Kenny Bodanis argues that men have some legitimate medical complaints to make.
For the following several hundred words, I AM MAN.
I place myself on the pulpit, and reach new heights of egotism by assuming to speak for slightly less than half the human population: MEN.
We have a reputation, we do. Our colds reputedly sideline us for longer periods than they do women, our injuries supposedly render us more incapacitated for a greater period of time than would a similar affliction befalling a woman.
Maybe true, maybe not. I won’t dwell too much on the veracity of the argument…my carpel tunnel sidelines me for days when I type for any extended period.
I will say this: Sometimes things hurt. And when they do, Man says “Ouch”, and every once in a while, we deserve a “There, there, poor baby”. Not all the time, but certainly following these real-life scenarios:
Case #1) I recently had a cystoscopy. I will spare you the details of the procedure; since after already posting the details of my vasectomy, I’m worried this blog is transforming into The Kenny Bodanis Museum of Natural history. What is most important is: it was painful, and triggered painful and unsightly side-effects which lasted for twenty-four hours.
During that period, and only during that period, I complained about my level of discomfort, as well as the general unpleasantness brought on by the procedure.
The response? “Try getting your period every month.”
Case #2) A family friend recently underwent a prostate exam. He commented how uncomfortable he felt lying on his side while someone’s finger snuck in the back door. He didn’t complain it was painful, he didn’t miss work, he didn’t refuse to empty the dishwasher. He said “I felt uncomfortable”.
The response from the women he was with: “Try having a baby”.
On behalf of Men, let me clear the air with some grand concessions: Pregnancy and birth bring with them back pain, swollen feet, nausea, interruptions in sleep patterns, horrible cramping, loss of appetite, muscle strain both internal and external resulting from hosting a growing human being for nine months and then expelling it through an opening previously only used for much more meager purposes, wild hormone changes, and a host of other symptoms men will never fully appreciate since we will (most likely) never experience childbirth. Granted, acknowledged, agreed, confessed.
Now, can you allow us that it’s uncomfortable having a finger up our ass? Especially someone else’s.
No one wants someone’s Beetle pulling into their pre-paid underground parking spot. Sometimes it’s a really old doctor, with an equally old, rusted, vintage Beetle…pulling into your spot. Prostate exams command such lore, John Fogerty wrote a song about them:
John Fogerty – Lookin’ Out My Back Door (Live – 2005)
And Chevy Chase crooned during his:
Moon River, Fletch
Prostate exams and cystoscopies are not the armageddon of medical conditions. But please grant us that we may experience some pain and discomfort while being examined by parts normally reserved for submarines, and winter gloves.
When my wife had the flu, I commiserated, sympathized, did the laundry and the cooking; all the right things. All I want in return is, after returning home from a good scoping, someone to say “That sounds damn uncomfortable.”
KB
P.S. The doctor didn’t find anything serious, thanks for asking.
Photo—Nervous patient from Shutterstock
About Kenny Bodanis
The dismissive attitude some women have with their “try having a child”, etc is pathetic. Both genders can go all day with who gets in worse in what field. Try having a kidney stone n pissing a razor sharp stone that is bigger than the ureter, etc. Try being a man when conscription comes around, hell try being a man facing 4x more likelihood of death by violence, and risk of violence is higher overall. We die a up to 5 years younger than women do, what right do women have to complain? (sarcasm of course)
Everyone can complain, it’s how we deal with shit. I had a very very painful back spasm, worst pain I’ve ever felt, I’ve had a kidney or gallstone attack which was very painful as well. I’ve had women who’ve given birth say kidney stones are more painful, but who cares which is more painful, they all friggen hurt. When you’re tossing down codeine n tramadol and they are about as effective as sugar pills whilst you’re having cold sweats, dryreaching, crying and punching holes in walls out of frustration n pain then it’s safe to say you have a right to complain.
Pain is pain, it’s not limited to one gender…
Ah the Uteran Defense.
Uteran Defense – A countermeasure present in many women that kicks in in the event of being in conversation with a man that is complaining about some sort of pain. When triggered the women in question feels this unyielding urge to silence any and all of his complaints. Well the best way to do that is to hang something over his head that cannot possibly be measured. Hence the mention of the uterus.
There is a common consensus among a lot of women that pain related to the uterus is the most unbearable pain in all existence. This conclusion is enhanced by the fact that menstruation is a regular event that occurs continuously for many years for most women and that bearing children requires approximately 9 months of physical alterations to a woman’s body, many of which are quite uncomfortable and painful.
In short no matter how badly a man might be hurting it can NEVER be anything near what women go through with it comes to the uterus.
For a long time my response to something like, “Try having a baby/getting your period.” would have been something like, “Try shutting up about your damn uterus like it’s the center of the universe.” Now I might be calm enough for something like, “Try having something along the lines of sympathy/empathy for someone that’s in pain and if you can’t do that just don’t say anything.” And then end the conversation.
The worst pain in the world is probably suicide headaches. Back spasms (had this, worst pain I’ve ever felt) kidney and gall stone attacks (had one of these too, 2nd worst, much harder to deal with than all of my surgeries combined even when I was medicated for it) are also extremely painful. I’m sure pregnancy hurts a wholleeee lot but when I hear women tell me that kidney stones hurt worse than their pregnancy it leads me to believe that pregnancy isn’t the worst in all cases, but can potentially and probably often be the worst pain a large portion of woman will experience.