This Is What Happens When I’m Between Jobs

Delaware Sucks

Steve Coruzzi finally has the time needed to do an in-depth analysis of the relative suckiness of the state he lives in.

I’ve recently found myself with a lot of free time during the day while I sought a new career direction. And the main thing I learned about myself when my mind is free to roam about the universe is that I think about some bat-shit crazy stuff.

My main obsession was this: Does Delaware suck as much as I think it does? As a resident of The First State for going on 10 years now, I have spent most of that time of the opinion that, in fact, Delaware does SUCK. Small, no big cities, no culture, poor public schools, nothing to do unless you enjoy hunting and NASCAR (I’m not a fan of either). Plus, Wayne and Garth agree that Delaware is lame and if that’s not proof…

It occurred to me, however, that I wasn’t being fair. I mean, saying “Delaware sucks” isn’t a fact it’s just my opinion. So I decided to use all the resources at my disposal, i.e. Google, and apply The Scientific Method, i.e. make the results come out the way I want them to, and find out once and for all: DOES DELAWARE SUCK? (Those of you from other states should keep reading…it gets interesting I swear!)

Here’s my methodology: I typed “Delaware sucks” into Google to see how may hits I got: 2.2 million. Is that good or bad? Well, let’s try another state. How about my home State of Pennsylvania: 8.6 million. Hmmm…more people seem to think Pennsylvania sucks than Delaware. But wait! Pennsylvania has a much larger population than Delaware so the data must be skewed! This led me (remember, BAT-SHIT CRAZY!) to type “_____ sucks” for all 50 states and record the number of hits. I then brought up a list of each state’s population and recorded those. I then created an Excel spreadsheet, divided “Total Population” by “Sucks Hits” and came up with a “Suck Ratio”. A Suck Ratio of “1” means one “Sucks Hit” per capita (that’s “per person” for you non-science-y types). I then added the “Suck Ratio” to “Population Rank” to arrive at a “Suck Index” (take THAT Adam & Jamie!).

Here are the results:

chart

 

So what does all this mean? Let’s delve into the bottom of the data…

Alaska sucks the most. Not really surprising… cold, barren, Sarah Palin.

Montana. Big Sky Country. Yellowstone & Glacier National Parks. But poor education and high unemployment and poverty. It would seem that Sam Neil was better off getting killed on The Red October. (Oh, and I enjoy obscure movie references too).

Wyoming. Birthplace of Dick Cheney… need I say more?

Vermont. This one kind of surprised me. I mean the home of Ben & Jerry, Vermont Teddy Bears, maple syrup and beautiful vistas (I assume from what I’ve seen on the internet). So I had to do some additional research on its implied suckyness. Apparently, and I quote, “Vermont is filled with rednecks, hippies, and wanna-be gangstas and barely any hot chicks”. Those are all deal breakers for me. Actually, I’m lying it’s just the lack of hot chicks that’s the deal breaker.

North Dakota. Did you see Fargo? Remember when Steve Buscemi got ground up in the wood chipper? Yeah, I’m not going to North Dakota. Plus, according to someone on the interweb, “crime is low here because prison is preferable to living here”. Wait a sec. If crime were low than no one would be arrested therefore no one would be in prison. Or wait…does he mean that crime is low NOW because all the residents are in prison already? Must be some kind of wacky North Dakota thinking that I just don’t get.

Hawaii. HAWAII. HAWAII?!?! I mean, aside from Dog The Bounty Hunter coming after you what could possibly make it the 6th worst state for suckyness?? Well, I’ve actually been to Hawaii and I can tell you first hand that it’s beautiful and warm with white sandy beaches and kind, friendly locals. And except for the ghettos, meth labs, gangs, violent crime, rampant drug abuse, annoying tourists, dirty streets, corrupt politicians, high cost of living, and frightening violence towards mainlanders I highly recommend visiting there as soon as you can.

And finally, my Delaware. The 7th Suckyest State.

I have to admit that this process has made me feel kind of bad for ragging so much on poor Delaware. It has many fine qualities greater than our famous screen door factories as touted on The Simpsons:

  • It’s within a day’s visit to Philly, New York, Baltimore and Washington DC – all the places you wish you were instead of Delaware are but a stone’s throw away!
  • Tax free shopping! I mean c’mon! That’s worth the trip alone! Of course the only place to shop is the mall which has the same exact stores and shops as every other mall in the country. But, you won’t have to pay sales tax! Although the money you’ll spend on gas to get there will probably negate what you’d save on sales tax elsewhere… hmmm… that’s a toughie.
  • One or two of the beaches are almost as nice as New Jersey’s. Just a quick sidebar – when you look at a map doesn’t it look like Delaware is sucking New Jersey’s dick?!? (Again…b-a-t s-h-i-t c-r-a-z-y).
  • Wonderful State Parks. That’s right. STATE parks. No National Park, just State Parks. The only state without a National Park. Isn’t Vice President Biden from Delaware? Can he get in on this?
  • Delaware has a rich and storied history with really interesting towns and architecture to visit. Just stay above the canal. If you don’t know what that means just ask someone – but be sure the person you ask is from ABOVE THE CANAL. In case you don’t know, Delaware has a canal going straight through it and the southern or lower part is locally known as “Slower Delaware”.

As an aside… does the canal make the lower part of the state an island? Like Hawaii? Can we in the upper, attached-to-the-U.S. part of the state call ourselves “Mainlanders”? Can we secede from Slower Delaware and be part of Pennsylvania instead? Pennsylvania being number 2 in the column of least suckyest states! That’s right. Number 2. Second to Illinois. Illinois is the number one least suckyest state. How is that possible?! Ok, Chicago is cool but what else? Pennsylvania has SEVEN pro sports teams! And it’s bigger. And closer to the beach. And our “Little Grand Canyon” is way better than Illinois’ “Little Grand Canyon”! And Pennsylvania isn’t a snob! Ooooo, I’m Illinois…I have a silent “S” at the end of my name. Stupid Illinois.

  • Wilmington is really starting to come into its own with great restaurants and an increasingly attractive waterfront area. Although “Parenting” magazine did name it the Most Dangerous City in the US. So what if their methods were flawed and statistics flat out wrong? They printed it so it MUST be true. But Wilmington is perfectly safe, ask anyone (just not anyone from below the canal!)
  • And finally the people. Remember that scene in National Lampoon’s Vacation when Clark Griswold goes to pay the mechanic for repairs to the Family Truckster and upon asking how much he owed the mechanic replies, “How much you got?’ while threatening Clark with a giant wrench? Clark then asks the mechanic what the town’s sheriff would think of his business practices and the mechanic pulls out his sheriff badge? Well, Delaware isn’t anything like that (especially below the canal)!

So there it is. Backed by a sound scientific process producing iron-clad results. Proof that Delaware does indeed suck….but it’s not the suckyest.

Something to be proud of, I think.

Someone from the tourist board needs to jump on this:

“Delaware — at least we’re not Alaska.”

 

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About Steve Coruzzi

Steve Coruzzi, 43 years old, is married with two kids, 8 and 6, and lives in Newark, DE. He is on a continuing journey to discover the true nature of humankind through satire, sincerity, and sarcasm.

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