive. As I said in my first post on this subject: It takes a great deal of inner strength and resiliency to maintain your sensitivity in a world that seems to go out of its way to beat it out of you, often literally. If that’s not a demonstration of strength, courage, and resolve consistent with any reasonable definition of masculinity, I don’t… Read more »
Sensitivity that is used for others in the form of creativity is a positive thing. I am concerned about the creation of another acronym that will require special treatment and training, and demands for tolerance and diversity training – and the whole realm of extreme self-pity and self-absorption that we all live in today. I do disagree strongly that sensitive men are ‘demonized’. Quite the opposite. Extreme sensitivity is seen as a very positive thing by feminists and those in education, journalism and the social sciences. It represents a very sharp move away from the traditional masculinity that is seen… Read more »
I am concerned about the creation of another acronym that will require special treatment and training, and demands for tolerance and diversity training – and the whole realm of extreme self-pity and self-absorption that we all live in today. It is certainly not my intention in sharing this information to advocate for anything of that nature and that’s definitely not the outcome I’m hoping to see. I would also add that, in all the material I’ve seen so far from and about HSPs, I’ve yet to see anyone making a case for the scenario you described. I can’t say with… Read more »
“It is certainly not my intention in sharing this information to advocate for anything of that nature and that’s definitely not the outcome I’m hoping to see. I would also add that, in all the material I’ve seen so far from and about HSPs, I’ve yet to see anyone making a case for the scenario you described. I can’t say with certainty that no one ever has or ever will, but I haven’t seen it yet. All I can say in response is that my personal experience, and the personal experience of other men I’ve known who are highly sensitive,… Read more »
Tim, I share many of your concerns (e.g., the increasing fragmentation of our society) and values (protection of the weak and vulnerable). I also agree that the development of character and fortitude is important for all men, highly sensitive or not. I suspect that if we sat down and talked for a while we’d find other areas of commonality and alliance. I see an enormous amount of disrespect and denigration of men and masculinity in our culture and it offends me. I find all the hype and attention given to the so-called “end of men” infuriating, and the very premise… Read more »
We now celebrate sensitivity and fragility in men, while celebrating power and strength in women. The world really has been turned completely upside down. It would be unimaginable today to celebrate sensitivity in women or strength in men. We are all involved in a huge sociological, psychological and cultural transformation that assumes there masculinity and femininity have no objective reality and that it is all a matter of social and education engineering. We still do not know what we will with – and to – those who rebel against the new world. Masculinity is now what men do not want… Read more »
It can be very helpful for a highly sensitive person to learn to meditate. THat can sound almost counterintuitive as meditation makes you even more sensitive but the thing is it also teaches you to handle being sensitive in a very comfortable way. It is very good at teaching you to feel emotions strongly and not be knocked out of once and very good at teaching you to handle sensory overload. Tai chi is very good for this. The combination of meditation, some kind of body based energy work such as yoga, qigong or tai chi and an external martial… Read more »
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Erik. I maintained a twice-daily meditation practice for over five years. Learning to meditate, the essence of which was learning to be with and observe myself without action, greatly improved my ability to cope with all sorts of situations, both inner and outer. I haven’t meditated regularly for many years, but my meditation experience continues to help me daily. My experience with martial arts was mixed. I didn’t do well with the “hard and fast” styles. There was too much physical information for me to process and I found it impossible to keep up… Read more »
I too consider myself to be a sensitive man in various aspects of life and hold no apologies for the fact that I am. As a black man, it’s not necessarily frowned within our community, but let me say that it isn’t embraced. Well, that’s fine. I was raised by my grandmother and while growing up I recognized the inability of more than a few of close friends to “become more in touch with their inner feelings.” Which leads me to believe there is no coincidence upon how just about all of these friends have experienced mental and emotional issues… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, don. Recognizing your sensitivity as an asset is definitely an advantage. Owning it without apologies puts you in a great position to make good use of it in your life. Men tend to feel safer avoiding that aspect of themselves, and are heavily conditioned to do so and rewarded for it. But as you said, such avoidance can lead to other problems.
I’m delighted to see highly sensitive men coming together in community to share, learn, grow and search for answers to pertinent questions about being a HSP male in this society. I find the questions Chrissi poses are really no different than the questions facing ALL HSPs … yet I also know that highly sensitive men face a different kind of challenge as they seek to manifest their unique selves in our culture. Again, similar to empowered women from the Women’s Movement ..(me and so many others) ~ how did we show up again and again despite criticism from society, the… Read more »
Thank you, Jacquelyn. I appreciate your acknowledgment that, while there is much about the experience of being an HSP that transcends gender, there are also some aspects and challenges that are specific, more prevalent, or in some ways amplified for the Highly Sensitive Man.
Good reminders as well about Peter Messerschmidt and Ted Zeff, who have both been doing an excellent job of education and raising awareness of Highly Sensitive Men for some time now.